An Ode to My Husband, The Dad-to-Be.

Yesterday, while the storms were rolling into Asheville and plummeting the temps to 50 degrees (heavenly!!), I sat on the porch and did a journaling exercise from a pregnancy book I intended to use from month one, but...forgot about. Oops. 

Anyway, the exercise was to list all my favorite qualities about my partner, and to think about how those qualities will translate into him being a parent. It also asked what qualities he will balance about ME, so that I can go ahead and start thinking about the things Jordan will be better at than I will/vice versa as a parent.  

So here's the excerpt from my journal yesterday. 

When teaching someone a new skill, he’s very patient. 
He is thorough (almost to a fault) and completes a task to the best of his ability.
He values excellence and craftsmanship over quantity.
He values family and moral uprightness over worldliness and wealth.
He is a dutiful son and sibling, and cares deeply for his family.
He is an incredibly loving and loyal son- and brother-in-law, and has become a part of the McAnnally family in a really special way.
He loves to learn and values information. He is always hungry for more knowledge.
He isn’t idle and loves to do things outside or in the woodshop - project-based.
He cultivates appreciation for new things (like cooking and baking).
He is SUPER intelligent and retains information at a high level.
He is kind and giving to people, animals who are vulnerable and can’t help themselves.
He is fun and silly and doesn’t take himself too seriously.
He is EXTREMELY witty and quick, and is always making people laugh.
He loves to play instruments and learn new songs.
He is proud and private about things that ought to be private.
He is very honorable and is a man of his word - if he promises something, he follows through.
He loves Jesus.

I'm jumping into into that third trimester (what?!) next week! So we're 2/3 of the day through this adventure, and it's impossible to overstate the difference having a supportive, loving partner who also has a great sense of humor (thank God) in the bucket seat has made. 

Yesterday, our crib was delivered. We've been piling furniture, books, and baby clothes we've been gifted into the soon-to-be nursery for months now, but the delivery of the crib was the thing that, for both of us, made this all start to click into focus in a new way. 

There's going to be an actual BABY in there. 

So I stood at the door of the nursery, sneakily snapping out-of-focus photos of my precious husband, taking stock of this empty (for now) crib. 

And I know this baby doesn't know it yet, but it won the freaking lottery. I did a good job choosing a husband, but this little one just lucked into having a dad who will be...all the things. I tried to list them out just now and just started crying, so insert your own. Any good adjective, just throw it on in there. 

Kid, you've got a hell of a dad. 

(Mary Catherine reserves the right to pen another one of these cheesy posts as the pregnancy progresses. This is just how things are right now, people. Don't come to our house if you don't wanna get covered in gooey feelings, 'cause they're contagious.) 

5 Things to Make Watching Miss America More Fun.

PEOPLE, IT'S HERE. IT'S HEEEEERE!!!! SUPERBOWL WEEKEND!!!! 

Oh man oh man oh man. I'm so excited. 

I was thinking about how to run down the contestants this year, and there really isn't a way to do that (RIP that tradition, first time in like...seven years?...that I haven't done it), so I thought I'd offer a few words of wisdom to those of you who might be tuning in more casually to The Pag on Sunday night. I mean, information makes everything better, right? 

K. 

SO. The first, and probably most important thing:

1. Miss America is NOT Miss USA. 

*clears throat* 

Listen up. No shade to my girls who've competed in that circuit (the industry term for "a different brand of pageant), but Miss America and Miss USA are very different. 

For starters, Miss America has been around since 1921, and Miss USA started in 1950. The biggest difference for our purposes, though, is that Miss USA doesn't feature a talent portion. That's the easiest way to tell them apart. Although it can certainly be argued that not all Miss America contestants have a talent that needs to be shared with the world, they have to at least try. 

Miss USA girls go on to compete in Miss Universe, while Miss America is the terminal title in that circuit - you don't get better than that. Miss USA tends to be a bit more looks-focused, while Miss America is a bit more "all-around girl." 

And yes. Until recently, Miss USA was owned by Donald Trump. So, you know...do with that what you will. 

2. Preliminaries are important.

Ever wonder how, minutes after turning on the show, we suddenly have a Top 10 in place? 

It's all based on preliminary scoring. 

So in order for us to actually have something to watch on Saturday night, the girls compete in preliminary competitions the week before the actual "big" pageant on Saturday night. This more or less means that they're having a mini-pageant Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. By Sunday night, the judges will have seen each girl compete in each area of competition (evening wear, swimsuit, on-stage question/interview, and talent). 

It's important to remember that we won't actually see every area of competition. The interview is held behind closed doors between the contestant and the panel of judges. When you see a girl who doesn't have a strong talent and think, "What the ACTUAL HELL is she doing in the Top 10?", chances are, she had a really strong interview and won the judges that way.  

The Top Ten will be derived from the girls who had the highest preliminary scores. You'll definitely see the preliminary winners in the Top 10, but you'll also see girls who scored highly across the board (even if they didn't win a prelim outright). 

3. Get to know the girls. 

You know you want to! Peruse their head shots here. 

Some names (and boy, do I mean NAMES, you guys - they must have been recruiting for these weirdo first names this year) to look out for: 

- Miss Louisiana, Laryssa Bonacquisti, who won swimsuit last night. 
- Miss Minnesota, Brianna Drevlow, talent winner last night. 
- Miss Texas, Margana Wood, who won swimsuit Friday night. 
- Miss Utah, JessiKate (no I am not kidding) Riley, who won talent Friday night. 

Other winners of note include the Quality of Life award winner, MISS ALABAMA JESSICA PROCTER (yeah she did, get it!!!). That's not a judged category, but it's a community service honor and something the judges will definitely take note of. 

I just have a feeling this year about AL, y'all. I think she might take it home. 

4. There will now be TWO on-stage questions.

For some God forsaken reason, these people can't just leave well enough alone and feel the need to add some weirdo "new and dramatic" element every year. 

It's probably because that Rat Bastard Chris Harrison is hosting now, tbh. THE MOST DRAMATIC MISS AMERICA COMPETITION IN HISTORY. Bye Chris, we have your number. 

Anyway, so THIS year, they've decided to add an extra on-stage question. Normally, we only get to see one, and it's the last area of competition (usually only the Top 5 answer). This year, there will be a "personality question" asked of seven out of the Top 10, then from those seven, 5 will move on to the final round, answering their more serious interview question before the competition is over. 

The real question is how they're going to do this. Are they gonna just make those three other girls stand up and be like, "Yeah, not you guys. But thanks!" 

They've done it before. 

5. You can and should be judging at home. 

This scoring sheet from last year is a good jumping off point, although it's going to be different this year with the addition of a second question. 

In case you're a freak like me, the breakdown of scoring goes like this: 

Composite – 25%
Swimsuit – 10%
Evening wear – 15%
Talent – 30%
Question 1 – 5%
Question 2 – 15%

(PS - "Composite" means an average of all the contestant's preliminary scores from the previous three nights of competition. That's why preliminary winners almost always make it into the Top 10 - if they won an overall category, their average score is going to be high.)

Way more fun to do this if you have friends over. My mom and I, for example, will be video chatting throughout the competition. 

What are they looking for? Wholesome, friendly, funny, smart, talented. By and large, you won't see any dumb dumbs or vulgar swimsuits/evening gowns on the Miss A stage. Take it into consideration. 

And if you're wavering, you can always ask my grandmother, who 100% of the time guesses the right Miss America like halfway through the competition. 

THERE YOU HAVE IT. I just got myself so worked up and excited that I'm practically salivating. I need to go run laps around the house. If you want to watch and follow along on Twitter, I'll be tweetin' it up @mcmcannally. I'm not responsible for what comes out of my mouth on Twitter that night - I have no control over my body or mind. 

It's The Pag. It does it to me every time. 

HAPPY JUDGING! 

Chicago by Air, Land, and Sea! And HAMILTON!

Okay y'all. Chicago is amazing. 

My amazing friend and across-the-street neighbor, Cindi, used to live in Chicago - still does part-time! - and works there, which gave us a great excuse for a little girl's getaway. 

One thing I just didn't realize about myself (and I'd wager most wives, and CERTAINLY most women who are wives and mommies have this in common with me) is that I spend a lot of time worrying about/taking care of the goings on of our household. Of course, this is completely fine with me - the arrangement in my marriage is that one of us works and one of us stays home. It's not a gender thing, it's a "the way we've worked it out" thing, so lots of this is just my jurisdiction. But the point is, lots of my mental energy is spent on worrying about whether the laundry is done and ironed; the groceries are bought and put away; the dog hair is off the floor; etc. 

I didn't worry about any of that FOR A WHOLE WEEK. Oh my gosh. Goodbye brain. I don't even think I HAD a brain. It left my body and went on a cruise. 

So here were all the things, pictures included, that scored my incredible week in Chicago with my precious friend Cindi. People, this trip was every girl's motherfrakkin dream.

WEDNESDAY: 

• After a flight delay that caused us to miss our original Tuesday evening plane, we eventually arrived in the city. 
• But not before I was introduced to God's greatest gift, the Stroopwaffel. You guys, I didn't know this existed. But it does. It DOES. Two waffle wafers with molten caramel inside that melts when you place it atop a coffee cup. Goodbye, willpower. 

• We then arrived in the most chic and fabulous condo of all time. Mmhmm. Do you wish you lived here? I know. I know. And Cindi did all the decorating herself, because she's not a real person and is insanely talented. 

• Drooling is an appropriate reaction. My own drool started with condo lust and just kept happening because of ALL THE FOOD, like this: 

• After we were stuffed up to our eyeballs, we had our nails done and took naps. I'm telling you, it was Girl Heaven, this trip was. 
• We then decided we needed to probably go outdoors and move around for some portion of the day, so we took a stroll around Maggie Daly Park. Unsurprisingly, it was extremely charming. 
• Look at all these adorable little play areas for kids! 

• After our stroll around the city, it was back to the condo for a quick jaunt to sea! Well, not sea, Lake Michigan, but you get the point. Cindi rounded up some buddies and we took to the water armed with to-go meatballs and beef sandwiches because #chicago. 
• Not a bad way to spend a Wednesday night. 

• Dream. 

Thursday. 

• We kicked off right with breakfast at a local Chicago restaurant, Hash House A Go Go, that's famous for its portion sizes. Which became clear, when they served us a bananas foster pancake the size of a pizza. 
• By the way, we had that pancake as an appetizer. At breakfast. Did I mention this was Dream Week? 

• D-voured. 
• We walked around a bit, visited Cindi's sweet mom, went back to the condo for naps, then struck out for a late afternoon coffee-and-walk run before our insanely delicious evening plans: RPM (a fab Italian restaurant) and HAMILTON. 
• DID I MENTION WE SAW HAMILTON? 
• WE SAW HAMILTON. 
• So as we approached dinner, pregnancy hit me with a nasty headache, which means I was lousy dinner company and also have no photos of our beautiful meal. But I do have pictures of us FAH-REAKING OUT on the way to the show!! 

• Maybe the most tragic outfit choice of all time for me, but y'all, I just didn't care because HAMILTON. 
• I think that experience requires a separate blog post. It was overwhelming. I have literally been singing songs from it EVERY DAY since we've been back. I wake up with the songs in my head. It's just insane. 

Friday and Saturday.

• Good morning, Chicago! 

• Fabulous Friday, we awoke and started packing the car for the next leg of our journey: a trek to Cindi's husband MIke's family cabin in Wisconsin. I kept checking cities/states off my list this trip! 
• Mike had driven up to to Chicago the day before, so we got the pleasure of Jake and Elwood's company while we were packing - those two cute little Frenchies down there. 
• On our trip, I had my first Culver's experience. Delicious, which is no surprise. #fastfoodforever #gonnafailmyglucosetest 

• Our experience over the next two days is largely undocumented because it was a largely technology-free weekend. Which was FANTASTIC. We met up with Cindi's Chicago girlfriends in Wisconsin and just lazed around. We hiked a little, ate a lot, and spent a lot of time with movies, great conversation, and lots of alcohol. 

Sunday.

• Early Sunday morning, we woke up, packed up, and headed back to Chicago. This was such a delightfully restful part of the trip, and I really enjoyed a little quiet time on the dock Sunday morning. It kind of hit me that this was the last girls' trip I'd ever have a non-mom; that every trip from here on out, I'd have to make childcare arrangements or bring that baby with me. I am SO excited to be a mom, but I'm also very conscious of bidding farewell to parts of my life that are going to change. Got a little choked up this day as I said goodbye to Wisconsin and goodbye to this chapter of life! 
• The lump in my throat didn't last long, though, because before long we were back in the city and getting hour-long massages. Because...YES. Have no photos of the spa because I was trying not to be a redneck, but it was gorgeous and we drank delicious tea and everything, everywhere was good. Turns out prenatal massages are WHERE IT'S AT.
• When we arrived back at the condo, it was time for the main event: 
• CHICAGO
• DEEP DISH
• PIZZA. 
• IN ACTUAL CHICAGO.
• So a little backstory: 
• Cindi and Mike gave our neighborhood deep dish pizzas last year for Christmas. I had never had a deep dish pizza (how this was possible, I'm not sure), but I have never taken a bite of anything and been so instantly in love. Love at first bite, if you will. So deep dish in Chicago was obviously going to be a huge part of the trip. Here are some photos of me with the pizza: 

• We watched The Founder on Netflix and passed on in a pizza and cheesecake (did I mention I'm going to fail my glucose test?) haze. Nothing has ever been sweeter. I mean, it's like 1. This deep dish, 2. My wedding day. 

And just like that, it was time to come home! Since we started with a Stroop, the only logical conclusion to the trip also had to be with a Stroop: 

Easily one of the best trips of my life. Thanks to my incredible friend Cindi for an unforgettable experience, and to ChiTown, you beautiful city - can't wait 'til next time! Thanks for showing me your very best self! 

How Pure Barre Changed My Life.

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, you guys, but I am feeling particularly emotional about my last Pure Barre class this afternoon. At noon, I'll teach my last class before taking some time off to go grow this sweet baby. 

It's definitely time - my "demo's," where the instructor shows the clients how to set up positions, are getting a little laughable with this bump in the way. The clients at our studio have been so patient with all things pregnancy, particularly with the times when I'd get a move set up and then blank out completely. "Heavy tailbone, and...huh. Hmm. OH YEAH! Okay, 2 pulses down!" Hot mess. 

That kind of grace and community is just one of the many reasons I have loved this workout. If you've been following my blog for a while, you may remember this post about me going to Pure Barre for the first time, then an update after I gave it a shot for about a month, posted here. I've been taking Pure Barre since March 2016 and teaching since August of the same year, so I've spent a lot of time in that studio. Here are my thoughts as I put the mic on for the last time (for a while, at least!) this afternoon: 

1. Pure Barre is the most effective workout I've ever done. 

Please ignore my weirdly huge left knee??

From a purely exercise-based place, all the emotion aside, I cannot say enough about these classes. My background in exercise was pretty limited in terms of what I'd tried in earnest. I grew up running (very slowly, but running), and that had always been enough. As I graduated from college, I realized that running alone wasn't going to cut it. I added in some light arms and ab work, but it was always exactly that: running for 2.5/3 miles, then arms, then abs, then I'd leave the gym. 

I'd done group classes like Zumba, pilates, and yoga, and found myself really digging the class atmosphere. I'm a person who is pushed harder by the presence of other, more in-shape people. And running was starting to get hard on my knees and shins. 

Enter: Pure Barre. I started this workout a few months after an ankle injury that prevented me from running regularly. The difference I saw in my ENTIRE BODY - arms, abs, thighs, butt, posture, strength level, endurance - took about three weeks to start and hasn't stopped yet. I don't feel like I ever plateaued, I don't feel like it ever got easy. One of the complaints I hear is that Pure Barre isn't enough cardio. I'd encourage you to attend one of the new Pure Empower classes, a 45-minute cardio-centric class that has even the instructors dripping sweat. WOOF (but in the best way).

It has changed my body, my confidence in myself, and my perception of my own strength. I'm not an Olympian, but it turns out I can work pretty hard and achieve the results I want. Who knew?? 

2. The clients are incredible. 

Cuties Cher and Mary Frances at Halloween last year!

One of the things that Pure Barre Asheville has cultivated is a ubiquitous sense of community and positivity. When you hit the door, you'll be greeted by name by anyone standing in the lobby. For me, these days, it's been, "Look at you, cute pregnant girl!! How are you feeling??" (This happens on days when I am most certainly NOT cute, so that should tell you something about the level of support these clients offer me all the time!) 

My very first time, I was so nervous. Upon entering the studio, I was greeted by the women who became my "8:30 family" (the class time I always chose) - Linda, Vanessa, and Kendra. These ladies, ranging in age from younger than me to closer to my parents' age, made me feel so welcome and right at home. I include the part about their ages to add another dimension to the wonder of Pure Barre - I know of a client we have who is 19; I know of a client who is in her 70's. And these are REGULAR clients. The same goes for size, shape, and race. We've got clients all across the board, all of whom show up and prove their inner badass every single time. We show up to work out, not to put on a fashion show, not to judge each other. It's the most supportive workout environment I've ever seen - every SINGLE time.

There is something about a group of women (although we have several male clients too, who I absolutely adore!!) banding together to lift each other up that is all too rare in this world. Girl power is a THING. The Spice Girls had it right. And Pure Barre is absolutely dripping with it.  

3. The team I teach with is next-level amazing. 

Fellow instructor Christina and me, also at Halloween last year! 

Pure Barre is hard. There's no getting around it. It's a challenge mentally and physically to push yourself beyond what you think you're capable of doing. In order to feel good and encouraged by that challenge, rather than defeated by it, you need a team of people who's going to ensure you see yourself as a dadgum fitness warrior. That's exactly what exists at PB Asheville. 

These girls are just precious and delightful and energetic and wonderful and uplifting and ALL the rest of the adjectives. It doesn't hurt that they're all knockouts, either. I mean, why not have something pretty to look at while you're sweating your vital organs out? 

I moved to Asheville with no friends or family, and have found both here. I love sitting around after class and chatting with my fellow instructors when the studio is empty and no one else is around. We've shared fears, hopes, developments in our dating lives, pregnancy stories, career moves, engagement stories, house-building excitement - it's just a really special group of people.

There is no greater gift than helping another woman realize her potential - to see it written across her face that she did it after all, even when she thought she couldn't. I've watched clients go from not being able to hold a plank position for more than 10 seconds to breezing through the 90-second plank during warmup. I've seen people struggle through a few push ups early on, then conquer those things with no problem after a couple of months. 

Pure Barre changes people's lives because it changes the way people see into themselves. One of the things you'll hear repeated on the mic from instructors is, "You're stronger than you think." 

Well, you are. 

4. Carrying this baby around is a lot easier. 

I mean, I don't even want to imagine what carrying this monster baby around would be like if I didn't have a strong core to start with, thanks to PB. 

(Probably very hard.) 

A strong body and mind going into a pregnancy is something that's helped me exponentially. Not to mention walking into a studio three-four times a week where people say, "You look great!" even if you don't FEEL great; where people are pushing themselves to be their best. It makes me word harder, sweat more, and, most importantly, keep showing up and giving it my best shot. I am not Gal Gadot by any stretch (holler at your girl who filmed parts of Wonder Woman while she was 5 months pregnant ARE YOU KIDDING ME), but I can hold a 90-second plank in my sixth month of pregnancy, damnit. And that's not half bad. 

-- 

So, for now, farewell to teaching. It is weird to close this particular chapter because I feel like this was the last thing to "go." Months ago, when I was planning out when I'd probably need to step away, this day seemed like it was years in the future. It's here, and it means that Jordan's and my life is about to start getting really different with the arrival of this little baked potato. 

I am so grateful for this year of my life I spent with a Britney Spears mic strapped to my head, ra-ra-ing our wonderful clients, cutting up with instructors, drinking a million smoothies, getting wisdom and development from our studio owner, Flavia. Pure Barre has been a gift from God to me, as have the people that inhabit that studio daily. I'll still be taking classes, of course, but for now, I'm taking a minute to be still, to be thankful, and (at noon) to go get after it one last time. 

Nothin' but love, PB.

5 Things Friday: Roundup!

Well HEEEEEY! 

Been a minute! 

I took last week off because I was traveling to Chicago, and this week - well, frankly, pregnancy just walloped me this week. So I said, "Mmkay, I'll just lie down." But things have been happening! Here are some of them: 

1. Chicago is awesome and I loved it so much. 

That's the city by boat. Right?! Gorgeousness. It wasn't a bad way to be introduced to ChiTown. 

So I'd been about ten years ago with my dad, but hadn't been back as a grown up person. I got to travel there with a girlfriend of mine who is also pregnant, which made the trip perfect in every way. When we wanted to nap? We napped. When it was time for a walk? We walked. And when it was time for an entire deep dish pizza and cheesecake? WE ATE THEM. More on this fabulous trip and allllll the incredible places I got to see next week. 

2. I am really, definitely pregnant. 

This is obviously not a cute photo as I took it in a hurry per Jordan's request to show someone at work the bump, but w/e. This is my life. And this is straight up what I look like right now. 

You may be thinking, "You don't look THAT pregnant." Yeah, I invite you to crawl into my body and walk around for a while. 

Don't get me wrong - I am EXTREMELY excited to meet this baby and have loved being pregnant. But I've crested a hill in the last 10 days or so that has made the reality of pregnancy sink in in a new way. I'm achy and feel really big - but I know that things are just gonna get bigger. Like, I have 15 weeks to go. By the end of this movie. I'll be big as a damn house. Not in a cute way. In an, "I thought Mary Catherine used to have a jawline?" way. In a, "Maybe we should avert our eyes as we pass her on the street..." way.

This is part of the game and I'm rolling with it, but I'm also realizing that lots of my self-confidence has come from being able to control what I look like. I can't control a damn thing anymore, so I'm learning to find confidence from within (like I should've been doing all along). More on this next week, too. 

3. MISS AMERICA IS NEXT WEEKEND. 

This is my SUPERBOWL. If you've been following this blog from the beginning, you saw last year's posts here and here - my annual contestant rundown. But if you've been friends with me on social media for any length of time, you've seen my completely obnoxious, Newsfeed-monopolizing commentary on every single contestant in The Pag. It's a big day for me and I'm very excited about it. 

This year, the contestant videos don't even include them talking (UGH SO LAME), so I'm not sure how we're gonna run it down prior to the show, but I'll figure it out. Either way, I'm basically peeing in my pants waiting for it to happen. I thought about throwing a party to watch it, but then I thought, "People will talk though it and then I'll turn into a horrible monster and scream at everyone and no one will like me anymore." So I passed. 

But if YOU want to watch it with me, I'll be tweeting up a storm @mcmcannally. 

4. Game of Thrones, you are KILLING. ME. 

If you haven't seen Season 7 up to Episode 4, scroll down to #5 and skip this one. 

...did you do it? 

K. So HOLY WOW THE DRAGONS, THE DRAGONS, THE DRAGONS. Jordan and I are slowly catching up and just finished the episode where Daenerys releases the freakin' fire squad on the Lannister army and basically just turns everyone into human s'mores. WTF?!?!? This was INSANE. I'm realizing that I care way more about horses/dragons dying than I do about people, which is like...really sick and awful, but true. The second they threatened the dragon's death, I was all, "NO OH MY GOSH!!!" Meanwhile, there are like hundreds of men running around shrieking because they're burning alive. And I'm like, *shrug.* 

We have just a few more left until we're FINALLY caught up with the end of the season. At this point my thoughts are as follows: Kit Harrington is a lot shorter than I thought; I love The Hound so much; Sam cured grey scale!!!!; Gilly, you are #sodumb; Maisie Williams actually frightens me; Bran Stark is the most annoying character in the world. 

5. We are re-doing tons of rooms in our house and I'm so excited to share some before and afters at some point. 

...no photos here yet, but we've re-done our living room, bedroom, and are putting together the nursery. I will share that I bought the world's most precious animal prints to hang in the baby's room - how cute is this?! We did six and went with pig, bear cub, bunny, baby chick, fawn, and giraffe. This woman's shop on Etsy is called PinkeeArt - check her out. Absolutely makes my heart skip a beat. 

Go nuts this weekend and I'll see you back here on Tuesday - refreshed, recharged, and ready to rock. 

Hope for Charlottesville.

Hope is a frightening thing. 

Mostly because, in order to hope something, you make yourself vulnerable. You peel away layers of jaded, cavalier carelessness and reveal that you really want something. You want it so much, in fact, that you will be hurt - crushed, maybe - if it doesn't happen. 

The hope in me is strong this morning as I sit down to write this out. I'm upstairs in my house and a dense fog has settled over the mountains in Asheville. Looking out the picture window at the top of my stairs, I can't see anything but the houses immediately across the street from me. Later today, as it heats up a bit, the fog will burn off and the Blue Ridge Mountains will leap into view. This is not a hope of mine - it's a fact. I've watched the rhythm of this exact set of circumstances, this natural dance, take place many times since we moved here. 

Hope is in the the things we want to believe in, but we can't yet see. We don't have the same certainty about the things in which we hope. That's what makes hope so fragile, so earnest, and so scary. 

--

My husband, Jordan, found me crying on Saturday morning. At 5 1/2 months pregnant, this isn't a terribly rare event. I'd just finished watching crude video footage recorded on someone's iPhone of the white nationalist march in Charlottesville on Friday night, where white people of all ages carried tiki torches and chanted things like, "You will not replace us," and "Jews will not replace us." I guess they were worried it was unclear who the "you" was. 

That by itself got me. I couldn't believe these naked-faced folks were gathered by the hundreds to reclaim what they feel is their true identity in the social hierarchy: Number One. As though there were ever a moment when white men weren't the most powerful and influential group in the United States. 

But apparently, that's not how it feels to them. Because displays like that are born, if we're honest with ourselves, out of fear. No one stands in the front of a room and screams, "I'm in charge here!!" if it's clear that they're actually in charge. Trust me, I was once a teacher. I know that feeling well. 

Jordan, a medical professional and a consummate realist, kindly deadpanned me: "Sweetheart, why are you surprised by this? This is how these people are. This has been going on for hundreds of years. It's disgusting, but it shouldn't shock you as much as it is. We have to accept this in order to deal with it. I'm sure, in a few hours, the President will tweet something vague and unsatisfactory. This is the way it is right now."

(A few hours later, exactly that thing happened.)  

I grappled with his response for the rest of the day. On the one hand, I felt like my reaction was born out of my allegiance with my brothers and sisters of color: I AM SHOCKED AND I AM UPSET ON YOUR BEHALF. LOOK AT HOW MUCH I CARE FOR YOU! 

But people of color aren't shocked by this. My ability to be surprised by the behavior of hundreds of white people shouting racially charged things is born out of privilege. I don't have to live in a world where I'm subjected to these sorts of realities. I get to skim the surface when I feel like it, and then turn off the TV. 

The way that Jordan sees the world - for what it is - is, in fact, a more progressive view than my own. What chance do we have of fixing things when every time they happen, the first few hours begin with crying on the couch? Sure, we all process in different ways, but I would argue that people of color don't have the luxury of couch-crying. There isn't time for that. There isn't space for that. And Jordan is right. This IS the way it is. The more quickly we acknowledge that, the more quickly we can get to the business of fixing it. 

--

Monday, one of my dearest friends texted me asking what we should be doing in the face of this mess. At 28, she's the principal of a high-performing charter school in Nashville that focuses on advancing children of color in that community to and through college. She is brilliant, accomplished, and generally sparkling. 

But she had no idea what the next steps were, and neither did I. 

"I feel lucky that my job is the answer to the question, 'What am I doing to help?', but if I didn't have this job, I would come up blank. Posting on Facebook doesn't seem like enough. So what is there to do if I don't want to be silent? There's the obvious 'be kind to everyone,' and the extreme, 'Join Teach For America!', but concrete actions in the middle are hard to identify. I don't think young white women like us really know how to be supporters. What do we do?" 

I told her that I totally agreed, and that I had no clue where to start. For the next four days, I collected every resource I could find from the Internet, watched every piece of footage I could, and started a list. 

--

- The first thing we can do is watch this 20-minute documentary on from Vice TV. It is really upsetting and really dark. We should all watch it to get a beat on some on-the-ground reporting, to get a grip on what a white nationalist sounds like, and to bear witness to what is actually up. 

- We as white people can stop asking people of color to tell us what we can do to help. I saw a well-meaning tweet from a former classmate of mine that went something like this: "Black people, please help me understand how I can engage in this movement." I totally understand where this was coming from, and I support fully the motivation behind it, but it puts an unfair responsibility on our friends of color to help white people find their role in the madness. If we rely on minority groups to help explain to us where we should be plugging ourselves in, that means that those folks have to explain this hundreds of times over. That's not their job to figure out for us. Being an ally means figuring it out. If you're curious (and I certainly was), you can check out Upworthy's most recent post or the Southern Poverty Law Center's article. Both are great and offer helpful, tangible ways to plug in. 

- Denouncing white nationalism the KKK is really easy. Speaking out against it, even in places that don't seem to matter (like on Facebook, where many of you will have found this very post), MATTERS. Putting that into the world MATTERS. Keep doing it. 

- We can "get to it" more quickly. We as white people can stop sidelining ourselves with emotion and move to action more quickly. Assume that we don't have that luxury. This IS the way it is. But this is not the way it should be. 

(Oh, here comes the part that I don't want to talk about.) 

The really hard part, the part I would like to leave out because it involves me doing some work on myself that I don't want to do, is finding a way to engage not only against the nationalistic behavior we've seen, but with it. No, I don't mean in favor of it.

I mean that calling these people and this behavior racist and anti-American is exactly the right move. But then what? Do we all just go to our corners and decide we aren't going to speak to each other again? What happens then? What kind of progress are we making? That kind of stalemate means prolonging the agony, the injustice, and the  kinds of misunderstandings that lead to violence, bigotry, and generations of racism. 

WHITE PEOPLE: This is our job. It is our job to go on Twitter and say this is wrong, but it is also our job to turn back into our homes and examine the racist structures within which we operate. It's our job to write something eloquent on Facebook, but it's also our job to respectfully pull our relatives aside at family gatherings after they've said something racially insensitive and have a conversation with them about it. We have to be policing ourselves, we have to be policing each other.

And in case there's a chance I'm misunderstood - I don't mean doing this with hate, with condescension, or with impatience. Every time I write a piece about race, I include the fact that the only reason I have gotten to this point in my own evolution of thinking is because many people along the way were patient with and gracious toward me. We HAVE to be gracious with others. 

We will not change a damn thing if the way we go about speaking to each other leaves one person in the conversation feeling talked down to, stupid, disrespected, or less than. Pride is a touchy animal and we are all guilty of letting it eat us alive.

We can't expect our brothers and sisters of color to shoulder the burden of confronting racist, aggressive white people about their racist, aggressive beliefs (even though, to our shame, those brothers and sisters often do whether they want to or not). The reporter in that Vice.com video linked above is white, and that's not an accident. Do you think this group would've ever opened up to a non-white person? This is our mantle. This is our job. We have an "in" and we must use it. 

If you are a person who's decided to shut down toward the bigots of the world and are using that as a form of protest, I beg you to reconsider. People, even people whose ideologies are terrifying and dark and the represent the worst in humanity, have been made into whatever it is that they are. What is done can be undone. Hate is taught, as Nelson Mandela reminds us - no one is born hating. If you are refusing to engage, but including phrases like "Love wins" in your Twitter bio, you (forgive me for saying so) are missing the point.

Who do you think are love's instruments? Other people?

No. It's US. It's EVERYONE. Opting out is not a form of resistance. It is a form of privilege at work. 

Radical love means that you must stay engaged - it means that we must reach across a line that disgusts us and learn how to understand and reconfigure an American Nazi. 

(That is a sentence I never ever ever ever thought I would type, ever.) 

Here is a fascinating article from Vox.com that will help with that. 

- Lastly, I humbly submit, though I know people will push back against this, that we have to stop wasting energy being outraged that the President isn't doing much in the way of working these issues out. My dad always says - "You can be upset by someone's behavior, you can be disappointed in someone's behavior, but after enough of a pattern has formed, you have to stop being surprised by it." This has nothing to do with politics or which way I happen to lean, and everything to do with paying attention to the behavior we've gotten from our President to this point: Stop being shocked. Stop expecting better. We aren't going to get it. I don't mean it isn't despicable for him to condemn violence on "all sides" - it is. But your lack of tweet about him, specifically, will not be missed. We are the solution. He clearly isn't going to help, so we must double down ourselves. 

-- 

In the two hours I've been up here, the fog burned away. The sky is a bright, nearly cloudless blue. I knew this would happen.

Tears are brimming in my eyes finishing this post; not because I think it's important for anyone else to read, but because typing it out has arrested me in a new way, as a person of faith and an American citizen. I'm newly committed to keeping my arms open; to resisting the urge to close down and bow out. 

We have to keep working against and alongside and within each other as we are called to each of these tasks. This is a complicated mess we've made. It's easier to break things than it is to repair them. Where there's a lot to lose, there's a lot to protect. There's a lot of work that must be done in order to shield this fragile thing called justice for all. It's going to take all of us. 

But isn't that the point? 

God, I hope so.