Kids on Ellen

One of the things I like to do if I'm having a weird, slow, or fuzzy morning, LIKE TODAY, is watch a video of one of the millions of cute kids that have been on the Ellen show. 

I know it's not "5 Things Friday," but who cares? Here are 5 videos that will make you smile - if they don't, I don't wanna know ya. 

1. Macy meets Obama

2. Lil' P-Nut (my favorite of all time)

3. Brielle recites the periodic table (Jordan's favorite of all time)

4. Sophia Grace and Rosie meet Nicki Minaj

5. The "Apparently" kid, who is also an 85 year old man trapped in a child's body

Met Ball: Best and Worst

Last night was one of my favorite nights in fashion. It's the annual Met Gala, also known as the Met Ball, which serves as the major annual fundraiser for the Costume Institute at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Since the Institute itself is named for Anna Wintour, she always hosts the event (there are even rumors that she screens and pre-approves all the attendees' outfits), and chooses a co-host. This year, it was Taylor Swift - but more on that later.

Because textiles can't be constantly exposed to light and air while still being preserved, the Costume Institute has a theme each year that dictates what they put on display in the museum, and the Met Ball revolves around that theme. This year's was "Manus x Machina: Fashion in the Age of Technology." 

I am SO ready to get this party started. Let's hit it: 

BEST, in no particular order.

Katy Perry in Prada

SLAYING. I can't decide whether or not this is my favorite look of the night, but it's certainly in my top three. The Met Ball is all about drama - it's not a moment to play it safe. The most memorable looks from years past have been worn by people who really went for it (remember this?), so I'm all about a look that not only shoots for the stars, but lands there. This is both theme appropriate and DEEPLY fabulous - she looks like some kind of robot overlord. 

Lupita Nyong'o in Calvin Klein Collection

I love how, in both Katy Perry and Lupita's pictures, there are onlookers in their photos. That's how striking they were - they paps couldn't even get a picture without accidentally snagging some people gawking and talking about their gowns! 

Listen - is this my favorite look of all time? No. But this evening was not about practicality, nor should it be - as you'll see in my "worst" section, the people I liked least are the people who didn't take a chance. Although that color is not my favorite on her, the dress fits her flawlessly. And that hair? Come on. Miss Lupita is serving up alien princess realness and I am HERE FOR IT. 

Zoe Saldana in Dolce & Gabbana

Once again, bringing the drama and the FIERCE. Although I'm not 100% sure how this aligns with the theme of technology influencing fashion, I really don't care because I'm being overwhelmed by fabulousness. She is to die for. 

Edit: I now see exactly how this aligns because of how the skirt was made. It's about featuring technology IN fashion, not necessarily about looking like a robot.

Beyoncé in Givenchy

Does she know what she's doing, or what? 

Mere days after the release of her world-stopping album Lemonade, and after all the drama that took place after the Met Ball two years ago, she knew all eyes would be on her. And she brought it. But she went a very different route this year than last year's naked dress - she's got full coverage, but still pulled of the body-con in what looks like a latex space suit. This is honestly a dress that I have both loved and hated in the last 12 hours, but that usually means it's right on the nose for the Met Ball. 

Bella Hadid in Givenchy

It's hard to see in this photo, but that entire skirt is detailed ruffles. 

Call me basic, but I thought she was stunning last night. 

Lady Gaga in Atelier Versace

VINTAGE GAGA! VINTAGE GAGA! 

Oh my goodness, the degree to which this outfit thrills me is probably a little bit embarrassing. I love love LOVE that she went back to a leotard and sky-high platform boots. It's hard not to figure that this is an homage not only to the theme, but to her icon David Bowie. 

Living for that jacket. 

Claire Danes in Zac Posen

I don't even feel the need to comment on this obvious knockout, but I will. 

I don't normally love Zac Posen, but he really knocked it out of the park here. This is Cinderella-bot beauty, and only Claire Danes and her elegance could pull this off. Just look at her - that is the face of a woman who knows she nailed it. 

Jared Leto and Florence Welch in Gucci

Two style icons doing what they do best: shutting it down. 

Others I'm obsessed with: 

WORST. 

Taylor Swift in custom Louis Vuitton

GIRL, BYE. 

This is DEFINITELY biased because I really can't abide Taylor Swift at all and I am REALLY. SICK. OF HER. these days. 

It's just...so thirsty. Like, Taylor Swift: you've built an empire on "cherry lips and crystal skies." Go home and wipe off that black lipstick. You are not goth. You are not Kylie Jenner. You are not fooling anyone. 

My chief complaint about this look is that Taylor was co-hosting this event with Anna Wintour, and she chose to wear...a cocktail dress?? This is a WHITE TIE event. Cocktail isn't up to code. And on top of all of that, this looks like a dress she would've worn in her tour this past year - it doesn't strike me as unique at ALL. This wasn't daring or chance-taking; this was SAFE. She wears some version of this every single awards show. Am I supposed to be impressed because she found the platinum bleach?

Taylor Swift = metallic, cutouts, crop top and high-rise bottoms, sleeveless. Always. Basic basic basic basic BASIC. You need some "me time," Taylor. Glad you're taking a year off. Go work on yourself. 

Amy Schumer in Alexander Wang

Sad boobs and lack of pedicure. Also, not on theme. 

Her dress looks like a dragon who needs Prozac. HATE it. 

Mindy Kaling in Tory Burch

Mindy, I love you, but I just fell asleep. This is the most boring dress on planet Earth. And at the MET BALL?! Rihanna basically wore a giant omelette last year! Come on, girl!

What makes me the saddest about this is that she usually uses her personal costume designer, Salvador Perez, to create stunning and colorful looks that fit her beautifully. This was just a swing and a miss. 

Blake Lively in Burberry

Poor Blake got confused and thought she was attending last year's Gala, whose theme was China: Through the Looking Glass. 

This doesn't make any sense and is also VERY Blake Lively with that wrapped super-tight corset style. We've seen it. We're bored. 

Also another celeb for whom I believe #thethirstisreal. She and Taylor Swift can go hang out somewhere. 

Katie Holmes in I Don't Care Enough to Look It Up

She looks like someone's crazy aunt they're trying to avoid at a wedding reception. This is the definition of #tragique. 

Madonna

...no. No. THIS is the definition of #tragique. Honey. Let's get you home and in bed. It makes me sad that someone this iconic is aging this poorly - and I don't mean that she looks bad. I mean that she is begging for proverbial table scraps. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS, MADONNA. 

Dishonorable mention: The ENTIRE Kardashian/West clan (Kanye actually wore JEANS TO THIS EVENT AND I CANNOT), Ivanka Trump, Kristen Stewart. 

Taking a Compliment

Taking a compliment. Not easy, right? 

When someone compliments us - hair, clothes, professional success, how well-behaved our children or our pets are, our home, etc. - our first instinct is not to accept, but to deflect. 

Here are some examples of things that I have said recently: 

Compliment: "Mary Catherine, your outfit is so cute!" 
Me: "Well I'm trying to distract from the fact that I've eaten like I'm out on bail this weekend, so this tunic is to mask the 1,000 pounds of pasta in my belly right now." 

Compliment: "This breakfast is delicious - thank you so much!" 
Me: "Somehow I've made these biscuits 1,000 times, and they still didn't turn out quite right. Ugh. But thank you!" 

Compliment: "I love the way you did your hair today. It looks really pretty!" 
Me: "Actually I look like a garden troll - I haven't washed my hair for three days and it basically is about to leave my head in protest." 

So, yeah. I'm certainly not talking about this because I've mastered the art of taking a compliment. 

But it's something I've become acutely aware of lately - it seems women in particular simply cannot take compliments. We have such a hard time accepting that someone else is giving us praise. Why?? I think it's two major reasons: 

1. We don't accept compliments because we don't want other people to think we're stuck up. 

This is basically the "So you agree - you think you're really pretty?" scene from Mean Girls, realized. If someone gives you a compliment, and you don't immediately disagree or say something mean about yourself, that must mean you AGREE with the compliment. And THAT must mean you're stuck up and horrible, because the idea that you're allowed to feel good about yourself is just plain unacceptable. 

2. We genuinely don't agree with the compliment or are uncomfortable getting praised. 

I have lots of friends who, when complimented (especially in front of a group), turn into shrinking violets. They physically actually make themselves smaller and try to direct attention anywhere but them. These are my friends who, for whatever reason, can't understand why they're being positively reinforced by anyone about anything. They don't believe they're worthy of these sorts of kind words, so they have a physiological reaction to being singled out. They don't see it in themselves and they CERTAINLY don't want to hear it from others. 

Listen, here's the thing. 

If someone is giving you a compliment about ANYTHING - however small - it's because that person really, genuinely had that thought and wanted to share it with you. It's a verbal affirmation with the singular intention of making you feel good about yourself. When we deflect or disagree with compliments, we're not really achieving the goal we think we are. Instead of looking humble, funny, or down-to-earth, we end up looking rude, ungrateful, and insecure. The person who gave us the compliment is now having to laugh at our joke meant to minimize what they meant to be kind.

Think about it - if you were at a restaurant with a group of people and someone said, "My meal was GREAT. Every bite was perfect," you'd never respond with, "Really?? Because I thought your food looked like garbage." Of course not! You'd never be rude enough to say something that contradicted that person's experience or insulted their opinion. And you know what a compliment directed at you is? That person's experience and their opinion. 

I am a person who loves to compliment other people, regardless of how well I know them (I'm the girl who will cross a room to tell a stranger that I love her shoes or bag or hair or anything else), and yet I still have to coach myself through simply saying, "Thank you so much!" when someone compliments me. Whazzup with that?? 

So here's my challenge for everyone, but particularly the ladies who read this blog: all week long, I want us (me included) to practice accepting compliments WITHOUT the little dog and pony show that goes along with it. Here are some responses you could use: 

"Thank you so much!" 
"Oh wow - I wasn't feeling great, and you just made my day!" 
"That is so kind of you to say. I really appreciate that." 
" You know what? I left the house feeling really insecure about _________, and you just made me feel great!" 
"You are always so sweet. Thanks for saying that!" 
And if you're anxious about letting the "Thank you," hang in there air, then throw a compliment right back! 

If your problem is that you're worried people will think you're a big snob, here's a secret: they won't. People are way too wrapped up in themselves to worry thinking that much about your response to a compliment -- promise. 

If your problem is that you don't think you deserve the attention, well Lean In, sister, 'cause I got news: YOU DO. 

It may be uncomfortable, and it may not feel natural, but on our path to being fully realized, gracious, radiant women, one of the things we have to learn to do is just say, "Thank you." 

Gauntlet: thrown! 

(And in the meantime, please enjoy this hysterical - but also NSFW and partially pretty foul - video from Inside Amy Schumer about how women just can't take a compliment.) 

5 Things: Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

I realize "guarantee" is a strong word, but I feel like the following five things will at least make you smile. Even if you've seen them before, I bet you'll laugh again. 

Or maybe you won't. Maybe you're dead inside. 

Friday is a great day to start with some giggles. Don't you wake up Friday morning more excited than other days? WEEKEND! Yes!

Here we go: 

1. Wisdom Tooth Zombie Apocalypse

You've probably seen this one - it's the most recent of the bunch - but man it made me laugh. "Take the cat, you idiot!" is a highlight. 

2. Chris Pratt's Parks and Rec Blooper Reel

I have to warn you ahead of time that the first joke on this reel is EXTREMELY foul and NSFW. But HOLY FREAKING COW this guy is so funny. Long before he was smokin' hot, he was making poop jokes on P&R. 

3. Wizard People, Dear Reader

If you've never seen this, watch it all the way through. Trust me. This is one guy who has dubbed narration for all the Harry Potter movies. I tried to type an explanation just now and it just doesn't compare. Even funnier if you add alcohol.

4. Kate McKinnon Being Hysterical

There are about a million sketches I could put here, but this is the most recent and one of the funniest because no one can keep it together. Also, Ryan Gosling. 

5. This Ridiculous Vine

I have no idea why Jordan and I love this so much, but we can't take this video. It has almost killed us multiple times. If you want to see my husband's eyes disappear deep into his face and a very high pitched squeak-laugh, please play this video around him and it will be delivered. 

Okay people. Risking that you think exactly 0 of these are funny and posting it anyway. 

Enjoy your weekends! 

Do It Yourself In One Million "Easy" Steps

Doing it yourself is so easy! It only takes one million extremely complicated steps. 

1. Look at your dining room. Gaze in ambivalence at your four non-matching, VERY worn out chairs.
2. Realize that you're a 27-year-old grown woman who's been married for nearly 2 years and it's time to get matching dining room chairs. 
3. Meet a friend and go to an estate sale. 
4. Try not to think about the fact that all this furniture used to belong to someone who died recently. 
5. Do not look at the mug that says "World's Best Grandpa," and do NOT think about how sad it is that that mug is on the shelf. 
6. Stumble upon a set of chairs that have good bones.

7. Ask your friend what she thinks. 
8. Text your mom to get her opinion.
9. Text your husband to get HIS opinion. 
10. Congratulate yourself on being awesome at choosing husbands when his response is, "Get what you want! You're the boss!" 
11. Note with glee that all four chairs are only $80. 
12. Buy chairs. 
13. Go to brunch and celebrate. 
13. Come back the next day with husband and dog to pick up said chairs. 
14. Make sure the chairs, which are not high quality, scratch the paint off your husband's Jeep (his most prized possession). It's important to add a little tension to the scenario, because otherwise it's just TOO EASY! 
15. Find a tutorial online that started with similar chairs to yours and ended up looking like you want them.

16. Compile a list of supplies and ask your husband to drive you to Lowe's. 
17. Convince your husband that you promise not to act up in Lowe's this time - you won't hide behind the palettes or use dowels as swords or climb the ladders and sing his name loudly when you're at the top.
18. Keep your promise (mostly). 
19. Locate all your supplies, then drive to the fabric store. 
20. Avoid the cute boy scouts on the way in, because they want to sell you things you don't need and you're powerless against a cute, chubby little boy scout. 
21. Laugh to yourself as you pass a family where the smallest boy is suggesting a Finding Nemo print for his mom's new couch.
22. Gasp in horror at how expensive all the foam you need to re-cover the cushions and back of the chairs is going to be. 
23. Ignore that the brooding teenage guy checking you out hasn't showered today (or anytime this year) and smile politely as he tells you that you have to get your foam pre-cut in order to pay for it. 
24. Watch as your husband returns the foam to where it belongs and decides that the foam part can wait until another day.
25. Arrive home. Pack a lunch for your husband so he can go fly fishing.
26. Sit on your front porch, drink a beer, and seriously consider setting the chairs on fire. 
27. Locate sandpaper. Start sanding the paint away. Sand until it hurts. Sand until you don't have fingerprints left.
28. Remember that your friend Wes gave your husband a palm sander as a wedding gift. 
29. Go to your basement. Get bitten by a rat (or probably just an ant, but it felt like a rat). Find the sander. 
30. Google "How do you use a palm sander?" and watch the tutorial. 
31. Turn the sander on. Promptly sand a chunk off of one of the chair legs. And make sure it's a front leg, too - not a back leg where no one will notice. 
32. Call your father in law to make him talk you through sanding stuff. 
33. Decide you can TOTALLY DO THIS and you will not be defeated be an MFing power tool. 
34. Sand two chairs completely. 
35. Try to remove the seat cushions from the chair frame with a screwdriver. Fail. Strip the screws to make sure they're REALLY hard to get out. 
36. Remember that your husband has a drill somewhere. Find it. Turn it on. 
37. Shove one of the drill bits into the drill head thing and start stabbing at the screw to see if that's how it works. 
38. Google "How the hell do you use an electric drill??????" 
39. Figure it out and remove all but two of the screws. 
40. Take a selfie to send to your father in law who can't believe you're doing this project. 

41. Find the varnish and a sponge paintbrush.
42. Having not learned anything from the "start with the back legs" mistake of just a few minutes ago, start by painting the front legs. Badly. 
43. Hope your neighbors aren't weirded out that you're binge watching Sex and the City while doing this. Try to turn the volume down anytime Samantha is on screen. Slime your computer with varnish. 
44. Since you've sunk 4 hours into this project, welcome your husband back home from his fishing trip. 
45. Watch in delight as he successfully removes the stripped screws by using a rubber band as leverage. 

46. Apologize to your EXTREMELY bored dog, who won't even look at you because of how neglected he's been all day. 

47. Congratulate yourself on having not permanently damaged yourself, the dog, or the chairs. 
48. Congratulate yourself on having learned how to use power tools all on your own. 
49. Leave the chairs on the porch, untouched, for the rest of the weekend. 
50. Look at your life. Look at your choices. Hope that the chairs get eaten by bears. 

Sipping LEMONADE.

...y'all. 

WHO CHEATS ON BEYONCE?!

Sorry. Getting ahead of myself. 

If you haven't been on Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat or Twitter or looked at iTunes or Buzzfeed or anything else this morning, let me share with you: 

Saturday night, Beyonce released a visual album - beautiful, film-quality music videos accompanying each new song on her record - on HBO. Immediately after she released the visual album, she released the audio album, LEMONADE, to Tidal, her husband (Jay Z)'s music streaming service. 

In an interesting twist, though, she'll also be releasing it on iTunes.  This is worth noting for a couple of reasons: 1. Because the purpose of Tidal was to create a superior streaming service to iTunes for "real" artists, so releasing it on both platforms is kind of defeating the purpose, but 2. Because Tidal was founded by Jay Z, who cheated on her. 

And that's what this new project is all about.

In LEMONADE, titled because of Jay Z's grandmother's quote ("I was served lemons, but I made lemonade,"), Beyonce takes us on a journey from discovering her husband's infidelity (as word markers flash across the screen: "Denial," "Anger," Accountability," "Apathy") to her decision to try and move forward in her marriage ("Reformation," "Forgiveness," "Hope"). Watching the visual album straight through takes a little under an hour (57 minutes) and feels like watching a movie - one that's almost too emotionally honest to look at directly. 

Everything about this project is raw. It's hard to watch. It's hard to listen to. At one point, through her beautiful singing, you can hear the tears in her voice as she nearly screams:

"Dishes smashed on the counter / from our last encounter / pictures snatched out the frame / bitch, I scratched out your name and your face / what is it about you that I can't erase?/ Every promise don't work out that way." 

But the reason this album is so unique is that for all the times you want to turn away from the unfiltered intensity, you are compelled to keep watching because of the absolutely stunning aesthetics of each shot.

Beyonce's new project is one of the most visually beautiful things I've seen in a long time. Every close-up, every costuming choice, every set, every woman who appears in it - it's classically beautiful one second and hauntingly sad the next. No matter what's going on on screen, you can't stop watching -- especially when you figure out that her outfits in LEMONADE correspond with outfits she's worn in previous music videos with her husband. 

SYMBOLISM, PEOPLE. It's everywhere. You really have to watch this four or five times through to get it all.

From a musical standpoint, this album is a real departure from her self-titled last album. It's musically more diverse, with LEMONADE featuring tracks that sound like old-school Southern rock and roll -- there's even a nod to country music. A couple of ballads will leave you gut-punched, and her new song "Sorry," will come to be known as the fight song for scorned women everywhere. 

Promise. 

Toward the end of this gorgeous project, there's a song called "Sandcastles." The title word for the that flashes before the track - the word that marks where Beyonce's heart is at this point in the story - is "Forgiveness."  And the video for this one features Jay Z and Beyonce, together, face to face, while sometimes cutting to b-roll of their wedding day, Beyonce's parents' wedding day, Jay and Blue Ivy playing together - it looks like all is mended. 

Though the visual album ends with a reconciliation, (I mean, Jay didn't film this video for his wife's new album unaware that it was entirely about him cheating, so, ya gotta figure they've worked through it), it's gonna take a little longer than 57 minutes for us all to process the fact that he cheated.

Because...WHO CHEATS ON BEYONCE? 

If you haven't watched the visual album (available on HBO), here are some teaser shots for you. Meanwhile, you can read reviews of the album here, here, and read the beautiful (and extremely powerful) spoken word poetry preceding each song here. 

All in all, it is a powerhouse of a project and one of the most humanizing things an international superstar, an untouchable celebrity, could have released. I can't wait to talk about it with any and all of you guys.