Do It Yourself In One Million "Easy" Steps

Doing it yourself is so easy! It only takes one million extremely complicated steps. 

1. Look at your dining room. Gaze in ambivalence at your four non-matching, VERY worn out chairs.
2. Realize that you're a 27-year-old grown woman who's been married for nearly 2 years and it's time to get matching dining room chairs. 
3. Meet a friend and go to an estate sale. 
4. Try not to think about the fact that all this furniture used to belong to someone who died recently. 
5. Do not look at the mug that says "World's Best Grandpa," and do NOT think about how sad it is that that mug is on the shelf. 
6. Stumble upon a set of chairs that have good bones.

7. Ask your friend what she thinks. 
8. Text your mom to get her opinion.
9. Text your husband to get HIS opinion. 
10. Congratulate yourself on being awesome at choosing husbands when his response is, "Get what you want! You're the boss!" 
11. Note with glee that all four chairs are only $80. 
12. Buy chairs. 
13. Go to brunch and celebrate. 
13. Come back the next day with husband and dog to pick up said chairs. 
14. Make sure the chairs, which are not high quality, scratch the paint off your husband's Jeep (his most prized possession). It's important to add a little tension to the scenario, because otherwise it's just TOO EASY! 
15. Find a tutorial online that started with similar chairs to yours and ended up looking like you want them.

16. Compile a list of supplies and ask your husband to drive you to Lowe's. 
17. Convince your husband that you promise not to act up in Lowe's this time - you won't hide behind the palettes or use dowels as swords or climb the ladders and sing his name loudly when you're at the top.
18. Keep your promise (mostly). 
19. Locate all your supplies, then drive to the fabric store. 
20. Avoid the cute boy scouts on the way in, because they want to sell you things you don't need and you're powerless against a cute, chubby little boy scout. 
21. Laugh to yourself as you pass a family where the smallest boy is suggesting a Finding Nemo print for his mom's new couch.
22. Gasp in horror at how expensive all the foam you need to re-cover the cushions and back of the chairs is going to be. 
23. Ignore that the brooding teenage guy checking you out hasn't showered today (or anytime this year) and smile politely as he tells you that you have to get your foam pre-cut in order to pay for it. 
24. Watch as your husband returns the foam to where it belongs and decides that the foam part can wait until another day.
25. Arrive home. Pack a lunch for your husband so he can go fly fishing.
26. Sit on your front porch, drink a beer, and seriously consider setting the chairs on fire. 
27. Locate sandpaper. Start sanding the paint away. Sand until it hurts. Sand until you don't have fingerprints left.
28. Remember that your friend Wes gave your husband a palm sander as a wedding gift. 
29. Go to your basement. Get bitten by a rat (or probably just an ant, but it felt like a rat). Find the sander. 
30. Google "How do you use a palm sander?" and watch the tutorial. 
31. Turn the sander on. Promptly sand a chunk off of one of the chair legs. And make sure it's a front leg, too - not a back leg where no one will notice. 
32. Call your father in law to make him talk you through sanding stuff. 
33. Decide you can TOTALLY DO THIS and you will not be defeated be an MFing power tool. 
34. Sand two chairs completely. 
35. Try to remove the seat cushions from the chair frame with a screwdriver. Fail. Strip the screws to make sure they're REALLY hard to get out. 
36. Remember that your husband has a drill somewhere. Find it. Turn it on. 
37. Shove one of the drill bits into the drill head thing and start stabbing at the screw to see if that's how it works. 
38. Google "How the hell do you use an electric drill??????" 
39. Figure it out and remove all but two of the screws. 
40. Take a selfie to send to your father in law who can't believe you're doing this project. 

41. Find the varnish and a sponge paintbrush.
42. Having not learned anything from the "start with the back legs" mistake of just a few minutes ago, start by painting the front legs. Badly. 
43. Hope your neighbors aren't weirded out that you're binge watching Sex and the City while doing this. Try to turn the volume down anytime Samantha is on screen. Slime your computer with varnish. 
44. Since you've sunk 4 hours into this project, welcome your husband back home from his fishing trip. 
45. Watch in delight as he successfully removes the stripped screws by using a rubber band as leverage. 

46. Apologize to your EXTREMELY bored dog, who won't even look at you because of how neglected he's been all day. 

47. Congratulate yourself on having not permanently damaged yourself, the dog, or the chairs. 
48. Congratulate yourself on having learned how to use power tools all on your own. 
49. Leave the chairs on the porch, untouched, for the rest of the weekend. 
50. Look at your life. Look at your choices. Hope that the chairs get eaten by bears. 

A Letter to Brides.

Dear beautiful bride, 

RIGHT?! It happened! You're engaged! Are you SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!? I know. It's the best. It really is. 

In about two weeks, people are going to start asking you lots of questions. What kind of wedding do you want? Big? Small? What time of year? How many bridesmaids? What sort of dress do you have in mind? Will the wedding be in your hometown or your fiancé's? Or neither? 

Your head might feel like it's going to pop right off your body and spiral into space. 

Been there. 

I've got five pieces of advice for you - both practical and philosophical - that I believe, if taken to heart, will make things a whole lot better. 

1. Be kind to your mind. 

At first, the decisions you get to make will be thrilling. Because it is thrilling! You're getting married!

After the first hundred of them, you'll start to notice yourself becoming a bit more sluggish and fuzzy-headed. This is a real thing called decision fatigue. The more decisions you make, the harder decisions become. Band or DJ? Indoors or out? Pink bridesmaids' dresses or grey? 

Choose a time of day (the best is in the morning, when your mind is fresh and well-rested) that you'll spend a set amount of time planning. I'd recommend an hour and a half or so a day. Set up a call with your planner (or, if you're doing it yourself, really discipline yourself to stick to the amount of time you've chosen). After an hour of decision-making ("Band! Indoors! Grey!"), try to make as few choices regarding your wedding as possible. This will save you (and everyone who has to deal with you) a lot of brain cells, headaches, and tears. I promise. 

2. Pick people who make you happy.

You've obviously already followed this advice - look at your fiancé! Now, all you have to do is keep making that choice. 

The guest list may be the most stressful part of any wedding. Two families, with all their relatives, close friends, and distant acquaintances, trying to compile a reasonable list of who's invited to this shindig. Let me spoil something for you: there will be people that you forget to invite. They will just slip your mind, until you run into them in person one day and your stomach sinks. 

It's not the end of the world. They'll forgive you. 

As for the ones who you do remember to invite, here's my advice: only invite people who, when you see them in the aisles of the congregation, would make you (or your spouse) light up with joy. Otherwise? AXED. 

That distant friend of someone's family member who once gave you a cookie on your birthday? You don't have to invite them. That fraternity brother who always kind of bugged you? Not on the list. 

Of course, if someone isn't invited, that doesn't mean they bug you or that you don't care for them. It just means that a guest list can only be so large. 

This day is about filling a space with l-o-v-e. That means if you were to run into a person at your reception who makes you think, "Oof. Avoiding THAT guy," then "that guy?" He ain't comin'. It's not because you're hateful, or cutthroat. It's because this is a time when obligations or forced interactions don't have to take place. It's because you should fill a room with the people on Earth who make you ONLY feel happiness. That's your prerogative. 

3. Delegate your responsibilities. 

When I got married, my mom and I did all the planning, calling, and deciding. We chose not to hire a wedding planner, because my mom happens to love doing all of the things surrounding a wedding (flowers, choosing a paper weight and calligraphy style for invitations, etc.). But she is also a freak of nature (in the best way), and I recognize that. 

The very first thing you should to to ensure that you don't end up with 30 tasks to complete 2 weeks before you get married is download a timeline, like this one, that helps you know how far out you should be booking/thinking about certain things.  

If you're planning by yourself? Enlist your bridesmaids to help complete certain tasks, like researching florists or venues in the area. And hire a "day-of" planner to take the wheel on your wedding day, so that all you have on your plate is to enjoy getting married. A day-of planner is a very inexpensive way to buy peace of mind. 

Planning with a family member or close friend? Make sure the division of responsibility is clear. You're handling invitations, the gown alterations, and booking spaces, while the other person deals with flowers, contact with the officiant, and making sure everyone gets paid. 

Working with a professional planner? Make your vision clear from the start - give them your Pinterest board, your scrapbook, your box of wedding ideas. Check in with them periodically. Be proactive. They may be running the show, but it's your wedding - input from you is crucial. 

It sounds un-romantic and stiff, but schedules and delegation are big. When you look back at this season of your life, it will undoubtedly have been a little frazzled, but you want to remember it as a happy time! Not as a time when you wanted to pull all the hairs from your head, one by one. 

4. Prioritize. 

Weddings cost money. Boy, do they ever. Your eyeballs may fall out and roll across the table when you start to realize just how much they can cost. 

Because things are so expensive, it's major to choose what's most important to you. Unless you're Kim Kardashian, you can't have the most expensive venue, AND the most expensive band, AND a $15,000 wedding dress, AND a 50-tiered cake, AND an open bar, AND a great photographer. There are choices to be made.

For Jordan and me, our priorities were: photographer, wedding gown, bar, and band. We wanted to have beautiful pictures of our day, for me to have a dress that made me feel great, for the bar to be full and open, and for there to be a great band that made it a real party. And I think (I hope!) we achieved all those goals. 

But that also meant that certain things were less of a priority. And that's okay! Not everything was as important as those top four. 

No matter what your budget looks like, your wedding can be exactly what you have in mind. It's a matter of deciding what things you want to spend your hard-earned money on. There has literally never been a better time than now for a DIY-wedding, given that places like Etsy exist. Some of the most touching and fun weddings I've ever been to were also done on a lower budget. 

Because you know what really makes a wedding? YOU. And your spouse. Which brings me to piece of advice #5 - the most important: 

5. At the end of the day, you're going to be married. 

All that other stuff I said before? It's important, sure. It's nice to not want to fling yourself from a building while planning. It's nice to have a concept of who's in charge of what. 

But the most important thing is you and the person you've chosen. Remember your first date? Remember how you had no idea that this was who you'd end up with, and now you're going to MARRY them?

Remember how, when you were a little girl, you dreamed about your wedding? You played house? You thought about what your grown-up life would look like? 

Here it is, sister. It's him. It's her. It's here. 

The reason to work hard in the planning process is not to throw a great party, or to have the "best" wedding, or the fanciest, or any of that. It's so that, on the day you get married, your mind is totally free to absorb the fact that YOU GET MARRIED TODAY. 

If you're really lucky, you'll only do this once. So SOAK IT IN. Every single moment. Every engagement party. Every time someone wishes you well. Every gift you open. 

When Jordan and I entered our reception, we did so from a second-floor staircase. Suddenly, all these people - all the food, the band, the lights - everything came into focus. And it was absolutely overwhelming. At no other time in my life will I be surrounded by that much love, and I was holding the hand of the person who made life whole for me. 

Whether the napkins are cream or white, whether your aunt Brenda's hair catches fire during your ceremony, whether you drop the rings, whether your drunk uncle wipes out on the dance floor - it doesn't matter. (And hiccups make for great stories.)

What matters is that you've found the person who lights up your soul, and you're marrying them. That's what everyone showed up for. 

Every time things get overwhelming, remember the reason this is all happening: two people fell in love. 

Best wishes,
Mary Catherine

Photo by Leslee Mitchell Photography. 

DNR - JTI: TV Edition

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear Scandal,
We're breaking up. Well, we broke up, I should say. I tried to break up with you two years ago, but then the most recent season got added to Netflix on an afternoon when Jordan was out of town, so I binged you while I painted my nails. I haven't watched you in three weeks because you are mind-rottingly dumb. I'm sorry. Not even Kerry Washington's fabulous outwear could change my mind. It's not me, it's you. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Mad Men,
You were the best I ever had. I think about you all the time. Your costumes, your beautiful actors. I saw Joan's mean ex-husband in a show this week and refused to like him because I know who he really is. Please come back. Just one more episode. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Girls,
This season I hated every single one of your major protagonists. They were entitled, annoying, indecisive, rude, inappropriate, helpless, selfish, and narcissistic. But your finale? One of the best episodes of TV I've ever seen. Lena Dunham, you've still got it. I'll be back next season. Good work. DNR - JTI. 

Dear 19 Kids and Counting,
I miss you. OBVIOUSLY I don't support The Duggars' anti-gay attitudes, or their arguably anti-feminist attitudes, or any of the other not-so-savory things. And OBVIOUSLY I am repulsed by the wildly creepy Josh Duggar (YIKES - that guy. Yeesh.). But I miss having a show on TV where there was good, solid, old-timey family fun. I miss watching you guys make 45 hashbrown casseroles together and eat them all. I miss watching the girls get ready by using chemically dangerous amounts of Aussie Sprunch Spray. I miss Cousin Amy showing up and scandalizing everyone with her bare kneecaps. You guys were the best. Sorry about your bad luck. DNR - JTI.

Dear Grey's Anatomy,
Back in 2005, I was a sophomore in high school, and you premiered. The show was so good that even my dad watched the first season, which was New York Times acclaimed. Eleven years later, I can't quit you. I just can't. It's too nostalgic for me to quit. I want to. Oh, boy do I want to. But I'll be here until Ellen Pompeo leaves/dies tragically or the show ends - whichever comes first. All the characters that I love, save a few, have died of shark attack/alien invasion/hospital gunman/exploding head (or some other insane event). But I'm holding on with the OG, Meredith Grey. I hate that I love you. DNR - JTI.

Dear The Sopranos,
Jordan and I are going to start watching you because we need a quality show to watch together. I'm sorry I fell asleep during your first episode. It's not an indication of how much I care about you. I was just really, really tired. DNR - JTI.

Dear Narcos and Bloodline,
Season 2. STAT. Get on it. Hurry it up. DNR - JTI.  

Dear Saturday Night Live,
The last few episodes have been really awkward and/or bad. Peter Dinklage? An hour full of awkwardness. Russell Crowe? An hour full of bad.  (That "Bear me a son!" sketch was particularly cringe-worthy.) And I really had high hopes for Julia Louis-Dreyfus, but there were only a couple of sketches that really made me LOL. One of them wasn't a sketch at all, really - it was Nick Jonas. That guy is just a hoot. ...oh he wasn't trying to be funny while singing? Welp. He was. Turns out he's not that great a performer. Come ON, SNL! You have a great cast. You can do better than this. Been a great season up to this slump, though. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,
I am yours forever. Please never leave me, because we are two of a kind. 

Gilmore Gab.

Oh, Gilmore Girls. You're coming back. And I am REALLY EXCITED. 

People have a love-hate relationship with Gilmore Girls. And by that I mean that people either love it or hate it. It's a very polarizing piece of entertainment.

Though the release date for the four new movies hasn't been announced, the promotional photos have begun circulating. And for that reason, it seemed appropriate to do a post about Gilmore and company. I have too many thoughts about this show to possibly craft this post into a theme, so I'm just going for it: rapid fire, all over the board. Some will be big thoughts, some will be dumb.

Ready? Let's go. 

1. Logan is the best of the boyfriends.  

Anyone who knows me well know that I really have a thing for tall guys. And that's putting it gently. So this declaration about Logan may come as a surprise to people who've heard me say things like, "Sean Penn is only 5'8''?! EW!!!" But I stand by it, despite the fact that Matt Czuchry is reportedly only 5'9''. 

Logan, though panned by many for being a silver-spooned-spoiled-brat, was the best of Rory's three long-term relationships. I think we can all agree that Dean, while charming (except for when he CHEATED ON HIS WIFE) was nice and all, but he was too small-town for Rory's career aspirations. Jess, the moody, emotional, artist, was probably her best match in terms of likeness and compatibility. 

But LOGAN. 

Logan was a Huntzberger, which meant that Rory would have married into opportunity. Into open doors. And sure, he was petulant and childish a few times - but every single time that he made a mistake, he owned up to it. And by the end, he was absolutely dripping with charisma. That scene where he comes to Stars Hollow with Rory and ends up having late-night, real talk with Lorelai over pie?? (Wait, you don't remember that scene because you have a life and didn't just watch the entire series straight through AGAIN?) It's the best. He's also very smart, despite the fact that he didn't have to be. He knows what he wants, he can articulate it, and he goes after it. 

I'm not saying she should've accepted his proposal -- I think she was smart to put her career first. But I wish that Logan had kept his promise to "factor her in," and I hope that this reboot includes them finding their way back to each other somehow. 

2. Lorelai is kind of the worst. 

WE KNOW.

Listen, friends, 'cause this next part is important: Lauren Graham is NOT the worst. She's the best. She's wonderful, and she perfectly portrayed the character that was written for her. Lorelai Gilmore, on the other hand, is really tough for me to take as an adult. 

When you watch this show as a child, you think, "MAN, how great would it be to have a mom like that? A mom who's your best friend? Who stuffs you full of junk food and then you just veg out on the couch together gabbing about boys?" (...okay, well I have a mom like that, so I personally didn't think that, but you get my point. Also, happy birthday, Mom!!) 

My point is that she's the Manic Pixie Dream Girl of moms. She is the unattainable ideal. But with that spontaneous joie de vivre comes A. LOT. of downsides. Over the course of the show, she:

• Relentlessly patronizes and minimizes Sookie, her supposed best friend.

• Starts dating Rory's teacher, accepts his proposal, then dumps him.

• Secretly dates her father's business partner, one of the things ends up torpedoing her father's company.

• Passive aggressively stews over Luke postponing the wedding because of April, instead of just TALKING IT OUT.

• Casually sleeps with Christopher, RORY'S DAD the night she and Luke break up.

• Marries Christopher on a freakin' whim without Rory even being there.

• Trots Christopher out in Stars Hollow and plainly tells him she's worried people won't like him very much.

• Dumps Christopher mere months into their marriage, potentially damaging Chris and Rory's relationship forever.

• Gives a drunken toast at Lane and Zack's wedding reception accusing them of being too young to get married.

• Publishes a magazine article crucifying her mother, then asks Emily to just forget it ever happened.

• Doesn't tell her parents (either time) she gets engaged.

I'm quite certain there are dozens that I'm leaving out. More or less, she's a pretty self-absorbed pain in the ass that's fun to watch on TV. But if you're like me, and the people on TV end up becoming real people in your lives (there has to be some kind of psychotic name for this condition), then Lorelai Gilmore is one of the most annoying ones around. 

3. Alexis Bledel is a chronic huncher. 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAND UP STRAIGHT

This one has bothered me for years. Probably most obvious in the episode where Rory goes to that dance with Dean, and Lorelai makes her a blue off-the-shoulder dress that is basically a neon sign saying, "CHECK OUT MY BAD POSTURE." I have actually googled "Alexis Bledel scoliosis" to see if anything turned up, because obviously I don't want to be offensive if this is some sort of medical condition. (It isn't.)

It gets better as the seasons go on, and Alexis Bledel happens to be (in my humble opinion) one of the more visually stunning actresses out there. But girl? I'm about to snatch that hair up and MAKE you stand up straight. 

4. I am really going to miss Edward Herrmann.

Emily and Richard Gilmore serve as anchors for this show. The solid steadfastness of these characters are what allow Lorelai and Rory's lives to be as whimsical and free-form as they are - as viewers, we can handle the girls eating Pop Tarts for dinner, because we know that at some point during the week, they'll be balanced with Friday Night Dinners. 

I loved the chemistry that Edward Herrmann and Kelly Bishop (Emily) had. They really were a dream team. He was a fine actor and seemed like such a sweet man, and just brought this special kind of gravitas to the show. He wasn't a "Gilmore girl," but he was important, and I'm sad he died. 

5. This show is a feminist dream. 

Of course this show is about Lorelai and Rory. But it's also about a third Gilmore Girl - Emily. Almost every single episode features Lorelai's complicated relationship with her parents, or Rory's sweet and healthy (mostly) relationship with them. At the heart of this show, the story is about women - mothers, daughters, grandmothers, granddaughters, best friends, business partners - all supporting, loving, and showing up for each other. 

It's wonderful that the relationships are complex, because that's how real relationships among women are. The stories are meaty, heartbreaking, triumphant - they're real. Emily, Lorelai, Sookie, Rory, Lane, Paris...all the women on this show are completely different from each other, but tied together in friendship or by blood (or both). Gilmore Girls is a shining brick in the house of entertainment for women. It says, "Whatever you want to be is okay. Be the best at it." Punk rock Seventh Day Adventist turned mother of twins? Do it. WASPy corporate wife with a mind of her own? Yes. Independent, snarky, Manic Pixie Dream Girl who should weigh 3,500 pounds? Absolutely.

It's about family - they family you're born with and the family you make. 

MAN I can't wait for these reboots to come out. I'll be blogging them, but of course. 

DNR - JTI: Traffic Edition.

Dear Pedestrians Crossing the Street,
Listen, I get it. I don't always cross at a crosswalk, either. Usually I just run like a terrified rodent across the road at whatever place I see the opportunity. Notice how I said "run?" This is my problem with you people: unless you are elderly or otherwise impaired, if you're crossing the road NOT at a crosswalk, I better see some hustle. I want to see that brisk jog that says, "I'm not jogging for speed, I'm jogging out of appreciation." No leisurely strolls across the road. No. Hop along or get outta here. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Truck Parked in Front of Me,
You have a "Make America Great Again: JAIL HILLARY!" bumper sticker on your 1965 Ford pickup. And yet, when I got out of my car, you were kind to me and complimented me on my parallel parking. I don't like complicated. Be one thing. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Drivers Who Wait Until the Last Second to Merge When a Lane Closes,
We see you. We ALL see you. We know you saw that "RIGHT LANE CLOSED" sign just like we did, miles back. And yet, here you are, trying to shove your car through my life -- trying to break in line, really -- right at the front of the pack. Well, NOT TODAY. I mean, I might let you in, but I'm going to hate you the whole time. I have no grace to give you on this subject. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Guy Who Drove Up Beside Me Yesterday,
I don't really even know what to say, here. You caught me sending a text while driving, and you held up a sign that you'd obviously pre-written. In big, black letters I read, "PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN!" I wonder how many times you've gotten the chance to use that sign today. I feel convicted, violated, embarrassed, and angry at you. But you were right. Maybe get a hobby, though. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Interstate Drivers,
The left lane is not for setting your cruise control. The left lane is for fast driving and passing. Not for cruising. For passing. Don't cruise in it. Just pass in it. Please. I'm begging you. DNR - JTI.

Dear State Trooper,
A friend of yours, also a Trooper, told me once that we can all safely go 10 mph over the speed limit without being pulled over. This rule has worked for me so far. Thanks for the tip. You're the best! DNR - JTI. 

Dear Dad,
Remember when I was 15 and you paid me $20 to help you with a case you were working on? You said you were representing a client who had some traffic violations, and that you needed to know what the fine and punishments were for reckless driving in each county in Alabama. Remember that? Well it took me another decade, but I finally figured out that there was no client. You just wanted me to know that if I go 20 mph over the speed limit, I'm going to owe the government $2,500 and may get my license taken away. That was crafty. I still haven't forgotten. One day, I will also trick my own children, assuming cars will still be driven by humans when my kids are 15. We could all be robots by then. DNR - JTI. 

5 Ways I Know I'm Not 20 Anymore

Getting old is tough, kiddies. There are definitely some perks to being 27 rather than 22, but there are also some downsides.

Let's explore.

1. I wait excitedly for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy to come on. 

As I've previously mentioned, Jordan and I don't have cable - we use Apple TV/Hulu/Netflix. But we did buy some rabbit ears to get basic cable, so now we can watch all the old people game shows that come on right after the 5 o'clock news. This has now become part of my evening ritual. 

You guys, Alex Trebek is SO MEAN to these people. Seriously, if you haven't watched Jeopardy in a while, I implore you to do so if only to watch Trebek passive aggressively ROAST these folks. It really is something special. Here's an excerpt from a recent episode when he really wouldn't give this poor soul Irene a break: 

After the Jeopardy! round:

Alex: And Irene trailing both of you…by a hefty margin.

Before Double Jeopardy!:

Alex: Despite those scores, it’s not out of reach for Irene.

Before Final Jeopardy!

Alex: Irene – this wasn’t your day, but we’ll start with you.

Damn, Trebek. 

2. When plans get canceled, I am elated. 

Now, don't get me wrong - sometimes I really want to see people and do things. And nobody likes being flaked on - that's not what I'm talking about. I am referring to those times when plans have been tentatively made for a particular day, and on that day, you wake up unsure of what's going to happen. Then you get THE TEXT: "Hey! ________ came up for me - can we do it another night?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to my sweatpants and the couch. 

Because that's what's happening when plans get broken. And I love every second of it. When I was 20, I would've been super disappointed and/or angry that I was probably going to miss out on some hilarious great time. These days? Pass the Cape Cod Kettle Chips. Thanks.

3. The sun hates me. 

Oh, ancestors. Couldn't you have been ANYTHING but super, super white?? 

I vividly remember the moment when I saw the first lines on my face. I was doing Teach For America at the time. One of the things you have to perfect as a teacher is a non-verbal warning to a misbehaving student while not missing a step in the lesson you're teaching. Something like this: 

TFA pays for Botox, right? 

Anyway, I'd just gotten back into my car at the end of the day, and I pulled down my visor to check my lipstick in the mirror (I was going somewhere right after to meet some folks for a drink). My car was flooded with natural light, which, as you ladies know, leaves NO flaw unturned. 

It was like three tiny rivers had been running across my forehead for years and left the fossils on my face. TERRIBLE.

When I was 20, I fell asleep with my makeup on. Now, I exfoliate, use a retinoid, a moisturizer, a spot corrector (if necessary), Burt's Bees, and do a mask once a week. I will have no more lines than is absolutely necessary.

I used to be able to galavant all over the place and not worry about the sun giving me additional lines/wrinkles. In high school, I went to the TANNING BED. That's right. Tanning bed. Can't even believe that's still legal. 

Now, I am the person who will be tucked away in the shade at the beach, under an umbrella, with SPF 125. Why? Because my ancestors came from ScotIreEngland, Home of the Vampires. We don't do sun. I've accepted it. 

4. Tons of junk food ruins my life.

There were multiple occasions in college - no one really needs to know how many - that I got out of bed at 11 and went to Waffle House with my buddies. My standard order was: a double order of hashbrowns, double covered; egg and cheese sandwich on white; side of grits and a chocolate chip waffle. 

And I ate every bite.

Recently, Jordan and I went to Huntsville for a wedding. We ate McDonald's for breakfast on the way out of town, had Mexican food at Rosie's for lunch, then, after the reception, swung through McDonald's FOR A SECOND TIME to grab some late night. 

I felt like I had eaten bricks. And I felt like that for a week. 

The first night I met Jordan was at Birmingham-Southern's homecoming event. We met, talked for about 5 hours, and then I convinced him to go with me to grab everyone some late night food. We drove through Wendy's, where I ordered a sack of 7 or 8 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. When we got back to the fraternity house, only 6 were eaten. That left two. 

I ate both.

All this to say, I've prided myself for many years on having something of an iron stomach. My brother is blessed with the same condition. But now? Now, I'm old. I'm washed up. I can't anymore. It's hard, but for the most part, I've had to break up with eating constant junk. 

For anyone who is still 20 and can do this without consequence or weight gain:  

5. Relationship games are a thing of the past.

Oh, relationship games. How much I loved you. How fun you were. 

You guys know what I'm talking about. The, "Will he text me back?" "Do you think he'll ask me out?" "I'm not going to respond for another thirty minutes so he doesn't think I'm too available." "Will you ask his friend to ask him if he's seeing anyone?" 

Yeah. 

I like to think Jordan and I are still keeping the mystery alive. There are definitely certain things that are still private - for example, we are not the couple that continues a conversation while one of us is using the bathroom by leaving the door open - BUT. There are lots of comforting things about being married that don't have anything to do with leaving the bathroom door open.

Here is a random sample of the riveting text exchanges that have happened in the last few weeks, which I think are as far away from "games" or even "interesting" as two people can get:

Or this: 

Or, how about this? 

Or how about this charming information? 

Actually can't believe I posted this one, but there ya go. 

Listen - marriage is the best. It is really, really nice to be done with the early 20's portion of my life, when I spent a lot of time wondering who I'd end up with, and instead, actually spend time BEING with that person. Jord is my teammate and I love every second of it (except the occasional day where we want to kill each other). This high-five-from-a-distance gets done a lot in our relationship: 

And it's just what 20-year-old MC dreamed about. 

Have such a happy weekend, friends!