Fetch or Wretch: VMA Red Carpet

My dear friend Andy Garden and I used to play this game when we lived in the same city. We'd all congregate at someone's house to watch an awards show red carpet, and Andy I would deem (and by "deem," I mean "scream at the TV") the looks "fetch" (h/t Mean Girls) or "wretch." "Fetch," obviously, was the a look we loved, "wretch" was...well, you get it. 

This list was never about the body in the dress, but about whether the dress was an absolute trainwreck of a choice. And it's the VMA's, so there are bound to be some. 

I recognized some obvious characters, but lots of this this red carpet was one long, sad question: "Who ARE these kids?!" 

...is 27 the new 87? 'Cause I'm feelin' old, friends. 

Let's take a walk. 

Fetch. 

1. Beyoncé

...obviously. It almost didn't matter what she wore last night because the level of slayage was so high. Although I am sick to DEATH of this sheer dress "check out my underwear" trend and want it to die in a fire, if we have to look at it, this is a pretty fabulous execution. I love the feathery collar (stacked sky high and reminiscent of Victorian couture), I love the color, I love it all. Beyoncé is not about practicality in this dress. She's telling you to bow down. Which you should. 

2. Justine Skye

"Who?" I know. Exactly. I seriously feel like Jack Skellington when he goes to Christmastown. "What's this?? What's this??" ...anyone? No? 

Well anyway, I really love this freakin' jacket. LOOK at it! It has a life of its own. Great shoe choice. She's clearly having fun with it, and that's the point of the VMA's red carpet. 

3. Hailee Steinfeld

Hailee is channeling Kylie Jenner, who wore a similar Balmain look to something I'm not going to look up because I'm trying not to #keepupwiththekardashians these days: 

It's well done, I guess, but it's just so basic. Remember when Lady Gaga showed up in a freakin' egg?? Those were the days. Where's all the theater gone? 

Similarly, remember when the Kardashians hadn't taken over the fashion industry and influenced people to wear barely-there, naked dresses and Balmain? I do. I do. 

AND YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN. 

4. Britney Spears

Again - basic. BUT. With Britney, sometimes "basic" is a great thing. Sister knows that all eyes are on her with the release of her newest album, Glory, and she's playing it smart. No weirdo outfits, no risks - simple, body-con, black pumps, killer hair. I know it's boring, okay? I know. But #leavebritneyalone because she looks great, even if it could've been a more exciting look. 

4. Hailey Baldwin

Hailey is also representing the second alternative spelling of "Haley" in this post. Good for you, girls. Plant those flags. 

In what is now becoming a pattern of looks that I can't really fully get behind but have to because the others are so SO bad, this is just polished enough to be on this side of the list. It's tailored, it's beautiful, the head styling is really nice, and I really wish the pants were opaque. 

Is it so much to ask that I don't have to look at the panties of every celebrity who steps outside? Somebody get her a beach towel to wrap around her waist. 

5. Stella Maxwell

I have no idea who this person is, but I have nothing but respect for this outfit choice. Is it crazy? Sure it is. But this is the Video Music Awards, site of such legendary moments as Britney and Madonna making out, Lady Gaga and the meat dress, Kanye beginning the Taylor and Kanye feud, Miley twerking all over Robin Thicke. It's where Beyoncé announced she was pregnant. CAN WE GET A LITTLE DRAMA?

Of COURSE this outfit is insane. And yes, the top makes her boobs look like the eyes of a chameleon. But it's dramatic, bold, and risky - exactly what the VMA red carpet should be. And it's well-styled to boot. Stella may have just won the night in my book. 

6. Nicki Minaj

To be honest, I passed over this look the first time. The amount of cleavage was off-putting at first. But the more I look at it, the more I realize that this is actually a good look for Nicki. Great color, styled well...I mean, I feel like I've already made my point about the sheer/naked dress movement, so I wouldn't be redundant, but I'll give this a solid B. 

...and that does it for "Looks That Didn't Make Me Violently Ill." 

Let's get down and dirty with the not-so-good. 

Wretch. 

1. Naomi Campbell

Would have been a slam dunk, except that I'm way too distracted by whether Naomi Campbell's Naomi Campbell is about to make an appearance. We couldn't have moved that slit over just a BIT?? I mean, I guess I did ask for dramatic looks, but damn.

2. The Guy From The Fault In Our Stars

A case study in what happens when you make an average white guy feel cool. Overkill, my man. Get some sewing scissors, snip those threads off your pants, and go home to think about your choices. 

3. Whoever These People Are

This is a joke, right? Where's Ashton Kutcher? 

This looks like one of those lists featuring the worst Wal Mart family photos of all time. To just say it out loud so we can all bask in the ridiculousness, this woman, arguably in her third trimester of pregnancy, has elected to wear no shirt and boob jewelry to a nationally televised red carpet event. 

Listen, I fully plan to turn into Jabba the Hutt when I'm pregnant and eat literally anything that crosses my path, so let me first say that this girl looks like a million bucks. But like...shirt. Shirt. Just put a shirt on. Somebody gave you some bad advice, girl. 

3. Goth Barbie

I didn't think the sheer dress trend could get any worse, but this is both sheer AND crotch-centric. And doesn't have a lining in the top. So...yep. That really happened. 

4. Baddie Winkle

Had not had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Winkle until this moment, but apparently she's an 88 year old "American Internet Personality." So there's that. 

Ms. Winkle, if I may - it seems that you have been misguided by an evil stylist and/or a mischievous grandchild. Might I suggest you call Dame Helen Mirren and get some tips from her? I feel like she could point you in the right direction. Because we can see your winkle. 

Respectfully,
My Eyeballs. 

5. Dascha Polanco

Daya! No! You're beautiful and you can do better than this. Let's hook you up with Christian Siriano, who has done a beautiful job dressing some of your colleagues from OITNB. Love you!! 

6. ...ugh. 

He looks like he just got finished painting a house and she looks like she just got out of the shower. Can't even with these two. Actually cannot. Let's stop giving them what they want and talk about something else. 

7. Nick Jonas

Nicky Nicky Jo Jo. Ya got rick rack on your jacket, my man. Take it to Hobby Lobby and have them do something about that. 

And that concludes our red carpet report! Hope everyone has a great Monday - sorry for the damage these outfits inevitably caused to your brains first thing on a weekday. We should all go wash our eyeballs in one of those sinks they have in science labs for when you get a chemical burn in your retinas. See you tomorrow. 

Bar Necklaces - Come and Get 'Em!

I have had so many people ask about where I got my own necklace - not to mention inquire about the necklaces that I shared on Facebook recently - that I thought I'd just open the floodgates and start ordering these beautiful pieces en masse. 

Ginny and Shelton are wearing the large, gold bars with their wedding dates engraved. 

I have two pieces of jewelry that people ask me about every time I wear them: one is a big purple ring made of a geode, and the other is this necklace. 

Sweet Brittany is wearing a long gold necklace with precious baby Amelia's birthday (Amelia's name is engraved on the back!). 

I wear mine almost every single day and truly get asked about it all the time. It's just one of those perfect, small pieces of jewelry that goes with every outfit and also has sentimental value - how can you beat that? 

I thought I'd share some of the ways I've used these as gifts to get your creative juices flowing: 

• Obviously, the wedding date in Roman numerals (like mine). This one I've used over and over as an engagement gift for my best girlfriends. 
• Roman numerals featuring a new baby's birthday. In some cases, I've had the baby's name engraved on the back of the necklace as a special touch. 
• A small bar (I have the "large" size) featuring the person's lowercase initial. 
• A small bar featuring sorority letters. 
• A large bar featuring coordinates of a special location (for example, the exact place a person got engaged or married, or the person's new hometown if they're moving). 
• A large bar featuring someone's full name either in script or in regular case. 
• Two large bars - one reading "Big" and one reading "Little" for sorority big/little reveals. 
• ...possibilities are kind of endless. It's really customizable and pretty fun to play with ideas. 

There are two sizes (large and small) and two colors (gold and silver). Longer ones are better for dates, full names, and coordinates, while shorter ones are better for initials and sorority letters. Large necklaces (like the ones featured in the photos above) are $40, and small necklaces are $35. 

I've bought a couple of these from Etsy, and while they're definitely a little less expensive, they also turned my neck green. These necklaces are sterling silver (or gold over sterling, if you have a gold one), so there's no risk of you having Hulk-neck. Wouldn't do that to ya. 

Hopefully this will help cut out the middle man for anyone who has seen these necklaces floating around and thought, "I love that! Where'd you get it?" 

Interested in placing an order? Shoot me an e-mail! mcmcannally@gmail.com. 

Have a FANTASTIC weekend - sending lots of love your way! 

DIY Episode III: Revenge of the Chairs

If you've been following this saga, you know that a few months ago, I bought some chairs at an estate sale. You can read about our first two rounds with said chairs here and here. 

This was round three. 

95. Beg your extremely handy husband for help. Admit he was right: that you had no idea how much work this project would be and SOS PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. 
96. Pick a day that is really, really hot. You'll want to make this experience as unpleasant as possible. 
97. Invent an excuse like, "Just let me clean up the kitchen and I'll be right out!" while your husband gets started on the real work. 
98. Look at the window and feel pangs of guilt as you watch him measure the drop cloth seat back cover and cut the batting. 
99. Try and decide whether you feel guilty enough to actually go outside. 
100. You do. Go outside. Admire his work. 

101. Listen as he gives you your instructions for cutting the rest of the drop cloth seat backs and cushion covers. 
101. Ask him if he's sure he wants you to cut the pelts - wouldn't he be better at it? 
102. Sigh as he confirms that you are definitely cutting the pelts, and would you please stop calling them "pelts" because a pelt is animal skin? 
103. Ignore him and get started on pelt number one. 
104. Grab what are, somehow, despite having taught school and bought your own school supplies, THE ONLY SCISSORS IN THE HOUSE. 
105. Make sure these scissors are nice and dull. You definitely don't want to make this easy on yourself. They should be about as sharp as one of your back molars. 
106. Measure out how big your pelts should be. Consider using the old seat cover as a template. 
107. Remember that time you found a single dried Band-Aid next to a single dried Golden Graham stuck to these chairs and decide to wing it in order to avoid touching that nasty thing.

Hard pass. 

108. Rip and tear at the drop cloth with your molar scissors. 
109. ...for what seems like A FREAKIN' LIFETIME. 

110. Look over to discover that your husband has successfully covered a seat back. Get invigorated at this progress. 

111. Go help him by staple gunning the drop cloth to the chair. 
112. Only get a little mad at him when he pretends that you've stapled his finger to the chair, which you totally should have seen coming, but still - the man is a dentist, losing a finger isn't that funny JORDAN. 

113. Go back to your place on the chain gang: molar scissors.
114. To confirm your measurements, place the old seat bottom on top of your newly cut seat cover. Admire your work, but know that your husband would've cut everything perfectly straight and your work is inferior. 

115. Temporarily stop progress because of a dog who apparently isn't getting enough attention right now. 

116. Obviously pet your dog because come on lookatthatface. 
117. Then, keep cutting. The cutting. The cutting never ends. 

118. Since there aren't any fun articles to read (on broccoli rabe or anything else), assess the current construction situation on your street with disdain. 

Just to clarify, that's one next door and one across the street. Are you jealous? 

119. To entertain yourself while cutting, imagine ways that you could drive this construction crew away. 
120. Decide that the best way to get rid of them is to somehow convince them that this neighborhood is haunted.
121. Delight yourself with fantasies of moving their tools around and blaming on a ghost. 
122. Imagine you and your dog both going over, covered in white sheets, and just standing in a corner until somebody notices you and either calls the police or runs screaming from the structure. 
123. Decide maybe none of that is as good an idea as you think it is. 
124. Complete the pelt project. Finally. 
125. Stop for the day because it's about to rain. 

126. After church the next day, stop by Lowe's. 
127. Beg your husband to get some ice cream with you because the social media gods have declared it National Ice Cream Day. 
128. Bother him until he good-naturedly relents because he, too, loves ice cream. 
129. Pull up to Chick-Fil-A for some of that sweet soft serve AND REMEMBER THEY'RE CLOSED BECAUSE #SUNDAY KILL ME. 
130. Gather your strength and go without. 
131. Arrive back home, where it's time to paint these suckers. 
132. As usual, find something inside to busy yourself while your husband is being an angel and working hard. 

133. Once you go outside, realize you have unwittingly taken the worst job by handing your husband the painting job. 
134. While your husband is painting, you have to go through the other two chairs with the dental explorer and get all the grime and grout and dust and disgustingness out of there before they're painted. 
135. Consider flinging yourself from the roof. 
136. Decide to just get on with it. 

137. Discover that you actually really like this job. 
138. Wonder if it makes you a sick person that you relish in removing imperfections. 
139. Wonder if maybe you should've been a dermatologist or a dental hygienist. 
140. Resolve that it's not too late, but also remember that there's a lot of math and science involved in those jobs. 
141. Remember that time you got an 8 on an AP Chemistry test. 
142. Reconsider the whole "medical career" thing. 
143. Turn your attention to the foam padding for the seats. 
144. Discover that the seat bottoms are not, in fact, squares - so your husband will have to Frankenstein them together. 
145. After all that, they still have about an inch and a half of wood hanging off the back, so watch your husband use upholstery glue to made a piece that fits. 

146. Think to yourself that after all this work, if anyone comes to your house and spills spaghetti sauce on the chairs, that you will probably actually murder them. 
147. Briefly consider not ever inviting anyone to your house again. 
147. Add another coat of paint to the two chairs your husband painted, then add two coats to the remaining two (which have now been scraped of imperfections).
148. Cover one seat entirely. 

149. Stand back and admire your work. After a coat of varnish and the nailheads, these things will be just about done. 
150. As you're cleaning up, notice that the text you sent your husband (about how he sent you an old copy of the grocery list and that there's a newer one on the legal pad and could he please take a picture of that one) is sitting, dormant, on his phone. Realize this is why you had to wing it, and also why a box of chocolate covered pretzels ended up in the buggee. Whoops! You didn't have a list, it's not your fault. Decide to forgive him since he's basically done this entire project for you. Go cook him a big meal in appreciation. 

5 Things: Summer 2016's Trendiest Looks

It's mid-summer, which means a lot of stores are probably winding down their summer collections, which means there are probably a lot of sales going on. 

Take it from someone who works in retail. 

That being the case, I thought I'd share five great summer trends that I keep seeing over and over in the store and on our customers. Chances are, lots of stores are starting to put these pieces on sale - not because they're out of fashion, but because they're making room for fall collections. 

Now is a great time to buy a few of these things you've been lusting after for a few weeks since they'll likely be cheaper! 

1. Off-the-shoulder tops. 

This is probably the one I've seen most pervasively this season. They seem to be everywhere, doesn't it? I think they're adorable and wish I had 10,000 (although I am reminded that I once wrote a post about cleaning out our closets - UGH, competing priorities!!). 

2. Denim mini-skirts. 

I know, right? What year is it? 1994? Well, they're back. Every big retailer has 'em. It's hilarious. But there are some options that are a bit cuter than others, and if you start feeling like you want to sit and binge-watch Daria, there's really no harm in that, is there? 

3. Culottes. 

I recently read that Anna Wintour's #1 fashion trend she wants to ban from the planet is culottes. Girl, I would never want to disagree with you publically, especially since you'll obviously read this blog post, but I think SOMETIMES they can be pretty freakin' cute. Styled appropriately, of course. 

Please don't kill me, Anna Wintour. I wanna live to see my grandchildren. 

4. Scalloped swimwear. 

This is certainly not a white-hot trend, as these cute swimsuits have been EVERYWHERE for the past couple of season. I can't get enough of them - I think they're so flattering and give you such a great mix of classic style and a little edge while lounging by the pool. 

5. Mid-calf hemlines. 

Jordan thinks it's a weird length for dresses and pants, but I'm obsessed with it. This length is such an awesome throwback to the days when Audrey Hepburn was rocking mid-calf dress after mid-calf dress. 

Observe and drool: 

Headed out of town today, so this bad boy is going to serve as today's and tomorrow's post. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend full of fun and love!! 

<3 

Your face is dirty.

Micellar water. 

I've written about it before, but I'm about to write about it again. 

Why? Because it's a magical tonic? 

Yes. 

Everybody, by this point in life, probably has a face wash to which they are loyal. I have been married to a few face washes in my lifetime: Aveeno Exfoliating Scrub, Clean and Clear Exfoliating Scrub, and Aveeno Foaming Cleanser. 

But nothing, nothing, nothing compares to my micellar water. Because micellar water is my face wash AND my moisturizer. 

(Especially since I found out that microbeads are about to be outlawed because of the way they slip through shower drains, don't dissolve, and kill the fish!)

Micellar water is the simplest cleanser out there, and, in my opinion, the healthiest for your face. The science behind it is really easy to understand. Micelles, which are just molecules of oil, attract impurities like dirt and makeup.

When you sweep a cotton round soaked with micellar water across your face, it's basically the skincare equivalent of a Swiffer: all those things you don't want? Sucked like a magnet onto the round.

In addition to cleansing your skin of all the stuff you don't want on it, it's also depositing healthy oil onto your skin, which is great for keeping your face young-looking. Normal cleansers strip your skin of makeup, but they also strip your skin of healthy oils, creating dryness and tightness. 

The thing that sold me on micellar water was exactly what I'm about to show you, because it really is such an easy-to-grasp example of exactly how micellar water is more effective than other cleansers. 

When I put on a full face of "everyday" makeup, I use: 

• Moisturizer mixed with foundation
• Under-eye concealer 
• Bone-colored eyeshadow on my brow bone
• Sand-colored eyeshadow in the crease of my eyelids
• Liquid eyeliner on my top lids
• Mascara on my top lashes 
• Darker brown eyeshadow to fill in my brows
• Brow gel 
• Blush 
• Some kind of lip color 
• Loose powder 

...that sounds like a lot when I type it all out. Yikes. 

Anyway, so for this experiment, I put on all of that makeup. I washed my face with Aveeno Foaming cleanser, then thoroughly removed my eye makeup with Neutrogena Oil Free Eye Makeup Remover. 

Just so you can see that I've taken all my makeup off, I took a (really unfortunate) makeup-free bathroom selfie. You're welcome. 

Hi. 

Right. 

Then, I soaked a cotton round in Caudalie Micellar Cleansing Water.  (The bold text there is a link if you'd like to purchase some yourself!) 

This is what was removed AFTER I washed my face and took my eye makeup off (I included a clean round for comparison): 

I thought, "I wonder if there's anything else left..." 

So I repeated the experiment and the second picture includes the SECOND round that collected makeup and dirt. 

It's mind-boggling, honestly. Despite my face appearing to me squeaky-clean after washing, I still had enough junk on my skin to fill up one and a half cotton rounds. Ew. 

The best part about this process? You just watched the entirety of it. Sweeping your face with cotton rounds = done. That's the whole thing. 

You never wash your face with water. You just sweet micellar water over your skin twice a day (morning and night). Your face never gets dry - it just keeps getting better. 

I use a homemade mask (coffee grounds, greek yogurt, lemon juice, and honey) once a week to exfoliate. Otherwise, it's all micellar water, all the time. 

If you need more convincing (because I would - I like second opinions), read about it here and here. If you don't need more convincing, go buy you some daggum micellar water and prepare to be amazed. 

DIY: Return of the Chairs

Some of you may remember that about two months ago, I bought some chairs at an estate sale with the intention of refurbishing them. My first post, detailing the steps of my inaugural attempt at beating these chairs into submission, can be found here. 

Today, we have Part II of the tale. 

51. Ask your husband what he wants to do on this beautiful Saturday. Ignore him when he says what he wants to do is go fly fishing. 
52. Bribe him with promises of snacks and beer to help you work on your chairs with you, which have been sitting, dormant, on the porch. 
53. Quickly FaceTime your mom, who agrees that the chairs need to get finished, but mostly just because "they look so tacky sitting on your porch." 
54. Decide she's right. Make another list. Go to Lowe's. 
55. Promise to behave. Break said promise. Hide behind the ladders and jump out at a man who you think is your husband, but isn't.
56. Quickly ponder what going to jail would be like.
57. Arrive home with the supplies in tow. Lay out newspaper and realize what an undertaking this is going to be.

58. "Listen" to your husband read the instructions aloud on the back of the bottle of paint stripper. 
59. Make a whole bunch of stripper jokes and dance seductively around your porch. 
60. Listen to your husband tell you he's not helping if all you're going to do is spaz around the porch while he does the work.
61. Actually listen to him talk about how to use the paint stripper. 

62. Laugh bitterly to yourself at the phrase "WORKS THE FIRST TIME!" featured underneath the product title, as you have already tried this product without your husband and it did not, in fact, work the first time. All it did was eat your sponge brush until you were painting with a stump. 
63. Examine the photo on the front. What exactly are they trying to peel up?? Instant mashed potato flakes?? Did somebody have a house party that got out of control? 
64. Glove up so this stuff doesn't eat through your skin. 

65. Apply a thick layer of Goof Off to two chairs and wait for twenty minutes. Watch in amazement as the paint starts to bubble up. Loudly complain that it didn't do that last time. 
66. Listen to your husband tell you that's because you used a sponge brush and not a paintbrush. 
67. Know he's right, but don't tell him. 
68. After twenty minutes, start scraping the paint off. This would be a good time to realize that though this project is labor-intensive, this particular part is your OCD dream come true: 

69. Since your husband has so deftly completed this step, grab the paint scraper and go for it on your own chair. 
70. Realize with sadness that your husband is simply better at this than you are, but do not be deterred. 
71. Scrape until you want to cut both your arms off. Then go back over the spots that aren't coming off with more Goof Off. Then scrape some more. Scrape, scrape, scrape. When you think you want to die, scrape some more. 
72. Think that you are done because you've lost your will to live. 
73. Agree when your husband decides you should buff the first two chairs, then repeat the scraping process on the last two. 
74. Silently scream to yourself as he lays out clean newspaper and you get started on round two. 

75. As you start applying what seems like the fortieth round of Goof Off, look over to discover your husband has reached new levels of anal and is now scraping the tiny little crevices with dental tools. 

76. Decide your husband is pretty awesome.
77. Keep scraping. Try not to throw up when you come across a dried Band-Aid next to a single dried Golden Graham on the underside of a chair. 
78. Definitely don't think about why the Band-Aid and Golden Graham are next to each other. Put it out of your mind. And don't eat either. 
79. Wonder if you should take all the paint off, or if the distressed look is kind of cool on its own.
80. Because you're musing instead of scraping, accidentally drop some Goof Off on your thigh. 
81. Scream in horror because your "SKIN IS GONNA MELT OFF JORDAN HELP ME RIGHT NOW." 
82. Watch your husband help you while LOLing, because this stuff definitely doesn't take your skin off.
83. Ask him why he made you be so careful, then. 
84. Listen as he explains that it can be dangerous if mis-handled. 
85. Stew in silence over being treated like a 5-year-old, then remember you did actually did drop what is basically poison on yourself, so shut up and decide he was right. 
86. Conclude that the chairs are better in their "distressed" form, rather than in their original paint-less form. Once you scrape all that gunk off, of course.

87. Get distracted by an article called "Broccoli Rabe Dreams Big," which describes how vegetables have marketing directors. VEGETABLES. As in, if a vegetable is "hot" right now, the marketing people will promote it on talk shows and ask celebrities to endorse it. A VEGETABLE. I can't. 
88. Get back on track and finish the chairs. Look at your work. Decide it's pretty good. 
89. Look at your shoes. Look at all the paint you've gotten stuck to them. Realize your husband has been doing this in bare feet for this exact reason, but has failed to pass that advice along.
90. Remind yourself to thump him in the head later.
91. Step back, assess, and pat yourself on the back. Listen as your husband tells you he's proud of you for working so hard. 
92. Set the chairs back in their corner of the porch to wait until next time, when we'll be putting the foam backing on. There will be a staple gun involved. 
93. Let your mind run wild with the possibilities of how you could, and probably will, injure yourself. 
94. Reward.