Week 3.

Greetings Bach-Cap Nation,

Writing this guest post feels like I’m coming full circle: I wouldn’t even be watching Bachelor if it weren’t for Mary Catherine. I only started watching during JoJo’s Bachelorette season and I had no idea it could be this good. 

God help us.

Come, accept this rose, and join me for what promises to be the most EXPLOSIVE episode of The Bachelor ever.

• Alright. Preview. We're recapping Liz the Doula who HAS A SECRET that she's totally keeping on the DL by bringing it up at every possible moment.

PICTURED: LIZ'S SECRET MANAGEMENT SYSTEM

• Omg y'all, like, they met at Jade and Tanner's WEDDING and like totally had sexxxxxxxxx omg
• My favorite part of this story was that she got dumped in front of a Cold Stone Creamery.

LIKE IT, LOVE IT, GOTTA HAVE IT

• And now we get to see the AFTERMATH.

PART I: The Aftermath

• Ok, so part of me thinks Nick has had sex with multiple people on previous seasons of this very show, so people really shouldn't be surprised--they knew what they were getting into. But then, I can also see where I'd be upset if I were a contestant here.
• Brianna the Travel Nurse (who's somehow still here) with a grade-A teeth suck.
• "If you have a question, please ask me! I'm an open book." Nick's gonna be holding office hours in the candlelit alcove if you wanna swing by. He'll have free Dunkin'! He values your feedback!

CURRENTLY HANGING IN BACHELOR MANSION

• We see Vanessa, then Astrid getting time with Nick. Side note: no one named Astrid is gonna win The Bachelor. You gotta be a Lauren C to win this game.
• I have no idea who some of these people are.
• So far, everyone's reacting normally like a regular adult human person. So obviously it's time to check in on Crazy Town and see what Corinne's up to.
• "I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm" *THROWS ROBE TO THE FLOOR*

• Her eyes are not the eyes of a sane person. They just aren't.
• Everything's going on swimmingly at Bachelor Mansion. Meanwhile, somewhere near the service entrance, BLACK BOX OVER CORINNE'S BOOBS. She comes out to see Nick in just an overcoat and they walk to a giant red beanbag.
• Nick: "I'm very attracted to Corinne" as she is literally spraying whipped cream on her boobs.

Never forget that her "guilty pleasure" is Frasier. Frasier!

• I hate her so much. I really can't talk about the whipped cream any more so let's just skip to:

PART II: The Rose Ceremony

• Corinne sleeps through the rose ceremony.

• Crazyface aka Josephine gets a rose and I do not know why.
• Dolphinshark gets a rose and says, "move bitches," as she goes to get it. I love her so much.

QUEEN.

• Last rose. Prediction: Jasmine.
• NAILED IT.
• No longer with us: Hailey (aka no underwear), some blonde, Corinne's confidante. Corinne's gonna be pissed when she wakes up.
• Hailey tries to throw shade at Corinne for being gross but come on, Hailey, you introduced yourself by saying you weren't wearing underwear and later said you were your best self that day.
• Summary: no huge surprises.

PART III: Group Date I: Party Like It's 1999

• This group date randomly involves the Backstreet Boys. We've got Christen aka Jane the Virgin, Danielle L aka T. McGee, Raven aka Hoxie, Jasmine, some forgettable characters like Sarah, aaaaaaand ... Corinne.
• Jane is more excited than the rest. Backstreet's BACK, y'all.

• Side note: Backstreet > N*Sync. I won't take it back.
• But really this is a weird date.
• Sarah (who?): "Twelve-year-old me is so excited." Exactly.
• Corinne appears to be having an, ahem, acne problem on the upper chest. Whipped cream will do that to ya.
• The Backstreet Boys are starting a residency at PLANET HOLLYWOOD in Vegas. Applebee's must have already booked 98 Degrees.

PICTURED: NICK LACHEY WITH MEMBERS OF FEDERAL WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

• T. McGee is really getting into the 90s Britney look with her tied-up top and she's crushing it.
• Meanwhile, Corinne looks like a drugged penguin. Who is sitting on a folding chair in the corner.
• Corinne: "I'm not a crybaby when the attention's not on me, that's not me, I mean, no."

• TIME TO GO TO PLANET HOLLYWOOD!
• T. McGee gets the win and her reward is a slow dance with Nick (Viall, not Lachey) to an a capella version of I Want it That Way.
• Worst prize ever, but earlier T. told us that the Backstreet Boys are her favorite band. Not used to be. Are. Also, liberal use of the term "band."

PICTURED: DISAPPOINTMENT. ALSO PICTURED: ACNE

• Jasmine: "Every day, it's Corinne, Corinne, Corinne. I'm sick of talking about Corinne." Girl, me too.

HOW WE ALL FEEL.

PART IV: One-on-One Date

• YES. VANESSA.

• But first, more Corinne. We learn that her nanny Raquel makes "cheese pasta" like no one else. Is that... mac n cheese? Or some other type of cheese pasta? This is also someone who refers to choreography as "planned dancing."

• Nick takes Vanessa on a zero-G plane, which is sometimes termed the Vomit Comet. We already know where this is gonna end from the preview.

• A picture is worth 1,000 words. Oh, Vanessa. Sweet, sweet Vanessa.
• But we recover. To wrap up the date and get #vulnerable, Nick takes Vanessa to the tallest building in LA, which also had a cameo in Independence Day (1996).

STILL LESS EXPLOSIVE THAN VANESSA

• To lighten the mood, Vanessa tells Nick about the day of her grandfather's funeral.
• Apparently, she got a red rose in the car on the way to the funeral and roses make her think of that day, so this entire show is basically an unending nightmare of flashbacks for her.

"DO YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME?"

• She gets the rose, obv. Vanessa can really see herself falling for Nick, but the previews tell us that poolside tribulations are yet to come.

PART V: Group Date II: #fitness

• Commercial break note: I could not care less about this upcoming island of misfit toys group date. Rachel is the only redeeming thing here. And Dolphinshark. Always Dolphinshark.
• We open with Nick running laps on a track because #sports
• Some former Olympians run up and are immediately identified with excitement despite there being no way anyone would be able to do that. One is a shot putter. It's a very dated crew.

BASICALLY.

• Oh my god, this date is awful. The women are NOT prepared. Except, of course, for Noseballs. Girl's got like 6 sports bras on.
• Dolphinshark: "Nick always gets the silver medal, so I hope maybe he'll get the gold today"

• Dominique sees the writing on the wall early. "Always overlooked. Always overlooked."
• Side note: I couldn't remember who Dominique was and just wrote ??? as a placeholder until her name popped up.
• Astrid wins the grand prize, hot tub time with Nick, but she's so boring that the producers focus on Dominique, who has gotten zero screen time so far and is obviously about to go home.
• Back at Bachelor Mansion, Dominique decides to press it. Surprise: he's not interested. Next stop: tears in the back of the limo.
• No one reacts AT ALL when Nick tells them Dominique is gone.

PICTURED: DOMINIQUE

• Dolphinshark lies down with Nick on a giant printout of his face and I love her so much.
• The rose goes to Rachel (yay!).
• Prediction: Your final three are T. McGee, Rachel, and Vanessa. Rachel is your next Bachelorette.

PART VI: Perfect Storm Pool Party

• There are only EIGHT minutes left in this episode and I am DRAINED. It will not end.
• Dolphinshark, increasingly the muse of this show, previews the pool party: "these girls are really horny and I don't know how this is gonna work." Me either, Dolphinshark. Me either.
• Nick joins Corinne in a bouncy castle: "what are we doing?" Uhh... bouncing?
• Oh, jk, gross public sexy time is happening in the bouncy castle because Corinne.
• Dolphinshark proclaims this the worst pool party she's ever been to, which is saying something. Girl knows her way around a pool.
• Corinne is shown sleeping because that's the new Chad eating meat.
• HOXIE INTERVENTION TIME: "Corinne is 24 and has a nanny."

SHE MAKES GREAT CHEESE PASTA

• Hoxie drops truth left and right re: Corinne. Remember last week when she said that maybe that's the reason he's on The Bachelor for the 4th time?
• Hoxie: "She doesn't even know how to clean a spoon."

• Vanessa confronts Nick about his bouncy castle trysts with Corinne.
• "Are you looking for a wife? Or are you looking for someone to ---- around with?"

END OF THE EPISODE. BOOM.

• They packed A LOT into those last 8 minutes. Wow.
• Next week looks like the Corinne Confrontation this entire season has been building toward. Is Nick here for the right reasons? We'll find out.
• Spoiler: probably not but it'll be great TV.

Y'all, if you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me! So much happened this week. I'm glad I got to spend it with you. Til next time!

Thank You, President Obama.

It's hard to know where to start. 

Do I start with the first time I ever heard you speak? It was 2004 and I was sitting on the hardwood floor of my parents' house in Decatur, Alabama as we watched the Democratic National Convention for then-nominee John Kerry. You came on the screen and suddenly, what had been a relatively dull and boring convention (at least to 15-year-old-me) lit up like a firecracker. Out of nowhere, there was someone on television talking to me. To me. 

"There is not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there is the United States of America."

My mother said, "Yes," out loud. I looked back and she was crying. So was I. It felt like I'd been alone at a party for hours and a dear friend suddenly touched me on the shoulder. It felt like someone had said my name. This was the America that I always thought was underneath all the rhetoric, all the jaded sideways glances. Here it was. 

Do I start with the day you declared your candidacy for President? It was 2007, and I was in another sitting room in Decatur, Alabama - only this time, it was my high school sweetheart's parents' house. The room was filled with students home from college for the weekend - principled, Southern young people, most of whom were wrestling with where they fell on the political spectrum. Not me. My "A Blue Dot In A Very Red State" bumper sticker had already been fixed (by me) and torn (by someone else) from my bumper by the time you stepped up to that podium in Chicago. But every one of us, no matter our political leanings at the time, were riveted to the screen. Just like before, your energy soared through the airwaves from states away and landed squarely between my eyes. I wept:

"...we landed a man on the moon. We heard a King's call to let justice run down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream. We've done this before. Every time a new generation has risen up and done what's needed to be done. Today, we are called once more. And it is time for our generation to answer that call." 

I looked around the room and thought, "He's talking to us." It felt, again, like I had been plucked out of obscurity; like my idealistic and naive beliefs about the goodness in the world were being sung out from a rooftop. 

Do I start with the day I voted for you? When my mother and I went to the fire station in an almost all-White, upper-class neighborhood in Birmingham, where we then lived, and cast our votes for the first African American President of the United States? I was 19. It was the first election I voted in. I still have the t-shirt I wore to the polls - your now famous campaign logo with the word "Change" written across the bottom. I remember curling my hair with extra care that day to go and vote for My President. I touched the ballot after I made my selections, and tears sprang forth in my eyes. "Please," I thought. This would not be the only time I prayed over a ballot, and not the only time I have cast a historic vote -- 2016 gave me both those opportunities again -- but it was the first time. It was because you called on me in 2004 to start paying attention, to keep my ears pricked up for signs of life, to never forsake my part in America's story. 

Or should we begin with later that same day when the votes were tallied and you were elected? I was seated in a small on-campus college apartment, surrounded by the College Democrats at the Birmingham-Southern College. I remember the moment that you walked out onto that stage so well I could almost sketch it from memory: Michelle's black and red dress, the little girls, your powerful words ringing over thousands of people who'd gathered, the way you spoke about your grandmother who'd passed away only two days before.

"This is moment. This is our time...to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth: that out of many, we are one. That while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism and doubt and those that tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up a spirit of a people: 'Yes, we can.'" 

Our eyes red from crying, we held each other and beamed. This had actually happened. It felt dream-like and impossible, but it wasn't. It was real. 

Circa 2008.

I could talk about how, when I served as a corps member with Teach For America in rural Alabama, my students, all African American, weren't ever unclear about the possibility that someone who looks like them could sit in the White House and command a nation. It was a foregone conclusion that they could become President one day -- so obvious that declaring it aloud was met with that special exasperation only teenagers can master. "Of course we can," they'd say, and then go back to their work. And in that youthful, dismissive certainty, that the world changed

I could talk about the many times you've handled sticky situations with grace, candor, and tact. I could talk about your great good humor, your sly smile, your penchant for breaking into song -- be it Al Green or Amazing Grace. I could talk about your kindness, the prisoners you've freed, the soldiers you've brought home, the solace you've provided for families whose loved ones were victims of senseless gun violence. Or your incredible mind. Or your prowess as a leader. Or your steadiness under pressure. Or your ability to bring the voices and the issues of people of color to the forefront. Or any of the hundreds of adjectives that jump to mind when I consider the eight years you've given us.

What I really want to say is that I didn't truly grasp that you weren't going to be President anymore until I realized who was going to be President instead. The grief that overwhelmed me in that moment had nothing to do with an impending Republican White House (because what are we if not a nation built upon the great minds of both political parties?), but instead sprang from a familiar ache in my deep in my gut. It's the same ache that tightens my throat when I consider that one day, my parents will die. It is the tight-chestedness that grips me in moments when my life is teetering on the edge of a permanent change, never to be the same again. And it's not because I'm nostalgic, though I am.

It's because every moment that you've been My President, I have been certain that everything would always work out. I felt safe, taken care of. Suddenly, I wasn't sure anymore. And it broke my heart. 

But the magic of this particular grief is that, turned at a different angle, it became unity. When I wiped away my own tears, I was startled and heartened to find that there were so many others standing right in front of me, feeling the same way. As you've said since that November day in 2016, we can't lose hope. And so I won't. 

I am not hopeful because I am naive, or because I'm ignorant to the fact that minorities, women of color, and people in socio-economic spaces all across the spectrum have different and often far more challenging plights than my own. I understand that many people, lots of whom helped elect our incoming President, have felt overlooked and marginalized. 

I feel this way - this audacious hopefulness that you have taught us to curate - because you have inspired me to trust, despite all of the world's evils, that the good will always win out. To have learned from you for eight years and to come away cynical is to miss the beauty of what your legacy is; to stand for too long with stars in our eyes as we ask ourselves, "Wasn't it great back then?" is to miss the people ahead on the road with whom you've called us to join hands. 

Honoring your legacy means living into the very real pain, fear, and anger that simmer just below the surface; to brave them in the name of changing them. To learn from each other. To love each other. 

"Thank you," just doesn't seem like enough. I hope to make you proud of us in the way we practice what we've learned from the greatest leader of our lifetimes. I will not harden my heart or declare that I won't associate with people with whom I don't agree, however tempting it may be at times, because you've asked us not to do that. Even in your final words to us, you asked us to keep working together:

"My fellow Americans. It has been the honor of my life to serve you. I won't stop. In fact, I will be right there with you as a citizen for all my remaining days. But for now, whether you are young, or whether you're young at heart, I do have one final ask of you as your president. The same thing I asked when you took a chance on me eight years ago. I'm asking you to believe, not in my ability to bring about change, but in yours. I'm asking you to hold fast to that faith written into our founding documents; that idea whisper by slaves and abolitionists, that spirit sung by immigrants and homesteader and those who march for justice. That creed reaffirmed by those who planted flags from foreign battlefields to the surface of the moon. 

A creed at the core of every American whose story is not yet written: Yes we can. Yes we did. Yes we can." 

With pleasure, Mr. President. I believe. Yes we can. 

5 Small Ways To Eat Better.

I'm sure many of you, like me, are trying to do a little better in 2017. A new year always wipes the slate clean and gives us the chance to improve a bit - and I don't know about you, but I can always stand to do a better job with healthy eating. 

With that in mind, here are a few easy ways to clean up your diet. 

1. Watch added sugar. 

More than ever, experts are sure that sugar, not fat, is the culprit in so many American health issues like heart disease. And added sugar is everywhere -- from obvious places, like sugary cereals, to sneaky ones like pasta sauce and mayonnaise. Being mindful of the ingredients in what you eat can be a game-changer for your energy level, skin, and weight. This one can be especially important when reaching for something that sounds healthy, like an organic fruit popsicle, and then realizing that each individual pop has 18 grams of sugar. (Not that this happened to me this week. Oh wait. It did.)

2. Snack plan. 

Just like meal planning (which we'll get to), snack planning is something people rarely consider, but should. Back when I did The Whole30, I had to learn how to snack plan because there was so little I could "legally" eat. When I got hungry, I needed something immediate in my pantry or fridge to provide a little relief between meals, and I needed that thing to already be prepared - otherwise, I would head straight for the chips. When you get home from the grocery store, go ahead and make yourself a few little pre-portioned containers of snacks you can be proud of, like carrots and Greek yogurt, a small bag of grapes, or a container of nuts. It takes so little time and the payoff is HUGE. I actually bought the snack containers featured in the photo above and filled them up with snack food that I know I won't hate myself for eating. It's ready to grab in the fridge whenever I need it.  

3. Swap desserts for fruit. 

Ugh, I know. This one is annoying. And for the record, I don't mean you should do this 100% of the time because dessert is the best and sometimes you just have to go for it. But if you're anything like me, you eat dessert because you want something sweet at the end of a meal, and sometimes that means eating a dessert that isn't really that good. When we eat at home, I rarely make a dessert. Instead, Jordan and I have some plain Greek yogurt with granola and berries, or a couple of clementine oranges (that he makes me peel for him because he can't do it #marriage). It sounds like something on the truly skinny say, but it's a fact: fruit satisfies your sweet tooth. If it doesn't right away, give it some time - you'll be surprised how much you crave it. And if your sweet tooth doesn't ever completely go away, keep a secret stash of dark chocolate covered raisins in your cabinet that you don't tell your husband about. 

4. Meal plan. 

This one is similar to snack planning, but it lasts the whole week. I actually wrote a post on the benefits of meal planning that you can read here - suffice it to say that I'm a big fan. In addition to organizing your entire life and making your grocery store experience pleasant, it also allows you to be intentional about what you eat. I am definitely a grazer - I walk around the house eating a little of this and a little of that until I've accidentally spoiled whatever meal is next. Meal planning prevents that from happening because you aren't wondering, "What's for dinner??" 

5. Sit down and eat. 

Jord and I were talking about this just last night - making a meal an occasion is something we really try to prioritize. If I'm cooking (and I'm trying to cook at home at least 4 nights a week), then we set the table: placemats, napkins, cutlery, pitcher of tea or water on the table. We sit down, say the blessing, put on some music, and have dinner. Granted, we don't do this every time - we're still working on it - but on the nights we do, we both agree that it's so pleasant and a reminder that food is meant to be enjoyed and savored, not scarfed down or binged on. Sharing a meal with someone is really a holy experience, and it's so easy for me to forget that in the busyness of life. 

SO. Are you working on eating better? Tell me what your game plan is. I always need some tips. Come on, Eileen. Spill.

Fetch or Wretch? Golden Globes 2017.

PLUNGING NECKLINES! 

...sorry, reflex. In case you missed it, there were about 50 of them last night. 

Let's get right to it, shall we? 

Fetch. 

Evan Rachel Wood. 

I will always be wild about a well-fitted suit or jumpsuit on a woman. She is slaying this and I want to borrow it. Mmkay, ERW? But leave that freaky robot personality at home. Thanks. 

Lily Collins

This isn't something I would choose, but she is wearing the hell out of it. I'm realizing that this "lots of lace, frippery, maybe-looks-like-someone's-drapes" trend is really kind of everywhere this year, so I'm embracing it. With bad head styling, this could've been dated and terrible. But it wasn't. 

Annette Bening

I mean she just looks damn good. 57 years old and, radiant, statuesque. Get it, girl. 

Emma Stone

Again, not something I would've chosen, but it works perfectly on an actress who's selling a movie-musical about a whimsical fantasy world. Emma Stone is just off-beat enough to pull this off. Though I'm not wild about the color. 

Janelle Monae

Okay, okay, I know, hot take. I just think this is SO FABULOUS and super fun. It's kooky, yes, but it's also perfectly styled and perfectly her. Even her toenails are black and white! Get outta here! I love it. It's okay to hate it. But I love it. 

Viola Davis

LOTS of canary yellow on the red carpet last night, but this was my favorite. This is the epitome of "BAM." Everything about Viola Davis makes me want to sit at her feet and learn her ways, but this look is particularly powerful. You can't miss her, and thank God. 

Reese Witherspoon

Certainly not as striking as Viola, but this is a case study in doing it right. Every single detail - hair, makeup, jewelry, the fit of the dress - is perfectly tuned. Werk that old Hollywood glam, Reese! 

Natalie Portman

The last of the bright yellows, Natalie serves up some serious Jackie Kennedy realness. And who doesn't need that? Also, SHE'S PREGNANT. So, yeah. She wins. 

Naomie Harris

Just plan gorgeousness. Doesn't get any better. Not in love with the plunging neckline proportionally, but everything else is pretty freakin' on point. 

Honorable Mention Fetch: 

Mandy Moore

It's pretty fabulous, don't get me wrong. That neckline is just a SKOSH too wide and too deep for me. I don't know what it is, but it's making my eyes bleed. Everything else is so lovely - 70's vibes with the hair, the dress, the makeup...could also be that I have a pre-existing prejudice against Mandy because in the early aughts she BUGGED SO MUCH. 

Sarah Paulson

Dressing like the award she eventually won. It's not my favorite dress I've seen her in, but I love this lady too much to leave her out. Get it, Sarah Paulson, you fabulous creature. You earned it.

...but enough with the pretty. Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here today to discuss the 

Wretch. 

Anna Kendrick

Oh, Anna Kendrick, how I wish you had not worn this. This dress, along with some unfortunate posing, gives the illusion that Anna is a mannequin who was assembled incorrectly. Her legs are facing square to the camera, her torso is turned to the side, and her head is facing back at us. Third graders across the country should study this photo as one of those Magic Eye images. This was so close to being good, but just...wasn't. 

Nicole Kidman

Shhhh. Nobody scare her. Everyone stand still. Nicole? (I'll handle it, she spooks easily.) Nicole, honey? Hey, it's okay, girl! It's okay. Shhhhh. I've got ya. I'm just gonna walk you over here into this limo and send you home, and when you wake up, this will all seem like a bad dream. 

Really, though, WHAT is happening. Free association with this dress: glitter baby shredder saloon STOP IT WITH THE NAKED DRESSES. 

Priyanka Chopra

8 pounds of makeup, a dress that is going to cause millions of "Is Priyanka Chopra pregnant" searches, and squished boobs. Girl, ya done missed the mark. 

SJP

I can't talk about this for reasons of loyalty, but for the sake of impartiality I had to include it. Anyway, next. 

Sophie Turner

Sad boobs. Right? Wasn't that your first thought? Asymmetry + droopy lines = sad. I cannot wait for this sheer dress trend to die. Why won't it die?? It's like the Hydra in Hercules - we manage to wrangle one sheer dress and three more pop up in its place. 

Sofia Vergara

Anna Chlumsky

I have a running theory that Anna Chlumsky has offended every gay man in Hollywood somehow, because I have yet to see her show up to an awards show looking her best. Everything about this, from the slick ponytail down to the chunky black peep-toes, is so terribly unfortunate. But I was always taught to say something nice instead of something mean, so...the color goes really well with the plants in the background? 

Blake Lively

I see where she was trying to go, but this is such an aging look. She looks like Elizabeth Taylor: The Later Years. You can do better than that, Blake. 

Carly Steel

I have absolutely no idea who this is, but WOW WOW WOW. Wow. I liked free association last time, so let's try it again: 

Bump-it, snake-neck, babyheads, mother of the bride. 

Fun! 

Felicity Jones

Just so I'm clear, are those ruffles at the top and on the sleeves sewn on/not real? I think so. And the ones at the bottom that look like sad little black palm trees. TOO MUCH. When did Toddlers and Tiaras become a design motif? BOWS! FRILLS! LACE! SMILE AT THE CAMERA HONEY! NOD YOUR HEAD! NOW DO A POUTY FACE AND WAG YOUR FINGER AT THE JUDGES! 

Chrissy Metz

Let me be clear RIGHT upfront that this has nothing to do with Chrissy and everything to do with Christian Siriano, who designed this look. Listen, I gotta give it up for my boy Christian Siriano, who I LOVE: he has taken on the clients that other designers are too snooty for. When Leslie Jones complained that no high-level designer had offered her any gowns for the Ghostbusters premiere, Christian Siriano stepped up and designed for her. He loves "non-traditional" body types. But this is a design failure. Instead of highlighting Chrissy's assets, Christian made her look like a frumpy purple rectangle. Disappointing. 

UPDATE: It seems that, though this was billed as a Christian Siriano, it wasn't. Apparently he'd designed two custom gowns for her, and she chose to wear another designer's dress at the last minute. Whew. That's a relief. Sorry, Christian! Your track record is still sparkling. 

...and now for the very WORST. Worst worst worst. Worst. Can't even believe it happened. 

THE WRETCHEST OF THEM ALL...

CUBA GOODING, JR.! 

What what WHAT ARE YOU DOING. 

Is that your son's suit? 
Did you have a romp with someone and accidentally switched jackets with her in the backseat of the limo? 
Did you spill wine on your coat and had to trade with your doorman who is also a little person? 
Are you trying to raise awareness for some group of people whose clothes don't fit? 

Truly awful. 

But let's leave on a happy note, shall we? 

...close enough.

DNR - JTI: Retail Edition.

As usual, credit for "DNR - JTI" ("Do not respond, just take it") goes to the fabulous Mollie Erickson whose idea I totally plagiarized. 

When Jordan and I moved to Asheville in the summer of 2015, I had no jobs and no friends. I decided to take a part-time gig at a national retail chain (whose name I can't share for legal reasons -- theirs, not mine). I'd never worked retail, and I'd always kind of wanted to.

I've been working there almost a year and a half. I've learned some things. And I've seen some things. And today, I'm gonna share. 

Dear Shrill Woman Bossing Your Husband Around,
Hi. Over here! Right. I've been fifteen feet away from you for the past few minutes and have heard every single marching order you've yelled at this poor man. I think the whole store has overheard, actually. We really don't need to know that you think your husband lacks a butt to hold his pants up because he's "so weirdly shaped, like a potato with toothpicks." Also, please stop digging into the back o his pants to see what size they are. You literally have both your hands in the man's pants. We're all RIGHT HERE. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Middle Aged White Women,
You've done a really good job creating witch hunts about people of other races and ages being thieves, but now I know better. YOU are the thieves. I see you casually perusing the sale section, eyes darting around, before you stuff that bangle into your purse. I SEE YOU. I know what you're doing when you take too long in the fitting room. We see the tags you've cut out all over the floor. You assume no one would ever suspect you. Middle aged White women, you've pulled the wool over the world's eyes. But NOT ME. Prepare to be profiled. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Woman in the Fitting Room,
Are you doing okay in there? Anything else I can get you? OH. OH. Oh my goodness. You've opened the door and you're pants-less. And you're 90. You're now in the middle of the store yelling and asking why no one came to check on your sooner. You're having an Elaine Stritch moment and you're burning my retinas. Back into the fitting room with you. Shhhh. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Adult Man Who is Sweating Profusely and Shifting his Weight from Side to Side,
Yeah, we have a bathroom. Yikes, dude. Come on. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Teenager Messing Up a Perfect Pile of Sweaters,
I know you just saw me fold those. I know you did. I watched you watch me. And now you've not only knocked the stack over, you're going through each individual sweater, holding it up, and checking it for size. Cut the crap. You're not buying a sweater. You're 14 and you're carrying a skateboard. GET OUTTA HERE, KID. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Disgruntled Customer,
When you asked me to get different sizes of shoes for you to try on, it was my pleasure. Truly. It's my job.  When, however, after five tries, you decided that you "just aren't going to pay that much for flats," it got a bit irritating. On a similar note, I neither designed nor priced these shoes, so your disapproving glances are wasted on me. Hope you find what you're looking for, Cinderella. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Window Shoppers,
UGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGGGGGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH. DNR - JTI.

Dear Well-Intentioned Man,
It is so supremely thoughtful that you are going to buy your wife a gift with the leftover money from the return you just made. We've got some beautiful jewelry and some nice silk tops. But the spaghetti strap XXS black crushed velvet peplum top that you've chosen, while certainly fashionable, is going to miss the mark with your 45-year old wife who just had a baby and you told me is 5'11. I'm trying to help, here. Nope? Gonna buy it anyway? Mmk. DNR - JTI. 

Dear That Man's Wife,
Got a return for us? Yeah. I know. I tried to tell him. Let me show you the jewelry. DNR - JTI.