DNR - JTI.

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear female celebrities on the red carpet, 
I understand the whole #askhermore thing. I don't think you should be relegated to answering questions about how you juggle raising your children while having a career, when the male celebs who are also parents get to talk about how they got into character or who they think will be President. 

BUT. 

You have been given scores of outfits from which to choose by the most elite designers in the world. You are wearing thousands and thousands of dollars' worth: gown, jewels, shoes, hair and makeup styling. The question, "Who are you wearing?" is not offensive unless it's the only thing you're asked. So answer it, and stop being a brat. You are a walking advertisement for a design house and you're living every girl's dream. DNR - JTI. 

 

Dear author of Suri's Burn Book, 
Please post more often. It's so amazing when you do. I want like a daily, maybe even hourly, post. Just think about it. DNR - JTI. 

 

Dear Apple TV remote,
YOU ARE SO SMALL AND EASY TO LOSE. PLEASE GET BIGGER. I CAN'T EVER FIND YOU AND I WANT TO. ("But Mary Catherine, you can download an app on your phone to control it!" NO I CAN'T BECAUSE MY PHONE'S SOFTWARE IS TOO OLD AND I WON'T LET APPLE EAT MY STORAGE WITH A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM IN ORDER MAKE ME BUY A BETTER IPHONE. 

Sorry I yelled. I got carried away. DNR - JTI.

 

Dear Adam Scott,
I don't know why I don't like you. It's hard for me to watch you on shows like Parks and Rec, because I find your brand of comedy to be "constantly exasperated condescension" and it wears me out. You are kind of a human marsupial and I just don't know what to do with you. I think your character in Step Brothers is probably who you actually are in real life. Sorry. DNR - JTI.

 

Dear Cast of "House of Cards," 
Not every Southern person has the same accent. I don't understand why every Southern character on your show (and you have a lot) sounds like someone from Savannah in the 1940's. So tell all the colleagues of "Frank and Clayuh Undahwood" to give it a rest or watch a YouTube tutorial. DNR - JTI. Also, War Eagle.

 

Dear Kate McKinnon,
My husband has an enormous crush on you. Every time you come on the screen, he's mesmerized. Thank you for being a lesbian so I don't have to worry that he's going to leave me for you, because otherwise that would be a concern. You are hysterical and one of the best cast members of all time. DNR - JTI. 

 

Dear Ben Higgins, 
You know the right girl to pick. You know that BroJo is not going to be a good long-term choice. You know you don't love her. You know it's The Bee. If you don't pick The Bee, we're all gonna be disappointed in you. My bracket is already ruined, so at least do us this one solid. Don't forget to shave your face before the big proposal scene, ya big ol' nerd. DNR - JTI.

 

Dear daylight savings time,
You suck. DNR - JTI. 

The Scientist

Good morning, friends! 

One of Jordan's really dear friends from dental school, Landon Heckman, reached out to me recently, and we've been covering some music together. I linked our cover of "Love Yourself" a few weeks ago. We threw that together pretty quickly. 

This cover, though, we've spent a couple of weeks working on. I'm really proud of it. So impressed by Landon's instrumental work (all I contributed were the vocals) and really pleased with how it came out. I hope you enjoy. 

Beautiful Max Patch

If you follow me on Instagram, you're probably like, "UGH, enough with the Max Patch stuff already!" 

But if you've been to Max Patch, you're not like that at all. 

Max Patch is what those in the know call a "bald," which is a naturally occurring patch of tree-less hilltop in the middle of an otherwise wooded area. What makes it even more special is that at its summit, you get a 360* view of the Blue Ridge Mountains from 4,600 ft. 

Max Patch is part of the Appalachian Trail, so hikers that are going north-to-south, who have been hiking on heavily wooded trails, suddenly climb up the side of a mountain and BAM. The world opens up like you've never seen it before.

Being on top of this mountain is indescribable - as anyone who has had a breathtaking experience in nature knows, it's probably the closest you come to feeling like God has materialized and is standing right next to you. It's also the closest you'll get to being Julie Andrews in the beginning of The Sound of Music twirling on that mountaintop. (Did it, and I'm not sorry.) 

Jordan, Tom Hanks and I have now been to Max Patch in almost every season, so I have pictures of it in summer, fall, and winter - just waiting on spring! 

I thought I'd share, because it's just a bunch of beauty, and because it's Wednesday, so ya might need a little beauty bump to get you through your week.  

SUMMER.

FALL: 

WINTER:
Little note: Jordan's family came into town for New Year's, so we spent January 1 on top of Max Patch. Pretty unreal way to kick off the new year. It was also 12* when we went up, but with wind, felt like 0*, so we were snapping pictures as fast as we could before our hands froze. 

My very favorite part of all of these photos is that Jordan had the idea months ago to take a picture of TH and me in every season. Once we have all four, we're going to frame them in our house. So far we've got these three - can't wait for spring! 

5 Things: Questions for Donald Trump

Dear Sir, 

Gotta be honest, I thought this whole thing was a joke. I really did. For months, I would giggle at the thought of First Lady Melania Trump (still giggling, actually), and the idea of you and your wig being inaugurated. "Yeah, right," I thought to myself. 

Then you won a whole bunch of delegates and that makes me uncomfortable. 

Not because I think you've got a chance at winning (you don't), but because there are so many people in this country who believe you do. That's unsettling to me. The idea that people think that you're the next face of America, based purely on what they've seen of you this election cycle, is troubling. 

So here on this beautiful Friday morning, I'd like to ask a few things. 

1. What is up with you putting so much stock into this whole "short-fingered vulgarian" thing? 

Granted, it's a hell of an insult. I love when the pen is mightier than the sword, because this 30-year old joke has really gotten under your skin. They're just words, Donald. I feel like you'd be a proponent of the "sticks and stones" model of dealing with criticism, especially given that you don't seem to take other people's sensitivity or feelings to heart when speaking yourself. You got real real defensive about it last night, even going so far as to say that "Nobody has ever hit my hands. I've never heard of this one." 

Uh oh! No. We know you've heard of it! That's why you're upset! 

Are your feelings genuinely hurt? Is that why you thought it appropriate to make a joke about your penis in a presidential debate on national television? 

Though, of course I understand your tactic - really trying to carve out a name for yourself. George Washington, "The Father of our Country;" Abraham Lincoln, "Honest Abe;" Donald Trump, "Doesn't Have a Small Penis." Got it. It really seems like it would stand the test of time. Clever, Donald. And, as always, classy. 

2. How long does it take to do your hair every day? 

I'm really asking. Personally, I love to do my hair. It's one of my favorite morning rituals. I never leave the house (unless I'm working out, of course) without a curling iron having touched my hair. So I'm genuinely curious about your method. 

Is it: brush, swoop, spray? Or maybe: comb, spray, swoop, spray? My last guess would be: tease, comb, smooth, spray, swoop, spray. One of those has got to be right. 

Surely there's a YouTube tutorial somewhere on Donald's hair. Oh, wow. THERE IS.  Amazing. This girl even nailed the way-too-light-undereye-concealer. A real pro, this one. 

3. Melania is an immigrant. Does that make it awkward at the dinner table when you say really xenophobic things? 

Les miserables.

Les miserables.

Melania was born in Slovenia and immigrated to the United States. So I have to wonder whether, when the dinner party guests are gone and you guys are behind closed doors, she just lets you have it. It must be pretty frustrating for her to hear you talk about immigrants with such vitriol - whether we're talking about Mexican immigrants or Syrian refugees - same overall level of intolerance. 

Although if I were Melania, I gotta say, I'd be equally upset about pretty much everything you said in this interview, which is, in a word, grotesque and horrifying. ...that was two words, I know. I couldn't help it. 

But neither can you, it seems. 

4. Do you know that the verb "disavow" should almost always be followed with an object? 

...because you keep saying "I disavow" by itself. You have to disavow something or someone for that sentence to work. And you kind of keep doing it. 

To be fair, you did include an object in the debate last night. You said, "I disavow the Klu Klux Klan." 

"Huh," I thought. "He threw an extra 'l' in the word, 'Ku.' Most of the people I've heard do that are school-aged children who are learning about the group for the first time and are having trouble pronouncing it. Admittedly, it's a clunky group name. It was a slip of the tongue. I'll cut him some slack." 

But see, then you did it again. A second time, in a row, almost immediately after the first time. Which leads me to believe that you actually think the name of the group is "Klu" Klux Klan. Which is wrong. It's upsetting to me. 

But not as upsetting as the fact that it took you longer than exactly zero seconds to "disavow" a terrorist organization who killed black people for sport. It's less upsetting than that. 

5. Are you kidding me? 

I mean it. I'm not asking ironically. 

My great hope is that this is all the most elaborate political joke of all time; that somehow that insane conspiracy theory that the Clintons paid you to run in order to give them a leg up is true. 

That we aren't living in a time in America when people believe that a bigoted, bullying, sexist, xenophobe, pretending to tout Christian values, should be President of the United States. Because what was it that Jesus said? Oh yeah. "BUILD ME A WALL!" 

I want to believe in my country more than that, sir. I want to believe that you're just kidding around. That, while this has certainly gone too far, has certainly embarrassed an entire nation of people, you are running the longest and best Jim Halpert-style prank that anyone has ever seen. 

This is my hope. This is my prayer. 

Don't get me wrong, sir. I don't think you'll ever be President. There are too many people on both sides of the aisle who DISAVOW! your antics and barely take the time to acknowledge you as a serious candidate. When you have two former political rivals like our current President and Mitt Romney coming out to condemn you, people have to figure that you don't really have a shot. 

Plus, my dad says you won't win, and he's pretty much always right. 

I alternate between rage and jovial dismissal when it comes to you, Mr. Trump. I go back and forth between being the embodiment of SMH and rolling my eyes. One minute, you're making me reach for a tub of ice cream to stress-eat; the next, I remember you are a clown from the circus. 

Here's the thing, Don. Can I call you Don? I know if you actually were ever to read this note, you'd probably say that I was hysterical or that it must be "that time of the month" for me, or make fun of my nose (get in line, pal), or tell me that I'm only a 5 on a scale of 10. You'd dig up pictures of me as an ugly middle-schooler and talk about my lack of fashion sense. You'd slam my 7th grade perm. That seems to be how you handle crisis or criticism.

Joke's on you, because there's nothing my husband likes better than a woman with a sense of humor whose nose used to be nicknamed "The Antler." So:

The thing is, we can't have someone like you running the country, because when it comes right down to it, you're just mean. It's amazing to me that someone so wealthy can act so cheap.

You seem to not love being presented with facts or having to combat them, so here are some facts in a clip that I know you won't like, but is something that people need to see over and over until the election. 

Here's to you, Mr. Drumpf. Stop talking about your penis, and stop being such a dick.

(Sorry to my grandparents who I know will not love the fact that I just used the word "dick." It was in service of a joke. You guys understand.) 

How to Rock at Weddings.

Wedding season kicked off for me last weekend with the wedding of one of my very best friends. I couldn't love a wedding more - the love, the food, the drinking, the dancing, the crying, the dressing up with my friends - it's basically the adult version of a sorority formal, except, you know, way better. 

I certainly didn't write the rulebook (nor do I always play by it) on how to rock at weddings. But I've been in a few and been to a few, and I've watched my friends who do rock at knowing the right move to make at all times. So I'm sharing their tricks in hopes that one will come in handy for you during Wedding Season 2016.

And any excuse to share my wedding photos again, right? ;) 

DO dress appropriately. 
One of the first things you notice about guests at a wedding is the fabulous attire being sported. I love to lust after dresses or jewelry or shoes (all the time, but particularly) at receptions. Underdressing for a wedding is an easy mistake to make. 

A safe bet? If the wedding is at or after 6 PM, traditionally, the attire is, at a minimum, cocktail (a short or long dress for women, and a dark suit or tuxedo for men). Before 6, the attire can vary tremendously. You can usually take your cue from the invitation: if the invitation is colorful, or less formal, so is the attire. If the invitation is letterpress or engraved on thicker paper, the attire is more formal. And if the wedding is black tie, the invitation will almost always say so. 

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

DON'T monopolize the bride. 
Part of being a good guest is knowing when your time is up. A quick hug, a picture, and well-wishes are totally in order! The bride and groom are who literally everyone in the room is there to see, so they have to do a lot of small-talk. Old-school weddings may have a receiving line for the bride and groom, and in that case, keeping it short is more important than usual.

If you're really smooth (as either a bridesmaid or a guest), you'll keep an eye on the happy couple to make sure that they enjoy the party as much or more as they're greeting their guests. They might just need a helpful hand to take over the conversation with Dear Old Sweet Uncle Milton so that they can escape to the dance floor where they belong! 

DO show up on time. 
I have been that person: the church doors are closed, the music has started, and I am trying to creep in on a marble floor in my heels so as not to draw any attention to myself. ...guess what? Didn't work. This is such a simple tip, but if you're a person who is chronically late, a wedding is not the time to chance it. Leave extra early - ridiculously early, if need be - to make sure that you're in your seat before that processional starts! 

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

DON'T bring problems to the family's attention. 
I know, no-brainer, right? Wrong. You'd be shocked how many people I've actually seen come up to parents of the bride or groom (or worse, the bride and groom themselves) to report that "there aren't any more shrimp," or that "the parking lot is full." What?! No. A reception is the long-awaited celebration after months of planning - it's the ultimate in blowing off steam. The family should be living it up, not putting out fires.

So, in that light, DO be a proactive problem-solver! 
If you're a member of the wedding party, this is your time to shine. Do the bridesmaids' dresses need to be steamed? Do it. Don't wait to be asked. Did the bride forget something at home? Go get it. Did one of the groomsmen leave some their button studs or cufflinks at their apartment? All you. Is somebody way, way too drunk already? Go get that fella a cheeseburger. Keep a comb, lipstick, and Band Aids in your pocket, because they're always going to be needed. Do this not because you want to be praised for it, but because you want to make this day perfect for your friend (and because if you've gotten married, chances are somebody did this for you).

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

DON'T take your own photos.
Obviously, if you're part of the wedding party, this isn't an issue. Take all the photos you want while you're getting ready, during the day of, etc. But if you're a guest, and you feel the impulse to reach for your iPhone during the ceremony, STOP. The couple has already hired a photographer! By pulling out your iPhone, you not only draw attention to yourself in what should be a holy moment of sacrament, but you also risk destroying the photo that the real photographer is trying to take. There is no reason for you to Instagram the bride walking down the aisle. Leave that to the pro's, and don't be the person who ruins the shot because your iPhone is covering up the groom's head. ...did that sound preachy? GOOD. :) 

Photo by Brittany Sturdivan of Love Be Photography.

Photo by Brittany Sturdivan of Love Be Photography.

DO RSVP and send a gift.
This is maybe the easiest thing to forget. It's always a bummer when you get this text from the bride or groom, "Hey...just wondering if you'd gotten our invitation! We're trying to get a headcount!" Woops. This may be the only "tip" I actually have a personal trick for, but here it is: whenever I get an invitation in the mail, I RSVP RIGHT THEN. I know that I am so bad about forgetting stuff like this that if I don't follow the "do it now" rule, it won't get done. I also try to buy a gift right then online, and have it sent to their home. If I can't attend the wedding, I write short letter on the back of the RSVP card expressing my regret (which is always genuine; I hate to miss a party). This keeps those "WTF, are you coming or not??" texts from rolling in. 

Photo by my jankity iPhone, so...sorry about that. 

Photo by my jankity iPhone, so...sorry about that. 

And to end us, another DO - Get out on the dance floor! 
Every bride is hoping that their reception is a fun-filled dance party with the people they love most in the world. So if you notice that the dance floor is hitting a lull, get your booty out there and do something about it! A dance party is the easiest kind of party to start - people having fun on the dance floor is totally contagious. 

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

Photo by Leslee Mitchell of Leslee Mitchell Photography.

Woo hoo! Happy wedding season, y'all! May the bands all be fun and the hangovers not be too terrible.