DNR- JTI.

Do Not Respond, Just Take It. 

Dear Twitter,
I come to hang out with you to see all my friends and celebrities I wish were my friends be quippy and brilliant in fewer than 140 characters. I do NOT come to you to have that feed interrupted by the trailer for the newest scary movie Lights Out. Do not show me this. I am now scared and alone in my house. This is unfair. Stay in your lane. 

Dear Jordan,
Thank you for your morbid curiosity that led you to also watch this trailer, but one of us has got to be the one who says "no" to these things. Thank you for narrating what's happening in the trailer as it unfolds so that it's less scary for us both: "Oh. So, okay. So they're gonna turn the lights out and then that thing is gonna be there. Aaaaand there it is. Light on, no thing. Lights out, the thing. Okay. I get it. And now it'll probably get closer to the camera. Yep, yep, it's closer. Okay. That's fine. I was expecting that. Okay." I love you so much and you are the best. 

Dear YouTube Suggestions Section,
The fact that in your suggestions was not only the trailer for this movie, after we clicked on it, after we saw it on Twitter, but also the SHORT FILM THIS MOVIE WAS INSPIRED BY, is not cool. Because OBVIOUSLY we're gonna click on that, too. I have not screamed out loud at a movie or trailer in...maybe ever, actually. But the end of that short film? Screamed. Blew Jordan's eardrums out. Scarred for life. Your fault. Pay for my therapy. 

Dear Children/Villains/Ghouls in Lights Out,
How will you ever recover from having been so scary?? Do you have that moment where you think someone is sneaking up behind you and then feel guilty because you personally have caused that moment for millions of viewers? I hope you lose sleep over this. I hope you accidentally catch your reflection in the mirror and it scares you because you remember how scary you were in that movie one time. I hope there's some kind of support group that Linda Blair founded for you people. 

Dear Random Lamp in my Living Room,
I'm sorry I almost attacked you last night because I thought your shadow was some sort of paranormal presence, even though I don't believe in that stuff. ...mostly. Blame all of the aforementioned sources of angst for that. Don't hate me. Love you. 

Dear Alarm System,
Thank you for providing me with the comfort of knowing that anyone who would ever try to break into our house would not only be immediately apprehended, but also immediately deafened by the sound you produce when you are set off. Thank you for making sure we don't die of carbon monoxide poisoning or a fire or flood. Could you also include a feature for ghost detection? I think it would sell big. Think about it. 

Dear The Office,
Have you ever heard of a thundershirt? You know, those compression jackets you put on dogs to calm them down when there's a bad storm? That's what you do for me. Especially after seeing something scary. I can always count on you, The Office. You're the third person in my marriage. Well, fourth. Me, Jordan, Jordan's beard, and you. Gonna need you later tonight when I turn the lights off and get scared again. 

Dear Ghosts, 
I am a nice lady and I'll give you whatever you want in exchange for not scaring me. I'm a good baker. Interested? Let's negotiate. 

TV Shows: Stream, Skip, Stream.

Jordan and I love TV. 

Well...I love TV. Jordan loves me. SO, by the laws of logic, Jordan loves TV. 

...is that not how that works? Maybe that's why I'm not an attorney. 

Anyway, there's a LOT of TV out there, people. It's crazy, actually, how much there is to consume. And in this age of "on-demand" everything, it's so easy to waste hours and hours of our lives on bad TV. And I don't mean bad TV is bad and makes fun of itself, like The Bachelor -- I'm talking about TV that thinks it's good, but is really terrible. 

 So, if you trust my taste, let me take a little of the workload off your shoulders: 

Here's a "stream-skip-stream" - what you should watch, and what you should pass on. 

STREAM: 

American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson. 

I'll admit, I was pretty skeptical about this show. Ryan Murphy tends to start off a series with this incredible momentum, and then it kind of devolves into ridiculousness (see: Nip/Tuck, Glee, and American Horror Story seasons 1 through 1,000,000). 

But THIS. This is good. 

If you're around my age, then you probably don't remember the OJ Simpson trial in enormous detail, even if you do remember it. Watching this show is such an interesting take on something that happened in our lifetimes, and that involves people who are still alive today. Murphy has done an incredible job with the casting; while lots of the actors physically differ from the characters they play (Rob Kardashian, a shorter guy, is played by David Schwimmer who's very tall, while OJ, a giant, is played by the teeny Cuba Gooding, Jr.), the performances they give far outshine the obvious physical differences between them and their characters. 

It examines issues like racism and sexism in a fresh way, honoring those subjects without beating you over the head with preachy monologues. Apart from all that, though, it's just plain entertaining. All the major moments in the case - the Bronco chase, the gloves being tried on, Marcia Clark's massive makeover - all this is covered on the show. 

You can stream this show from FX's website with a cable login. 

SKIP: 

This season of House of Cards. 

Ugh. I give up. 

I'll be the first to tell you that Season 1 of House of Cards is one of the greatest recent seasons of any show I've seen. It's so thrilling and intelligent, well-written, well-acted, and if that's not enough, Robin Wright's constant shoe porn is enough of a reason to watch.

But, like many shows, this one couldn't hold onto its integrity for very long. 

Seasons 1 and 2 of House of Cards were gripping and realistic, but Season 3 definitely jumped the shark for me. 

I think my ultimate gripe about House of Cards is that it started as a quality show with a standard for itself, then turned into a soap opera while we weren't looking. Nothing against soap operas, but you can't claim to be one thing and then turn into something else while we aren't paying attention. And Season 5 is really too damn much. 

Without spoiling anything, I can tell you this: while this is the best performance Robin Wright has given in a few seasons, and the best storyline for, the plot line for Frank is so unbelievably absurd that the show, for me, became unwatchable. 

If you do choose to go for Season 5, go in with your expectations low. You'll be handed shocking scene after plot twist after OMG moment, but in the end, it doesn't really amount to much. 

STREAM: 

Fargo. 

No, not the movie. Although you should watch that, too. 

This show is an adaptation of the original 90's Fargo, and that takes place in the same universe. 

You guys, this show is REALLY GOOD. My dad and brother have been nagging Jordan and me about watching it for months, and we're really late to the party, since Season 2 has already come and gone. 

We just finished Season 1 and are truly hooked. Season 1 follows Lester Nygaard, played by Martin Freeman, and Lorne Malvo, played by the freaking bone-chilling Billy Bob Thornton, through their clandestine meeting and subsequent criminal entanglement. If you thought you were freaked out by Angelina showing up with Billy Bob's blood around her neck, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Subtly funny, sharp as a tack, and not for the faint of heart (there's definitely some intense violence), you will never be sorry that you sat down to watch this show. It the fine, quality TV that proves we're living in the Golden Age of Television. 

Hopefully, this will save you time, and turn you on to a couple of great shows if you haven't seen them already. Really wild about both the ones I recommended, and House of Cards? Well, we all gotta go sometime. 

Good Friday: Mary

Good Friday is such a rough day on the liturgical calendar. 

When I was thinking about what song I wanted to cover next with my friend Landon, Patty Griffin's Mary jumped out in my head for two reasons. 

1. The lyrics to this song are truly gorgeous, and reflect this sense of the woman behind the man. Mary, mother of Jesus, brought him into the world, had to watch him leave it. I think my favorite line in this song is the chorus: 

"Jesus said, 'Mother, I couldn't stay another day longer.'
Flies right by, leaves a kiss upon her face.
While the angels are singin' praises in a blaze of glory,
Mary stays behind and starts cleaning up the place." 

It reminds me of the hundreds of times I've seen my own mother stay behind to clean up after a celebration or a funeral or a holiday - and it's humanizing to think about the people who were left after Jesus was crucified. What were they feeling? What did they have left in those three days before the resurrection? 

2. This won't happen until Easter, but there is a part of the Easter story where Mary Magdalene is walking in a garden after Jesus has been crucified. She begins a conversation with someone she thinks is the gardener trying to find out where they've laid Jesus' body, until about halfway through that conversation when the "gardener" speaks her name. 

"Mary." 

For me, this is always a particularly arresting moment on Easter Sunday. Though I go by Mary Catherine, my immediate family calls me, "Mary." Hearing not only my name, but the name I'm called by those who love me most, said out loud by a risen Jesus, is overwhelming for me and makes me cry every single time. The idea that Jesus speaks our names and in that moment, we come to recognize all the things in our lives in which he's been present all along? The idea that Jesus SPEAKS OUR NAMES at all? It's too much goodness. My eyes have to leak so my heart has room to hold it all.

So with all of that, on this liturgically gloomy day that precedes the very brightest day, I hope you enjoy this offering  - all instrumental credit, as usual, goes to the great Landon Heckman. 

Kids' Movies as an Adult: Rikki Tikki Tavi

Recently, Jordan said something that sounded like he was saying "Toot Sweets." If you were a musical theater loving child like me, you would have (as I did) broken into the song "Toot Sweets," from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. If you're a musical theater loving person married to a person who is bewildered by musical theater, you can imagine Jordan's completely confused reaction. 

So I played him this video, which then sent us down a rabbit hole of all things Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. 

You guys, that move is TERRIFYING. What the actual hell. 

SO, an idea was born: what if I started a series, similar to Bachelor recaps, complete with screenshots, of children's movies that are totally inappropriate/super scary to watch as an adult?

And what if we started with Rikki Tikki Tavi?  

Rikki Tikki Tavi
Or, The movie your 7th grade English teacher played when a substitute came.

If you haven't had the pleasure, this movie is on YouTube here. It's only about 23 minutes, but it's 23 minutes of film that will seep straight into your brain stem and never leave. I could probably review this movie without re-watching, although I'm definitely going to re-watch it. Right now. 

Okay.

First of all, none of the human characters have pupils, which is just pretty damn upsetting right out of the gate. 

I do not like that. 

This little British (except for the son, who has a very suspicious American accent) family, living in India, rescues our hero Rikki Tikki Tavi from drowning in a big storm. By the way, the narration that runs through this movie is bone-chilling. The guy who's talking sounds like a mixture of Slugworth from Willy Wonka and Ernest Hemingway's ghost. 

We are then introduced to RTT's incredibly fast-moving ways, where he turns into a big long blob and then materializes at his destination. 

Fast little bugger, isn't he? Rikki is very winning. He's voiced by somebody who sounds very handsome and also sounds like Greg Kinnear. I am now going to IMDB and see whether I'm right.

Some fellow named Shep Menken. 

ORSON WELLS IS THE NARRATOR?! OH MY GOSH I really nailed it on the Hemingway's ghost thing.  

...why is his index finger black?? 

Anyway, sorry about that. Google is a dangerous place. 

So. Back to the story. 

RTT basically cozies up to this family who adores him. He even gets to sleep in bed with Teddy, the kid. The mom is not wild about this for obvious reasons (RABIES AND OTHER DISEASES), but the dad is all, "Stop being a hysterical woman and let this rat sleep on our kid's head. GOD CAROL YOU'RE SO DRAMATIC." 

Her name is not actually Carol.

RTT goes out in this family's extensive garden, because they are obviously #rich. I, as an adult, am extremely jealous of this very spacious house with all this square footage. Kids just don't appreciate that sort of thing. 

RTT goes out to make some friends and meets a bird couple who seem distressed for some reason. They explain that one of their babies fell out of the nest yesterday and got eaten by Nag. Just as Rikki asks who Nag is, we get introduced to this horrible thing, who speaks only in whispers. 

You really need to watch this part of the movie to get the full effect, including the freaky ass music the play and the whispering snake. It really is truly so disturbing. 

RTT freaks out for a moment, then remembers that he eats snakes for lunch (literally), so he starts to feel himself a little more. 

Go, Rikki, go, Rikki! 

Before long, Nag's nasty wife Nagaina (who is equally, if not more, terrifying than her spouse) tries to shank RTT from behind. Thankfully, the lady bird warns him in enough time for him to jump and escape sudden snake death. But now, Nagaina is PISSED. 

Rikki takes a little jaunt around the garden to figure out what to do about this cobra problem, and Teddy runs out to meet him, offering him a casual peanut from his pocket. But as soon as he holds it out, a snake rises up out of the dust and LITERALLY SAYS, "Be careful, I am death." 

Are you freaking kidding me. 

So yeah, this kid almost gets killed for what will not the only time in this movie, by the second-most venomous snake in the world: the Eastern brown snake (I looked it up). "I am death." Cool. Normal. In a kids' movie. 

Anyway, RTT just goes ahead and finishes this snake off, actually brushes his shoulders off and is like, "What, that? No big," much to the delight of the family. They're celebrating his bravery and hopefully lecturing their son about not just holding peanuts willy nilly in the damn yard. 

That night, Rikki patrols the house and meets the Chuchundra, the saddest bastard in all of India. 

Chuchundra is inexplicably crying and tells RTT to steer clear of the cobras. He also makes some weird veiled reference to something his rat cousin, Chua, told him, but we never figure out what that was. Real plot hole here, people.  

Rikki starts listening out for any danger, and thinks he hears the cobras in the house. The narrator describes this sound in the creepiest possible way if you're already imagining a snake slithering around: "The house was still, but he thought he could just catch the faintest scratch scratch in the world. A noise as faint as that of a wasp walking on a windowpane." 

HELL no.

RTT identifies this sound as the cobras slithering into one of the (many) bathrooms of the house. 

I'd like to pause here and tell you a quick story, if you'll allow it. 

A coworker told me a story recently about her fiancé, who was out mowing the lawn in Asheville one day and encountered a black snake that was about 5' long. (Are you freaking out yet?) 

He immediately left the lawn mower and went inside to shower the heebie jeebies off him. When he opened the shower door, the snake was CURLED UP ON HIS BATHMAT AT THE FOOT OF THE SHOWER. YES. THIS IS A REAL STORY. 

It had followed him inside. Real life. He left the screen door open. He had to JUMP OVER IT to get out of the bathroom and by the time he'd gotten someone to come and get it out, it had crawled up the wall of his bathroom and situated itself around the top of the shower. 

"But Mary Catherine, black snakes aren't pois --" I DON'T CARE IT'S THE SCARIEST STORY EVER. 

Now that we all have ants in our freakin' pants, let's return to the dead of night in India. 

Nag and Nagaina post up outside the house with a plot to murder the entire family in order to rid the house of people, and, by default, snake-killing mongooses. They're worried their brood of babies will be murdered by RTT if he lives. No people = no mongoose. 

Nag hatches a plan to curl up at the base of a giant vase and bite the dad when he comes in to take a bath the next morning. 

RTT knows it's dangerous, but he goes for it anyway. He and Nag scrap and scuffle, but in the end, the victory is RTT's. I wish I could describe to you the absolutely PAINFUL sensation of having your entire body covered in goosebumps at watching a fictional vermin and snake fight on your computer. Moongoosebumps. (Had to.) 

By the way, that last frame is how the movie communicates to us that Nag is dead. It's like a gang sign. BOOM. There's also a weird swell of the horn section at this part. I'm telling you, just go watch this movie. I feel like there's a snake somewhere in my house right now. 

So RTT, fresh off his victory, but not cocky enough to forget he's got another snake to settle with, peruses the garden the next morning. The male bird starts singing RTT a song he's written for him, but Rikki has no time for this foolishness. 

After the entirety of this original song, the bird finally helps RTT out and lets him know Nagaina is mourning Nag on the trash pile. Rikki is more concerned with destroying her eggs, so he forms a secret plan with the dumb bird's smart bird wife (man, Rudyard Kipling really believed in the sharp female spouses of the dumb male counterparts, didn't he?). 

Sensible female bird goes off to distract Nagaina by pretending her wing is broken. Nagaina pursues her because she was the one who kept Rikki from getting smoked early in the story by warning him of Nagaina's attack. 

"Indeed and truly, you've chosen a bad place to be lame in." Nagaina is SERIOUSLY hateful. 

Meanwhile, RTT is already in the melon bed making scrambled cobra eggs - all except one, which he steals to bait Nagaina.

Y'all seriously though, chillbumps watching this. Nagaina, knowing that revenge on a bird < revenge on the humans, who she *thinks* killed Nag. Bird Wife warns RTT, who goes running at the speed of sound, to find this HORRIFYING SCENE GOOD GOD. 

RTT temps Nagaina to fight him with the egg he stole. 

So she does. 

RTT chases Nagaina through the garden and eventually catches hold of her tail, but she pulls him down into her snake hole and we lose sight of him.

At this point, the bird, who like 2 minutes ago was celebrating Rikki as a hero, actually says out loud, "It's all over for Rikki. We must sing his death song." 

AND THEN HE DOES. 

Maybe this bird needs to learn a little something about jumping to conclusions. If I was his wife, I would be shaking my damn head. 

Actually bowing her head in shame, bless her heart. 

But what's that noise? RIKKI EMERGES VICTORIOUS!! 

Aaaaaaaand that bird is back to singing. I mean I'm talking something happens and seconds later this bird is singing a really presumptuous song about it. 

Rikki goes back to sleeping with Teddy and protecting the house, so that no snake "dares show its head inside the garden walls." 

INAPPROPRIATENESS FOR CHILDREN:  

Not inappropriate. Really fairly kid-friendly.

 
OVERALL SCARINESS: 

I don't care how comfortable you are with snakes - the music paired with the whispering cobras paired with the creepy imagery and scuttling sounds snakes make?! NO. I dare you to watch this movie free of goosebumps. 

Okay, pals. 'Til next time.  

DNR - JTI.

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear female celebrities on the red carpet, 
I understand the whole #askhermore thing. I don't think you should be relegated to answering questions about how you juggle raising your children while having a career, when the male celebs who are also parents get to talk about how they got into character or who they think will be President. 

BUT. 

You have been given scores of outfits from which to choose by the most elite designers in the world. You are wearing thousands and thousands of dollars' worth: gown, jewels, shoes, hair and makeup styling. The question, "Who are you wearing?" is not offensive unless it's the only thing you're asked. So answer it, and stop being a brat. You are a walking advertisement for a design house and you're living every girl's dream. DNR - JTI. 

Dear author of Suri's Burn Book, 
Please post more often. It's so amazing when you do. I want like a daily, maybe even hourly, post. Just think about it. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Apple TV remote,
YOU ARE SO SMALL AND EASY TO LOSE. PLEASE GET BIGGER. I CAN'T EVER FIND YOU AND I WANT TO. ("But Mary Catherine, you can download an app on your phone to control it!" NO I CAN'T BECAUSE MY PHONE'S SOFTWARE IS TOO OLD AND I WON'T LET APPLE EAT MY STORAGE WITH A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM IN ORDER MAKE ME BUY A BETTER IPHONE. 

Sorry I yelled. I got carried away. DNR - JTI.

Dear Adam Scott,
I don't know why I don't like you. It's hard for me to watch you on shows like Parks and Rec, because I find your brand of comedy to be "constantly exasperated condescension" and it wears me out. You are kind of a human marsupial and I just don't know what to do with you. I think your character in Step Brothers is probably who you actually are in real life. Sorry. DNR - JTI.

Dear Cast of "House of Cards," 
Not every Southern person has the same accent. I don't understand why every Southern character on your show (and you have a lot) sounds like someone from Savannah in the 1940's. So tell all the colleagues of "Frank and Clayuh Undahwood" to give it a rest or watch a YouTube tutorial. DNR - JTI. Also, War Eagle.

Dear Kate McKinnon,
My husband has an enormous crush on you. Every time you come on the screen, he's mesmerized. Thank you for being a lesbian so I don't have to worry that he's going to leave me for you, because otherwise that would be a concern. You are hysterical and one of the best cast members of all time. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Ben Higgins, 
You know the right girl to pick. You know that BroJo is not going to be a good long-term choice. You know you don't love her. You know it's The Bee. If you don't pick The Bee, we're all gonna be disappointed in you. My bracket is already ruined, so at least do us this one solid. Don't forget to shave your face before the big proposal scene, ya big ol' nerd. DNR - JTI.

Dear daylight savings time,
You suck. DNR - JTI. 

The Scientist

Good morning, friends! 

One of Jordan's really dear friends from dental school, Landon Heckman, reached out to me recently, and we've been covering some music together. I linked our cover of "Love Yourself" a few weeks ago. We threw that together pretty quickly. 

This cover, though, we've spent a couple of weeks working on. I'm really proud of it. So impressed by Landon's instrumental work (all I contributed were the vocals) and really pleased with how it came out. I hope you enjoy.