The Anti-Valentine's Day Story.

Perfect for the day after Valentine's Day, as this story is not romantic at ALL - grotesque, in fact - but does eventually lead to me getting married. 

Read it here, or click the photo below. 

Week 7.

• Hoxie is might sound unintelligent but she's sharp, and I appreciate the fact that she's representing strong-accented Southern people well. 

• Nick and Harrison have a conversation on a beach...with about 300 other tourists, hahahahahaha ABC you're stupid. Don't try to convince me this is a nice resort.
• Can I just ask right now why any of these girls are sticking around to let Nick decide whether he can scrape himself together to keep dating them?
• Nick and his shorts come in to reassure everyone that he will, in fact, fight through the pain and continue to date seven beautiful women. 
• What a martyr. 

Nick, basically. 

PART I: One-on-one.

• None of these bitches had ever heard of Bimini before this. 

• WOW Danielle is tall. How have I not noticed that?
• In a curveball, Vanessa gets a second one-on-one.

• Vanessa throws some expert-level shade by rubbing her second one-on-one in in front of Corinne. And this is why (hot take alert) I am not Team Vanessa. 
• I am Team Rachel.
• (Well really, I'm Team Rachel Please Run Away This Show Will Destroy Your Soul, although it looks like that's DEFINITELY not happening, but you know what I mean.) 
• Rachel and Corinne are friends, you guys. That says something good about Corinne, right? 
• I don't even care. I love Corinne. 
• On their date, Nick starts with a bunch of REALLY confusing stuff: 

• ...

• I may not like Nessy, but that body is slammin'. DAYUM.

• Few things bother me more than when girls show up in cocktail dresses and guys show up in daggum T-SHIRTS. 
• Vanessa drops the L bomb. 
• And he responds by...making a really long, strange speech.

• Vanessa isn't supercharged about the whole interaction. 
• It's like his goal is to speak in relationship code to her. 
• I would say that did not go well. 

PART II: GROUP DATE. 

• Oh, honey. You bringing Nick to Hoxie is the last time you'll see him. He'll roll in wearing a v-neck and pre-ripped jeans, and the people of Hoxie will be all,

• ABC treats us to some gratuitous sunscreen slathering. 

• Then Hoxie treats us to yet another colorful threat of violence.

• Seriously though, this seems pretty dangerous. They're just swimming in open water with sharks while wearing flippers?? Hope no one nicked themselves in the shower this morning...

I need to take a moment during this date to make some predictions. 

• Jordan and I decided that Kristina might win this show. If not her, then Vanessa.
• And, apparently, Rachel will be The Bachelorette, so she'll go home this week.
• Corinne and Hoxie are going home this week.

Okay. Back to your regularly scheduled bitchery.

• OH MAN that's what his hair looks like wet?!?! Deal breaker.
• Later on the date, he sits down with Kristina. 

• Wait. He's crying AGAIN?? It's getting to be a bit much. 
• To be clear, Nick is crying about having to choose among six hot, smart women to a person who has literally eaten lipstick because her family had no food in the cabinets. 

Meanwhile, back at the tropical cabana...

• Danielle goes Exorcist over the date card.
• Seriously though, what's the appeal? Have we just not been allowed to see her personality?
• Cause I'm asleep, Danielle. I'M ASLEEP. 
  
  Back on the date...
   
• WHAAAAAAT????? WOW. 

• Oh, well, of course. Now that I've stopped to think about it, It all makes sense now. Hoxie is going to be a ridiculous ratings machine because it will be full of hill people. Of course she got the rose. 

PART III: One-on-one. 

• I guess my major complaint about her is that everything out of her mouth is in the voice and language of a cute 8-year old. 

• This season, on the most dramatic and racist date yet, we're supposed to be charmed by white people Nick and Danielle playing basketball with non-white children.  
• Conversation between these two grinds to a halt, unsurprisingly.

• Oh RIGHT I forgot she has a dead fiance. 
• "The last time I was in love with someone, they died." 

• Oh don't worry Danielle. He's not gonna die, he's just gonna humiliate you on national television. 
• Oh please cry again., Nick. Definitely show us how hard this is for YOU. 

• Good for her for having the balls to just say what every girl has always thought.
• Poor thing. 

PART IV: Corinne's Platinum Vagine

• I love ya girl, but that was the best you could do with your hair? 

• This is already my favorite part of the episode.

• Oh. My. Gosh. 
• Corinne, I love you. #teamcorn

• I can't believe I'm saying this, but it looks like Nick has actually learned some lessons on this show. So he pumps the brakes until the episode when, you know, they actually are allowed to have sex for millions of viewers. 
• Corinne leaves, upset, and we discover she absolutely canNOT walk in heels. 

• She also bypasses the sliding glass doors in favor of the push door. 
• She's a fascinating creature. 

PART V: One-one-one. 

• Okay so if Rachel is announcing she's The Bachelorette tonight, she has to leave the show tonight. The variable is HOW she's going to leave. Right? Am I crazy?

• Oh my gosh she is an angel from heaven and literally always looks perfect. 
• I really want to have that skirt please. 

• Oh I'm sure they're just WILD about the television crew. 
• Blah blah blah, they have a perfect date but I can't get invested because it's already come out that Rachel is the Bachelorette.
• Okay so if Hoxie gets a hometown date, that probably means Corinne does too. Because you KNOW Chris Harrison wants us to meet Raquel. 

• Nick surprises everyone with a tearful goodbye, but not to Rachel...

• ...to Kristina. 
• I feel like someone predicted this last episode...

• Which is all I have because obviously I was W R O N G about everything else this episode, shit. 
• Vanessa is conspicuously absent from the "comforting Kristina" party.
• Kristina was so sweet. Her lil' cheese cube self. RIP Kristina. You deserve better. 

This episode was a slog, you guys. But hometowns are next week, and if anything has ever been entertaining, it's hometowns. 

See you in Hoxie, kids. 

Fetch or Wretch: Grammys 2017.

The Grammys, similar to the VMA's, marks the time when famous musicians let their freak flags fly. Boobs, sideboobs, underboobs, bellybuttons, underwear - we get to see it all! 

In honor of that, there will be no Fetch or Wretch columns this morning (because almost everyone is Wretch - spoiler alert!). Instead, there will be drive-by commentary on almost everyone. 

Let's get to gettin': 

Adele: 

Looks great and was totally endearing last night. Her acceptance speech where she basically Kanye'd herself into thanking Beyonce was precious and probably kept her from getting dragged in the blogs this morning since everyone with ears knows Beyonce should've won Album of the Year. Anyway, Adele, you nailed it. Would've liked a bolder lip, but that's it. 

J Lo

Giving us Angelina Jolie leg and looking like she put an Easter dress through a life-size shredder. J Lo, you're better than this dress. WAY better. But as always, you're also giving us #face. 

Katy Perry

Caterpillar! Half-worm! Cousin It! Snake while molting! Partially digested pipe cleaner! 

In other words, what the hell, Katy Perry?? 

Rihanna

She looks like the official spokesperson of Halloween. She's also one lift of her arms away from exposing both her bare breasts, as that top has no underwire and is just laying on her body. Riri, I love you girl, and I'm all for your bold choices, but this is a mess. Send that top back to an NFL cheerleader where it belongs. 

Lady Gaga

And speaking of underboob, WOW. She's really carrying that whole "shoulderpads only" thing from the Superbowl into her schtick. And if anyone gets too close, she can just shoot them with one of the poison darts on her forearms. 

Solange

Well this is pretty fabulous. Giving me "under the sea" vibes. Next. 

Demi Lovato

Somebody please wake me up with the naked dress trend is over. I feel like my eyeballs are rotting. It's been three years of this stuff. I mean, your bod looks great, but I'm distracted by the dark spot in your crotch where your bodysuit ends. And I don't think "I'm distracted by the dark spot in your crotch," was the reaction you were hoping for. 

Cee Lo Green

Taraji P. Henson

I think we should just all agree to pretend this never happened. Taraji honestly doesn't even look like she knows where she is. We know you are much too fabulous for this cheap looking, too-tight thing, girl. We'll keep walking and we'll never speak of this again.

Chrissy Teigen 

Like I said, wake me up when this is over. 

Andra Day

I have no idea who Andra Day is, but this is some serious old lady styling. Starting with the random flowers in her hair, I'm getting Phaedra from Real Housewives of Atlanta at her baby shower (anyone? anyone??), followed by a sherbet colored dress that makes me want some ice cream, and then some slippers everyone's grandmother has. Her head screams Priscilla Presley but her feet scream, "Murder She Wrote!" 

Lea Michele

Shhhhhhhhhhhh. Everybody lower your voices. Don't look directly at her. This is a Lea Michele, and it's really a treat that we get to see one today. They're very rare. Normally, Lea Micheles wear lots and lots of makeup and have sex hair, but it seems today we've found one that is going for a natural look. Without her makeup, she's very vulnerable and frightened, so no sudden movement. You can take pictures, but make sure there isn't a flash. She also seems to be unaware that her dress is see-through and her black underwear is pretty prominent. Good, everyone. Now, walk away slowly...

Charli XCX

🎶 You’ll love David’s Bridal! 🎶

Halsey

...P!nk? Is that you? 

Erika Jayne

QUEEEEEEEEN. I love her so so so so so much. I'm not even mad that she's yet another person wearing a Balmain dress with a topknot. I don't care. LOVE YOU GIRL CAN'T WAIT 'TIL THE RECORD DROPS!! 

Kristen Cavallari's Sternum

That's all. 

Giuliana Rancic

Can't decide if she wants to be a saloon girl or Kim Kardashian. And neither is working. 

Enya

That's right, ENYA's ass is still around. Why did I think she'd be a lot younger than this? Mother of the bride. Who also wore white and now the bride hates her. Sail away, Enya. 

Joy Villa

Let's hope whoever this is is making an ironic political statement? This is hideous. 

And to close with some truly crazy:

Girl Crush

No idea who this is but I appreciate the fact that she WENT FOR IT. Even her bag has gumballs on it. Get it, weirdo. You are the reason this is fun. 

Also, 

Bow. 

Down. 

Bitches. 

5 Things: Valentine's Gifts from the Heart

I don't know about you, but Valentine's Day is a little like New Year's Eve to me - lots and lots of expectation for a reason no one really knows. I love the opportunity to tell people i love them, but I loathe the cheesy card/teddy bear/dozen roses cliché. It's just not my style. 

Jordan's and my Valentine's tradition is to write each other a letter, then spend the evening gorging on pizza, champagne, and playing board games. It sounds a little trashy, but it gives us the opportunity to enjoy spending the day with each other without getting wound up in the gift-getting part of things. (It's also because both our birthdays are in January, so the idea of doing a gift per month for three months in a row is a little excessive. Ha!) 

So, in that vein, here are some ideas for the sweetheart in your life that won't break the bank and didn't come from the Hallmark section of the grocery  store: 

1. 52 reasons. 

This idea actually comes from something I saw my brother's girlfriend do for him a few years ago. It's THE CUTEST and so thoughtful! You write a reason on the back of each of 52 playing cards, then bind them together by hole-punching each card as you go. Your Valentine is left with a handmade booklet personalized by you. It's so sweet. 

2. Cook a meal. 

My mom's kitchen as she cooked our New Year's meal three years ago.

I mean, this one's a no-brainer, right?? Cooking for anyone is so romantic and such a labor of love - especially cooking something you don't particularly enjoy eating yourself. The other night, I made Jordan a bone-in ribeye because he is a steak person occasionally and I am a steak person absolutely NEVER. I think he appreciated that meal more than most I've cooked because he knew that I'd gone so far out of my way to do something he enjoyed. If cooking isn't in your comfort zone, branch out and give it a shot - more than ever, there are easy, healthy recipes all over the Internet. 

3. Plan an experience together. 

One of my favorite "experiences" with Jordan - wine tasting! 

Of course, this experience could be expensive (you could choose a concert or a trip), but it could also be something as simple as planning an entire day of activities for you and your sweetheart. Maybe you wake up, eat a diner breakfast, pack a lunch, go on a hike, have a picnic, sneak a glass of wine, come home, play a board game, and watch movies by the fire. IDEAL. The point is, you've put thought into what the recipient would enjoy doing and taken the "Well, what should we do now?" out of the equation. After all, you remember the memories you make, not what the other person spends.

4. Write a letter. 

Confession: I am a letter hoarder. If you've EVER written me a letter (or even a note in middle school, I'm sorry to admit), I probably still have it in a box in my basement. Jordan regularly threatens to put them all in a yard sale because they take up so much space, but I can't part with them! Something about the placement of pen on paper is so romantic to me, even if it's not a love letter. Writing a letter to your Valentine, whether it's platonic or filled with gooey sentiments, is a timeless gift. The act of sitting down and creating mental space in order to put your thoughts on a page is so thoughtful and special, this one is a knockout gift every time. 

5. Sweeten the deal. 

Photo c/o my fabulous friend Caroline, the pastry chef who made these. 

Okay, I know I already listed "cook a meal" as one of them, but come on. We have to talk about dessert. Hand-rolled truffles are some of the most fun (and messiest) things to attempt, especially with a friend or partner. It's worth a shot. In the end, even if your truffles look like they were made by a hyena, they'll still taste great and you'll both be covered in chocolate. If that's not a win, I don't know what is. 

However you celebrate, I hope you jam-pack your Valentine's Day with extra gratefulness for the loves in your life, whether they're romantic loves, Galentines, buddies, or sweet members of your family. You're certainly one of mine, reader! 

XO. 

Lyra and Jane's Cauliflower Soup.

I don't know about where you are, but it's been grey and drizzly here for the last couple of days. Cue the soup! 

Jordan and I have been in a little bit of a recipe rut - we make more or less the same meals over and over. Luckily, I have a friend whose blog addresses just such a hiccup! 

Enter Norma Boyd Powell!

Photos c/o lyraandjane.com

I know. The cutest. 

Norma is a precious friend of mine who I met through Alabama's Junior Miss (it's a scholarship program, not a pageant, okay?). Her beautiful blog, Lyra and Jane, shares lots of fun things, but the recipes are unquestionably a highlight. Because she's a registered dietitian, Norma is always conscious of the ingredients that make it to the plate and is great about creating balanced, nutritious, and insanely tasty meals. Other recipes of hers we've used: Chicken Sausage Broccoli Orecchiette, One Dish Taco Skillet, and the best Cookie Bars you'll ever try. (Spoiler alert: they're made with garbanzo beans. RIGHT?? Who thinks of that? Norma. That's who.)

We made her cauliflower soup last night (accompanied by bacon grilled cheese because we're a little #fatter than the Powells) and Jordan went back for seconds AND thirds. That's right: a grown man couldn't get enough of a totally meat-free soup Hi! That's pretty dang good.  

Click the dreamy photo below to find the full recipe on lyraandjane.com. It is an absolute knockout. 

Photo and recipe c/o lyraandjane.com. 

Week 6.

Okay so last week's episode began with the battle of Corinne vs. Taylor. This week is also beginning that way. CAN TAYLOR LEAVE ALREADY? 

PART -I (Also known as last week's pre-rose ceremony): 

• Oh RIGHT I forgot that crazy ass Taylor let those swamp people rub oil on her and now we have to find out why. 

• Man she's walkin' with a purpose, huh? Looks like me when someone says, "Pizza!" 

• Taylor interrupts Corinne and Nick's meal and, like the weasel he is, Nick leaves his current date to go hang out with another girl.

• ...I don't think he's really concerned with whether you're taking this anymore, Taylor. Thankfully, the option for you to take or not to take this has  been removed from the table! 

• ...wait, that's it?? We STILL DON'T KNOW WHY SHE GOT RUBBED DOWN? She didn't even put a hex on him or anything?! 
• RIP Taylor. You were really annoying and now you're trying to make yourself a martyr to get rid of Corinne. 

PART I: Rose ceremony. 

• Harrison comes in and drops the bomb: NO COCKTAIL PARTY FOR YOU. 

• Dolphinshark knows she's headed home. 
• So: Josephine, Jasmine, and Jamie are gone, maybe? 

• VANESSA. WHO WEARS A BRA WITH A SPAGHETTI STRAP DRESS. 
• Good grief, someone please call the fashion police. 
• I'm so distracted by that flagrant bra that I'm not even paying attention. Okay who went home? 
• Josephine, Dolphinshark (NOOOOO!), and Jaime? 
• Wow Jasmine is STILL HERE. They have had exactly 0 meaningful conversations that we've gotten to see. WTF.
• At least Josephine can get back to her cats.
• It was beautiful while it lasted, Dolphinshark. We loved you the most. CUE THE SARAH MCLACHLAN. 

Masterfully done by Darren Kusmirek.

PART II - One-on-one. 

• Did these girls not get the memo from that last haunted house date?? DON'T WEAR JEANS AND WHITE TOPS. Everyone does that. 

• You fools look like you're in a girl band. 
• But Rachel, my queen, looks perfect. 
• Okay. Kristina gets the date. Interesting, interesting. 

• I think that Kristina interests Nick not because she's multifaceted, but actually he enjoys congratulating himself that he'd be interested in a multifaceted girl. I mean LOOK at how smug he is. 
• "She has a sister in Russia. Does that make me look cool or WHAT??" 

• WAIT. 
• STOP. 
• Is he wearing a Livestrong bracelet?!?! 

Meanwhile, back at the Marriott: 

• ABC, this is low, even for you. You plant a "nanny" to give Corinne even more storyline?? 

• Oh no she's really doing things for her. Oh no oh no. 
• WHY WOULD ABC THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE AN OLDER BLACK WOMAN SERVE A YOUNG SPOILED WHITE GIRL?! Have you no idea how this looks, you idiots?? 

• My husband literally took one look at this and said, "Oh, GOD. No WAY." 
• Dear ABC,
  This was very bad. You are stupid and, as usual, at least vaguely racist. This time it wasn't even vague.
  Sincerely, Everyone. 

Back on the date...

• Kristina tells Nick, no exaggeration, one of the most gut-wrenching stories I've ever heard. 
• Okay this Kristina stuff is absolutely the heaviest and most inspiring thing I've ever heard on this show. Holy HELL. 

• I was kind of crying through this whole thing. 

• Yes, would be. But you won't be, because you'll cut her loose in 2 weeks because she's too complicated for you. 
• RUN, KRISTINA. 

PART III - Group date. 

• Man they are really covering a lot of ground tonight! I'm here for it. 
• Okay y'all I have a hot take. 

• I don't like Vanessa. 

• I don't know!! I just don't care for her. She's a little too much. I think she'll reveal more of her hand and you'll agree with me eventually.
• This group date is just them all getting hammered. 

• ...while you creepily stand in the bushes and watch?? 

• Sometimes I like to remember what these folks do in the real world: 

• HahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah ya were. And now? You're playin' drunk volleyball for a weasel.
• Also why is everyone's bathing suit so weird and complicated? Danielle's was woven by a spider and Corinne's has 85 extra straps. 

• Then, the most amazing thing happens.
• All the women start to melt down because they're drunk enough to objectively realize how stupid this. 

• I totally totally totally totally totally agree with you, Rachel. Why the hell are these grown women playing volleyball "for" him?? This was so indecent and antifeminist. 
• This was so ridiculous. Everyone's wasted, you forced them to play volleyball while you watched like the creepy next door neighbor, and now they're all realizing how dumb that was. 
• I love this so much. This was stupid and it just blew up in his face. 

Later, at the afterparty...

• First of all, let's just assume everyone had a nice long nap. Because #probably. You can't daydrink like that without consequences, people. 
• Rachel has fabulous clothes. I want to switch wardrobes with her. 
• She tells Nick that it was almost curtains for him today, and he's all, "But please don't go home, that would make me sad."

• "Which is why I'm having...gas pains." Is probably how that sentence ended. 
• Anyway, the real drama is that Jasmine has officially come unhinged and she is DONE WITH THIS. 
• Everybody wave goodbye as she spirals into her doom!

• Nick and Jasmine finally get some alone time together and she is primed. Ready. Jasmine did NOT have a nap earlier. 

• Uh oh. Here come the tears. 

• Oh, no.
• Oh, NO. We went from tears to her miming choking him not once but THRICE.
• Oh that was extremely hard to watch. 
• Gah is this whole episode supposed to make me feel so damn uncomfortable? Where is the frippery?? Where are the fun, stupid dates?! 
• Anyway, as I said earlier, bye Jasmine!

PART IV: Two-on-one. 

• One thing I'll say about Nick is that he is not kidding around. We've already lost four girls in one episode and it looks like we're at least due to lose one more. 
• Okay. Tits vs. Whits. 

• What is gonna happen??? I think Tits is definitely headed to Sex Island (AKA Fantasy Suites). 
• Tits is adorable and we don't know a single damn thing about Whitney. 
• That is some VERY intense contouring for a day at the beach. 

• He keeps rubbing her leg in this upsetting way:

• Here's how this conversation goes: 
  Him: How are you feeling? 
  Her: Fine I guess but this whole thing is super weird but I'm gonna pretend it isn't. 
  Him: *Pretends to listen while groping her leg*
  Her: So...yeah. 
  Him: Totally. 
  AND SCENE! 
• Then he goes to visit Tits' part of the island.

• She's talking, but he's thinking: 

• So after 5 minutes with Tits he's like, "Okay yeah bye Whitney." 

• ...but still Tits doesn't have a rose?? Weird. 
• Then Nick 'n' Tits have some din din. 

• ...what?? So you're love adjacent adjacent? 
• What's the matter with him? Does he feel like he wants to send her home? Because he's acting constipated.

• I mean it might as well have been as simple as that. 
• Him: What flavors of ice cream do you like? 
  Her: Vanilla. Butter pecan. 
  Him: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. 
  Her: What about you?
  Him: Superman with sprinkles BYE.

• He is absolutely a stone cold psycho for letting her get through this whole conversation and still OBVIOUSLY about to send her home. 
• This is terrible. 

• AT LEAST PUT THE ROSE DOWN WHILE YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH HER.
• ASSHAT
• Then he goes back looking for some comfort. 

• "I just really want to be honest with you guys and tell you that I'm basically fearful for every single relationship. I'm worried that it's going to work out with none of you. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Anyway, good talk." 
• Sorry your life is so tough, Nicholas. Maybe stop throwing away quality girls and act less like a sewer rat. 
• Although obviously #teamRachel forever, though I can't decide if that means I'd rather her win or I'd rather her escape with her life. 
• He knocked out a whole MESS of girls tonight: 

At least we have this to look forward to next week:

• In the meantime, please bow your heads for a moment of silence.
• 🎶 I will remember youuuuuuuu 🎶