Sex Island: Part II

So I read this thing the other day about how Vanessa sucks and is mean to everyone, and all I could think was: 

The Case of the Missing Orgasm: Part II

• Nick and Raven wake up in a tiny snowglobe. 

• "This girl's about to be screwed up forever." - My husband. 
• How great would it be if Vanessa and Rachel were just in those other huts waiting on him??

• ...did we just watch an orgasm montage?? 

PART II: Snow Angel

• Where's Waldo, you guys?

• Nailed it.
• So I guess this is the episode where Rachel goes home? 
• Seriously though, I really hope he doesn't sleep with her then send her home. I know that's always what happens on this date, but Rachel is too good to do this. 
• Rachel, adorably, cannot cross country ski. 

• They go to a reindeer petting zoo and I'm super jealous because this looks awesome. 

• After the reindeer experience, they head inside for some hot beverages and dance around telling each other they love each other. 

• A rogue, unmanned reindeer carries Nick and Rachel away in a sleigh. 

• That reindeer is all, "Makin' my way downtown..." 

• CROP TOP IN THE SNOW come on now girl. You know I'm on your side but that is just ri-damn-diculous. 
• Then the cutest moment I've ever seen happens:

• HOW is it possible that he didn't pick her?? That's THE SWEETEST moment ever. 
• Like the only way that this doesn't turn out perfectly is if she Kim Basinger's him in the fantasy suite. 

• Of. COURSE. she has on the most presh onesie I've ever seen in my life and isn't wakin' up in underwear like some 2-bit skank. 
• Damn right you will make her breakfast. She is OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, you peasant. 
• If it's Rachel who goes tonight, this is gonna hurt. But it can't be. It can't be, right? 

PART III - Canadian Bacon. 

• Now that's romantic. 
• Polar plunge, blah blah blah, seen it a million times... 
• Me and this baby sloth are so bored you guys.

• In the hot tub, Nick and Vanessa use the word "traditional" over and over.

• Nick asks Vanessa if there are things she isn't willing to compromise on and she says lunch with her family every Sunday. In Montreal. So THAT'S gonna be an expensive plane ticket. 
• Just saying Rachel and Raven got the short end of the sticks being shoved in those tiny houses while Vanessa got a full-on insulated teepee.

• They talk about how similar they are, about Canada, about America, about stubbornness, and then she says: 

• "I've been looking for someone who makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world that exists except for his two other girlfriends." 
• Also, didn't she already say, "I love you?" Am I crazy? Why is this confession a big deal? Wasn't she like the first one to say it? 
• This date's making my eyes bleed, but I just saw this photo of Dolphinshark and it made everything okay. 

• They eventually make it to the fantasy suite and and are basically a tangled jumble of ribbed sweaters: 

• And the next morning...

• OH MY GOSH SKANK DOGGY DOG. HOLY COWWWWWWWW. 
• I mean keep in mind, people, producers came into this house and said, "Can we put you guys underneath a blanket naked?" And she was like, "Yeah, cool." Gross. Pass.

PART IV: Rose ceremony.

• At least we're finally ending an episode of this show with a rose ceremony like GOD INTENDED.
• Okay y'all, hot take: I think that Hoxie's going home tonight. I know we know who wins, but I think ABC will still manage to make Rachel and Vanessa a dramatic finale. 
• Because WHY would she go home?? 

• I could start a new blog called, "Nick Viall crying." 

• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOW.
• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOWWWWWWWWW. 

• Okay so this clearly means that producers manipulated him into making this choice so that Rachel could be the first Black Bachelorette. That may sound callous to you, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that things like this happen on this show on the REG. 
• Good grief she is poised. 
• Never in my wildest did I think I'd see the day where perfect Rachel got sent home for the sake of Hoxie and Canada. 
• ...then again, this is the most completely twisted TV show. 
• Okay so my guess is this is how this went: Harrison and other producers pulled Nick and Rachel into a room and said, 
  "Listen. If you guys know right now with 100% certainty that you are perfect for each other, then fine. But if you have any doubts, Rachel, we'd like to offer you a contract as The Bachelorette on the spot. So it's your call."
• That's the only reason that breakup was so amicable and didn't result in Rachel being completely side-swiped and confused.
• In closing, this show is brain poison and we all deserve to be dumber for watching it. 
• WE LOVE YOU RACHEL. See you on The Bachelorette. 

Weekend in Tulsa!

Jordan and I just returned from a whirlwind trip to Tulsa to visit my parents. We had the most spectacular time! In a rare turn of luck, we got to attend two fabulous events back to back.

Friday night was the Memory Gala. This event, put on by the Tulsa Alzheimer's Association, was powerful in so many ways. The theme of this year's gala was "Untold Stories," highlighting the stories that we lose when our relatives and friends are crippled by a disease that really just feels so unfair. Hearing from men and women throughout the evening whose family members had been diagnosed with and/or died from Alzheimer's was an experience I'll never forget. 

Adding to the beauty of this event was the fact that my parents co-chaired it. At the end of the night, the Alzheimer's Association had raised nearly $1.4 million, and I left believing the refrain I heard echoed over and over: "Alzheimer's can be cured in our lifetimes." Jordan and I felt incredibly blessed to be part of such a special night in Tulsa, but particularly because my parents are strong examples for me of what it means to be kind and generous - stepping out of the spotlight to highlight the hard work and stories of others. 

After the seated dinner, there was a massive dance party. While I can't post any pictures (didn't have my phone on the dance floor!) I can tell you that I have  N E V E R  seen my husband dance that hard in my life. It was the absolute best. 

Here are the very few photos we took - such a pleasure to hang out with the fabulous Mary Quinn Cooper and Quinn Cooper Eves! 

Saturday night, hilariously enough, was another event in the exact same space. To see this convention center transformed in the span of 24 hours was really something. Saturday night was put on by Tulsa Cares, the local HIV/AIDS outreach organization. The party is known as the Red Ribbon Gala and is billed as one of the best parties of the year - boy, was it. 

This event was a bit more formal and we were so thrilled to have a chance to really try and turn it out! It's so rare that I get a chance to go to a black tie event now that I'm not in a sorority anymore (JK Chi Omegas, #sisterforlife, but you know what I'm sayin'), so this was an EXTRA treat. 

The evening featured powerful testimonials about stripping the stigma away from HIV/AIDS, and was beautifully chaired by Ty Kaszubowski. He and his partner, Mike, have become fast friends of my parents' and are just about the most fun you'll ever have. Here are some photos from this absolute rager that benefitted such an incredible cause: 

At the end of the night, we tried to come home and watch SNL on the DVR. Sadly, only one of us made it through that experience, as three of four passed out on the couch. We all realized the next morning that all the McAnnallys had on the same exact white PJ's from J Crew. We looked like we were in an insane asylum. 

Best weekend. Can't wait until next time!! 

Exclusive Behind the Scenes Photos of Rachel as The Bachelorette

RED ALERT, RED ALERT, CHECK IT. 

Okay so my really great friend Tammie Beassie Banko (who I will refer to as TBB from now on as it is swaggier and also what I actually call her) is a law student at SMU in Texas. 

I would like to include a transcript of our texts from a few days ago, as that will really be the better way to tell this story. I will also be redacting my horrible trucker mouth because in my real life I am a disgusting sailor. 

TBB realized that Rachel was on campus whilst she was in class. Here is what followed: 

It turns out that Rachel was filming her intro reel on campus. And finally, TBB was able to escape. THEN I got these gems: 

Anyway this was basically the best day ever. HAPPY WEEKEND! 

Tips for Conquering The Whole30.

My Pure Barre studio is doing a group Whole30 challenge this month, and as it's the first of the month, I thought I'd share some tips from my experience with this program a few years ago. 

1. Meal plan. 

This one is a no-brainer and is absolutely essential to surviving. Because the Whole30 is so strict in terms of what you can and can't eat (read more about the guidelines here), meal planning is the key to happiness while doing this challenge. If you're not a meal planner or an intentional grocery shopper, this month will make you into one! In fact, I'd never meal planned a day in my life prior to doing the Whole30. It actually does make shopping easier and, ultimately, less expensive, since you only buy the ingredients on your list and not extra things just because you're hungry. I wrote a blog post on meal planning here that you can check out for tips!  

This also means that if you do choose to go out to dinner, look ahead at the restaurant's menu. Make sure there's a W30-compliant option for you. There is nothing worse (and I can say this from experience) than sitting at a table and watching your friends gorge themselves on the bread basket when you can't eat anything because you didn't call ahead.

Find W30 recipes on the following sites: 

• Nom Nom Paleo
• PaleOMG
• This great Buzzfeed list

2. Snack plan. 

Technically, this program isn't big on snacks, but I like to think it's a principle issue: they don't want you to mindlessly snack on something because the point of undergoing the 30 day challenge is to re-set your impulses. However, doing this for the first time is a big change. Especially in the first couple of weeks, you will be hungry. And when I'm hungry, I'm usually also hangry. Meaning I need a quick, easy, pre-made option to tame the beast. Some great W30 snack options include: 

• Fruit and sugar-free almond butter. 
• Slices of bell pepper or baby carrots in this sweet potato hummus.
• Roasted almonds or salted cashews. 
• Boiled eggs and bacon.

3. Be accountable. 

Anyone who's completed this program will tell you that it's difficult, and they're right. When I did it in 2014, I was absolutely floored at how many of the foods I ate every day contained ingredients I'd never noticed, like added sugar or preservatives. It will change the way you see food for the rest of your life. And it's true that the best way to go through this experience is to do it all the way - not to cheat with a little something here and there. You'll feel so proud of yourself, and, if you're anything like me, you'll have lost some weight by the end. I was 12 pounds down when I did it! 

That being said, it's definitely easier to do this if you know someone who's doing it with you. When I was doing the W30, I had two great girlfriends from college and my mom alongside me. It made dinners so much more fun because I could pop over to my mom's house - we were in it together! It also gives you someone to text when you feel like you might actually cut off your right arm if it means you can have a cheeseburger. 

4. Learn to say, "No."

I think women, and particularly Southern women, are bad at saying, "No." We want to be all things to all people, we want to be polite, we want to please everyone. 

The Whole30 is not about that. 

Saying, "No," is a BIG part of this month. You will have to turn down the offer for dessert. You'll have to pass on having someone pick up lunch for you at work. The daily bagel run instantly goes out the window. Coffee with sugar and caramel and whatever other kind of sugary goodness is a negative. Wave goodbye! 

BUT - there's a flipside to that coin. Saying, "No," is empowering. Emboldening, even. When I did this program and chose not to indulge in something, initially, there was disappointment, but in the end, I felt so proud of myself that I chose self-control over a slice of chocolate cake. There is power in "no," and beyond just food-related things, it's something we could all learn to say more often. Politely, of course. ;) 

5. Get fancy and treat yo'self! 

It's easy to feel deprived during this experience, but fret not! There are so many beautiful, decadent meals in your future, if you're willing to step into the kitchen and step up to the plate. It really is a culinary adventure. I learned more about cooking during this month than at any other point in my life.

Below are some photos of totally compliant meals to get your tastebuds interested in the days to come!

Shrimp on a set of spaghetti squash and veggies in clarified butter sauce. 

Chef Thomas Keller's roast chicken.

Chicken salad with W30-approved mayo.

Steak prepared with olive oil instead of canola. 

Shortribs on a set of mirepoix with clarified butter. 

Incredibly easy-to-make pompano fillets with clarified butter. 

I mean, right? Doesn't that look great?? Other ideas not pictured but still swimming in my memory are: 

• Homemade chicken soup with a side of sliced pear.
• Hot spinach salad with boiled egg and bacon dressing. 
• Pork tenderloin, sweet potato fries, and a salad with homemade (compliant!) dressing. 
• Fruit salad drenched in fresh coconut milk. 
• Sweet potato hash with crispy eggs on top. 
• Sauteed sausages on a set of crispy roasted veggies. 

SO - may the force be with you! Good luck!  

Week 9: SEX ISLAND.

This episode was deemed "Sex Island" by my husband last year when he asked me what the premise of the particular series of dates is. 

"Oh," I replied. "This is the episode where the Bachelor/Bachelorette gets to sleep with all the remaining cast members." 

"...what??" 

"Yeah." 

"So it's basically just like...an island of sex? Sex Island?" 

"Yep." 

"...this is a terrible TV show." 

Part Last Week.

• Clearly he knew this was happening. This is such a stupid facade. 

• Get it, you guys?? Because this is going to be The Most Dramatic Conversation In Bachelor History. 

• Oh just kidding it's going to be pretty uninteresting and not that deep.
• Can someone explain to me why Andi is acting like she's such hot shit? Like she's doing a lot of "look how adorable I am" nose-wrinkling/eyebrow-raising/growly-voice-talking. 
• Andi, this is mean, but you are not a big deal. You weren't a very popular Bachelorette and you picked a cro magnon with four brain cells to rub together. 

• Meanwhile all the other girls line up and wait in the arctic temps. 

• I'm about to tell you suckers something RIGHT NOW - Rachel better not get dragged to Sex Island and then dumped. 
• He better dump her right now if he's gonna do it. 
• SO I think we have two outcomes here: Hoxie goes home or Rachel goes home.
• Back to this insipid dribble:

• HOW IS THIS AN OKAY CONVERSATION TO HAVE?! 
• I hope that whoever he picked in the end is watching this episode and whacking him over the head with a magazine for discussing their sexual relationship with HIS EX GIRLFRIEND ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. 
• Blah blah blah Andi basically says, "You're entitled to boink whoever you want, don't hold back, do your thing," and concludes with: 

• ...

• Finally Andi leaves and Nick goes to the rose ceremony. 

• RAVEN GETS IN?? 
• CANNOT BELIEVE Hoxie got a rose first. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! 

• RACHEL TOO????  HOLY WOW what is happening
• Who's going home?!?! 
• Wait
• No.
• NO.
• CORN
• NO
• NO CORN
• NO CORN PLEASE STAY

• I'm devastated
• I can't go on 

• Please notice Raven and Rachel hugging and Vanessa...not hugging. Because Vanessa is the WORST. 
• Nick walks Corinne out with a heart-wrenching conversation: 

• Corn gets into the limo and talks about how she's done "kissing up" to men and from now on, she's just gonna let the mens come to her. 
• And then closes with this perfect line: 

• And, just as mysteriously as she arrived, she was gone. 
• You were my girl, Corn. I'll never forget you. 

PART I: The Case of the Missing Orgasm

• "Raven's so great, Raven's right for me, blah blah blah." I am honestly shocked that she's made it this far. NEVER would've pegged it. 

• Can we all just turn this off and go to Finland?? This place looks magical. 

• They chat about hometowns, about reindeer, about snow, or something...I'm not really listening at this point because I'm still mourning Corn. #courning 

• I'm going to just roll right through that one, Nick. 
• What's shocking to me about Hoxie still being here is not just that Nick still likes her, but that I like her. A lot. 

• But for real, she's adorable. 
• I honestly can't believe how candid she's being about all of this stuff. 

• Did you really need to make her spell it out, Nick?? 
• Okay we're all nervous. Good deal. NEXT.

• Let's all go find this guy she dated and beat him to death. 

• DON'T BRING YOUR DAD INTO THIS, DAMMIT! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

• She's so nervous to tell him this - Hoxie, you rascal. You're makin' me love you. 

• Well that was extremely genuine and precious and now Hoxie is my front-runner. Because I loathe Vanessa And obvi Rachel doesn't win. 
• Fantasy suite card comes out and Raven has two reminders: 

• But seriously, how is this actually being discussed on TV, you guys?? How. How. How. HOW. How. Somebody tell me. 
• Remember how I said we should all go find the ex-boyfriend and beat him to death? Well...I think she just took care of it. That guy ain't gettin' NO dates.
• And that's where we leave things. 
• Oh, nope. Wait. I lied. THIS is where we leave things: 

Next week we find out what happens with Raven (I predict the euphemism "fireworks" will be used at least twice) and whether or not Nick is the dirtbag who sleeps with Rachel and then cuts her. 

This was a stupid one-hour episode. I hate you, Chris Harrison.

And also the Women Tell All. Which is basically going to just be a Corinne v. Taylor showdown. And we all know whose team I'm on. 

Fetch or Wretch: The Oscars

Normally I just go straight into fashion commentary, but I have to say a few things about last night's Oscars: 

1. After weeks (months, really) of depressing, upsetting news, this awards show was feel-good moment after feel-good moment. No sarcasm. 
2. #oscarssowhite is officially a thing of the past. 
3. Jimmy Kimmel did a fantastic job. 
4. What happened with Best Picture? That was real crazy. 
5. There were so many metallic dresses on the red carpet that my eyes started to bleed a little bit. 

Okay, let's get on with it. To be honest, the red carpet was not nearly as polarized it typically is, with a wide chasm between "fetch" and "wretch." Last night, it was more "fetch" and "less fetch," with a few bonus categories near the bottom.
 

FETCH:

Jessica Biel

I have minor quibbles with the dress (the distressed detailing on a metallic gown is weird to me), but overall, I think this is a knockout look. Jessica Biel usually doesn't strike the right chord when it comes to fashion-y things, but she has a killer face AND bod, so I always wonder how she manages to get it so wrong. Hair, makeup, everything - good job, girl. 

Emma Stone

I was on the fence about this until I saw her walk in it and figured out that the entire bottom half is fringe. I thought this was perfect for so many reasons: it fits her like a dream, the head styling is perfection, she's dressed like the award she eventually won, and she's doing it all while giving a nod to the old Hollywood glam of the movie she starred in. Get it. 

Janelle Monae

I mean, capital D A M N. I LOVE this dress so much. I love that she looks like a Roman gladiator space princess. I love that she is posing like her life depends on it. I love that she stayed true to her black and white style while adding just the slightest bit of metallic color. I love that it was the only "moment" on the red carpet last night, as everyone else's dress was #typical. Thank you, Janelle, for allllllll of this dress. 

Nicole Kidman

This almost doesn't work because it's exactly her skin tone, but this is another one that after I saw her move in it, I changed my opinion. A bold red lip was the way to go to make sure it didn't wash her out completely, and the dress itself is delicate and gorgeous. It wouldn't have killed me if she had a tiny bit of a tan, but as a fellow pale girl/vampire skin, I get it. 

Ruth Negga

Apparently this is unpopular, but I loved this look. First of all, the fit is gorgeous and Ruth has been wearing unusual gown after unusual gown this awards season, which I love. Secondly, the color offsets the ACLU ribbon placed prominently on her chest, which I'm sure isn't an accident. Love the hair, love the dark lip. 

The Rock

Blue *clap* velvet *clap* blazer. If THE ROCK can find a jacket (and by find, I obviously mean "have made") tailored to absolute perfection, then no man on this planet ever has an excuse for ill-fitting clothing again. Mmkay? Bye! 

Leslie Mann

People were hating hard on Leslie Mann for having a "Belle" moment, but...this is the Oscars?? This is the very place to have whatever "moment" you want. I think she looks fabulous and that this dress was made even more adorable when she was enthusiastically fan-girling over JT in the opening number.  

Viola Davis

BAM. That is all. 

Ava Duvernay

Not originally on my list, but the more I looked at this, the more I liked it. Lace is a huge trend that's been all over the runways at fashion week, and I really like this icy gray color. Not to mention it fits her perfectly. 

All right. Line up the poor souls who didn't quite nail it. 
 

LESS FETCH:

Brie Larson

This made lots of people's Best Dressed lists, but I just can't. This isn't the best photo, but the dress has a huge flounce in front that kind of takes over when she walks. It looks like she's being slowly eaten by her dress. And if that's the case, she's gonna spend her last night on earth with really bad hair. If she was going for old Hollywood waves, then she should've brightened up the color or made the style more dramatic. As it is, she looks like she just got out of the pool and let it air dry. 

Octavia Spencer

This one was another source of major debate in my head. I LOVE Octavia Spencer (duh, who doesn't?), but this dress is just too...avian. The top is fine, neckline is pretty, but then you get to the bottom and it's just FEATHERS!!!! Or, if I'm being less generous, I'd say it looks like a pattern of bacteria slowly streaking across a petri dish. Color is great and she loved it which made it work on the red carpet, but...nope. 

Ryan Gosling's Shirt

For your convenience, I have blacked out his head, since, as we all know, it's impossible to look at Ryan Gosling and say anything bad about him. Just focus on the shirt. I get it, retro, blah blah blah, but...nah. The rest of the tux fits like a dream, so it's really a shame. Also, he's clenching that fist pretty hard...maybe he hates it, too? 

Taraji P. Henson

Man I really didn't mean to be dragging the stars of one of the best movies of the year, but...gotta keep on. Taraji is violating the old rule of "either boobs or legs, but not both." The whole thing just reads as tacky to me, and she normally nails it on the style front. Lately, though, her choices have looked so cheap and underwhelming. Did you get a new stylist, girl? Tell us the truth! We'll help you! The velvet was on point but the rest of this is too try-hard, which Taraji P. Henson certainly does NOT need to do. She's fabulous already - but this overtakes even her best "face."

Keith Urban's Highlights

Once again, for your convenience, I've removed Keith Urban's extremely likable face from the equation. Look at Nicole, and then look at that haircut next to her. You guys. Come on. WHEN is he going to get rid of the 90's chunky highlights and the mom mullet? This looks like what Kate Gosselin would've done had she been a musician. KEITH CAN YA HEAR ME? Time to move it along. "You'll Think Of Me" has taken on new meaning. I'll think of you, all right. Think of you haunting my nightmares with a head from 1994.

Naomie Harris

Yet another MAJOR internal struggle for me, so I'll just tell you what I loved and hated about it. I loved the color, the material (sequins), the head styling, and the jewelry. Didn't love the shoes or the fact that the bralette being separate from the skirt really skews her proportions in an unflattering way. It almost looks like the top is too small, even though it isn't - it's just tricks of the eye because the bottom half is so heavy relative to the top. This looks like a pageant dress to me, not an Oscar gown. 

Alicia Vikander's Spray Tan (and dress) 

What, what, what are you doing. First of all, the dress is bad. I am opposed, 100% of the time, to a pickup skirt or a tiered skirt. I HATE them. I think it's such a lazy design element and it looks really dated. That being said, WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS SHE SO ORANGE. And if you don't think she looks that bad...

Exactly. 

Charlize Theron

I may be in the minority here, but I hated this. Earrings were amazing, but the dress gave her a pin head. 

Kelly Ripa

...giant butterflies have landed on her dress. Need we carry on? 

Now for a little extra fun! 

Who wore it best? 

Michelle Williams v. Emma Roberts:

TBH I'm not wild about either of these dresses. Emma Roberts' neckline is super wide and I don't love that, but the details on that gown just beat her competitor. I love the lace detailing in the bodice. Michelle Williams' gown just looks a bit frumpy to me, especially when she usually tailors and fits her gowns within an inch of their lives. Disappointing, especially for someone nominated in a major category. 

Ruth Negga v. Ginnifer Goodwin

I don't even think this is a contest. Ginnifer Goodwin's gown is too "prairie." Also yikes, showing up to an awards show in essentially a worse version of the dress a major category nominee is wearing. 

Special commentary:

Halle Berry

That dress is a mess. That hair is fabulous. But THE BITCH. DOESN'T. AGE. Halle, please lead us to the fountain of youth. 

Dakota Johnson

If she had done without that weird front seashell-shaped panel (try saying that three times fast), it would've been a 10. Well...and if she'd steamed it, it would've been a 10. 

Hailee Steinfeld

Everybody's freaking out over this and I just don't care. Is that mean? It's just like...translucent grandma bedsheets. 

Isabelle Huppert

Girl, I GUESS so. 

Meryl Streep

She didn't wear her granny glasses on the red carpet, so that's about all we can ask. It's Mother of the Bride in every way, but it's also #meryl. Who got a standing ovation in the first 10 minutes of the show for no real reason. Because YES.