The Bachelor: FINALE.

WHAT IS EVEN GONNA HAPPEN 

• Chris Harrison gets a round of applause that really fires him up. He's like READY TO GO, you guys. 

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• Yeah I BET you do, you smug bastard. 

• Yeah, okay, Chris. 
• Remember Ben Higgins' preacher "thinking about" whether he was going to "marry Ben and Lauren B." on camera? Yeah, me too. I stayed up late for that, Chris. Come on. 

#neverforget

• Chris is so ready for Rachel's season to start. He can smell the ratings from months away. 

Let's get cracking: 

Meeting the Families

Raven:

• Nick skipping with those Christmas children behind him will be the highlight of this episode. 

• Also is Nick's mom ever NOT crying? 
• "His family has to be so embarrassed of him." - my husband, pretending not to watch this with me. 
• Raven shows up. I am so #teamRaven it hurts my hair. 
• Then ABC uses Nick's little sister to get ratings.

• Seriously though using this child as a tool on reality TV is low. But also, expected! Because this is all terrible!
• She talks to both parents and totally charms them.

• Mom Viallis STILL CRYING. Lock it up. 
• Raven leaves. Slam dunk. 

• HAHAHAHAHA oh yeah. I'll bet he was.
• He had lots of other people beating down his door, so it's understandable that he'd be hesitant. 
• Who would hire him, lest he be seen working for them? 
• Jordan wouldn't even take this guy as a dental patient. 
• Anyway, Raven is predictably charming and adorable and the little sister loves her so much. 

Vanessa:

• SHADE.
• Vanessa shows up in...an off-the shoulder top and cargo pants? To meet the parents?? Girl, come ahhhhhhhn. That's not what you wear! 

• She's not coming off as super likable. 

• Vanessa and Nick's dad share a teary moment that seems genuine on his part and...I don't know. I guess genuine on her pare. She just BUGS, you guys. 
• Gross to me that this small child is still here being subjected to reality garbage. This show should be rated R just to keep children out of the room while we watch it. 

• I say again: how did he get so tall?? 
• Sorry, are all these people his siblings? Like, all of them? I feel like I keep seeing a new one every few minutes. How does this happen? 

• That sister is really over how much her mom cries. "It was tough," she interjects. Impatiently. I get it.  
• Well now we know where Nick gets the weepiness. 
• Let's see how he fares on the one-on-ones. 

NESSY. 

• I've never actually seen horseback riding in the snow. Serious note here, Finland is gorg. I want to go to there. 

• Oh, SHIT.
• SANTA IS HIDING IN THE WOODS. 
• NOPE. 
• NOPE. 
• I have NEVER been scared of Santa in my life until this moment. 
• Not gonna lie, I just Googled, "Do horses feel cold?" 
• They do but they're all set, guys. Don't worry. It's not inhumane for them to be out there. 
• You're welcome. 
• Stop it right now. Is Santa about to open this door? 

• NO WAY 

• Santa talks to these two kids about what they want for Christmas. 
• Just sayin', they at least could've gotten a guy with a real beard. How low budg can you be, ABC?

• Santa produces them a woodburned carving that represents happiness and fertility. So there's that. 

• And then they set it on fire. (just kidding but it really does look like that) 
• Nick essentially tells her that she's exactly like everyone he's always dated, which, surprisingly, isn't what she wants to hear! So she starts crying. Or maybe she's just crying because her hands are freezing while Nick's hands are toasty warm in some leather gloves. 

• Gosh wouldn't it be great if she was just like, "This show is stupid and I'm out." Right? Amaze. 
• Later on the "date" date...

• I am totally distracted by her eyelashes. I almost can't focus on anything they're saying. 
• Basically she's asking for affirmation but she's not grasping that this is a dating game show. 

• I don't like him but he's dropping some truth bombs. 

• At least vanessa fits right into the family in terms of weepiness. 
• Raven has cried exactly twice: her dad had cancer, and saying, "I love you" for the first time. 
• ...legit reasons. 

HOXIE

• She's just so happy and free and upbeat! 
• Vanessa is reeeeeeeal serious. 
• "My love," he calls her!! 
• Chances that I would skate on a frozen lake: probably 0. 
• They just have a lot of fun together. How could you not love Raven?? 

• What is up with his penchant for laying her down in the middle of a watery hell to make out? Like SHE DID HER HAIR, GUY. Have some respect. 
• I just really like her so much. 
• WHAT HUSKY PUPPIES?!?!?! 

• Mine too, Raven. Mine. Too. 
• Somebody get Neil Lane out here. This show is over.
• Y'all this is gonna  hurt so much if he dumps her.  

• Confession: I thought Raven was unintelligent and maybe even a lil' trashy. And I am eating my words. I think she's adorable and precious and kind and great. 
• He can actually talk to Raven about feelings. Vanessa basically forced him to pretend they were the only relationship that existed. 

How It All Ends: 

• What if it really was a Bear Den and he just got attacked by bears and that's how the show ended? 
• And the dramatic live event was the bear coming out on After The Final Rose and confessing that he did it? 

• Every Neil Lane ring: stone in a halo with diamonds all around it. 

• Every single one. 

• Okay let's just get to it. I'm not re-capping all of this "thinking whilst I stare into the snow" shots. 

• I will say, that's a great looking suit on him. He pulled it off. Nice work. 

• WIPE YOUR TEARS, geez Louise. #hegetitfromhismama 
• Okay. First limo. Who's it gonna be?? 

• Oh no. Oh no no no no no. 

• Oh this is gonna be terrible. 
• Wow. I'm heartbroken for her. 

• Nick you asshole, Kaitlyn let you go through your whole speech and you DRAGGED HER for it. Don't do the same thing to Raven. This is cruel. 

• You bastard. You are horrible for letting her get this far down the rabbit hole with you. 

• CORRECT. You have been. You awful awful person. 
• Wipe your tears and stop acting like such a damn martyr. Clean your face up you piece of shit. 
• Raven, honey, you won by not having to marry Nick Viall. 

• Damn, she's classy. I'm so impressed. 
• I'm so uninvested in this proposal I could turn it off. 
• But I won't. Obviously. 

• Get those lashes OUT OF HERE. This speech sounds so scripted and gross. 

• Blah blah blah they get engaged, it's really phony and weird-feeling.

• "Let's go do it, literally." Classy, Vanessa, as ever. 
• They deserve each other. Equally gross, equal media-whores, equally disingenuous. 

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE. 

• How dare you assume that I'm wearing Spanx, fool? I am saddled up in my yoga pants eating cookeis with NO SHAME, friend. I don't need your BODY NORMATIVE ASSUMPTIONS, CHRIS. 

• TBH, pictures say 1,000 words. So let me just include some: 

• He looks genuinely terrible. Like, rumpled, hungover, and unhappy. 
• GAH she is classy as hell. Representing the South with 100% awesomeness and swag. 
• And she's going to Paradise. God bless her.
• Here are some more pictures that tell a very compelling, if not quite as happy, story: 

• ...oh. 
• This was the most awkward conversation. Chris deserves a raise for trying to get blood from this rock, because Nick looks like a prisoner being held against his will and Vanessa seems like an insane person and also kind of a bitch on wheels. It's a trainwreck. It's painful to watch. And Harrison knows it. 
• So to try and salvage what happened this season, he decides to just start a new season in hopes that we won't remember how horrifying this was! 

• Here are the guys we met tonight: 
• Mr. Started Strong and Got Weird: 

• Mr. Started Weird and Ended Weird: 

• Mr. White Person Who Made a Joke About Race:

• And Mr. The Best Ever: 

And with that, we draw this season to a close. 

Listen, folks, let's have some real talk for a moment (with some Corinne GIFs for illustration). 

Every season when I finish recapping the finale, I think to myself, "I'm not doing this again. This is a terrible show."

And this season may have been the worst yet. The network didn't even work hard at hiding the manipulation this year. The Rachel storyline, the forced relationship between Nick and Vanessa, the obvious reason that they announced Rachel so early (because Nick and Vanessa clearly are gonna break up in 3 weeks and they needed something else for us to focus on) - it all felt pretty infantilizing and gross. 

Even as I type this, I know I'll probably be right alongside you recapping Rachel's season (because she's clearly the best ever). But let's all enter into this with our eyes open, shall we? This is a SHOW. This is editing. In some cases (like tonight between Nick and Vanessa), this is acting. So let's laugh and hang together, but not be ABC's puppets. We're better than that, people. 

Okay, Bachelor Nation. That's all I got for The Most Awkward After The Final Rose EVER. 

Until the spring, my little cheese pastas. 

Women Tell All

I have decided that I will give each girl a pass fail grade after this episode is over. And by "each girl" I mean the ones with speaking parts, not the nobodys. You understand. 

• Here's hoping. 
• Let's check in on everyone, shall we? 

• Chris Harrison quickly loses control of the conversation as the women turn on Corn.

• Poor Elizabeth. She has clearly been cooking those lines up for months and is bursting at the seams to use them. Too bad, girl. Ya burned 'em early and now you're done. 
• ...and then Taylor (who MUST think she looks cool making this face, 'cause she does it for a real long time):

• Hmm. Gonna get feisty. 
• Let's go the hotseat. Chris? 

Hotseat: LIZ.

• That back tat, you guys. It is ROUGH. 

• She keeps holding her mouth in this weird pucker-y shape. That ain't normal. 

• ...you're Jade's best friend? Of course you knew what you signed yourself up for. That is some BULLSH. 

• What exactly was that whole speech in reference to? 
• LIZ: Pass. I guess. 

Hotseat: TAYLOR

• She better show up with a lot of humility OR ELSE.

• ...because you made it about that. 

• ...help Corinne with what? Being a fan favorite? 

• Corn: out!! 

• I mean that stunt was ridiculous but I loved it clearly.
• Then this happens as my eyes roll all the way back in my head: 

• NO ONE IS MAD YOU'RE A COUNSELOR, ya dumb drag queen. 
• People are mad because you're a stuck up asshat who keeps saying, "Emotional intelligence." 
• Taylor: FAIL.

Hotseat: Corn

• Don't disappoint us. 
• Be genuine and Corny. 
• On her sexuality: 

• On taking naps:

On Taylor: 

• Then Taylor, knowing she didn't get the sympathy from the audience that she was after to begin with, turns on the tears again:

• Oh please. Get me outta here.
• On Raquel: 

Corinne: PASS. 

Hotseat: Kristina

Kristina: PASS. 

Seriously though, I'm not even going to recap this part of the show because it's too real. Every single thing about her is too good for this show: her story is too powerful, her emotions are too precious, her heart is too good. I'm not lumping her in with cheese pasta and emotional intelligence. She is beautiful and perfect. Bye. 

Hotseat: NICK

• I'm so bored through this whole portion but here it is. 
• On Corinne:

• On Kristina: 

• I thought this was great. It was kind, but it also kind of called him out about randomly sending her home. He basically went on to say that the other relationship were further along, blah blah blah, but I loved this. 
• On Tits: 

NIck: Pass, I guess. Eyeroll. 

Hotseat: RACHEL

• Has ANYONE EVER been more beloved than our girl?!?!!? 
• Gah this is satisfying to watch her be so universally adored. 
• Best moment of the night: 

• Then Nick comes out and Harrison fails to ask Rachel any questions about Nick breaking her heart, Nick dumping her out of nowhere, whether she has any resentment toward him, which is VERY un-Harrison and solidifies my theory that Rachel being The Bachelorette was the plan all along. 

THREE HOURS, people. That means about 7 hours of blogging. And we're doing it again next week. Deep breath - WE'VE GOT THIS.  

Stay tuned to see whether Rick Vile (as I like to call him) finds love or gets broken-hearted yet again. It's guaranteed to be...

THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER. 

Sex Island: Part II

So I read this thing the other day about how Vanessa sucks and is mean to everyone, and all I could think was: 

The Case of the Missing Orgasm: Part II

• Nick and Raven wake up in a tiny snowglobe. 

• "This girl's about to be screwed up forever." - My husband. 
• How great would it be if Vanessa and Rachel were just in those other huts waiting on him??

• ...did we just watch an orgasm montage?? 

PART II: Snow Angel

• Where's Waldo, you guys?

• Nailed it.
• So I guess this is the episode where Rachel goes home? 
• Seriously though, I really hope he doesn't sleep with her then send her home. I know that's always what happens on this date, but Rachel is too good to do this. 
• Rachel, adorably, cannot cross country ski. 

• They go to a reindeer petting zoo and I'm super jealous because this looks awesome. 

• After the reindeer experience, they head inside for some hot beverages and dance around telling each other they love each other. 

• A rogue, unmanned reindeer carries Nick and Rachel away in a sleigh. 

• That reindeer is all, "Makin' my way downtown..." 

• CROP TOP IN THE SNOW come on now girl. You know I'm on your side but that is just ri-damn-diculous. 
• Then the cutest moment I've ever seen happens:

• HOW is it possible that he didn't pick her?? That's THE SWEETEST moment ever. 
• Like the only way that this doesn't turn out perfectly is if she Kim Basinger's him in the fantasy suite. 

• Of. COURSE. she has on the most presh onesie I've ever seen in my life and isn't wakin' up in underwear like some 2-bit skank. 
• Damn right you will make her breakfast. She is OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, you peasant. 
• If it's Rachel who goes tonight, this is gonna hurt. But it can't be. It can't be, right? 

PART III - Canadian Bacon. 

• Now that's romantic. 
• Polar plunge, blah blah blah, seen it a million times... 
• Me and this baby sloth are so bored you guys.

• In the hot tub, Nick and Vanessa use the word "traditional" over and over.

• Nick asks Vanessa if there are things she isn't willing to compromise on and she says lunch with her family every Sunday. In Montreal. So THAT'S gonna be an expensive plane ticket. 
• Just saying Rachel and Raven got the short end of the sticks being shoved in those tiny houses while Vanessa got a full-on insulated teepee.

• They talk about how similar they are, about Canada, about America, about stubbornness, and then she says: 

• "I've been looking for someone who makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world that exists except for his two other girlfriends." 
• Also, didn't she already say, "I love you?" Am I crazy? Why is this confession a big deal? Wasn't she like the first one to say it? 
• This date's making my eyes bleed, but I just saw this photo of Dolphinshark and it made everything okay. 

• They eventually make it to the fantasy suite and and are basically a tangled jumble of ribbed sweaters: 

• And the next morning...

• OH MY GOSH SKANK DOGGY DOG. HOLY COWWWWWWWW. 
• I mean keep in mind, people, producers came into this house and said, "Can we put you guys underneath a blanket naked?" And she was like, "Yeah, cool." Gross. Pass.

PART IV: Rose ceremony.

• At least we're finally ending an episode of this show with a rose ceremony like GOD INTENDED.
• Okay y'all, hot take: I think that Hoxie's going home tonight. I know we know who wins, but I think ABC will still manage to make Rachel and Vanessa a dramatic finale. 
• Because WHY would she go home?? 

• I could start a new blog called, "Nick Viall crying." 

• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOW.
• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOWWWWWWWWW. 

• Okay so this clearly means that producers manipulated him into making this choice so that Rachel could be the first Black Bachelorette. That may sound callous to you, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that things like this happen on this show on the REG. 
• Good grief she is poised. 
• Never in my wildest did I think I'd see the day where perfect Rachel got sent home for the sake of Hoxie and Canada. 
• ...then again, this is the most completely twisted TV show. 
• Okay so my guess is this is how this went: Harrison and other producers pulled Nick and Rachel into a room and said, 
  "Listen. If you guys know right now with 100% certainty that you are perfect for each other, then fine. But if you have any doubts, Rachel, we'd like to offer you a contract as The Bachelorette on the spot. So it's your call."
• That's the only reason that breakup was so amicable and didn't result in Rachel being completely side-swiped and confused.
• In closing, this show is brain poison and we all deserve to be dumber for watching it. 
• WE LOVE YOU RACHEL. See you on The Bachelorette. 

Weekend in Tulsa!

Jordan and I just returned from a whirlwind trip to Tulsa to visit my parents. We had the most spectacular time! In a rare turn of luck, we got to attend two fabulous events back to back.

Friday night was the Memory Gala. This event, put on by the Tulsa Alzheimer's Association, was powerful in so many ways. The theme of this year's gala was "Untold Stories," highlighting the stories that we lose when our relatives and friends are crippled by a disease that really just feels so unfair. Hearing from men and women throughout the evening whose family members had been diagnosed with and/or died from Alzheimer's was an experience I'll never forget. 

Adding to the beauty of this event was the fact that my parents co-chaired it. At the end of the night, the Alzheimer's Association had raised nearly $1.4 million, and I left believing the refrain I heard echoed over and over: "Alzheimer's can be cured in our lifetimes." Jordan and I felt incredibly blessed to be part of such a special night in Tulsa, but particularly because my parents are strong examples for me of what it means to be kind and generous - stepping out of the spotlight to highlight the hard work and stories of others. 

After the seated dinner, there was a massive dance party. While I can't post any pictures (didn't have my phone on the dance floor!) I can tell you that I have  N E V E R  seen my husband dance that hard in my life. It was the absolute best. 

Here are the very few photos we took - such a pleasure to hang out with the fabulous Mary Quinn Cooper and Quinn Cooper Eves! 

Saturday night, hilariously enough, was another event in the exact same space. To see this convention center transformed in the span of 24 hours was really something. Saturday night was put on by Tulsa Cares, the local HIV/AIDS outreach organization. The party is known as the Red Ribbon Gala and is billed as one of the best parties of the year - boy, was it. 

This event was a bit more formal and we were so thrilled to have a chance to really try and turn it out! It's so rare that I get a chance to go to a black tie event now that I'm not in a sorority anymore (JK Chi Omegas, #sisterforlife, but you know what I'm sayin'), so this was an EXTRA treat. 

The evening featured powerful testimonials about stripping the stigma away from HIV/AIDS, and was beautifully chaired by Ty Kaszubowski. He and his partner, Mike, have become fast friends of my parents' and are just about the most fun you'll ever have. Here are some photos from this absolute rager that benefitted such an incredible cause: 

At the end of the night, we tried to come home and watch SNL on the DVR. Sadly, only one of us made it through that experience, as three of four passed out on the couch. We all realized the next morning that all the McAnnallys had on the same exact white PJ's from J Crew. We looked like we were in an insane asylum. 

Best weekend. Can't wait until next time!! 

Exclusive Behind the Scenes Photos of Rachel as The Bachelorette

RED ALERT, RED ALERT, CHECK IT. 

Okay so my really great friend Tammie Beassie Banko (who I will refer to as TBB from now on as it is swaggier and also what I actually call her) is a law student at SMU in Texas. 

I would like to include a transcript of our texts from a few days ago, as that will really be the better way to tell this story. I will also be redacting my horrible trucker mouth because in my real life I am a disgusting sailor. 

TBB realized that Rachel was on campus whilst she was in class. Here is what followed: 

It turns out that Rachel was filming her intro reel on campus. And finally, TBB was able to escape. THEN I got these gems: 

Anyway this was basically the best day ever. HAPPY WEEKEND!