Kids' Movies as an Adult: Rikki Tikki Tavi

Recently, Jordan said something that sounded like he was saying "Toot Sweets." If you were a musical theater loving child like me, you would have (as I did) broken into the song "Toot Sweets," from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. If you're a musical theater loving person married to a person who is bewildered by musical theater, you can imagine Jordan's completely confused reaction. 

So I played him this video, which then sent us down a rabbit hole of all things Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. 

You guys, that move is TERRIFYING. What the actual hell. 

SO, an idea was born: what if I started a series, similar to Bachelor recaps, complete with screenshots, of children's movies that are totally inappropriate/super scary to watch as an adult?

And what if we started with Rikki Tikki Tavi?  

Rikki Tikki Tavi
Or, The movie your 7th grade English teacher played when a substitute came.

If you haven't had the pleasure, this movie is on YouTube here. It's only about 23 minutes, but it's 23 minutes of film that will seep straight into your brain stem and never leave. I could probably review this movie without re-watching, although I'm definitely going to re-watch it. Right now. 

Okay.

First of all, none of the human characters have pupils, which is just pretty damn upsetting right out of the gate. 

I do not like that. 

This little British (except for the son, who has a very suspicious American accent) family, living in India, rescues our hero Rikki Tikki Tavi from drowning in a big storm. By the way, the narration that runs through this movie is bone-chilling. The guy who's talking sounds like a mixture of Slugworth from Willy Wonka and Ernest Hemingway's ghost. 

We are then introduced to RTT's incredibly fast-moving ways, where he turns into a big long blob and then materializes at his destination. 

Fast little bugger, isn't he? Rikki is very winning. He's voiced by somebody who sounds very handsome and also sounds like Greg Kinnear. I am now going to IMDB and see whether I'm right.

Some fellow named Shep Menken. 

ORSON WELLS IS THE NARRATOR?! OH MY GOSH I really nailed it on the Hemingway's ghost thing.  

...why is his index finger black?? 

...why is his index finger black?? 

Anyway, sorry about that. Google is a dangerous place. 

So. Back to the story. 

RTT basically cozies up to this family who adores him. He even gets to sleep in bed with Teddy, the kid. The mom is not wild about this for obvious reasons (RABIES AND OTHER DISEASES), but the dad is all, "Stop being a hysterical woman and let this rat sleep on our kid's head. GOD CAROL YOU'RE SO DRAMATIC." 

Her name is not actually Carol.

RTT goes out in this family's extensive garden, because they are obviously #rich. I, as an adult, am extremely jealous of this very spacious house with all this square footage. Kids just don't appreciate that sort of thing. 

RTT goes out to make some friends and meets a bird couple who seem distressed for some reason. They explain that one of their babies fell out of the nest yesterday and got eaten by Nag. Just as Rikki asks who Nag is, we get introduced to this horrible thing, who speaks only in whispers. 

You really need to watch this part of the movie to get the full effect, including the freaky ass music the play and the whispering snake. It really is truly so disturbing. 

RTT freaks out for a moment, then remembers that he eats snakes for lunch (literally), so he starts to feel himself a little more. 

Go, Rikki, go, Rikki! 

Before long, Nag's nasty wife Nagaina (who is equally, if not more, terrifying than her spouse) tries to shank RTT from behind. Thankfully, the lady bird warns him in enough time for him to jump and escape sudden snake death. But now, Nagaina is PISSED. 

Rikki takes a little jaunt around the garden to figure out what to do about this cobra problem, and Teddy runs out to meet him, offering him a casual peanut from his pocket. But as soon as he holds it out, a snake rises up out of the dust and LITERALLY SAYS, "Be careful, I am death." 

Are you freaking kidding me. 

So yeah, this kid almost gets killed for what will not the only time in this movie, by the second-most venomous snake in the world: the Eastern brown snake (I looked it up). "I am death." Cool. Normal. In a kids' movie. 

Anyway, RTT just goes ahead and finishes this snake off, actually brushes his shoulders off and is like, "What, that? No big," much to the delight of the family. They're celebrating his bravery and hopefully lecturing their son about not just holding peanuts willy nilly in the damn yard. 

That night, Rikki patrols the house and meets the Chuchundra, the saddest bastard in all of India. 

Chuchundra is inexplicably crying and tells RTT to steer clear of the cobras. He also makes some weird veiled reference to something his rat cousin, Chua, told him, but we never figure out what that was. Real plot hole here, people.  

Rikki starts listening out for any danger, and thinks he hears the cobras in the house. The narrator describes this sound in the creepiest possible way if you're already imagining a snake slithering around: "The house was still, but he thought he could just catch the faintest scratch scratch in the world. A noise as faint as that of a wasp walking on a windowpane." 

HELL no.

RTT identifies this sound as the cobras slithering into one of the (many) bathrooms of the house. 

I'd like to pause here and tell you a quick story, if you'll allow it. 

A coworker told me a story recently about her fiancé, who was out mowing the lawn in Asheville one day and encountered a black snake that was about 5' long. (Are you freaking out yet?) 

He immediately left the lawn mower and went inside to shower the heebie jeebies off him. When he opened the shower door, the snake was CURLED UP ON HIS BATHMAT AT THE FOOT OF THE SHOWER. YES. THIS IS A REAL STORY. 

It had followed him inside. Real life. He left the screen door open. He had to JUMP OVER IT to get out of the bathroom and by the time he'd gotten someone to come and get it out, it had crawled up the wall of his bathroom and situated itself around the top of the shower. 

"But Mary Catherine, black snakes aren't pois --" I DON'T CARE IT'S THE SCARIEST STORY EVER. 

Now that we all have ants in our freakin' pants, let's return to the dead of night in India. 

Nag and Nagaina post up outside the house with a plot to murder the entire family in order to rid the house of people, and, by default, snake-killing mongooses. They're worried their brood of babies will be murdered by RTT if he lives. No people = no mongoose. 

Nag hatches a plan to curl up at the base of a giant vase and bite the dad when he comes in to take a bath the next morning. 

RTT knows it's dangerous, but he goes for it anyway. He and Nag scrap and scuffle, but in the end, the victory is RTT's. I wish I could describe to you the absolutely PAINFUL sensation of having your entire body covered in goosebumps at watching a fictional vermin and snake fight on your computer. Moongoosebumps. (Had to.) 

By the way, that last frame is how the movie communicates to us that Nag is dead. It's like a gang sign. BOOM. There's also a weird swell of the horn section at this part. I'm telling you, just go watch this movie. I feel like there's a snake somewhere in my house right now. 

So RTT, fresh off his victory, but not cocky enough to forget he's got another snake to settle with, peruses the garden the next morning. The male bird starts singing RTT a song he's written for him, but Rikki has no time for this foolishness. 

After the entirety of this original song, the bird finally helps RTT out and lets him know Nagaina is mourning Nag on the trash pile. Rikki is more concerned with destroying her eggs, so he forms a secret plan with the dumb bird's smart bird wife (man, Rudyard Kipling really believed in the sharp female spouses of the dumb male counterparts, didn't he?). 

Sensible female bird goes off to distract Nagaina by pretending her wing is broken. Nagaina pursues her because she was the one who kept Rikki from getting smoked early in the story by warning him of Nagaina's attack. 

"Indeed and truly, you've chosen a bad place to be lame in." Nagaina is SERIOUSLY hateful. 

Meanwhile, RTT is already in the melon bed making scrambled cobra eggs - all except one, which he steals to bait Nagaina.

Y'all seriously though, chillbumps watching this. Nagaina, knowing that revenge on a bird < revenge on the humans, who she *thinks* killed Nag. Bird Wife warns RTT, who goes running at the speed of sound, to find this HORRIFYING SCENE GOOD GOD. 

RTT temps Nagaina to fight him with the egg he stole. 

So she does. 

RTT chases Nagaina through the garden and eventually catches hold of her tail, but she pulls him down into her snake hole and we lose sight of him.

At this point, the bird, who like 2 minutes ago was celebrating Rikki as a hero, actually says out loud, "It's all over for Rikki. We must sing his death song." 

AND THEN HE DOES. 

Maybe this bird needs to learn a little something about jumping to conclusions. If I was his wife, I would be shaking my damn head. 

Actually bowing her head in shame, bless her heart.&nbsp;

Actually bowing her head in shame, bless her heart. 

But what's that noise? RIKKI EMERGES VICTORIOUS!! 

Aaaaaaaand that bird is back to singing. I mean I'm talking something happens and seconds later this bird is singing a really presumptuous song about it. 

Rikki goes back to sleeping with Teddy and protecting the house, so that no snake "dares show its head inside the garden walls." 

INAPPROPRIATENESS FOR CHILDREN:  

Not inappropriate. Really fairly kid-friendly.

 
OVERALL SCARINESS: 

I don't care how comfortable you are with snakes - the music paired with the whispering cobras paired with the creepy imagery and scuttling sounds snakes make?! NO. I dare you to watch this movie free of goosebumps. 

Okay, pals. 'Til next time.  

DNR - JTI.

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear female celebrities on the red carpet, 
I understand the whole #askhermore thing. I don't think you should be relegated to answering questions about how you juggle raising your children while having a career, when the male celebs who are also parents get to talk about how they got into character or who they think will be President. 

BUT. 

You have been given scores of outfits from which to choose by the most elite designers in the world. You are wearing thousands and thousands of dollars' worth: gown, jewels, shoes, hair and makeup styling. The question, "Who are you wearing?" is not offensive unless it's the only thing you're asked. So answer it, and stop being a brat. You are a walking advertisement for a design house and you're living every girl's dream. DNR - JTI. 

 

Dear author of Suri's Burn Book, 
Please post more often. It's so amazing when you do. I want like a daily, maybe even hourly, post. Just think about it. DNR - JTI. 

 

Dear Apple TV remote,
YOU ARE SO SMALL AND EASY TO LOSE. PLEASE GET BIGGER. I CAN'T EVER FIND YOU AND I WANT TO. ("But Mary Catherine, you can download an app on your phone to control it!" NO I CAN'T BECAUSE MY PHONE'S SOFTWARE IS TOO OLD AND I WON'T LET APPLE EAT MY STORAGE WITH A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM IN ORDER MAKE ME BUY A BETTER IPHONE. 

Sorry I yelled. I got carried away. DNR - JTI.

 

Dear Adam Scott,
I don't know why I don't like you. It's hard for me to watch you on shows like Parks and Rec, because I find your brand of comedy to be "constantly exasperated condescension" and it wears me out. You are kind of a human marsupial and I just don't know what to do with you. I think your character in Step Brothers is probably who you actually are in real life. Sorry. DNR - JTI.

 

Dear Cast of "House of Cards," 
Not every Southern person has the same accent. I don't understand why every Southern character on your show (and you have a lot) sounds like someone from Savannah in the 1940's. So tell all the colleagues of "Frank and Clayuh Undahwood" to give it a rest or watch a YouTube tutorial. DNR - JTI. Also, War Eagle.

 

Dear Kate McKinnon,
My husband has an enormous crush on you. Every time you come on the screen, he's mesmerized. Thank you for being a lesbian so I don't have to worry that he's going to leave me for you, because otherwise that would be a concern. You are hysterical and one of the best cast members of all time. DNR - JTI. 

 

Dear Ben Higgins, 
You know the right girl to pick. You know that BroJo is not going to be a good long-term choice. You know you don't love her. You know it's The Bee. If you don't pick The Bee, we're all gonna be disappointed in you. My bracket is already ruined, so at least do us this one solid. Don't forget to shave your face before the big proposal scene, ya big ol' nerd. DNR - JTI.

 

Dear daylight savings time,
You suck. DNR - JTI. 

The Scientist

Good morning, friends! 

One of Jordan's really dear friends from dental school, Landon Heckman, reached out to me recently, and we've been covering some music together. I linked our cover of "Love Yourself" a few weeks ago. We threw that together pretty quickly. 

This cover, though, we've spent a couple of weeks working on. I'm really proud of it. So impressed by Landon's instrumental work (all I contributed were the vocals) and really pleased with how it came out. I hope you enjoy. 

5 Things: Questions for Donald Trump

Dear Sir, 

Gotta be honest, I thought this whole thing was a joke. I really did. For months, I would giggle at the thought of First Lady Melania Trump (still giggling, actually), and the idea of you and your wig being inaugurated. "Yeah, right," I thought to myself. 

Then you won a whole bunch of delegates and that makes me uncomfortable. 

Not because I think you've got a chance at winning (you don't), but because there are so many people in this country who believe you do. That's unsettling to me. The idea that people think that you're the next face of America, based purely on what they've seen of you this election cycle, is troubling. 

So here on this beautiful Friday morning, I'd like to ask a few things. 

1. What is up with you putting so much stock into this whole "short-fingered vulgarian" thing? 

Granted, it's a hell of an insult. I love when the pen is mightier than the sword, because this 30-year old joke has really gotten under your skin. They're just words, Donald. I feel like you'd be a proponent of the "sticks and stones" model of dealing with criticism, especially given that you don't seem to take other people's sensitivity or feelings to heart when speaking yourself. You got real real defensive about it last night, even going so far as to say that "Nobody has ever hit my hands. I've never heard of this one." 

Uh oh! No. We know you've heard of it! That's why you're upset! 

Are your feelings genuinely hurt? Is that why you thought it appropriate to make a joke about your penis in a presidential debate on national television? 

Though, of course I understand your tactic - really trying to carve out a name for yourself. George Washington, "The Father of our Country;" Abraham Lincoln, "Honest Abe;" Donald Trump, "Doesn't Have a Small Penis." Got it. It really seems like it would stand the test of time. Clever, Donald. And, as always, classy. 

2. How long does it take to do your hair every day? 

I'm really asking. Personally, I love to do my hair. It's one of my favorite morning rituals. I never leave the house (unless I'm working out, of course) without a curling iron having touched my hair. So I'm genuinely curious about your method. 

Is it: brush, swoop, spray? Or maybe: comb, spray, swoop, spray? My last guess would be: tease, comb, smooth, spray, swoop, spray. One of those has got to be right. 

Surely there's a YouTube tutorial somewhere on Donald's hair. Oh, wow. THERE IS.  Amazing. This girl even nailed the way-too-light-undereye-concealer. A real pro, this one. 

3. Melania is an immigrant. Does that make it awkward at the dinner table when you say really xenophobic things? 

Les miserables.

Les miserables.

Melania was born in Slovenia and immigrated to the United States. So I have to wonder whether, when the dinner party guests are gone and you guys are behind closed doors, she just lets you have it. It must be pretty frustrating for her to hear you talk about immigrants with such vitriol - whether we're talking about Mexican immigrants or Syrian refugees - same overall level of intolerance. 

Although if I were Melania, I gotta say, I'd be equally upset about pretty much everything you said in this interview, which is, in a word, grotesque and horrifying. ...that was two words, I know. I couldn't help it. 

But neither can you, it seems. 

4. Do you know that the verb "disavow" should almost always be followed with an object? 

...because you keep saying "I disavow" by itself. You have to disavow something or someone for that sentence to work. And you kind of keep doing it. 

To be fair, you did include an object in the debate last night. You said, "I disavow the Klu Klux Klan." 

"Huh," I thought. "He threw an extra 'l' in the word, 'Ku.' Most of the people I've heard do that are school-aged children who are learning about the group for the first time and are having trouble pronouncing it. Admittedly, it's a clunky group name. It was a slip of the tongue. I'll cut him some slack." 

But see, then you did it again. A second time, in a row, almost immediately after the first time. Which leads me to believe that you actually think the name of the group is "Klu" Klux Klan. Which is wrong. It's upsetting to me. 

But not as upsetting as the fact that it took you longer than exactly zero seconds to "disavow" a terrorist organization who killed black people for sport. It's less upsetting than that. 

5. Are you kidding me? 

I mean it. I'm not asking ironically. 

My great hope is that this is all the most elaborate political joke of all time; that somehow that insane conspiracy theory that the Clintons paid you to run in order to give them a leg up is true. 

That we aren't living in a time in America when people believe that a bigoted, bullying, sexist, xenophobe, pretending to tout Christian values, should be President of the United States. Because what was it that Jesus said? Oh yeah. "BUILD ME A WALL!" 

I want to believe in my country more than that, sir. I want to believe that you're just kidding around. That, while this has certainly gone too far, has certainly embarrassed an entire nation of people, you are running the longest and best Jim Halpert-style prank that anyone has ever seen. 

This is my hope. This is my prayer. 

Don't get me wrong, sir. I don't think you'll ever be President. There are too many people on both sides of the aisle who DISAVOW! your antics and barely take the time to acknowledge you as a serious candidate. When you have two former political rivals like our current President and Mitt Romney coming out to condemn you, people have to figure that you don't really have a shot. 

Plus, my dad says you won't win, and he's pretty much always right. 

I alternate between rage and jovial dismissal when it comes to you, Mr. Trump. I go back and forth between being the embodiment of SMH and rolling my eyes. One minute, you're making me reach for a tub of ice cream to stress-eat; the next, I remember you are a clown from the circus. 

Here's the thing, Don. Can I call you Don? I know if you actually were ever to read this note, you'd probably say that I was hysterical or that it must be "that time of the month" for me, or make fun of my nose (get in line, pal), or tell me that I'm only a 5 on a scale of 10. You'd dig up pictures of me as an ugly middle-schooler and talk about my lack of fashion sense. You'd slam my 7th grade perm. That seems to be how you handle crisis or criticism.

Joke's on you, because there's nothing my husband likes better than a woman with a sense of humor whose nose used to be nicknamed "The Antler." So:

The thing is, we can't have someone like you running the country, because when it comes right down to it, you're just mean. It's amazing to me that someone so wealthy can act so cheap.

You seem to not love being presented with facts or having to combat them, so here are some facts in a clip that I know you won't like, but is something that people need to see over and over until the election. 

Here's to you, Mr. Drumpf. Stop talking about your penis, and stop being such a dick.

(Sorry to my grandparents who I know will not love the fact that I just used the word "dick." It was in service of a joke. You guys understand.) 

Oscar Gowns: Fetch or Wretch?

The year I lived in Memphis, my friend Andy and I devised a ratings system called "Fetch or Wretch?" "Fetch," obviously, was derived from the classic film Mean Girls, and is the highest of compliments in the world of fashion. "Wretch," on the other hand, I think is pretty self-explanatory. 

That year at the Oscar party we went to, he and I dressed up as glorified Joan Rivers clones and interviewed/judged all the celebs on a makeshift red carpet: 

Obviously, we were very fetch (but also intentionally tacky, just like Joan.)&nbsp;

Obviously, we were very fetch (but also intentionally tacky, just like Joan.) 

Being that I love fashion and that I love awards shows, I thought I'd run down my list for Fetch or Wretch: Oscars 2016. 

Let's start with the good, in no particular order.

FETCH: SAOIRSE RONAN.

Saoirse (I had to attempt that spelling about 4 times) was nominated for Best Actress alongside some real heavy hitters last night for Brooklyn, where she plays an Irish immigrant to America. This dress is the epitome of right gown, right wearer, and right venue. And, as a little nod to her Irish role in the film, it's emerald green. My only tiny gripe here is that the skirt is sheer, which I'm sick to death of. But otherwise, perfectly fitted, perfectly styled, and if you look at any close-ups of her face, her makeup is FLAWLESS. 

2. FETCH: LADY GAGA.

Say what you will about the meat-dress-wearing, arriving-in-an-egg pop star, but she knows how to nail it when it counts. I think this partnership with Tony Bennett has done her some good in terms of knowing when to class it up. Her hair and jewelry choices are exactly right. The fit on the bodice is not my favorite (in fact, in almost every photo but this one, it's downright awful) and it's doing weird things for her boobs. Overall, the look is striking and classic, but still different enough to be quintessentially Gaga. And we all know I love a jumpsuit. 

...doesn't hurt that her man candy is in a perfectly fitting tux, himself. 

3. ROONEY MARA. 

I realize this one will be widely disputed. I am not in love with her weird topknot, but I think this is such a perfect look for her. Rooney Mara always goes for severe ice-princess on the red carpet, and she usually nails it. This dress, though not something I would wear, is the definition of Rooney Mara at an awards show - and because it's perfectly fitted and styled well (for her particular aesthetic), I love it. 

4. CATE BLANCHETT. 

I know, I know. Another controversial pick. But y'all, LOOK AT THE FIT OF THIS DRESS. Cate Blanchett is such a queen when it comes to style and posing on a red carpet, and this is just another entry in her reign of fabulousness. Though the details on this dress kind of grate on my nerves (like a hundred butterflies just landed on her simultaneously?), the color is lovely, the neckline is plunging without being vulgar, her head looks great, and the fit is literally flawless. As with most things, a little confidence in something unusual goes a long way. 

5. NAOMI WATTS.

Miss Naomi was not up for any major awards, but she still brought the thunder without being too attention-seeking. The color, the beading, the fit, and the styling are all near-perfect in this look. She managed to nail it without taking attention away from award nominees, which is an art form all unto itself. 

Honorable mention: Chrissy Teigan, who SLAYED us with her fabulous pregnant self. But she couldn't make my list because I am so sick to death of this naked dress trend WHEN WILL IT END. 

Now, let's get to the struggle bus. 

WRETCH. 

1. Kate Winslet. 

GIRL. What. Are you doing. This looks like the Titanic sank, you got up on that door, pulled a seal out of the ocean, clubbed it to death, skinned it, and wore it last night. Almost everything about this is bad, from the straight neckline to the fit to the scuba-suit weirdness to the loose and beachy hair when it should've been up. The skirt is puddling. The accessories are bad. I really can't say enough. It was a swing and a miss. But we love you, Kate. Do better next time. 

2. BRIE LARSON. 

Another choice that I know will be controversial. All I can see when I look at that party-streamer skirt is Paris Hilton circa 2002. The half-back hair looks far too casual (Jordan says when women wear their hair half-back it looks like Legolas) and needed more height, the belt is huge and clunky...I really was disappointed by this look, especially since she was picked to (and did) win. I'll give her some credit for fit - the bodice is beautifully tailored to her and the color is right, but the skirt and the details of the look overall make her a WRETCH. I genuinely feel like people are loving this look purely because she is absolutely glowing with happiness and it's distorting their judgment. Congrats on your win, Brie. Now send that dress back to the early 2000's where it belongs. 

3. OLIVIA WILDE. 

"Woof." That was me out loud when I saw this gown for the first time. At a quick glance, this isn't terribly offensive - a light colored, well-fitted gown. But the longer you look at it, the more problematic it becomes. While Cate Blanchett did a plunging neckline without being vulgar, this is a neckline that tipped the vulgar scales all the way over. Put simply, it's just too much cleavage. Olivia Wilde has lots of very square features, namely that fabulous jawline, but that means that whatever she chooses to wear doesn't need to further accentuate the squareness of her face. This neckline is rectangular, her choker cuts her neck in half and creates more squareness, and her hair is pulled all the way back, making her head a (you guessed it) square. She needed to soften this gown up - hair down, no choker, and this might have been a win. 

4. JENNIFER LAWRENCE. 

I. AM. SO. SICK. OF. SHEER. LACE. 

I can't wait for this freaking trend to die. I know J Law has a contractual obligation to wear Dior, this look aged her about 20 years. It is SO deeply matronly while still somehow being super-sexual. I hate the tiered skirt, I hate the skin-toned underlay that makes her look naked, I hate the visible black boning in the bodice, I hate everything. Good for her for the hair color and the lack of sparkly accessories (which would've pushed this from just plain bad to stripper), but this is a HARD miss for me. Wretch. 100%. 

5. RACHEL MCADAMS.

Dear Rachel McAdams, 

Every girl in America wants to be you. You have a face like a damn painting. Your hair is like gold spun by woodland creatures. You are an American ideal. But if you think that in all of fashion-world, in all the design houses, that this was the right gown for you, then fire your stylist. The color is great, but that's about it. If you're going to wear something loose-fitting and body-skimming, the fit better be absolutely perfect. And perfect it is not.

And if you can't afford a steamer, you can borrow mine, Rachel. Those wrinkles from sitting down in the limo on the way there are half of why you are decidedly WRETCH. 

See you tomorrow for Bach-capping, ladies and germs. Get ready for SEX ISLAND.