5 Ways I Know I'm Not 20 Anymore

Getting old is tough, kiddies. There are definitely some perks to being 27 rather than 22, but there are also some downsides.

Let's explore.

1. I wait excitedly for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy to come on. 

As I've previously mentioned, Jordan and I don't have cable - we use Apple TV/Hulu/Netflix. But we did buy some rabbit ears to get basic cable, so now we can watch all the old people game shows that come on right after the 5 o'clock news. This has now become part of my evening ritual. 

You guys, Alex Trebek is SO MEAN to these people. Seriously, if you haven't watched Jeopardy in a while, I implore you to do so if only to watch Trebek passive aggressively ROAST these folks. It really is something special. Here's an excerpt from a recent episode when he really wouldn't give this poor soul Irene a break: 

After the Jeopardy! round:

Alex: And Irene trailing both of you…by a hefty margin.

Before Double Jeopardy!:

Alex: Despite those scores, it’s not out of reach for Irene.

Before Final Jeopardy!

Alex: Irene – this wasn’t your day, but we’ll start with you.

Damn, Trebek. 

2. When plans get canceled, I am elated. 

Now, don't get me wrong - sometimes I really want to see people and do things. And nobody likes being flaked on - that's not what I'm talking about. I am referring to those times when plans have been tentatively made for a particular day, and on that day, you wake up unsure of what's going to happen. Then you get THE TEXT: "Hey! ________ came up for me - can we do it another night?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to my sweatpants and the couch. 

Because that's what's happening when plans get broken. And I love every second of it. When I was 20, I would've been super disappointed and/or angry that I was probably going to miss out on some hilarious great time. These days? Pass the Cape Cod Kettle Chips. Thanks.

3. The sun hates me. 

Oh, ancestors. Couldn't you have been ANYTHING but super, super white?? 

I vividly remember the moment when I saw the first lines on my face. I was doing Teach For America at the time. One of the things you have to perfect as a teacher is a non-verbal warning to a misbehaving student while not missing a step in the lesson you're teaching. Something like this: 

TFA pays for Botox, right? 

Anyway, I'd just gotten back into my car at the end of the day, and I pulled down my visor to check my lipstick in the mirror (I was going somewhere right after to meet some folks for a drink). My car was flooded with natural light, which, as you ladies know, leaves NO flaw unturned. 

It was like three tiny rivers had been running across my forehead for years and left the fossils on my face. TERRIBLE.

When I was 20, I fell asleep with my makeup on. Now, I exfoliate, use a retinoid, a moisturizer, a spot corrector (if necessary), Burt's Bees, and do a mask once a week. I will have no more lines than is absolutely necessary.

I used to be able to galavant all over the place and not worry about the sun giving me additional lines/wrinkles. In high school, I went to the TANNING BED. That's right. Tanning bed. Can't even believe that's still legal. 

Now, I am the person who will be tucked away in the shade at the beach, under an umbrella, with SPF 125. Why? Because my ancestors came from ScotIreEngland, Home of the Vampires. We don't do sun. I've accepted it. 

4. Tons of junk food ruins my life.

There were multiple occasions in college - no one really needs to know how many - that I got out of bed at 11 and went to Waffle House with my buddies. My standard order was: a double order of hashbrowns, double covered; egg and cheese sandwich on white; side of grits and a chocolate chip waffle. 

And I ate every bite.

Recently, Jordan and I went to Huntsville for a wedding. We ate McDonald's for breakfast on the way out of town, had Mexican food at Rosie's for lunch, then, after the reception, swung through McDonald's FOR A SECOND TIME to grab some late night. 

I felt like I had eaten bricks. And I felt like that for a week. 

The first night I met Jordan was at Birmingham-Southern's homecoming event. We met, talked for about 5 hours, and then I convinced him to go with me to grab everyone some late night food. We drove through Wendy's, where I ordered a sack of 7 or 8 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. When we got back to the fraternity house, only 6 were eaten. That left two. 

I ate both.

All this to say, I've prided myself for many years on having something of an iron stomach. My brother is blessed with the same condition. But now? Now, I'm old. I'm washed up. I can't anymore. It's hard, but for the most part, I've had to break up with eating constant junk. 

For anyone who is still 20 and can do this without consequence or weight gain:  

5. Relationship games are a thing of the past.

Oh, relationship games. How much I loved you. How fun you were. 

You guys know what I'm talking about. The, "Will he text me back?" "Do you think he'll ask me out?" "I'm not going to respond for another thirty minutes so he doesn't think I'm too available." "Will you ask his friend to ask him if he's seeing anyone?" 

Yeah. 

I like to think Jordan and I are still keeping the mystery alive. There are definitely certain things that are still private - for example, we are not the couple that continues a conversation while one of us is using the bathroom by leaving the door open - BUT. There are lots of comforting things about being married that don't have anything to do with leaving the bathroom door open.

Here is a random sample of the riveting text exchanges that have happened in the last few weeks, which I think are as far away from "games" or even "interesting" as two people can get:

Or this: 

Or, how about this? 

Or how about this charming information? 

Actually can't believe I posted this one, but there ya go. 

Listen - marriage is the best. It is really, really nice to be done with the early 20's portion of my life, when I spent a lot of time wondering who I'd end up with, and instead, actually spend time BEING with that person. Jord is my teammate and I love every second of it (except the occasional day where we want to kill each other). This high-five-from-a-distance gets done a lot in our relationship: 

And it's just what 20-year-old MC dreamed about. 

Have such a happy weekend, friends! 

DNR - JTI: Facebook Edition

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear People Who Use Facebook In Place of Going to the Doctor,
I recently saw a status - a status that inspired this entire post, actually - that read, "Doubled over in pain. Uncontrollable stomach cramping for 5 hours. Any ideas??" I do have an idea: go to the emergency room. There, you will find scores of trained professionals who have attended years of schooling to be able to answer just such a question. Conversely, on Facebook, you will find a lot of people who have the same access to WebMD that you do, in addition to a lot of people who believe themselves to be doctors, but are not. If it's attention you're looking for, just go ahead and post a picture of a puppy or baby orangutan or something like that. People LOVE that stuff. I know I'd certainly enjoy it more. DNR - JTI. And go to the doctor. 

Dear People Who Are Outraged and/or Disgusted About Something,
It seems to me that in most problems can be solved with a couple of deep breaths and some more information. In many cases, if I'm outraged, I find that it's because I don't have all the facts. Whenever I've done more research, or talked to someone more informed than I am, I usually get a lot cooler-headed and am so thankful I didn't do anything rash, like post something on the Internet, about whatever it was. I know, I know, getting more information and just breathing deeply won't work for everyone. But try it. See how it feels. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,
Every single video you post is a delight. Melissa McCarthy doing "Colors of the Wind" was a highlight of my week. It even made my husband laugh out loud. Keep doing you. DNR - JTI. 

Dear People Who Start Their Posts With, "I usually don't post stuff like this...",

DNR - JTI. 
 

Dear Some of My Former Students Who Post Things That Would Make R. Kelly Blush,
Don't you remember the whole lesson I did on how the Internet is forever?? I am about to private message you with the fire of a thousand suns. You're better than that. DNR - JTI. And then quit it.

Dear Social Media,
Thank you, sincerely, for not being around when I myself was a youth. Livejournal contains plenty of emotionally overwrought entries from 14-year-old me, but the idea that I could have (and would have) posted 1,000 selfies of my awkwardly parted hair and general middle school-ness gives me goosies. Bless the hearts of the children who are coming of age in front of a screen. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Every 20 Year Old Girl Posting Pictures of College,
You have no idea how much fun the time you're living in is. Adulthood has its own awesome things, like never having take another final again, getting married, and making money. But after you graduate? You don't get to go to formals once a quarter. No swaps. No fraternity parties in the basement. No getting covered in beer. It's only wedding receptions from here on out, and while those are really fun, it's the only big occasion to dress up anymore. LIVE IT UP, KIDS. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Everyone,
Please forgive me for the thousands of Facebook etiquette laws I have inevitably breached. I'm sure lots of you are so glad that there's an "Unfollow" button, though those people probably won't even be reading this post, because, you know...they unfollowed. I am a lot. It's true. I bet you could do a whole DNR - JTI just for me. You guys are great. DNR - JTI. 

Puppy Palooza

I'm just gonna tell you now, this post comes with a medical warning: 

If you have a heart condition, proceed with caution. 'CAUSE YOUR HEART MIGHT EXPLODE. 

Yesterday, Tom Hanks and I went to visit Meredith and Ollie, the brand new baby 4 month old King Charles Cavalier. Meredith and Ollie live in Charlotte, so we try to get together as often as we can! 

Tom Hanks took Ollie his favorite toys, Kong's (what we call) "Tiny Balls," and hilarity ensued.

These puppies had a big day. 

First, they met:

Then, they went to lunch:  

They shared a water bowl: 

After lunch, it was play time back at Meredith's. 

Tom Hanks watched me play with Ollie in despair (this is taken over the top of TH's head): 

And after we left, it was naptime. Because they just got worn slap out, you guys! 

All around, a delightful visit in every single way. Tom Hanks has never been around a dog as teeny as Ollie, so that took a second of getting used to, but toward the end of the day, Tom Hanks was laying down and letting Ollie climb on his back. 

Next time, I would like to train Ollie to ride Tom Hanks around like a horse. Because that is seriously what their proportions are like right now - a doggie and a horsie. 

...apparently I talk like a baby when I'm looking at puppy pictures. I CAN'T HELP IT!! 

It is one of the great gifts of life to have incredible friends, and to have one so close in a state where neither of us has any family or friends is so huge. I am so grateful for Meredith, and if I had to speak for him, I think TH is also very grateful for Ollie. ...once he gets over his heartache that I was petting another dog. 

Happy Tuesday! 

Last Saturday Night

It's Monday, everybody! Hooray! 

Tom Hanks and I have a very exciting day planned - we're heading to Charlotte to see one of my very dearest friends, Meredith, and her new puppy, Ollie. Neither of us has met Ollie yet, and I'm REALLY excited to get to see them/a little terrified TH is going to crush baby Ollie with his excitement. Remember the gentle giant Lennie in "Of Mice and Men?" Right. 

This past weekend, Jordan and I took a day-trip to Huntsville for my other favorite Meredith's wedding. Meredith Ervin, my big sister in Chi O and one of my all-time role models, married her sweetheart Cline on Saturday night, and we were so thrilled to get to be there. 

I thought I'd share some pictures from being reunited with a crazy bunch of friends/crazy people from college who I love, love, love. 

Note: Katie is not actually drunk in that video of her eating pasta, but the caption is too good to resist. That may be my favorite thing that happened all night, except, you know, Meredith getting married. 

Hope you guys had as much fun as we did this weekend! Every so often, it's good to just cut the hell loose. 

Wish Tom Hanks luck and good manners as we travel today - tomorrow's post will be full of puppy pictures. What could be better than that?? 

5 Things: Habits Young Professional Women Should Break

1. Apologizing.

This one is probably something that could be applied to all women everywhere, but especially in a professional realm. Women, for whatever reason, feel compelled to say, "I'm sorry!" for a lot of things that don't warrant an apology, especially when it comes to asking clarifying questions and/or asking for something we know you need. Here are times that I have apologized when I could have skipped it: 

Someone at the other end of a board table was speaking so softly that none of the folks at the other end could hear a word he was saying: "Sorry, could you speak up a little bit? Thanks so much! Sorry about that!" 

I once didn't receive an e-mail that the rest of my team received, so I wrote the following e-mail to my manager: "Hey there - sorry to bug you, but I think I'm missing the e-mail detailing XYZ. Would you mind sending it along?"

If you go back and read those interactions without the apology, they are just as polite, but not as self-effacing. In both those situations, I was completely within my rights to ask the question I was asking, but, in both, felt the need to apologize in order to soften the question somehow. 

We think apologizing helps us look less demanding, but it ends up giving the impression that we think our very presence is an inconvenience to someone. Monitor yourself this week and just notice how many times you apologize when you don't have to. It's an interesting experiment. 

2. Saying, "To be honest..." 

In the same way that unnecessary apologizing is language that gives an impression opposite from the one we hope to give off, saying, "To be honest," before you start a sentence achieves a similar negative outcome.

Using, "To be honest," or "Frankly," or "Honestly," or "If I'm telling the truth here," as a pre-cursor to giving your opinion will subtly and subconsciously make the listener think that everything else you've said in your conversation with them has NOT been "honest" or "frank" or "truthful." 

It seems like, "To be honest," gets used most often when a person is trying to buy time because they aren't sure what they want to say. I am totally guilty of this, so in the past couple of years, I've tried to be more comfortable with silence. 

For example, if someone asks me something and I feel that panic of not having an instant answer ready, I intentionally take a deep breath, think on it, and then respond. There is power in silence that we tend to give away by filling that silence with fluff like, "To be honest;" when, in reality, that kind of fluff makes whatever we say next sound less authoritative.  

3. Using "just" in e-mails. 

Ellen Petry Leanse of Google wrote a super compelling and widely-read article about women using the word "just" in e-mails or in conversation. 

Basically, her thesis was that women use "just" as a "permission word." I'll let her take it from here: 

"I just wanted to check in on …"

"Just wondering if you'd decided between …"

"If you can just give me an answer, then …"

"I'm just following up on …"

I started paying attention, at work and beyond. It didn't take long to sense something I hadn't noticed before: Women used "just" more often than men.

It hit me that there was something about the word I didn't like. It was a "permission" word, in a way — a warm-up to a request, an apology for interrupting, a shy knock on a door before asking "Can I get something I need from you?"

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was a "child" word, to riff Transactional Analysis. As such it put the conversation partner into the "parent" position, granting them more authority and control. And that just didn't make sense.

When I read this article, I started vigilantly monitoring my use of "just," and found out that I use it ALL THE TIME. In e-mails, in conversation - it's everywhere. See if you notice the same thing. 

4. Dressing for the job you have.  

Color me a big anti-feminist, individuality-squashing 1950's man, but I'm telling you: women are more guilty than men of dressing inappropriately for work. 

Granted, men only have like three options that they get to mix and match, which is totally unfair and makes things way easier for them, but I digress. 

When getting ready for work in the morning, the questions that I started asking myself were: 

1. Would I be uncomfortable bending down in this top? 
2. Would I be uncomfortable sitting down in this skirt? 
3. Is this an outfit that the highest ranking person in my organization would be proud to see me wearing? 

Don't get me wrong, I have definitely not always followed those rules perfectly. But eventually, after lots of trial and error, I figured out that it is worth the extra effort on the front end of getting ready to feel 100% comfortable in my clothes, rather than throwing something on and rushing out the door only to find that my top is way lower-cut than I thought. Once, I had to use the folder I was given in a board meeting as a shield for my legs because the skirt I'd chosen in a rush was WAY too short when I sat down. It was all I could think about the entire day. 

There has been a huge decline in the sales of places like GAP, Ann Taylor, J. Crew, and Banana Republic. Why? Because professional women are masters of high-low fashion. What does that mean? That young women buy a few staple pieces from Nordstrom Rack or Saks Off Fifth, then fill the rest of their wardrobes in with Forever 21.

Not inherently a bad thing, but it does get tricky if tops that would work on a Saturday night are also being worn to the office. And it usually means that we don't function at our very best, because we're self-conscious about what we have on. My dad always says, "If you're going to fidget with your clothes all day, wear something else." 

5. Feeling like you owe anyone an explanation about your personal choices.

People, particularly older men, tend to have a few default questions for their younger, female co-workers. 

"So, do you have a boyfriend?"
"Meet anyone interesting?"
"You've been dating forever! When are you guys getting engaged?" 
"Thinking about having children soon?" 

Most often, these questions are born out of pure innocence. The people asking them aren't trying to be invasive or rude -- usually, they're just not quite sure what to say, but they want to appear interested in us as people. And that's totally harmless. 

But it can feel a little too personal, or even judgmental, when people with whom we haven't developed that sort of relationship start asking these questions. It's possible that the real answers are: 

"I just broke up with someone."
"No, and I'm really having a hard time being single." 
"This is a sensitive subject for me, and I don't want to talk about this." 
"I'm having fertility issues and I might just start crying right here on the spot." 

If you find yourself in a situation like this, where you're being asked a question that you really don't want to answer, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IT. It's that simple. You don't owe anyone an explanation about your personal life or choices, unless you actually want to engage in that conversation. 

You have every right to politely re-route the topic: 

Q. "So, do you have a boyfriend?" 
A. "Right now I'm really focused on work! Hey, tell me more about this project you mentioned..."

Q. "Meet anyone interesting?" 
A. "There are so many interesting people - I feel really lucky to work here. Remind me - how did you get started with the company?" 

Q. "You've been dating forever! When are you guys getting engaged?" 
A. "We've been dating a while, it's true! I really love him/her and I'm pumped to see where the relationship is going. Meanwhile, I needed some clarity about this e-mail..." 

Q. "Thinking about having children soon?" 
A. "We're enjoying time with each other right now. Really quickly - can I ask your advice on something? I'm not sure how to proceed with this client." 

Easy, polite, respectful. Those responses don't assume the person asking is nosey, but they do send the message that you aren't interested in discussing that subject any further. 

Shoutout to all my working ladies who are kicking ass every day!! Enjoy your weekends, girls! 

My Favorite Song

There's a show on XM called My Favorite Song hosted by John Benjamin Hickey. I've been falling in love with it lately. On the show, the host has different celebrities fill out a questionnaire detailing their favorite song in different categories, like Favorite Sad Song or Favorite Workout Song, and then they come on the show to elaborate. During the interview, as each song is brought up, it's played over the airwaves. 

It's really great. It's so interesting to hear them talk about what songs they love and why - I've heard Sarah Jessica Parker, Tom Hiddleston, and Ellen Burstyn. It kind of reminds me of a very short, music-themed version of Inside the Actor's Studio, but without creepy James Lipton.

So this morning, I thought I'd share my list, according to the categories that John Benjamin Hickey asks his guests. I wish I was sitting down with each of you to hear yours! 

Favorite Workout Song

This is such a cheesy choice, because this song is kind of terrible, but this is the song that I listened to over and over while getting in shape for mine and Jordan's wedding. I always played this song at the very end of my run, when I was really exhausted, to give me that last burst of energy - every time I heard it, I would imagine everyone dancing at our reception and how exciting that would be! 

Favorite Rock and Roll Song

Because it's just fantastic. This song reminds of why the word "epic" is used to describe music. It makes you feel like you can fly a little bit. 

Favorite Love Song

Had to include both versions. Both these women are so iconic, SO incredible - changed music in their own rights. This may seem like a clichéd choice, but it's only because these songs have become so popular since they were released. Go back and listen to these songs as though you've never heard them before and just sink into having your heart melted. This song is transcendent, every single time. 

Favorite Happy Song

This is one of those songs that, for whatever reason, is stuck in my head almost every single morning that I wake up. Half of it is probably because my dad used to sing this around the house growing up, and the other half is because it says, "Gotta get up, gotta get goin'," in the first lyric. Either way, this is an easy choice for me - this upbeat cover by one of my all-time favorite, if not terribly well-known, artists is just about as happy as it gets. It reminds me of growing up with parents who made sure Parker and I were well-versed in all kinds of music, not just (almost never, actually) Top 40's. 

Favorite Song From High School

Oh MAN. The first four bars of this song take. me. BACK. This song technically came out when I was in middle school, but it represents high school for me in so many ways. My friend Jennifer and I called this our "pick me up song," and every time it came on, we'd dance around like lunatics. This also opened up a deep obsession with Jimmy Eat World for me that lasted about 5 years - their subsequent records, Futures and Chase This Light were just so freakin' major within the four walls of my white '94 Ford Explorer. This song is high school wrapped up in a bow. 

Favorite Song to Dance To

May seem like an unusual choice, but this song is the first song I learned to how to do a line dance to at Camp Sumatanga, which was a HUGE part of my adolescence. Every time I hear this song, no matter where I am, even if I'm sitting down, I do all the moves from the line dance that I learned when I was 13. 

Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski ski ski ski TREE! 

Favorite Sad Song

Really, I could go all day on Favorite Sad Songs because I am #emo. No, but really, I could - so many of my favorite songs ARE sad songs. I think it's because when an artist writes a sad song, they mean it so hard - it just grabs you by the guts and won't let you go. 

Live Oak is one of the most haunting songs I've ever heard, and Jason Isbell, being the other-worldly lyricist he is, slays me with the line, "There's a man who walks beside her, he is who I used to be - and I wonder if she sees him and confuses him with me. And I wonder who she's pining for on nights I'm not around - could it be the man who did the things I'm living down?" 

Come. ON. 

Ghost in this House is not only one of my favorite sad songs to listen to, but also to sing. It's technically very challenging, though musically simple, and the lyrics to that song paint such a vivid picture of what it means to be lonely without love. 

Favorite Duet

Frankly, just get out of here if you don't like this song.

Something about David Bowie dying recently makes this even more of a FREAKING MIRACLE to listen to. You guys, if there's no other song you play from this entire post, make it this one. Please, make it this one. If this doesn't just tear you apart, you're already dead. 

And for an added treat, here's the isolated vocal from this song, if you've never heard it. Prepare for your brain to be absolutely motherf*cking melted. (Excuse the language, kind of. It's warranted.) 

These two voices, totally a capella, JUST FREAKIN' KILLING IT.

Favorite Guilty Pleasure Song

May or may not know all the words to this. To be honest, the entire album Big Willie Style is my guilty pleasure. It's so freakin' good. I can't help it. So many family car jam sessions rapping to this song. I think learning all the female backup vocals to Will Smith's songs is when I realized I could kind of sing. 

"Cause we see things that you need not see; we be places that you need not be." 

Favorite Christmas Song

All-time favorite Christmas song. And written by a Birmingham-Southern College graduate, to boot. Beautiful in every single way. 

Favorite Live Song

Yeah, okay so here's the story on this one. Freddie Mercury died in fall of 1991, and this was a tribute concert for AIDS awareness organized in his honor that took place in spring 1992. Nobody thought that George Michael, of WHAM! fame, could take on the extremely difficult vocal of this song, but he took it on. 

And he CRUSHED IT. 

Watch this video and prepare to be covered in goosebumps when literally thousands of people clap along to a tribute for a man whose mark on music was indelible. 

Favorite Show Tune

It's a no-brainer. 

The number of times I have sung this song in my car, in the shower, in my bedroom as an 8-year-old in a newsboy cap using the posts on my four-poster bed as streetlights to lean on - I cannot count them. Seriously, hundreds and hundreds of times. This song is such a gut-punch. Before I even knew what it meant to be heartbroken, I knew how to sing this song backwards and forwards. Lea Salonga = my girl for life. 

My dream role in my next life when I'm a Broadway star. 

Favorite Song From a Movie

Did you want to cry this morning? You're welcome. 

Once I had a birthday party where we watched Stepmom and all sobbed our eyeballs out. Since then, it's been a song that my friends and I love and play when we're with each other. A symbol of the kind of closeness that doesn't mind distance or years - permanent, intimate, joyful, wonderfulness that only exists in friendships. 

"If you ever need a helping hand, I'll be there on the double, just as fast as I can." 

...why am I crying?! 

Wedding Song

Jordan and I had the good fortune of meeting our wedding band weeks before we got married, because they played at someone else's wedding. We asked them what their favorite songs to play for first dances were, and this was the first one they said. We told them we'd never heard it, so they said they'd play it for us during the second half of the reception and point at us so we'd know it was the song they mentioned. 

An hour later, we were back on the dance floor, and the lead singer pointed at us while the band started playing this song. Jordan grabbed my hand and we started dancing, and (of course) I started crying, knowing this was definitely going to be our wedding song. Four months later, we danced our hearts out and loved every second of it. 

...although I guess you could also say this was a wedding song, too.