5 Things: Wedding Planning 101

Man, my Facebook timeline has been filled with so many engagements! It's such an exciting thing. It doesn't even have to be happening to anyone I know. A mom and daughter came into the store yesterday and started talking about how their daughter/sister was getting engaged in the next few days, and I think I freaked them out with how enthusiastically I reacted to a stranger getting married. 

This would be me. 

This would be me. 

...oh well. C'est la vie. 

Anyway, I've written a more sentimental post here about the qualitative things that are important when wedding planning, but this one is a down-and-dirty details post about some things that will tangibly make your life easier. 

I remember the first couple of days after getting engaged and thinking to myself, "Oh WOW. This is a WHOLE LOT." Luckily, I had my mom, who ran a very tight ship and planned the wedding and reception of my dreams. I learned some things from her that I thought I'd share here in the hopes that anyone else who is newly engaged can take home a tip or two!

1. Prioritize. 

I've already talked about this one in this post, but it bears repeating. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. No matter what your budget is, you'll probably end up going just a teeny bit over it because of something unexpected. 

Because that is the case, you and your future spouse should sit down and decide: what's most important to you? Is it the band? The drinks? Is it the venue where you have your reception? Is a sit-down, full-service meal what you want? Are beautiful photos at the top of your list? Is your dress most important?

Whatever makes you happy - go with that. Choosing three or four things right out of the gate that you know you're willing to spend a little extra on will keep you from feeling guilty when you splurge on an open bar, for example. You'll already know that you've budgeted for that expense, so it won't keep you up at night.

2.  Spreadsheets are your friend. 

I'm a Google Docs girl, myself, but if you're an Excel person, I won't hold it against you. 

When I was getting married, I had a spreadsheet for EVERYTHING. Guest list. Gift log. Honeymoon locations. Party invitation lists. 

There are too many details swimming around in your brain ("Did we confirm the florist?" "Did that last bridesmaid order her dress yet?" "Why has my hair suddenly turned grey?") for you to keep track of the little things on your To Do list, or to whom you've sent a thank you note. 

(The other great part about keeping an address spreadsheet is that you now have that address forever! I keep our guest book address log on my desktop and use it as my little address book anytime I need to mail something.) 

Here's a little sample of what I used as my gift log - it's certainly not rocket science, but I used it religiously.

3. Hire a day-of coordinator. 

As I mentioned, my mom and I were at the helm of my wedding and reception, but that doesn't mean we did it by ourselves. There were so many generous, kind, thoughtful people who helped us get that ship in the water. 

We didn't use a wedding planner, but we did use a day-of coordinator at the venue where we had our reception. This is something I can't recommend enough. If you're planning your wedding with a family member (your mom, sister, etc.), having someone else on the ground to handle those last-minute details is incredibly freeing. Because we used one, my mom was able to sit back and fully enjoy her only daughter getting married, and I as the bride was blissfully unaware of the couple of logistical hiccups that occurred that day (as they inevitably will). Neither of us was concerned about anything except the pure joy of the wedding.

When you select this person, you'll want to sit down with them and go painstakingly through each tiny detail of your day. Examples of things no one thinks about that your coordinator can/should take over: 

  1. How is the couple getting from the wedding venue to the reception (if they're in different places)? 
  2. Will the couple eat before or during the reception? Where will they eat? How long will that take? Will photos be taken? 
  3. How will the wedding party get from place to place? 
  4. Who will be responsible for getting the bride's belongings from the church? 
  5. When will you pay people associated with the wedding (minister, musicians, etc.)? 
  6. Who will stick around and gather up all the family heirlooms (vintage champagne glasses, tablecloths) from the reception venue? 
  7. Who will be responsible for getting the bride's wedding gown from the hotel room if the bride and groom are leaving for their honeymoon straight away? 

Thinking through every single piece of your day gives your coordinator ALL the information he or she will need to keep you and your family members out of the fray. It's an invaluable investment to know that someone else has got everything handled! 

4. Write thank you notes as you go. 

I know, I sound like your grandmother. I know. 

Here's the thing, though: if you don't write them as you go, you're going to end up with a pile of dozens and dozens AND DOZENS of notes to write when you get back from your honeymoon. I promise this will not be a fun task.

I can also promise that your husband, though his intentions may be great, will only write two or three and then decide that it's best that you handle it from here on out. 

Mmhmm. Lookin' at you, Jordan. 

The ONLY note that Jordan wrote. 

The ONLY note that Jordan wrote. 

When I got a gift, I immediately put it into that log featured above, then (in almost every case) IMMEDIATELY sat down and wrote the thank you note. It was so, so much better and easier on me to complete that step as gifts arrived than to put it off and have to do it later. 

It also keeps you grateful. If you wait to do them all at once, it starts to be a pain, and your notes will probably reflect that you're zipping through them and trying to get them done. People went to the Post Office (or the Internet) and sent you a present! How fun and wonderful is that?? Sending a note is just another way to remind yourself what a wonderful season of your life this is. 

5. Backwards plan. 

This is a lesson that all educators know very well. 

When you're getting married, things are often on a pretty tight timeline. You have to buy your dress with enough time to get it altered. You have to book your band or DJ, photography, and florist quickly so that they don't get scooped up by another bride. 

The easiest way to keep track of all that stuff is to backwards plan it. 

Example:

Let's say that you're sending save-the-dates out on September 1. It'll take you a couple of days to address envelopes/mail them. So now we're at August 28th. It'll take the printer two weeks to get the cards finished, so now we're at August 14th. You'll want a couple of days to design them - August 12th. So, if you're taking pictures to be featured on the card itself, those need to be edited and in the can by the 10th, which means they need to be taken by the 8th at the very latest.

You get the picture. 

If you keep a calendar of all the dates by which certain tasks need to get accomplished, you'll never find yourself screaming in your sleep about needing more time to book a caterer. 

This is a boring, tedious, and not very fun thing, but holy COW it saves you some brain space and some years off your life that will be eaten by stress if you decide to just wing it. theknot.com has a GREAT wedding checklist that will help you start this process - here's a snapshot of my checklist from their website for the month of February (I got engaged in January, married in August): 

 

Okay, friends. Hope everyone has a beautiful weekend - can't wait to talk to you Monday (but especially Tuesday, where we get to see if JoJo is going to make the wrong decision or the wrong decision. Get it? 'Cause there's no right choice.) 

Love! 

 

Gilmore Gab: We Have a Trailer.

Oh my goodness. 

Like many Gilmore Girls fans out there, I have been freaking out and watching all of the things in anticipation for this new series to be released. 

"What are 'the things?'" you might ask. 

Well, I watched this hour and 45 minute long panel with the entire cast at the ATX festival, and this great interview on the Today Show a few months back. It's just really good goodness. 

So, suffice it to say that I have been amped for many moons. Word to the wise, that ATX festival interview basically serves as a podcast if you put headphones in and clean your house while listening. Just sayin'. 

So yesterday, when it was announced that the series returns on NOVEMBER 25, meaning I'm basically going to spend my Thanksgiving holiday unapologetically huddled in front of the computer, I was real pumped.

AND THEN THE TRAILER CAME OUT. 

Oh my gosh. 

Can we just analyze? 

First of all, I don't know about y'all, but with those first few guitar strums in the intro, I was COVERED in goosebumps. 

We get to see so many places! 

Luke's! It's still there!

The Dragonfly! (Where Melissa McCarthy better damn well be or so help me God...)

Precious lil' Stars Hollow in the fall! 

Then, the money shot: 

I mean, get out of here. It's so perfect. It hasn't changed a bit. Now all I want to do is go put twinkle lights outside my house. 

AND THEN WE GET TO SEE OUR GIRLS. 

Let's just run through a quick list of observations, shall we? 

  • Coffee. Still. Always. 

  • They're eating Pop Tarts. Still. Always. 

  • The house looks pretty much the same! Rory's Yale pennant can even be seen hanging on her bedroom mirror. 

  • Neither actress appears to have had any major work done to their faces. You laugh, but nothing spoils a reunion like bad plastic surgery. 

  • Lorelai is wearing a Rachel Antonoff "I'm with Human" sweatshirt, but it's conveniently also nearly the same slogan as our Democratic presidential nominee. Including the arrow underneath the words, which mimics the arrow in Hillary's logo. Just sayin'. 

  • They're reading papers - actual newspapers - but have an iPhone on the table. This suggests to me that Stars Hollow is exactly where we left it, but Rory, who most likely doesn't live at home, has a foot in the tech-savvy world (as she always has).

  • NEITHER WOMAN IS WEARING A RING. This is a big one. No engagement or wedding bands on any hands. Does this mean that we get to see Luke and Lorelai get married?!?! Or does this mean they aren't together. What. Oh man. 

  • They're talking about current celebrities who they would, of course, love - Amy Schumer and John Oliver. Hearing Lauren Graham say the names of modern-day celebs really made me so excited. So the reboot is set in real time, not in some other period in the last ten years.

  • And everything else is pretty much a mystery. 

So here are the fun questions we still get to have answered: 

  • What does Rory do for a living? 

  • Is either woman in a relationship? And, if so, who's the guy? 

  • How is Emily faring without Richard? 

  • What are Lane and Zack (and the twins) up to? 

  • Where does Rory live? Surely not too far away from SH. 

  • Kirk? Taylor? Miss Patty? Babette? I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER HOLY WOW. 

I am a huge TV girl - I feel like these people are my friends. It's been so hard to watch beloved series come to an end: Breaking Bad, Mad Men, LOST, The Office, etc.; to have something as tender and precious as Gilmore Girls resurrected is pretty close to unbeatable. And to have it in the hands of the creator, Amy Sherman-Palladino (who was famously not part of the final season of the show) makes it that much better. We're back to our roots. 

In other words, 

Let's get ready to GILMORE. 

The Men Tell All.

Okay, people. I'm gonna recap this on the condition that I'll be using fewer screengrabs, because the screengrabs part of those recaps takes me about two hours to compile, and, frankly, these stooges are not worth it. 

But I did watch. And I am gonna snark all over them. 

 

  • HOW many times are we gonna have to hear Chad's whistle from the 2x1 looped over itself. Oy. 
  • Chad is so pitiful - he started out being awesome because he was kind of anti-establishment in a fun way, but now he's sold out to The Man and will do literally whatever will make him more famous. 
  • Case in point: he's eating a sweet potato in his trailer. Because he wants ATTENTION. 
  • Oh man Bachelor in Paradise preview DID I JUST SEE JUBILEE IN BED WITH EVAN 
  • TELL ME I DIDN'T
  • TELL
    ME
    I DIDN'T
  • NICK VIALL YOU KEEP YOUR DAMN DIRTY HANDS OFF OF SWEET SINGLE MOM AMANDA

 

  • Oh man I really hope Evan gets punched out by Chad. I wanna see him just get knocked the hell out and hospitalized. Not killed, mind you, just taken out for a while so he can think about his life and his choices. 
  • CAILA IS ON THIS SHOW?!? CAILA I THOUGHT MORE OF YOU DAMN IT 
  • That preview made me feel the way I feel after my birthday party is over. Sad and alone. It premieres on my anniversary. I mean, come on. Thank you, universe.


THE GUYS: 

  • Brandon got a haircut. 
  • OH, SAINT NICK. That's why that guy dressed up like Santa. I just got that. Wow. Blonde moment. 
  • Jonathan put on a little weight. 
  • Vinny got Jordan/Luke/Chase/Robby's haircut. Remember, he used to have those straight-across bangs? 
  • Not wanting to ever be left out of anything, Evan, in his failed attempts to be cool, also got that haircut: 
  • So did James Taylor, who was teetering on the edge of having that cut anyway.
  • No surprise that Snake's applause breaks the applause-o-meter. 
  • All the other guys are looking at each other like, "Great. SO glad Chad is getting this much attention. Fantastic." 
  • We're treated to this extremely pornographic montage of JoJo, who Evan calls, "The best Bachelorette there's ever been." I think he said that because he saw boobs for the first time. Oh, Evan. I remember my first beer. 
  • Then we get into trying to psychoanalyze the behavior of all these guys, as though that's a) interesting, or b) possible. 
  • Lil' Tyke Alex is first up in the shrink's chair. 
  • Dr. Wells actually offers up a pretty solid theory that because Alex was raised in combat, he looks for conflict. Surprising depth there, Wells. Would've liked to have seen you as the next Bachelor, but I saw you on that Paradise preview and it looks like you're in it for the nookie. 
  • Snake is not having the fact that military guys are being portrayed as loose canons. 
  • He didn't even have to get mean. Just tellin' it like it is. That's my Snake right there. Love that guy. 
  • Just noticed that homeboy is still in his kilt. 
  • John Krasinski is not coming off great in this episode. He's kind of whiney and lame. 
  • Honestly, THAT is how pitiful this season is. They're making an entire show out of Chad, a villain for like 5 episodes, because JoJo is so deeply uninteresting and unsympathetic. 
  • Thanks for your thoughts, Evan, but I'm gonna have to stop you right there because NOBODY CARES. 
  • I'm tempted to just bail on this entire recap because of how ridiculous this ALREADY is re: all things Chad. This show doesn't deserve my viewership. 
  • But I can't help myself. I want to know what happens. 
  • This line will go down for me as one of the greatest in Bachelor history: 
  • And this one: 
  • The thing is, Chad could HANDILY kick the asses of everyone here. He is a monster. Super tall and absolutely HUGE. 
  • His cheek line on his beard is up to his eyeballs. It's so high! How did I not notice that??  Also has the weirdest beard line ever. 
  • A security guard?. Come on. 
  • So, what, he dug up secrets on every single person here so they can't respond to them? 
  • Chris Harrison basically just asked Chad if he's slept with Robby and Grant's girlfriends. This is where are, people. This is where we are. 
  • Now Saint Nick wants to fight Chad? That's how he's gonna get his 15 minutes? 
  • In the most epic screen grab of all time, I accidentally captured Evan checking out Nick's ass. Proving ONCE AND FOR ALL that Evan is gayer than Peter Pan.
  • The Canadian delivers the best line of the night and puts us all on blast: 
  • So what now? Is that guy gonna just stand there throughout the entire commercial break??? What is this, a duel? 
  • Okay yes, apparently he did in fact stand there through the commercial. So ridiculous. And then just kind of anti-climactically went back to his seat. 
  • Chad is really just not entertaining any of this stuff - he doesn't care about being a part of this conversation in a genuine way, which is amazing. 
  • He's just trolling everyone. 
  • Trying to get a rise out of them. And it's working.  John Krasinski is talking to him about something normal and this was his response: 
  • Also we're learning some interesting information about Jordan - that he 1) has a sportscasting job and is 2) "only in it for the fame." Which I TOTALLY believe because I do not like Jordan. 
  • I've never been in a scenario where I don't like anyone in the finale, including the Bachelor/Bachelorette, until this season. Like I genuinely don't care who wins. 
  • Chad keeps trolling everyone to my delight.
  • Then. We have to. Listen. To Evan. UGH. 
  • The audience apparently is the new jury for what happened on this season. As in, Harrison is legit asking the people what their opinions are about everything. 
  • Evan, your fate has been decided, you little tiny squirrely greasy Keebler Elf: 
  • Blah blah blah Chad keeps getting talked about, I'm bored, let's move on. 

SNAKE AND CHASE'S TURN. 

  • Poor Snake. This montage of their relationship is brutal. 
Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.40.37 AM.png
Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.41.13 AM.png

Then we move on to Chase's sad story: 

Let's hear from JOJE:

  • What kind of person is she?? She just admitted that she sent Snake home because he didn't literally say the words, "I love you," in that order. I mean, come on. You're a monster. 
  • Then it's Chase's turn to hear why this lil' Candy Corn broke his heart: 
  • And she basically said that she still doesn't know if she made a mistake sending him home. So that'll make a guy feel great. 
  • Both these guys were so sweet and handled the breakup with such dignity. Both thanked her for what she'd taught them. I mean, it doesn't get a lot better than that. 
  • Then Chad tries to turn the attention back toward him by firing shots at Robby and Jordan to JoJo herself, which she doesn't entertain because she knows Chad is not #herefortherightreasons. 
  • Then Donatella Versace showed up. Oh -- wait, no. That's Vinny's mom. 
  • Good deal. 
  • Then we have a blooper reel. 
  • People. This reunion was full of Chad being an idiot and the other guys being so decent that they aren't even interesting. UGH COME ON. 
  • Harrison's GOT JOKES!!! He knows how stupid the phrase "amazing journey" is - I love this: 
Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.58.15 AM.png
  • Okay so the show's over - we need to talk about JoJo's family. 
  • Y'all, when these guys meet HER family, they're going to start doubting their relationship with her. Trust. 
  • They thought THEIR families were the hurdle. HAHAHAHAHA good joke. The Fletchers are...a special bunch. 
  • Good luck, buttercups. You're gonna need it. 

Slash it looks like she's gonna pick Robby. I feel like his beard is the beard in theis shot where she says "I love you." 

See you next week on the 

DRAMATIC
SEASON
FINALE. 

Sex Island.

THE MEN TELL ALL. 

WAIT - this is Sex Island AKA Fantasy Suites?? 

HOW did I not know this was coming? Oh man, it's gonna be a good night. 

Okay wow I forgot about how dramatic this last episode was. Let me just say what we've all been thinking: JoJo has a set of priorities (hot, good kisser, hot, tall, good body, hot) and she's not really worried about long-term traits like "smart" or "decent." 

All that to say, I hope she doesn't pick Snake. I want Snake to escape this show. He's too good for it. And honestly, they never use the fourth-runner-up as The Bachelor, which would mean that if she doesn't move him forward tonight, he'd for SURE escape with his life. Unless Chris Harrison decides to pull a fast one and make him Bachelor. But it's still really going to bother me if she cuts him just because it will reflect her consistently bad judgment. RUN SNAKE RUN!! 

Okay. Let's see what happens: 

PART LEFTOVER: Last Week's Rose Ceremony: 

  • The fact that he had to go back and make sure he said, "I love you," specifically...I'll just never get over it. As though the gesture at his hometown wasn't enough. 
  • Wonder who's going to be in the bottom? I think Chase and Luke, then she'll pick Chase. Because I'm starting to learn that she will do the exact opposite of what I'd do. 
  • Is anyone else just 1,000% confused about why Robby is still here?? He has the features of an old woman. 
  • She picked Chase. 
  • UNBELIEVABLE. 
  • Unbelievable. 
  • I know I called it, but I still can't believe it.
  • Not that I was carrying around loads of respect for her anyway, but this choice was the most unintelligent one I've ever seen made in the history of this show. That's right, THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW. Luke is the clear front-runner and why she let him go is TOTALLY BEYOND ME. 
  • This sealed the deal that Jordan is winning. It's so boring now. 
  • Newsflash: if you're crying this hard, it might mean something about YOU MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE. 
  • Good for you, Luke. Get out of there. Don't let her sit there and try to justify this. 
  • STOP HUGGING HIM, YOU JUST DUMPED HIM.
  • YOU ARE THE WORST.
  • SHE NEVER COMMUNICATED THAT THIS WAS A PROBLEM. 
  • She broke up with him because he didn't communicate to her and she NEVER communicated to him that he wasn't communicating. GET IT?? 
  • Of course you did, honey. Because that's how normal people work. 
  • Damn this is brutal. 
  • This is a total bitch move. This is something that I really have a problem with. If you're breaking up with someone, don't sit around and cry and try to get them to make YOU feel better about it. Say what you need to say and leave them their dignity. 
  • Cool story, JoJo. 
  • Jordan (my husband, not Rodgers): "This whole 'sobbing in the airplane hangar' scene is really gonna make these other guys feel great." 
  • Seriously any woman who would pick Robby over Luke (using his real name here)...I can't. 
  • Also this is what you're missing, JoJo, you unbelievable moron. That's right. Snake is also a country singer. 

PART I - Robby. Ugh.

  • - Literally any guy on this show could have said that exact quote and it would've been applicable. 
  • Robby's thirstiness trying to get JoJo to say, "I love you" to him is really desperate. He's coming on WAY too strong. 
  • Stop calling her "Joelle" like you're special. 
  • Robby, your perception of yourself is:
  • And really you're:
  • You've noticed that the other two guys have your exact haircut, right? Not like a similar haircut. YOUR EXACT HAIRCUT. 
  • You're one in a carousel of dudes she's hardcore making out with, stop feeling good about the relationship.
  • "Wow, Mary Catherine, tell us how you really feel!" Yeah I haven't even BEGUN. 
  • Can I also just say, at the risk of sounding sexist, that I've never seen any Bachelor or Bachelorette make out with the contestants as hardcore as JoJo has?? SO much tongue. SO much hand-action. 
  • She's so freaked out that he's telling her he loves her so many times. She's trying to basically say, "This is so weird," but just with her eyes. 
  • Your dad snuck a note into the pocket of your jeans???? 
  • That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard. 
  • That entails a dad sneakily slipping a sheet of paper into his adult son's BACK POCKET so stealthily that the son has no idea. 
  • Oh, Jordan (husband not Rodgers) said maybe Robby wasn't wearing the jeans at the time and his dad just tucked the note into his suitcase.
  • ...oh. 
  • Well that changes things. 
  • Anyway regardless, let's just all agree that that note was not written by Robby's dad.
  • Robby wrote that letter himself. Or a producer did.  
  • Can we also talk about that if a person is the Bachelor or Bachelorette, and they appear on a season as a contestant, then star on the next season, there are four people that we KNOW they've slept with? 
  • #america
  • This is everything we need to know about why Robby is still here: because he has been vocal (to the point of being redundant and/or extremely creepy) about his feelings for her. She knows he's a sure thing. 
  • "I AM IN LOVE WITH ROBBY?!?!?!" 
  • Okay girl. Listen. I'm gonna tell it to you straight: If you picked Robby over Luke to take to Sex Island, you need to get yourself checked out. By someone with a medical degree. 
  • Of course it's "easy to imagine waking up to Robby" when you're in a resort hotel with room service. Know what happens when you're married? You start out being a great wife and getting up at 5 to make your husband's breakfast and then turn into a deadbeat who sleeps in. Sorry from me, Jordan Scott. Sorry from JoJo, winner of this show Jordan Rodgers. 
  • I feel like a youth minister saying this, but the reason she has strong feelings for all these guys is just because she wants to bang them. Girlfriend is #inlust right now. 
  • Also, no shade, Thailand, but this fantasy suite isn't very fantasy-esque. 

PART II - Jordan.

  • Yep, that's exactly what I wear on a hike. 
  • Could they not have told Jordan to wear a most substantial hiking shoe than knockoff Toms? 
  • Fun fact: whenever people say "journey" on this show, that's because the producers have asked them to replace the word "show" with "journey." 
  • If she kisses that guy in this temple, or if they make it some kind of montage about how badly they want to kiss each other, but can't, I'm going to stab my couch. 
  • "Meeting my family was the last box to check. Because my family is the one that matters. Because I'm Jordan Rodgers. Oh, right, you have a family, too -- sorry." 
  • The common thread in all of the guys who are left is that they are very full of themselves. Oh, and that they have exactly the same haircut. 
  • Honestly she should sleep with these guys immediately upon seeing them for the date, then spend the rest of the time talking. It's like she can't function properly when there's sexual tension. Get rid of it and move on. 
  • "The biggest moment is talking to the dad." - A guy who has clearly never proposed or talked about proposing. 'Cause I think most men would agree that the biggest moment is WHEN YOU PROPOSE.
  • Sorry, what does Jordan do for a living? He's not a QB anymore, so why is his travel schedule a problem? What does he do, sell vacuum cleaners on the road? 
  • This is how I know she's not really that serious about Robby - when Robby keeps telling her he loves her, she just says thank you and grins. With Jordan, she presses him. Robby is just a safety choice.
  • Is anyone else asleep at this point? 
  • Serious question: do you think the reason they don't have these guys living together from here forward is because they don't tell the guys what order they're going in? Like, I bet these guys wouldn't agree to being "second" or "third" on the sex list. 
  • Is it too far to say that she is the worst Bachelorette in recent history? I'm just SO uninvested in her happiness and think her judgment is about as rock solid as this election cycle. That is to say it is NOT SOLID AT ALL. 
  • Wait. 
  • I'm sorry.
  • ...haven't we heard her say this EXACT line already? 
  • And this EXACT scene?!?! 
  • Allow me to deliver a side-by-side play-by-play: 
  • THIS IS THE SAME FREAKING SETUP FOR BOTH DATES. Did they think we wouldn't notice?? Oh, we noticed. We NOTICED. 
  • Is it obvious yet how little ABC cares about this season? Because if it isn't, it should be. 
  • I quit. 

PART III - Chase.

  • That's because it's not possible. Loving three people at once is not a thing. 
  • Also whatcha wearin', Joje? 
  • Honest to God can't believe the haircuts. It really is just comedy gold. 
  • Yeah I bet those Thai fisherman loved these two white assholes showing up and kissing their fish.
  • #disrespectful
  • I'm also like not even being shy about my dislike for her at this point. 
  • Monkeys and fishermen, saltwater and fish. 
  • He's got a cute little charm going on this episode. I have also NEVER heard him talk this much. Was he part mute before hometowns?? 
  • She does a lot of hair-grabbing in her makeouts. Maybe that's what I think is so pornographic about her. 
  • I can't believe I'm saying this, but Chase, the most boring guy here, is my new favorite. 
  • Then this weirdo shit happens. 
  • "I came by to visit and just check in with you before you do this other guy." 
  • Robby officially just ventured into stalker territory. It just happened. I watched. So did you. It's a subtle change, people, but watch her face: 
  • She is just not feelin' it. 
  • "Country clubs and coloring books." Oh good GRIEF this guy is so cheesy. *chanting* Throw him back! Throw him back! 
  • "I love Jordan and I love Robby and I can see myself falling in love with Chase." 
  • ...do you think she knows that "love" and "boinked" mean different things? 
  • That's called "oxytocin." That's science, Joelle. Not "chemistry."
  • Wait, she's not wearing that black dress to dinner? So she went back to her room and changed from her bikini, then into that black dress with a totally different hairstyle, then into her date outfit with hair down? So was not surprised at all that Robby was coming over. That was all planned. Okay. Got it. 
  • I just really like Chase now. Why? That probably means he's going home. 
  • Another guy who is too good for this show. Who knew? Who knew Robby was a curveball? 
  • KNEW IT KNEW IT
  • SHE'S GONNA DUMP HIM
  • Because she is brainless
  • Because she is awful
  • She is going to keep the TWO WORST GUYS HERE
  • Unreal. 
  • It's amazing, like a machine - she sends home the classy, smart, stand-up guys and keeps the egomaniacal, slimy, simpletons. 
  • This is the THIRD time someone has said, "I love you," and she's IMMEDIATELY dumped them. Lil' Tyke Alex, Snake, and now Chase. Each time she's claiming that when they said those words, she didn't feel what she should.

    You know what? One time, someone offered me a raw oyster. And I politely declined, because I don't have to eat that slimy, boogery shit to know I'M NOT GONNA LIKE IT. I didn't eat it, chew it up, then vomit it back onto the offerer. Similarly, JoJo, you shouldn't have to hear them tell you they love you to imagine that you probably don't reciprocate those feelings. 
  • This poor guy has all these daddy issues and is all blocked up and he finally opens up and you SLAUGHTER him. 
  • TELL 'ER, CHASE!! 
  • GOOD FOR YOU!
  • LAY IT OUT!!  
  • I'm so glad she's getting it handed to her right now - she deserves this. This is unreasonable behavior from her. 
  • Please stop crying, JoJo. I'm so over you. I'm speaking for America. We, collectively, are over you. 

ARE
YOU
KIDDING
ME

  • She literally just told him that if she'd met him without knowing that there was something better out there, she could've been really happy settling for him. 
  • She's done this twice THIS episode - delivered the boom, then made the guys comfort her.
  • Y'all, is anyone else as riled up as I am? 
  • He tried to stand up and say goodbye to her but she kept standing there sobbing so he had to walk away. 
  • The more she talks, the worse it gets. It's like trying to explain why it stinks in a room. Stop saying you didn't toot. You tooted. The more you say it smells like a toot, the worse this gets for you. 
  • Chase does something I haven't seen any other guy do: opens a beer and starts getting wasted. And I got nothin' but respect for ya, buddy. 

PART IV: Rose ceremony.

  • Why are all of Jordan's clothes way too tight? Look at those pants. Too short and too tight. 
  • Chase shows up, which I hate, because I really wanted the last shot of him to be him getting drunk in the van on the way home. 
  • ALL I WANT in this life is a picture of these three guys, in the same color shirt, roughly the same height, with exactly the same haircut, all standing right next to each other. Please, ABC. Give it to me. 
  • Once again, we get proof that she's trashing a lot of really quality guys. What kind of guy comes back to say that he's sorry for the way he acted when he was ruthlessly dumped on national TV? 
  • Class. Freakin'. Act. 
  • Well according to you, it's because you didn't have sex with him. Because those things are equivalent in your mind. 
  • Somebody get this girl a Pedialyte. She's got to be so dehydrated from crying for two straight hours. 
  • IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME HAIR, PEOPLE. I don't care if I'm repeating myself. They're repeating THEMselves. 
  • Blah blah everyone gets a rose. I couldn't be rolling my eyes harder. 
  • Best part about this entire episode was that monkey montage at the end. 
  • Here's a GIF of Pizza Rat to cleanse our palettes. Because we deserve it.  

Monkeys and fisherman, saltwater and fish. 

See you next week, if I don't stab out my eyes before then.