DIY: Return of the Chairs

Some of you may remember that about two months ago, I bought some chairs at an estate sale with the intention of refurbishing them. My first post, detailing the steps of my inaugural attempt at beating these chairs into submission, can be found here. 

Today, we have Part II of the tale. 

51. Ask your husband what he wants to do on this beautiful Saturday. Ignore him when he says what he wants to do is go fly fishing. 
52. Bribe him with promises of snacks and beer to help you work on your chairs with you, which have been sitting, dormant, on the porch. 
53. Quickly FaceTime your mom, who agrees that the chairs need to get finished, but mostly just because "they look so tacky sitting on your porch." 
54. Decide she's right. Make another list. Go to Lowe's. 
55. Promise to behave. Break said promise. Hide behind the ladders and jump out at a man who you think is your husband, but isn't.
56. Quickly ponder what going to jail would be like.
57. Arrive home with the supplies in tow. Lay out newspaper and realize what an undertaking this is going to be.

58. "Listen" to your husband read the instructions aloud on the back of the bottle of paint stripper. 
59. Make a whole bunch of stripper jokes and dance seductively around your porch. 
60. Listen to your husband tell you he's not helping if all you're going to do is spaz around the porch while he does the work.
61. Actually listen to him talk about how to use the paint stripper. 

62. Laugh bitterly to yourself at the phrase "WORKS THE FIRST TIME!" featured underneath the product title, as you have already tried this product without your husband and it did not, in fact, work the first time. All it did was eat your sponge brush until you were painting with a stump. 
63. Examine the photo on the front. What exactly are they trying to peel up?? Instant mashed potato flakes?? Did somebody have a house party that got out of control? 
64. Glove up so this stuff doesn't eat through your skin. 

65. Apply a thick layer of Goof Off to two chairs and wait for twenty minutes. Watch in amazement as the paint starts to bubble up. Loudly complain that it didn't do that last time. 
66. Listen to your husband tell you that's because you used a sponge brush and not a paintbrush. 
67. Know he's right, but don't tell him. 
68. After twenty minutes, start scraping the paint off. This would be a good time to realize that though this project is labor-intensive, this particular part is your OCD dream come true: 

69. Since your husband has so deftly completed this step, grab the paint scraper and go for it on your own chair. 
70. Realize with sadness that your husband is simply better at this than you are, but do not be deterred. 
71. Scrape until you want to cut both your arms off. Then go back over the spots that aren't coming off with more Goof Off. Then scrape some more. Scrape, scrape, scrape. When you think you want to die, scrape some more. 
72. Think that you are done because you've lost your will to live. 
73. Agree when your husband decides you should buff the first two chairs, then repeat the scraping process on the last two. 
74. Silently scream to yourself as he lays out clean newspaper and you get started on round two. 

75. As you start applying what seems like the fortieth round of Goof Off, look over to discover your husband has reached new levels of anal and is now scraping the tiny little crevices with dental tools. 

76. Decide your husband is pretty awesome.
77. Keep scraping. Try not to throw up when you come across a dried Band-Aid next to a single dried Golden Graham on the underside of a chair. 
78. Definitely don't think about why the Band-Aid and Golden Graham are next to each other. Put it out of your mind. And don't eat either. 
79. Wonder if you should take all the paint off, or if the distressed look is kind of cool on its own.
80. Because you're musing instead of scraping, accidentally drop some Goof Off on your thigh. 
81. Scream in horror because your "SKIN IS GONNA MELT OFF JORDAN HELP ME RIGHT NOW." 
82. Watch your husband help you while LOLing, because this stuff definitely doesn't take your skin off.
83. Ask him why he made you be so careful, then. 
84. Listen as he explains that it can be dangerous if mis-handled. 
85. Stew in silence over being treated like a 5-year-old, then remember you did actually did drop what is basically poison on yourself, so shut up and decide he was right. 
86. Conclude that the chairs are better in their "distressed" form, rather than in their original paint-less form. Once you scrape all that gunk off, of course.

87. Get distracted by an article called "Broccoli Rabe Dreams Big," which describes how vegetables have marketing directors. VEGETABLES. As in, if a vegetable is "hot" right now, the marketing people will promote it on talk shows and ask celebrities to endorse it. A VEGETABLE. I can't. 
88. Get back on track and finish the chairs. Look at your work. Decide it's pretty good. 
89. Look at your shoes. Look at all the paint you've gotten stuck to them. Realize your husband has been doing this in bare feet for this exact reason, but has failed to pass that advice along.
90. Remind yourself to thump him in the head later.
91. Step back, assess, and pat yourself on the back. Listen as your husband tells you he's proud of you for working so hard. 
92. Set the chairs back in their corner of the porch to wait until next time, when we'll be putting the foam backing on. There will be a staple gun involved. 
93. Let your mind run wild with the possibilities of how you could, and probably will, injure yourself. 
94. Reward.

DELICIOUS Cauliflower Pizza.

All the mmph with none of the ouch. 

...well, some of the ouch. There's some cheese in here. But you can adjust that to your preference! 

This pizza is a staple in my diet when I'm trying to eat relatively clean. I am a huge fan of 'za, to the point that I regularly wear this tank top to Pure Barre: 

...everything in moderation? Except pizza, which I usually eat by the pound. 

But I'm tryin' to look cute in my bikini on the 4th of July, okay? 

The grain-free crust means that I can enjoy the flavors without blowing my efforts to make healthy choices. If you're like me and are skeptical about the idea of cauliflower serving as a crust, let me assure you that cauliflower assumes the taste of whatever is around it. And what's around it in this case? Cheese. 

Ingredients::

1 cup riced cauliflower
1 1/2 cups of shredded mozzarella
1 t minced garlic
1 egg
4 T pizza sauce
1 t olive oil
2 t Italian seasoning
1 t salt

...and whatever toppings you'd like! 
 

1. Preheat the oven to 450. Rice your cauliflower if it didn't already come that way. If it's a whole head, like I bought, then chop it into florets and pulse the rest in the blender until it looks a little like cooked rice. 

2. Take one cup (a head of cauliflower usually yields two cups) and store the other cup in the freezer for next time! Dump the cauliflower into a medium bowl, then the Italian seasoning, garlic, salt, egg, and 1 cup of the cheese. The rest you'll save to sprinkle on top! Stir thoroughly.

3. On a pizza stone or round cookie sheet, spray a little non-stick and pat your mixture into a crust-shape. The thinner your "dough," the crispier your crust will be. After you've patted it flat, sprinkle the olive oil over the top and gently spread it over the top with your fingers. This will prevent the top from burning! 

4. Pop your dough into the oven for 15 minutes!
5. Once the crust is cooked, carefully spoon your pizza sauce onto the center and spread over the crust. Sprinkle the remaining 1/2 cup of cheese over the top, then whatever other toppings you'd like! 

When I sprinkled my cheese, it melted immediately. YUM.

6. Put the pizza back into the oven and broil it for 2 minutes, keeping an eye out to make sure it doesn't burn. This will soften your veggies, melt your cheese, and crisp up your crust.  

7. Bada bing, bada boom, DELICIOUS. Add a green garnish like I did, or just go for it! Best enjoyed with a local beer while watching Jurassic Park, which recently got added to Netflix.

Wedding Gifts the Bride Will Love.

...because, let's be honest, when is it ever about the groom? 

Wedding season is in full swing, and though it's always safer to choose a gift from a couple's registry, sometimes you want to do something a little extra special for a couple that's dear to you. In those cases, there are a few presents that are always welcome in any home. 

1. A cast iron skillet. 

Cast iron is one of the tried and true staples of Southern cooking. In everything from frying eggs to making biscuits and cornbread, this is a gift that will sit on the stovetop for decades to come. Really, you're giving a legacy - a lot of cast iron cookware is passed down for generations. I loved that I inherited some from my great-grandmother. Find some great options at lots of price points here. 

2. Custom gifts from a local artist. 

No, oven mitts you knit yourself do not count as "custom gifts from a local artist." I know, disappointing. 

Jordan and I live down the street from these fantastic glassblowers Lexington Glassworks. The two guys who run the shop have created some of the most stunning glassware, pitchers, lighting - you name it. We've given several of our close friends these pitchers and cocktail glasses (in the above photo) to rave reviews.

It's extra special if you shop at a local business, because that gift will be both beautiful and unique. And you never have to worry about the couple receiving more than one! Just be sure you're certain of your friend's taste, and this will be a slam dunk every time. 

3. A sweet chemise.

Every bachelorette party I've been on has had a lingerie shower included in the itinerary. It's sometimes tricky to decide on the right thing - something classic, yet sexy, but also something that won't get duplicated 50 times by all the other girls. 

Enter the chemise. 

While super-sexy lingerie certainly has its place, a chemise can be more multi-purpose. This sweet little number functions as sleepwear, lingerie, and (best of all) something the bride can throw on straight out of the shower and wear to put on her makeup. 

I received one of these for my own lingerie shower and wear it constantly while I'm getting ready. The trick is to choose something beautiful and feminine, but not too sheer or revealing - trust me, your bride friend will absolutely love it. Find the one featured above here. 

You can always go in with someone on a pair of thigh-highs, too. 

4. Gift cards to local shops. 

I know, I know, gift cards can seem really impersonal. But hear me out. 

After the wedding is over, most brides will have received a couple of registry items more than once, or will be kicking themselves because they meant to register for something and didn't. This is where gift cards can be really handy. 

Things like window treatments, throw rugs, and some kitchen appliances can be VERY expensive, and returning a duplicate gift often doesn't quite add up to fund a replacement. So while gift cards may not be a physical gift, I loved having them because we were able to pool them together and purchase curtains, throw pillows, and other household items I never thought to register for. 

If you feel funny about getting a gift card, you can always make it for a little more than you might have spent on a gift (to cover what would have been the shipping gift wrapping costs), and then enclose a card recommending that the bride use it for "whatever extras come up." She'll appreciate it - promise! 

5. High quality picture frames from Framebridge. 

I have recently become a disciple of a company called Framebridge. If you haven't heard of them, let me introduce you! 

Framebridge has taken the middle-man out of framing your photos. Instead of you lugging pictures around to expensive framers, you can use Framebridge one of two ways: 1) They'll send you a waterproof kit, you roll your photo up, send it off, and they frame it for you, or 2) You upload a photo from your computer, and they'll do the rest! 

"The rest" means mounting, finishing, and sealing the back of your frame. Their frames are gorgeous and SO reasonably priced. They send your pictures back to you framed and ready to hang - the package even includes the hardware you'll need to hang your picture! Learn more about how it works. 

After a wedding, there are always incredible photos that the couple wants to have framed. A frame kit, or a gift card to a framing service, will allow them the freedom of choosing their own frame, but on someone else's dime. This is one of the gifts I loved getting the most because it allows us to relive our wedding day every time we walk into our den! 

Happy hunting! 

In-Laws In Town!

My wonderful in-laws visited this weekend! 

I know the old trope is that in-laws are supposed to be scary, judgmental, blah blah blah - if that's true, then I hit the jackpot. I have the sweetest and most fantastic in-laws, and I love that I get to be a part of their family! 

We squeezed a lot in this weekend (we always do): eating at Pisgah Inn, checking out waterfalls in Brevard, brunching at Limone's, and a day on Curtis Creek fly fishing. 

Hope you enjoy these photos from our time together! 

5 Things: Prayers for the Stanford Case

It is very early. I'm sipping my first cup of coffee as the pink light glows through my window. Today's going to be busy - lots to see and certainly lots to do. But even in this early hour, thoughts are bouncing around in my head.

I'm not foolish enough to think that there hasn't already been enough said - and said better than I could say it - on this topic. I mean, gosh, Joe Biden wrote a beautiful response that everybody should just re-post. The women of Girls made a powerful infomercial about it.  

So in the stillness of this morning, what I've got are prayers. 

For the people at the center of news stories - the villains, the antagonists. For those whose darkest parts have bubbled to the surface; whose names will forever bring to mind a tragic story. Receive our indignation, but make us humble. Help us to wholly and loudly condemn their actions; help us to keep our stones uncast in our pockets. Close our mouths when hateful words are leaping out; keep us mindful that beneath all our floorboards lives a part of ourselves we try to keep hidden, even from You. Narrow our focus on defending those in need; soften our hearts so that we remember that we are in need of so much. Keep angry name-calling out of our words; turn that holy fire into acts of love and prayer. Make the unrepentant penitent - especially when the "unrepentant" includes us. Turn our begrudging hearts to those we don't want to look at directly, who now face the wrath of an unforgiving world. We pray for redemption, for clean hearts, for the brokenness of a world in which acts of violence (and defending those acts of violence) are simply the horrible expressions of the most confused and angriest among us. Make us unrelenting defenders of justice. We pray to the Lord. Lord, in Your mercy - 

For the victims - dragged into the spotlight with no choice in the matter. Our hearts ache. Make us not just spectators, detail-collectors, or gossips - make us people of action. Make us people who say, "I am listening. I am here." We hold these wonderful, blameless, brave, everyday people in mind - we honor their struggle and their tears; we celebrate their triumphs and their speaking out. We don't understand, but open our eyes and our ears to Your children. Help us to be wise enough to know this chapter has been written on the souls of these women, but that they are not this chapter alone. We ask that your presence be known among them, that in their waking and sleeplessness and crying and laughter alike, in their loneliness, whether they've told their stories or locked them away, that they are loved and cherished. We pray to the Lord. Lord, in Your mercy - 

For the cyclists - and the cyclists in all of us. For the Samaritans who stopped and spoke out. These are the people You've called us to be- unafraid of getting entangled with an undesirable situation, and, instead, hurling ourselves toward the center of where it hurts. Forgive us for the many opportunities we've missed, and keep our eyes wide open to see them in the future. However tiny, however huge, we know that "love" is an action verb. Cover us anew with a higher regard for our fellow man than for ourselves. Amplify the voice within each of us that whispers, "How can you help?" Make our days testaments to the love we have shown, because walking alongside You means we stop at every chance we get. Strip us of our money, our clothes, our energy, burn our wicks down for our brothers and sisters. We pray to the Lord. Lord, in your Mercy - 

For women - navigating a world that is unsafe. For women who clutch their keys while walking through a darkened parking lot, who carry a weapon on a walk around the neighborhood, who accidentally leave their pepper spray in the car and feel uneasy all night because of it. For women whose closest friends have become the source of their deepest wounds. For women who have been made to feel that their behavior or their attire was consent enough. For the complicated relationship women have with their bodies after someone has tried to lay claim on it. For the women whose stories go untold because of their color or sexual orientation, and the women whose stories aren't trusted because of their gender. We ask for light in the blackest corners of our world, so that no one has to suffer in anonymity. We pray to the Lord. Lord, in Your mercy - 

For every person who has encountered this story - stumbling across it online or hearing about it on the news. Break our hearts in despair. Sit with us as we cry in confusion. And then, in our sadness, turn our faces toward our sons. In our grief, make us teachers. Give us strong words to use. Speak through our fumbling and discomfort. Use these moments of awkwardness around the dinner table as stakes in the garden; as a strong foundation around which the lives of our children can grow and thrive. Snap us to attention so that we sing the worth of every person at every opportunity. Make "humility" and "respect" and "consent" fall out of our mouths so often that we're met with rolling teenage eyes because they've heard us say it so many times before. Make us blessedly redundant. We pray to the Lord. Lord, in Your mercy - 

Hear our prayer. 

DNR -JTI: Airplanes and Airports.

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

While traveling to Tulsa for Memorial Day weekend, I was writing this post in my head. 

Dear Person Who Isn't Listening,
I see, despite the multiple reminders from the TSA agent whose job it is to stand near the metal detector and yell this, that you've still failed to remove your laptop from its case until just before your belongings go on the conveyor belt. I'm also willing to bet that you've forgotten to take off your belt and that it's gonna beep. ...yep, there it is! You gotta go back. I want to strangle you. With your belt. So does everyone else.  DNR - JTI. 

Dear Two Small Children and Infant in the Row Behind Us,
I won't lie. I noticed your presence and cringed. I was feeling sorry for myself that I'd have to put up with your wailing screaming tantrums the whole flight. I was even thinking about buying some alcohol from the beverage cart. To my enormous surprise and delight, all three of you fell asleep immediately upon takeoff. Please accept my apologies for judging you. You (and your parents) should get an Awesome Award. DNR - JTI.

Dear Head Flight Attendendant,
I know, I'm seated on an exit row. I'm more than happy to stow my large purse underneath my own seat, since there is no seat in front of me. I do not, as you so passive aggressively put it, need to "partner with the man in front of me to clear the area." No one needs a partner. I'm good. Have a drink. DNR - JTI. 

Dear The Pilot,
I read somewhere that most plane crashes take place during takeoff or landing. You're a real gem for not blowing us up. Seriously, I can't even believe that planes are a thing. You're so good at your job. But maybe get that one flight attendant outta here. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Flying, 
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever stop dropping my jaw in total wonder over the fact that we are thousands of feet in the air, hurtling through space, sitting in a metal tube. It MELTS MY FEEBLE MIND. I love being alive. DNR - JTI. 

Dear People Collecting Your Belongings at the End of Security, 
Hi. I am very, very late for my flight. In fact, my husband and I will momentarily sprint to our gate and be two of the last four people admitted on board. I also got up at 3 AM in order to drive to the Greenville airport to get on this plane. I'm not feeling super generous. It would really help me out if, instead of standing at the end of the conveyor belt and putting your shoes back on there, you'd be a pal, scoop up all your things and take them somewhere less to re-dress yourself. I know, you're relieved they didn't notice that you packed your > 3 oz. bottle of shampoo. But just celebrate over there, okay? Thanks! DNR - JTI. 

Dear Everyone on the Plane,
Why are you shooting out of your seats when the plane lands? Do you think you're getting outta here any faster because of that? See how this whole aisle is clogged with people? Just sit on down. I don't get it. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Couple Making Out,
So we're all in that lockjam waiting to get off the plane, and you guys are hardcore making out. There are people mere inches from your heads, but that isn't stopping you. Other passengers are looking away with embarrassment, but you don't care. You're goin' for it. And now you're taking a selfie. While making out. I can't decide if I'm grossed out or impressed at your genuine and total lack of shame. I think both. Jordan and I are giggling to hard for me to tell. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Man Across the Aisle, 
Wow. You have a lot of stories. A lot of LOUD stories. A lot of loud, semi-inappropriate stories. I am turning the white noise app on my phone up and putting my earphones in. Except...I can still hear you. With the white noise turned all the way up inside my ears.  DNR - JTI. 

Dear Man Next to the Story-Telling Guy,
I saw you at baggage claim and told you that you get an award for being the most patient passenger on the flight. You smiled and agreed that that guy was loud and verbose, but then touched my arm and looked at me as if to say, "It's okay - sometimes people just need to talk," and wished me a wonderful day. Thanks for reminding me that sometimes we all just need to scream our stories at a person we'll never see again. I think you might have been Jesus. DNR - JTI.