Do Not Respond - Just Take It.

First of all, thanks to the blogging community for being patient over the last couple of days with my deatbeat-ness. Sometimes, you run up against a week that just owns you, and this was one of them. However, I haven't run out of opinions, of course. 

Let's talk about some things. (As usual, credit for this concept goes to the hilarious Mollie Erickson).

Dear Instagram,
Hi. I see that you have upgraded your situation to now feature "stories." I feel like there was already a social media service doing that. Instagram, you are stressing me out. Do you know how much pressure we all already feel to keep up with everyone's Snap stories, Instagram photos, Facebook feeds, and Tweets? Have you ANY IDEA how much of my day is spent speed-scrolling through these various mediums, barely even enjoying it, but doing it to make sure I've seen every single picture? You're making this REALLY complicated, Instagram. I haven't used your new feature yet. I'm mad at you for adding it. But I'm also scared I'm gonna like it and I can't deal with another "thing" to pay attention to. Tell your other social media platform friends to CHILL OUT because this is TOO FREAKIN' MUCH. Sincerely, An Addict. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Presidential Election Cycle,
Are you over yet? I am so, so tired of you. If I'm using my "feeling words," you make me sad and mad. Please hurry up. Goodbye. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Retail Customers,
I know you think you are being helpful by putting your own selections back on the racks after you've tried them on, and I appreciate the sentiment. What you're actually doing is creating a game of "needle in a haystack," in which retail employees must dig through the piles to find and correctly re-hang the item you've replaced. It's a lot. Just put those thangs on the "rejects" table and don't feel a darn bit bad about it. DNR - JTI. 

Dear President Obama, 
This morning I scrolled through an article about how much you love kids. It made me really happy. This isn't the first time I've gotten nostalgic about you lately - in the midst of all this turmoil and insanity, I am reeeeeeeeeeeeeally going to miss having a President who is such a dynamic public speaker and a charming personality. However people feel about your time in office, one thing that's hard to deny is how charismatic and awesome you are. One of my friends referred to you as "Season 8 Obama," implying that you have turned on an extra special level of frankness and swagger in this final chapter of your administration. I agree. I love you. I'm going to miss you so much. DNR - JTI. (But respond if you want, sir - I'm not trying to tell you what to do.) 

Dear Produce,
Please stay fresh for longer than a week. I know, I am  a complete lame-o and should've already cooked with you. But sometimes I'm tired and I just want to eat cereal for dinner. Is there a spell I can cast to make you stay fresh forever? Let me know. Especially you, brussels sprouts. You're stinkin' up my fridge. DNR - JTI.

Dear Chad from The Bachelorette,
Go ahead and be The Bachelor already. I feel it coming. I know it's gonna happen. I just KNOW IT. Don't get me wrong, I don't want it to happen. I want Luke to be The Bachelor (although I also simultaneously don't, because I want him to run far away from this franchise because he's #toogooforthisshow). But I feel like that rat Chris Harrison is going to do it. You are ratings gold, though I'm growing weary of the "is he or isn't he" game. Let's cut to the chase, Harrison. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Self Tanner, 
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY BACK???? How. How. Somebody explain this to me. Because right now, I have two big stripes on my shouler blades because MY HANDS CAN'T REACH THAT FAR. I guess I could just not use it, but then I'd also not be able to go outside because my lily white skin would scorch people's retinas and I'd be responsible for hospital bills. We can give people face transplants - we should have the technology to evenly apply tanning foam to a person's back. DNR - JTI. (Actually, please respond because this is so annoying.) 

Dear Weekend, 
Hello. I love you. Let's hold hands. Never leave me. DNR - JTI. 

 

5 Things: Wedding Planning 101

Man, my Facebook timeline has been filled with so many engagements! It's such an exciting thing. It doesn't even have to be happening to anyone I know. A mom and daughter came into the store yesterday and started talking about how their daughter/sister was getting engaged in the next few days, and I think I freaked them out with how enthusiastically I reacted to a stranger getting married. 

This would be me. 

This would be me. 

...oh well. C'est la vie. 

Anyway, I've written a more sentimental post here about the qualitative things that are important when wedding planning, but this one is a down-and-dirty details post about some things that will tangibly make your life easier. 

I remember the first couple of days after getting engaged and thinking to myself, "Oh WOW. This is a WHOLE LOT." Luckily, I had my mom, who ran a very tight ship and planned the wedding and reception of my dreams. I learned some things from her that I thought I'd share here in the hopes that anyone else who is newly engaged can take home a tip or two!

1. Prioritize. 

I've already talked about this one in this post, but it bears repeating. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. No matter what your budget is, you'll probably end up going just a teeny bit over it because of something unexpected. 

Because that is the case, you and your future spouse should sit down and decide: what's most important to you? Is it the band? The drinks? Is it the venue where you have your reception? Is a sit-down, full-service meal what you want? Are beautiful photos at the top of your list? Is your dress most important?

Whatever makes you happy - go with that. Choosing three or four things right out of the gate that you know you're willing to spend a little extra on will keep you from feeling guilty when you splurge on an open bar, for example. You'll already know that you've budgeted for that expense, so it won't keep you up at night.

2.  Spreadsheets are your friend. 

I'm a Google Docs girl, myself, but if you're an Excel person, I won't hold it against you. 

When I was getting married, I had a spreadsheet for EVERYTHING. Guest list. Gift log. Honeymoon locations. Party invitation lists. 

There are too many details swimming around in your brain ("Did we confirm the florist?" "Did that last bridesmaid order her dress yet?" "Why has my hair suddenly turned grey?") for you to keep track of the little things on your To Do list, or to whom you've sent a thank you note. 

(The other great part about keeping an address spreadsheet is that you now have that address forever! I keep our guest book address log on my desktop and use it as my little address book anytime I need to mail something.) 

Here's a little sample of what I used as my gift log - it's certainly not rocket science, but I used it religiously.

3. Hire a day-of coordinator. 

As I mentioned, my mom and I were at the helm of my wedding and reception, but that doesn't mean we did it by ourselves. There were so many generous, kind, thoughtful people who helped us get that ship in the water. 

We didn't use a wedding planner, but we did use a day-of coordinator at the venue where we had our reception. This is something I can't recommend enough. If you're planning your wedding with a family member (your mom, sister, etc.), having someone else on the ground to handle those last-minute details is incredibly freeing. Because we used one, my mom was able to sit back and fully enjoy her only daughter getting married, and I as the bride was blissfully unaware of the couple of logistical hiccups that occurred that day (as they inevitably will). Neither of us was concerned about anything except the pure joy of the wedding.

When you select this person, you'll want to sit down with them and go painstakingly through each tiny detail of your day. Examples of things no one thinks about that your coordinator can/should take over: 

  1. How is the couple getting from the wedding venue to the reception (if they're in different places)? 
  2. Will the couple eat before or during the reception? Where will they eat? How long will that take? Will photos be taken? 
  3. How will the wedding party get from place to place? 
  4. Who will be responsible for getting the bride's belongings from the church? 
  5. When will you pay people associated with the wedding (minister, musicians, etc.)? 
  6. Who will stick around and gather up all the family heirlooms (vintage champagne glasses, tablecloths) from the reception venue? 
  7. Who will be responsible for getting the bride's wedding gown from the hotel room if the bride and groom are leaving for their honeymoon straight away? 

Thinking through every single piece of your day gives your coordinator ALL the information he or she will need to keep you and your family members out of the fray. It's an invaluable investment to know that someone else has got everything handled! 

4. Write thank you notes as you go. 

I know, I sound like your grandmother. I know. 

Here's the thing, though: if you don't write them as you go, you're going to end up with a pile of dozens and dozens AND DOZENS of notes to write when you get back from your honeymoon. I promise this will not be a fun task.

I can also promise that your husband, though his intentions may be great, will only write two or three and then decide that it's best that you handle it from here on out. 

Mmhmm. Lookin' at you, Jordan. 

The ONLY note that Jordan wrote. 

The ONLY note that Jordan wrote. 

When I got a gift, I immediately put it into that log featured above, then (in almost every case) IMMEDIATELY sat down and wrote the thank you note. It was so, so much better and easier on me to complete that step as gifts arrived than to put it off and have to do it later. 

It also keeps you grateful. If you wait to do them all at once, it starts to be a pain, and your notes will probably reflect that you're zipping through them and trying to get them done. People went to the Post Office (or the Internet) and sent you a present! How fun and wonderful is that?? Sending a note is just another way to remind yourself what a wonderful season of your life this is. 

5. Backwards plan. 

This is a lesson that all educators know very well. 

When you're getting married, things are often on a pretty tight timeline. You have to buy your dress with enough time to get it altered. You have to book your band or DJ, photography, and florist quickly so that they don't get scooped up by another bride. 

The easiest way to keep track of all that stuff is to backwards plan it. 

Example:

Let's say that you're sending save-the-dates out on September 1. It'll take you a couple of days to address envelopes/mail them. So now we're at August 28th. It'll take the printer two weeks to get the cards finished, so now we're at August 14th. You'll want a couple of days to design them - August 12th. So, if you're taking pictures to be featured on the card itself, those need to be edited and in the can by the 10th, which means they need to be taken by the 8th at the very latest.

You get the picture. 

If you keep a calendar of all the dates by which certain tasks need to get accomplished, you'll never find yourself screaming in your sleep about needing more time to book a caterer. 

This is a boring, tedious, and not very fun thing, but holy COW it saves you some brain space and some years off your life that will be eaten by stress if you decide to just wing it. theknot.com has a GREAT wedding checklist that will help you start this process - here's a snapshot of my checklist from their website for the month of February (I got engaged in January, married in August): 

 

Okay, friends. Hope everyone has a beautiful weekend - can't wait to talk to you Monday (but especially Tuesday, where we get to see if JoJo is going to make the wrong decision or the wrong decision. Get it? 'Cause there's no right choice.) 

Love! 

 

Gilmore Gab: We Have a Trailer.

Oh my goodness. 

Like many Gilmore Girls fans out there, I have been freaking out and watching all of the things in anticipation for this new series to be released. 

"What are 'the things?'" you might ask. 

Well, I watched this hour and 45 minute long panel with the entire cast at the ATX festival, and this great interview on the Today Show a few months back. It's just really good goodness. 

So, suffice it to say that I have been amped for many moons. Word to the wise, that ATX festival interview basically serves as a podcast if you put headphones in and clean your house while listening. Just sayin'. 

So yesterday, when it was announced that the series returns on NOVEMBER 25, meaning I'm basically going to spend my Thanksgiving holiday unapologetically huddled in front of the computer, I was real pumped.

AND THEN THE TRAILER CAME OUT. 

Oh my gosh. 

Can we just analyze? 

First of all, I don't know about y'all, but with those first few guitar strums in the intro, I was COVERED in goosebumps. 

We get to see so many places! 

Luke's! It's still there!

The Dragonfly! (Where Melissa McCarthy better damn well be or so help me God...)

Precious lil' Stars Hollow in the fall! 

Then, the money shot: 

I mean, get out of here. It's so perfect. It hasn't changed a bit. Now all I want to do is go put twinkle lights outside my house. 

AND THEN WE GET TO SEE OUR GIRLS. 

Let's just run through a quick list of observations, shall we? 

  • Coffee. Still. Always. 

  • They're eating Pop Tarts. Still. Always. 

  • The house looks pretty much the same! Rory's Yale pennant can even be seen hanging on her bedroom mirror. 

  • Neither actress appears to have had any major work done to their faces. You laugh, but nothing spoils a reunion like bad plastic surgery. 

  • Lorelai is wearing a Rachel Antonoff "I'm with Human" sweatshirt, but it's conveniently also nearly the same slogan as our Democratic presidential nominee. Including the arrow underneath the words, which mimics the arrow in Hillary's logo. Just sayin'. 

  • They're reading papers - actual newspapers - but have an iPhone on the table. This suggests to me that Stars Hollow is exactly where we left it, but Rory, who most likely doesn't live at home, has a foot in the tech-savvy world (as she always has).

  • NEITHER WOMAN IS WEARING A RING. This is a big one. No engagement or wedding bands on any hands. Does this mean that we get to see Luke and Lorelai get married?!?! Or does this mean they aren't together. What. Oh man. 

  • They're talking about current celebrities who they would, of course, love - Amy Schumer and John Oliver. Hearing Lauren Graham say the names of modern-day celebs really made me so excited. So the reboot is set in real time, not in some other period in the last ten years.

  • And everything else is pretty much a mystery. 

So here are the fun questions we still get to have answered: 

  • What does Rory do for a living? 

  • Is either woman in a relationship? And, if so, who's the guy? 

  • How is Emily faring without Richard? 

  • What are Lane and Zack (and the twins) up to? 

  • Where does Rory live? Surely not too far away from SH. 

  • Kirk? Taylor? Miss Patty? Babette? I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER HOLY WOW. 

I am a huge TV girl - I feel like these people are my friends. It's been so hard to watch beloved series come to an end: Breaking Bad, Mad Men, LOST, The Office, etc.; to have something as tender and precious as Gilmore Girls resurrected is pretty close to unbeatable. And to have it in the hands of the creator, Amy Sherman-Palladino (who was famously not part of the final season of the show) makes it that much better. We're back to our roots. 

In other words, 

Let's get ready to GILMORE. 

The Men Tell All.

Okay, people. I'm gonna recap this on the condition that I'll be using fewer screengrabs, because the screengrabs part of those recaps takes me about two hours to compile, and, frankly, these stooges are not worth it. 

But I did watch. And I am gonna snark all over them. 

 

  • HOW many times are we gonna have to hear Chad's whistle from the 2x1 looped over itself. Oy. 
  • Chad is so pitiful - he started out being awesome because he was kind of anti-establishment in a fun way, but now he's sold out to The Man and will do literally whatever will make him more famous. 
  • Case in point: he's eating a sweet potato in his trailer. Because he wants ATTENTION. 
  • Oh man Bachelor in Paradise preview DID I JUST SEE JUBILEE IN BED WITH EVAN 
  • TELL ME I DIDN'T
  • TELL
    ME
    I DIDN'T
  • NICK VIALL YOU KEEP YOUR DAMN DIRTY HANDS OFF OF SWEET SINGLE MOM AMANDA

 

  • Oh man I really hope Evan gets punched out by Chad. I wanna see him just get knocked the hell out and hospitalized. Not killed, mind you, just taken out for a while so he can think about his life and his choices. 
  • CAILA IS ON THIS SHOW?!? CAILA I THOUGHT MORE OF YOU DAMN IT 
  • That preview made me feel the way I feel after my birthday party is over. Sad and alone. It premieres on my anniversary. I mean, come on. Thank you, universe.


THE GUYS: 

  • Brandon got a haircut. 
  • OH, SAINT NICK. That's why that guy dressed up like Santa. I just got that. Wow. Blonde moment. 
  • Jonathan put on a little weight. 
  • Vinny got Jordan/Luke/Chase/Robby's haircut. Remember, he used to have those straight-across bangs? 
  • Not wanting to ever be left out of anything, Evan, in his failed attempts to be cool, also got that haircut: 
  • So did James Taylor, who was teetering on the edge of having that cut anyway.
  • No surprise that Snake's applause breaks the applause-o-meter. 
  • All the other guys are looking at each other like, "Great. SO glad Chad is getting this much attention. Fantastic." 
  • We're treated to this extremely pornographic montage of JoJo, who Evan calls, "The best Bachelorette there's ever been." I think he said that because he saw boobs for the first time. Oh, Evan. I remember my first beer. 
  • Then we get into trying to psychoanalyze the behavior of all these guys, as though that's a) interesting, or b) possible. 
  • Lil' Tyke Alex is first up in the shrink's chair. 
  • Dr. Wells actually offers up a pretty solid theory that because Alex was raised in combat, he looks for conflict. Surprising depth there, Wells. Would've liked to have seen you as the next Bachelor, but I saw you on that Paradise preview and it looks like you're in it for the nookie. 
  • Snake is not having the fact that military guys are being portrayed as loose canons. 
  • He didn't even have to get mean. Just tellin' it like it is. That's my Snake right there. Love that guy. 
  • Just noticed that homeboy is still in his kilt. 
  • John Krasinski is not coming off great in this episode. He's kind of whiney and lame. 
  • Honestly, THAT is how pitiful this season is. They're making an entire show out of Chad, a villain for like 5 episodes, because JoJo is so deeply uninteresting and unsympathetic. 
  • Thanks for your thoughts, Evan, but I'm gonna have to stop you right there because NOBODY CARES. 
  • I'm tempted to just bail on this entire recap because of how ridiculous this ALREADY is re: all things Chad. This show doesn't deserve my viewership. 
  • But I can't help myself. I want to know what happens. 
  • This line will go down for me as one of the greatest in Bachelor history: 
  • And this one: 
  • The thing is, Chad could HANDILY kick the asses of everyone here. He is a monster. Super tall and absolutely HUGE. 
  • His cheek line on his beard is up to his eyeballs. It's so high! How did I not notice that??  Also has the weirdest beard line ever. 
  • A security guard?. Come on. 
  • So, what, he dug up secrets on every single person here so they can't respond to them? 
  • Chris Harrison basically just asked Chad if he's slept with Robby and Grant's girlfriends. This is where are, people. This is where we are. 
  • Now Saint Nick wants to fight Chad? That's how he's gonna get his 15 minutes? 
  • In the most epic screen grab of all time, I accidentally captured Evan checking out Nick's ass. Proving ONCE AND FOR ALL that Evan is gayer than Peter Pan.
  • The Canadian delivers the best line of the night and puts us all on blast: 
  • So what now? Is that guy gonna just stand there throughout the entire commercial break??? What is this, a duel? 
  • Okay yes, apparently he did in fact stand there through the commercial. So ridiculous. And then just kind of anti-climactically went back to his seat. 
  • Chad is really just not entertaining any of this stuff - he doesn't care about being a part of this conversation in a genuine way, which is amazing. 
  • He's just trolling everyone. 
  • Trying to get a rise out of them. And it's working.  John Krasinski is talking to him about something normal and this was his response: 
  • Also we're learning some interesting information about Jordan - that he 1) has a sportscasting job and is 2) "only in it for the fame." Which I TOTALLY believe because I do not like Jordan. 
  • I've never been in a scenario where I don't like anyone in the finale, including the Bachelor/Bachelorette, until this season. Like I genuinely don't care who wins. 
  • Chad keeps trolling everyone to my delight.
  • Then. We have to. Listen. To Evan. UGH. 
  • The audience apparently is the new jury for what happened on this season. As in, Harrison is legit asking the people what their opinions are about everything. 
  • Evan, your fate has been decided, you little tiny squirrely greasy Keebler Elf: 
  • Blah blah blah Chad keeps getting talked about, I'm bored, let's move on. 

SNAKE AND CHASE'S TURN. 

  • Poor Snake. This montage of their relationship is brutal. 
Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.40.37 AM.png
Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.41.13 AM.png

Then we move on to Chase's sad story: 

Let's hear from JOJE:

  • What kind of person is she?? She just admitted that she sent Snake home because he didn't literally say the words, "I love you," in that order. I mean, come on. You're a monster. 
  • Then it's Chase's turn to hear why this lil' Candy Corn broke his heart: 
  • And she basically said that she still doesn't know if she made a mistake sending him home. So that'll make a guy feel great. 
  • Both these guys were so sweet and handled the breakup with such dignity. Both thanked her for what she'd taught them. I mean, it doesn't get a lot better than that. 
  • Then Chad tries to turn the attention back toward him by firing shots at Robby and Jordan to JoJo herself, which she doesn't entertain because she knows Chad is not #herefortherightreasons. 
  • Then Donatella Versace showed up. Oh -- wait, no. That's Vinny's mom. 
  • Good deal. 
  • Then we have a blooper reel. 
  • People. This reunion was full of Chad being an idiot and the other guys being so decent that they aren't even interesting. UGH COME ON. 
  • Harrison's GOT JOKES!!! He knows how stupid the phrase "amazing journey" is - I love this: 
Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.58.15 AM.png
  • Okay so the show's over - we need to talk about JoJo's family. 
  • Y'all, when these guys meet HER family, they're going to start doubting their relationship with her. Trust. 
  • They thought THEIR families were the hurdle. HAHAHAHAHA good joke. The Fletchers are...a special bunch. 
  • Good luck, buttercups. You're gonna need it. 

Slash it looks like she's gonna pick Robby. I feel like his beard is the beard in theis shot where she says "I love you." 

See you next week on the 

DRAMATIC
SEASON
FINALE.