Week 9: SEX ISLAND.

This episode was deemed "Sex Island" by my husband last year when he asked me what the premise of the particular series of dates is. 

"Oh," I replied. "This is the episode where the Bachelor/Bachelorette gets to sleep with all the remaining cast members." 

"...what??" 

"Yeah." 

"So it's basically just like...an island of sex? Sex Island?" 

"Yep." 

"...this is a terrible TV show." 

Part Last Week.

• Clearly he knew this was happening. This is such a stupid facade. 

• Get it, you guys?? Because this is going to be The Most Dramatic Conversation In Bachelor History. 

• Oh just kidding it's going to be pretty uninteresting and not that deep.
• Can someone explain to me why Andi is acting like she's such hot shit? Like she's doing a lot of "look how adorable I am" nose-wrinkling/eyebrow-raising/growly-voice-talking. 
• Andi, this is mean, but you are not a big deal. You weren't a very popular Bachelorette and you picked a cro magnon with four brain cells to rub together. 

• Meanwhile all the other girls line up and wait in the arctic temps. 

• I'm about to tell you suckers something RIGHT NOW - Rachel better not get dragged to Sex Island and then dumped. 
• He better dump her right now if he's gonna do it. 
• SO I think we have two outcomes here: Hoxie goes home or Rachel goes home.
• Back to this insipid dribble:

• HOW IS THIS AN OKAY CONVERSATION TO HAVE?! 
• I hope that whoever he picked in the end is watching this episode and whacking him over the head with a magazine for discussing their sexual relationship with HIS EX GIRLFRIEND ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. 
• Blah blah blah Andi basically says, "You're entitled to boink whoever you want, don't hold back, do your thing," and concludes with: 

• ...

• Finally Andi leaves and Nick goes to the rose ceremony. 

• RAVEN GETS IN?? 
• CANNOT BELIEVE Hoxie got a rose first. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! 

• RACHEL TOO????  HOLY WOW what is happening
• Who's going home?!?! 
• Wait
• No.
• NO.
• CORN
• NO
• NO CORN
• NO CORN PLEASE STAY

• I'm devastated
• I can't go on 

• Please notice Raven and Rachel hugging and Vanessa...not hugging. Because Vanessa is the WORST. 
• Nick walks Corinne out with a heart-wrenching conversation: 

• Corn gets into the limo and talks about how she's done "kissing up" to men and from now on, she's just gonna let the mens come to her. 
• And then closes with this perfect line: 

• And, just as mysteriously as she arrived, she was gone. 
• You were my girl, Corn. I'll never forget you. 

PART I: The Case of the Missing Orgasm

• "Raven's so great, Raven's right for me, blah blah blah." I am honestly shocked that she's made it this far. NEVER would've pegged it. 

• Can we all just turn this off and go to Finland?? This place looks magical. 

• They chat about hometowns, about reindeer, about snow, or something...I'm not really listening at this point because I'm still mourning Corn. #courning 

• I'm going to just roll right through that one, Nick. 
• What's shocking to me about Hoxie still being here is not just that Nick still likes her, but that I like her. A lot. 

• But for real, she's adorable. 
• I honestly can't believe how candid she's being about all of this stuff. 

• Did you really need to make her spell it out, Nick?? 
• Okay we're all nervous. Good deal. NEXT.

• Let's all go find this guy she dated and beat him to death. 

• DON'T BRING YOUR DAD INTO THIS, DAMMIT! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

• She's so nervous to tell him this - Hoxie, you rascal. You're makin' me love you. 

• Well that was extremely genuine and precious and now Hoxie is my front-runner. Because I loathe Vanessa And obvi Rachel doesn't win. 
• Fantasy suite card comes out and Raven has two reminders: 

• But seriously, how is this actually being discussed on TV, you guys?? How. How. How. HOW. How. Somebody tell me. 
• Remember how I said we should all go find the ex-boyfriend and beat him to death? Well...I think she just took care of it. That guy ain't gettin' NO dates.
• And that's where we leave things. 
• Oh, nope. Wait. I lied. THIS is where we leave things: 

Next week we find out what happens with Raven (I predict the euphemism "fireworks" will be used at least twice) and whether or not Nick is the dirtbag who sleeps with Rachel and then cuts her. 

This was a stupid one-hour episode. I hate you, Chris Harrison.

And also the Women Tell All. Which is basically going to just be a Corinne v. Taylor showdown. And we all know whose team I'm on. 

Fetch or Wretch: The Oscars

Normally I just go straight into fashion commentary, but I have to say a few things about last night's Oscars: 

1. After weeks (months, really) of depressing, upsetting news, this awards show was feel-good moment after feel-good moment. No sarcasm. 
2. #oscarssowhite is officially a thing of the past. 
3. Jimmy Kimmel did a fantastic job. 
4. What happened with Best Picture? That was real crazy. 
5. There were so many metallic dresses on the red carpet that my eyes started to bleed a little bit. 

Okay, let's get on with it. To be honest, the red carpet was not nearly as polarized it typically is, with a wide chasm between "fetch" and "wretch." Last night, it was more "fetch" and "less fetch," with a few bonus categories near the bottom.
 

FETCH:

Jessica Biel

I have minor quibbles with the dress (the distressed detailing on a metallic gown is weird to me), but overall, I think this is a knockout look. Jessica Biel usually doesn't strike the right chord when it comes to fashion-y things, but she has a killer face AND bod, so I always wonder how she manages to get it so wrong. Hair, makeup, everything - good job, girl. 

Emma Stone

I was on the fence about this until I saw her walk in it and figured out that the entire bottom half is fringe. I thought this was perfect for so many reasons: it fits her like a dream, the head styling is perfection, she's dressed like the award she eventually won, and she's doing it all while giving a nod to the old Hollywood glam of the movie she starred in. Get it. 

Janelle Monae

I mean, capital D A M N. I LOVE this dress so much. I love that she looks like a Roman gladiator space princess. I love that she is posing like her life depends on it. I love that she stayed true to her black and white style while adding just the slightest bit of metallic color. I love that it was the only "moment" on the red carpet last night, as everyone else's dress was #typical. Thank you, Janelle, for allllllll of this dress. 

Nicole Kidman

This almost doesn't work because it's exactly her skin tone, but this is another one that after I saw her move in it, I changed my opinion. A bold red lip was the way to go to make sure it didn't wash her out completely, and the dress itself is delicate and gorgeous. It wouldn't have killed me if she had a tiny bit of a tan, but as a fellow pale girl/vampire skin, I get it. 

Ruth Negga

Apparently this is unpopular, but I loved this look. First of all, the fit is gorgeous and Ruth has been wearing unusual gown after unusual gown this awards season, which I love. Secondly, the color offsets the ACLU ribbon placed prominently on her chest, which I'm sure isn't an accident. Love the hair, love the dark lip. 

The Rock

Blue *clap* velvet *clap* blazer. If THE ROCK can find a jacket (and by find, I obviously mean "have made") tailored to absolute perfection, then no man on this planet ever has an excuse for ill-fitting clothing again. Mmkay? Bye! 

Leslie Mann

People were hating hard on Leslie Mann for having a "Belle" moment, but...this is the Oscars?? This is the very place to have whatever "moment" you want. I think she looks fabulous and that this dress was made even more adorable when she was enthusiastically fan-girling over JT in the opening number.  

Viola Davis

BAM. That is all. 

Ava Duvernay

Not originally on my list, but the more I looked at this, the more I liked it. Lace is a huge trend that's been all over the runways at fashion week, and I really like this icy gray color. Not to mention it fits her perfectly. 

All right. Line up the poor souls who didn't quite nail it. 
 

LESS FETCH:

Brie Larson

This made lots of people's Best Dressed lists, but I just can't. This isn't the best photo, but the dress has a huge flounce in front that kind of takes over when she walks. It looks like she's being slowly eaten by her dress. And if that's the case, she's gonna spend her last night on earth with really bad hair. If she was going for old Hollywood waves, then she should've brightened up the color or made the style more dramatic. As it is, she looks like she just got out of the pool and let it air dry. 

Octavia Spencer

This one was another source of major debate in my head. I LOVE Octavia Spencer (duh, who doesn't?), but this dress is just too...avian. The top is fine, neckline is pretty, but then you get to the bottom and it's just FEATHERS!!!! Or, if I'm being less generous, I'd say it looks like a pattern of bacteria slowly streaking across a petri dish. Color is great and she loved it which made it work on the red carpet, but...nope. 

Ryan Gosling's Shirt

For your convenience, I have blacked out his head, since, as we all know, it's impossible to look at Ryan Gosling and say anything bad about him. Just focus on the shirt. I get it, retro, blah blah blah, but...nah. The rest of the tux fits like a dream, so it's really a shame. Also, he's clenching that fist pretty hard...maybe he hates it, too? 

Taraji P. Henson

Man I really didn't mean to be dragging the stars of one of the best movies of the year, but...gotta keep on. Taraji is violating the old rule of "either boobs or legs, but not both." The whole thing just reads as tacky to me, and she normally nails it on the style front. Lately, though, her choices have looked so cheap and underwhelming. Did you get a new stylist, girl? Tell us the truth! We'll help you! The velvet was on point but the rest of this is too try-hard, which Taraji P. Henson certainly does NOT need to do. She's fabulous already - but this overtakes even her best "face."

Keith Urban's Highlights

Once again, for your convenience, I've removed Keith Urban's extremely likable face from the equation. Look at Nicole, and then look at that haircut next to her. You guys. Come on. WHEN is he going to get rid of the 90's chunky highlights and the mom mullet? This looks like what Kate Gosselin would've done had she been a musician. KEITH CAN YA HEAR ME? Time to move it along. "You'll Think Of Me" has taken on new meaning. I'll think of you, all right. Think of you haunting my nightmares with a head from 1994.

Naomie Harris

Yet another MAJOR internal struggle for me, so I'll just tell you what I loved and hated about it. I loved the color, the material (sequins), the head styling, and the jewelry. Didn't love the shoes or the fact that the bralette being separate from the skirt really skews her proportions in an unflattering way. It almost looks like the top is too small, even though it isn't - it's just tricks of the eye because the bottom half is so heavy relative to the top. This looks like a pageant dress to me, not an Oscar gown. 

Alicia Vikander's Spray Tan (and dress) 

What, what, what are you doing. First of all, the dress is bad. I am opposed, 100% of the time, to a pickup skirt or a tiered skirt. I HATE them. I think it's such a lazy design element and it looks really dated. That being said, WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS SHE SO ORANGE. And if you don't think she looks that bad...

Exactly. 

Charlize Theron

I may be in the minority here, but I hated this. Earrings were amazing, but the dress gave her a pin head. 

Kelly Ripa

...giant butterflies have landed on her dress. Need we carry on? 

Now for a little extra fun! 

Who wore it best? 

Michelle Williams v. Emma Roberts:

TBH I'm not wild about either of these dresses. Emma Roberts' neckline is super wide and I don't love that, but the details on that gown just beat her competitor. I love the lace detailing in the bodice. Michelle Williams' gown just looks a bit frumpy to me, especially when she usually tailors and fits her gowns within an inch of their lives. Disappointing, especially for someone nominated in a major category. 

Ruth Negga v. Ginnifer Goodwin

I don't even think this is a contest. Ginnifer Goodwin's gown is too "prairie." Also yikes, showing up to an awards show in essentially a worse version of the dress a major category nominee is wearing. 

Special commentary:

Halle Berry

That dress is a mess. That hair is fabulous. But THE BITCH. DOESN'T. AGE. Halle, please lead us to the fountain of youth. 

Dakota Johnson

If she had done without that weird front seashell-shaped panel (try saying that three times fast), it would've been a 10. Well...and if she'd steamed it, it would've been a 10. 

Hailee Steinfeld

Everybody's freaking out over this and I just don't care. Is that mean? It's just like...translucent grandma bedsheets. 

Isabelle Huppert

Girl, I GUESS so. 

Meryl Streep

She didn't wear her granny glasses on the red carpet, so that's about all we can ask. It's Mother of the Bride in every way, but it's also #meryl. Who got a standing ovation in the first 10 minutes of the show for no real reason. Because YES. 

5 Times "This Is Us" Made Me Cry.

(Obviously there are spoilers below, so don't read if you don't want to know!) 

Okay, people. Are you watching This Is Us on NBC? Because I wasn't until a sweet friend of mine said, "Mary Catherine, you really need to be watching this show." And so I did. And then I was hooked. 

And then I was sobbing at every episode. This is a picture of me after watching this week's show: 

A photo I sent my friend who asked me if I'd finished the episode yet. 

Sobbing is an overstatement - "crying" at every episode is more accurate. Sobbing is what I did this most recent episode. 

Here are the Top 5 moments that have absolutely mowed me over. 

1. Dr. K's speech to Jack after they lose the third baby: 

In its first episode, this show delivered not only a completely gut-wrenching storyline, but a flashback overlap that we didn't get to understand until the very end. This speech, though, was the first of many times I'd cry watching this show. Such good acting and great writing. 

2. Kevin Shares His Painting

TBH, Kevin doesn't really make me weepy that often. But this speech about how we're all always here -- before we're born and after we're gone -- twisted my insides up. So precious and really well-delivered. 

3. Jack Pledges to Be There

Um, yeah. Touching for so many reasons - because Jack and Rebecca finally realize that Randall needs the influence of the black community and that they can't provide that; because of Jack's commitment to his kids; because of this mistake Rebecca eventually makes in depriving Randall of William. It's a great illustration into how much our parents love us, and, within that love, all the great decisions and wrong turns they can make. 

4. Randall Breaks Down

Sterling K. Brown is one of my new favorite actors. This Is Us and The People vs. OJ Simpson have shown such insane range for what this actor can do in the ways of both drama and comedy. This scene where Randall finally breaks down after weeks of carrying his family, his father, and his business is so powerful. (Kevin's fine and all, but Sterling is the star.) 

5. William's Death.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!!? SOBBING. SOBBING. Ugly crying. Scared-my-dog crying. I absolutely loved that the show treated this episode as a capsule episode, meaning we didn't check in with the other characters at all and that you didn't have to have any context to watch/understand it. Som SERIOUSLY fine acting, direction, and writing from the folks at NBC. Was expecting to delicately shed a tear. Instead, I was a complete and total mess. AND THEN THE DUCKS WALKED BY.

Did I leave anything out?? What are your favorites? 

Fictional Females I Idolized.

Other children were "play outside" people. I was a "watch the same TV shows and movies 100 times until they're seared into my brain" person. And because of that, I had a set of role models that lived in the fictional realm of entertainment, but who also rubbed off on me in very specific ways. 

1. Carrie Bradshaw
Sex and the City

I think this one is a bit of a no-brainer if you've met me before. Carrie (and moreso SJP, but since we're talking about fictional people) was a huge cornerstone of high school for me. I wore flower brooches to school, pearls stacked on top of each other, and, in one less fortunate instance, fishnets. (You read that right). I have a horseshoe necklace and a nameplate necklace. I've used photos of her for multiple hair color inspiration pieces. But it wasn't just about the style - it was her general wittiness, willingness to fail, romantic sensibilities, her ability to step outside herself and observe life as a writer. I think maybe more than anything else, it was the importance she placed on her friendships with women, which I did then and continue to do today. 

Of course, watching Sex and the City as an adult is a very different experience. Carrie comes off as a little strident, a little immature, and a little promiscuous to my 28-year-old eyes. But her spunk, spirit, and commitment to writing (and her clothes, naturally) have stayed with me. 

2. Carol Connelly
As Good As It Gets

Oh my gosh, who doesn't love Helen Hunt as this fabulous woman? I loved Carol for so many reasons, but I think chief among them was how honest she was on all planes of her life. If you haven't seen this movie, you should remedy that ASAP, but to brief you: her son is chronically ill, she lives with her mother, works as a waitress, and is fixated on by a man twenty years her senior who has debilitating OCD. Sounds like a dream life, right? 

Something about this woman really got into my bones. I am not a particularly bold person when it comes to saying what I mean right in the moment I mean it, especially if it's unpopular or hard to hear. Carol doesn't care about such things, and that's what makes her so fabulous. She is still an aspirational character for me. 

3. Maggie Carpenter
Runaway Bride

The killer combo of "knows how to fix a leaky faucet" and "is Julia Roberts beautiful" is hard to beat. This movie, like many others, taught me a lot about myself. Maggie cares about a fairy-tale ending more than actually being true to her own feelings (something I can identify with strongly as someone who has Kodak Moment Syndrome). Though this is a romantic comedy and isn't necessarily Best Picture-worthy, Maggie's journey to self-discovery in this movie (marked by finally deciding how she likes her eggs cooked) helped me figure out what of my personality was a show, and what was the real deal. 

4. Anna Reilly
Keeping the Faith

Maybe a lesser-known character in the canon of fantastic fictional females, this is another movie you should see. Part of my fixation on her springs from the fact that this was a movie I watched on a loop with two of my dearest guy friends in middle school, but a bigger part was that Anna Reilly was a ball-busting career woman who knew exactly what she wanted. In the same way that Carol Connelly is aspirational for me, Anna Reilly pulls no punches and still manages to be beautiful, sexy, smart, and fun. (Go watch this movie if you haven't seen it. It's fantastic.) 

Who are yours?? Am I crazy and weird that I love these not real people?? Help me feel better. 

Week 8: HOMETOWNS.

Okay y'all, a few burning questions before we kick off this episode: 

1. When the hell does Rachel go home??
2. How horrible/amazing is Corinne's family going to be? 
3. Will Nick have to go muddin' with Raven in Hoxie? 
4. ...who's the other one? I don't even remember. Oh yeah. Vanessa. Yawn. 

Let's get to gettin'. 

PART LAST WEEK

• Nick shows up with four roses to take the pressure off. 
• Meaning Rachel still sticks around. What are you doing, ABC??

• STOP CRYING. 

• This whole "casual rose ceremony" thing is cute and everything but more cute in a way that your 12 year old little brother takes a flower for every girl in his homeroom for Valentine's. He just looks so damn pleased with himself. 

• I wouldn't put it past him to just make up a rule that he also gets to take all these women to the Fantasy Suite.
• "And for you four beautiful women, I'd like to just go ahead and extend this rose to Sex Island. You're all getting to come to bed with me!!!"  

• Okay so my dream scenario is that Rachel and Corinne are going to be the final two, and Rachel goes home (obviously), and Corinne wins. PLEASE GOD let #corn win.

PART I:  Home sweet HOXIE. 

• Oh my gosh. Every bit of this is already solid gold. 

• So basically this'll be a really fun date but it's also going to be the date where Nick realizes he does not fit into this girl's life AT ALL. 
• Like, the whole "country girl" thing has been cute up to now and now it's going to be like, 

• He wore plaid to the country, you guys. Adorable. 
• Raven takes him to "climb some grain bins." Whatever that means. 
• Why are they dirty already?? 

• They look like photos of children in the Dust Bowl. 

• "WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOIN'??" - Every Southern cop ever. 
• So it turns out the cop is Raven's older brother. I like it. 
• Seriously though why are they so filthy?? 

• NO. 

• NO. 

• This isn't happening. 
• Wet t-shirt contest in the swamp. 
• Do you KNOW what lives in there?? 
• Are you even aware of the bacteria??? 

• I would be so so so pissed that he just put my hair in that freakin' gangrene water. No way, no how. 

• Then they got to meet Raven's fam.

• Gotta say, I don't see the resemblance. 
• They then proceed to have the sweetest moment I've ever seen on this show. 

• Welp now I'm sobbing. 
• DAMMIT HOXIE STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU. 
• Y'all honestly this is the best hometown ever. These folks sound exactly lke the folks I grew up with. The South is the best. 
• They shouldn't end up together, but I still love it. 
• Raven fails to say I love you (probably because her mama scared her about it earlier) and that's that. I can't really even see the rest of the date through my tears. Bye, Hoxie! We loved visiting! 

PART II: Texas Forever. 

• Well, let's deliver this stillborn. 
• I'm gonna hit the highlights because we obviously already know how this turns out. 

• Nick arrives in Texas wearing his Texas Costume (a collared, starched shirt instead of a plaid one).
• Rachel tells him she has a surprise for him and they go...

• Good question. Let's watch! 

• Hahahahahahahahaha
• Later, they visit the house, where Rachel's family proves to be exactly as perfect as we thought they'd be. 

• Okay so this begs the question...WHY does Rachel go home?? She has to make it to the final two and get sent home. Has to. Because why else would she go?? 

PART III: #CORN

• Women who run up to their boyfriends and do the leg wrap gross me. Sorry. They do. I know I've done it before but even the memory of it grosses me. 
• "So today I'm gonna show Nick exactly how expensive it would be be married to me." 
• Although I guess technically this money is hers? 
• We are then treated to a montage of Corn shopping that I honestly couldn't be more delighted by: 

• Followed by a montage of Nick shopping that made me want to throw up. 

• Except for the part where Corinne is the sugar daddy in this scenario. I do love that. 

• *needle scratch*
• HOW MUCH???

• Mmkay let's just cut to Raquel. 

• This whole "Raquel is our servant" thing is not the cutest. 
• At least she's eating with them? I guess? ...I don't know. It's odd. I feel weird about it. 
• "AND NOW, THE OLIVES!!!"

• Nick exercises horrible table manners by sticking his forefinger in the bowl as he passes it. Nobody wants your finger germs, Nick.
• Dad Corn takes Corn for a talk....

• ...on her bed.
• He then shares a 15-year-old single malt scotch with Nick, but adds a couple of ice cubes. You know, to make the scotch worse!

• Nick gets Raquel's blessing and all is well. 

• #corn win.

PART IV: Canada

• ABC chose to spend a full half of the episode here, but I will not be. I'm treating Vanessa fairly. Because THAT'S WHO WE DO THINGS IN AMERICA, ya maple leaf. 
• Nick's Canada costume: white t-shirt and a sweater. 

• Vanessa takes Nick to meet her students and the interaction starts off as very touching: 

• ...and then gets really strange, as she has her adult special needs students make a scrapbook of she and her boyfriend making out in bathing suits. 

• By the way, the reciprocal of getting a scrapbook is GIVING a scrapbook. Not having them make another scrapbook. 
• Not loving this. I feel like these sweet folks are getting pimped out for the sake of reality TV. 

• I'm telling you. Didn't I tell you? Vanessa is not the one. 
• The only way this date gets interesting to me is if Justin Trudeau shows up 

• Yes, please, Justin. 
• Then we go to the houses where things get even weirder.
• I will illustrate how I think each conversation went with a closing GIF.

• The sister:

• Then, the torture continues with her dad's side of the family which is, if possible, less warm and even weirder. 
• Although we do get treated to this DELICIOUS moment: 

• Oh, sorry. That last GIF is actually MY reaction. Not how the conversation went. 
• The conversation went more like this: 

PART V: The 4-minute "deliberation" before this episode is over.

• ...apparently Andi shows up. 
• She won't be doing anything but giving him advice. Especially since she's boinking Chris Harrison (probably). This smells like a desperate publicity stunt from someone whose book got reviews like this one: 

Ouch. 

'Til next week, Bachelor Nation. You know what's coming. 

SEX ISLAND. 

The Anti-Valentine's Day Story.

Perfect for the day after Valentine's Day, as this story is not romantic at ALL - grotesque, in fact - but does eventually lead to me getting married. 

Read it here, or click the photo below.