Fetch or Wretch? The 2018 Emmy Awards

SNORE.

Y’all! This Emmys was so borrrrrrring (and, despite the chirpy little opening number, very white. Which wouldn’t have necessarily been as problematic if the production hadn’t been so self-congratulatory about the “most diverse group of nominees ever” at every single opportunity…but I digress.). Easily the best part of the show was this moment, which had both my husband and me agape on the couch choking up (shut up, Jordan, you know you did):

Oh my gosh I just watched it and cried all over again. HIS MOM’S RING, Y’ALL

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Whew. But THAT isn’t what we’re here to talk about, is it, my friends? No, we’re here to dissect Emmy fashion with a sharp, merciless knife.

ROUND ‘EM UP!

FETCH.

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Rachel Brosnahan.

The woman knew she was going to be picking up an award (and the show itself swept the evening), and she DRESSED FOR IT. This is pretty down-the-line flawless and you could tell she felt like a million bucks.

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Thandie Newton.

THE BITCH DOESN’T AGE. This knocked me out. Styling, accessory choices, color, how they managed to keep that dress wrinkle-free all night…so many things to praise. There are several people last night that shocked me with their agelessness - Thandie Newton, Angela Bassett, Sandra Oh, Heidi Klum. Speaking of the last two, let’s just go ahead and put ‘em where they belong…

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Heidi Klum.

Gotta give credit where credit’s due.

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Sandra Oh.

Very disappointed we didn’t get to hear a speech from this amazing actress who I LOVE, but the dress said it all. What an amazing statement and a banner night for Asian American actresses, despite the loss. Although the real star of the red carpet wasn’t Sandra Oh, but instead was her mom, who wore the most FABULOUS hanbok I have ever seen. Mrs. Oh - we are here for you, girl. Google the image, the stupid internet won’t let me find a good one. Just trust me.

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Tracee Ellis Ross

Lemme just be basic here for a minute and scream ‘YAS QUEEN!’ I mean are you kidding me?! This is so beyond fabulous I can’t. I canNOT.

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Ru Paul.

Another that needs no commentary. Sashay away!

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Leslie Jones.

Look, this one is tough. Do I love the length of the pants? No, I do not. Do I love the button placement that skews her proportions? Nope. But the color, her confidence, and the overall cut/fit of this custom Christian Siriano gets my vote, especially because CS has made a habit of dressing women who aren’t runway sizes and making them feel fabulous and confident. And she certainly felt both. Please pay special attention to her reaction during that proposal video - SO good.

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Angela Sarafyan.

So elegant, so gorgeous, so darkly Cinderella. I LOVED it.

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Kristen Bell.

Another tough one for me because that neckline is damn near impossible to pull off. But from every angle, sister was WORKING IT. The fit and the styling are perfection.

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Sarah Paulson.

I thought this was pretty divine. The low-cut bodice is right on the edge of not great, but everything else (the feathers, the length, the head styling) works.

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Jessica Biel.

I am damn near positive that the major critique of this gown will be that it looks like it’s made of coffee filters. Even so, I thought it was beautiful.

There are more Fetches, but I have to take my son to the doctor so that he can pee all over the nurses the second his diaper is removed, so let’s just get to the real reason we’re all gathered here today, shall we?

WRETCH.

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Emilia Clarke.

Such a disappointment. Her head is so beautiful. Her body is sublime. But that dress looks like leftover Halloween decorations and dead flowers glued to a tarp. And I am VERY VERY OVER THE SHEER BODICE TREND. Can’t we all say once and for all that it’s dead, never again to be resurrected?! It’s so tacky looking! The Mother of Dragons really let us down - maybe she’ll pull it out next year when GOT is over.

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Michelle Wolf.

I can’t decide if the bodice looks more like Maleficent’s head or cat-eye glasses, which would make her boobs the eyeballs, which is not something anyone wants to have said about what they wear to an awards show.

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Tiffany Haddish.

I know I know I know I know I know, this is the it girl, I love her so much - I really do!! But this dress is a PROBLEM. Remember those big, colorful, circular parachutes that you used to play with in gym class in elementary school and all your classmates would hold onto the outsides and lift it up at the same time? …mmhmm. I know she’s honoring her dad’s culture, but that doesn’t make this a good dress. Not her fault, she’s still the best, but…PE parachute.

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Ellie Kemper.

Another fave of mine, but I think she slipped in a vat of old tea. It looks like a Project Runway design where the theme was “Breakfast Beverages.” It’s the same color as her head/skin/lips/hair. Have I said enough? K.

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Scarlett Johannessenenenennnnn

Her last name is impossible to spell and I’m too lazy to Google it. You’re not nominated, you’re not a Kardashian, and that Balmain silhouette is officially O-V-E-R. “Oh my dress is barely hanging onto my body oops there it goes!” Girl, pull up ya shoulder straps and go back home.

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JVN, Tan France, and Karamo Brown

WHY must you guys disappoint me so?! Bobby and Antoni get a pass. And I’m not hating simply because these three guys have avant garde looks - I’m hating because they are also awful. JVN - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, but we do not need to see your chest every single time you step onto a red carpet. Sheer is amaze, but let’s add some variety. Tan, you look like a Chanel vision except that suit reads as very “daytime” and is made even clunkier by the random addition of a heavy black boot and black bowtie. And Karamo…oh my. It’s like equestrian mixed with aging socialite mixed with…someone who wears a pocket watch. Strugs. To. Func.

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Aidy Bryant.

Lil’ Baby Aidy! I wanted to like this! But it’s more “I’m going to my best friend’s bridal shower,” and less “I’m nominated for an Emmy.” Too informal, step up the game! But the hair is giving me life.

And finally, for this year’s WRETCHEST OF THEM ALL…


drum roll please

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Amy Sherman-Palladino.

What the HOT HELL.

She can’t decide if she wants to be the magician or the magician’s assistant.

This is the most annoying outfit I’ve ever seen. Begging for people to think she’s adorable and kitschy when in reality she appears to have walked into a costume shop whilst on mushrooms. I get that hats are your thing, lady, but this is HORRIFYING. Don’t try to win me over with your quirkiness. I live in Asheville, okay? I regularly see a man who walks down the street in a chicken costume FOR NO REASON. He doesn’t work at a chicken store. He just feels like it. You’re not impressing me. You are also pretty annoying and both your speeches were very “I’m a 13-year-old theater kid, LOVE ME!!!!”

And her hose were ripped.

…and that hat.

Don’t look at it too long. It wounds the eyeballs.

That’s it for me, kids - see you soon. Keep your fingers crossed that only one nurse is taken out with Mac’s unbelievable geyser of urine.

The 7-Minute Blowout

I am so excited to share this with y'all! You know that feeling when you go to the salon, get a great blowout, and then when you try to wash your hair and recreate it, you're defeated and also kind of haggard? 

ME TOO, GIRL. 

This blowout has given me  L I F E   since I mastered the technique. Together with OI All In One Milk, this method of drying my hair has not only saved me so much time, but has also given me a shiny, touchable blowout that lasts for days. I can't say enough good things about it. Even if you have super thick hair, this should work! It might be a ten minute blowout for you super-thick-haired girls. Hehe! 

All you'll need is a hairdryer with a nozzle, a paddle brush, a volumizing spray or mousse, and a pre-treatment like OI's All In One Milk (which I use in this video). 

I hope this saves you time so you can get to the business of being awesome!

Pin Curls that Last for 5 Days

Hey, friends!

So one of the big resolutions I made to myself when I started this blog a few years ago was that I didn’t want to be a fashion/beauty/lifestyle blogger. Today, I’m breaking that promise to bring you something that I believe is pretty freakin’ worthwhile: the 5-day hairstyle.  

You heard right: style once, wear for 5 days. Don’t believe me? Check it out. 

This little trick has helped me enormously since I had a baby, though I figured it out long before Mac was born. I was always a person who said, “My hair won’t hold curl.” It turns out that’s a bunch of hooey. ANYONE’S hair can hold curl - even the most limp, flat, fine, straight hair. Trust.  

So this process is called “pin curling,” and it’s a really old technique. The science behind it is that if you allow your hair to cool while it’s still in the shape of a curl, it retains the shape for a lot longer. Think about it: if you curl your hair with a curling iron, then immediately let it drop back down as it cools, the curl will be a lot looser because it’s cooling in a more open, wider shape, instead of in a tightly-wound curl.  

It’s a little bit of work on the front end, but it takes no more than twenty minutes. And when you’re through, you have 5-day hair - 20 minutes for 5 days? Worth it.  

You’ll need: 

- Clean hair
- Duck clips (the long, silver clips you see at the salon) 
- A 1’’ curling iron (if yours is a little larger or smaller, that’s fine - we’ll get to how you can make that work) 
- L'Oreal TXT It Tousle Wave Spray (optional, but great)
- 20 minutes

Step One:  

Wash, dry, and blow your hair out. A “blowout” doesn’t need to be salon-quality - it just needs to straighten your hair and get it completely dry. I divide my hair into two sections with a large clip, dry the bottom half with a paddle brush, then dry the top half with a round brush, pulling the brush up and through my hair as I dry it to give it some volume around the crown. Whatever method works for you is fine - just needs to get the job done.  

Step Two:  

Grab a two-inch section of hair and use your curling iron to curl it under, all the way toward your scalp. The direction you curl it is up to you - if you want to have a salon blowout look, curl it under. If you’re going for more of a Victoria’s Secret wave, curl the hair around the closed barrel of your curling iron. That’ll make more sense in the video below. 

Step Three:  

Release the hair from the curling iron. Then, using two fingers on your non-dominant hand, curl the section of hair around your fingers back up in the same direction as before, and secure it with a duck clip. Make sure the curve of the clip is facing toward your scalp, not away. If it sounds confusing, use the video tutorial below as a guide. 

Step Four:  

Repeat the process until your whole head is covered in pins.

Step Five:  

Give your hair some time to set. Do some housework, make some phone calls, or if you’re doing it in the morning before work, make this the first step in your routine. Do your makeup and have your coffee while your hair cools!  

Step Six:  

Take your hair down and comb through it with a wide-toothed comb. Don’t worry - this step isn’t going to destroy your curls. It’s just going to calm them down. Make sure you complete this step with at least ten minutes before you need to be anywhere so that your hair has time to settle and you don’t look like you shoved your finger in a light socket, like so:

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To maintain your curls all week long:  

Before bed each night, wrap your hair into a twisted bun and secure it with a rubber band. I usually loop one loop all the way around the hair, and take the other loop halfway over the bun to make sure it stays in place all night (watch the video below for a detailed walk-through).

In the morning, take your hair down and you’ll discover that you’ve still got an “out in public” ready head of hair. Hooray!  

Just to show you that this works, I documented 5 days’ worth of hair for you. I curled it on a Thursday, and the last photo was taken on a Monday.  

Thursday:  

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Friday (yes, I’m wearing the same shirt, I have a newborn, don’t judge me):  

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Saturday (featuring my goofy husband):   

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 Sunday: 

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Monday (the messiest and yuckiest day):   

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As they say in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "So there you go!" 

I hope this has been helpful and will save you some time in the mornings that you could use snuggling your babies, sleeping in, or getting extra work done. 

Thus endeth my stint as a fashion blogger.  

*Bows*  

Pregnancy Product Recommendations

Happy Tuesday! 

OH MY GOSH DOUG JONES FREAKING WON THE SENATE, PEOPLE. HE WON. A DEMOCRAT. IN ALABAMA. IT'S A HUGE DEAL. HUGE. ENORMOUS. 

Mmkay.

Since I'm just sitting on "go" waiting for this baby to be born, I thought I'd record a short(ish) video recommending some products that have really worked for me this pregnancy. I got lots of helpful tips from girlfriends of mine, and some things I just trial-and-errored for myself. 

I've included links to all my recommendations in the text below the video, so if you know someone who's pregnant, click around! I can guarantee a big ol' hug if you were to gift your pregnant pal any of the following things. 

(In the future, it'd be great if someone could remind me not to shoot a video of my extremely pregnant face from a low angle. Holy double chins, y'all. W/e, I'm too pregnant to care!) 

Holiday Gifts for Neighbors and Colleagues!

HEY EVERYBODY, REMEMBER ME? 

Yeah, it's been a minute. I've just decided to give myself some grace about updating since I am exactly 9 days (at the most) from giving birth. Which is a sentence I can type and understand in theory but really is melting my brain into a puddle of Gak on the floor. 

(Nickelodeon Gak? Anyone? Anyone?) 

ANNNNNNNNYway, the point is, I have my entire house decorated for Christmas and my nursery done. My hospital bags are packed. I am completely ready to go, which means that for the next little while until this baby decides to make its debut, I need things to occupy myself. 

Enter: a project! 

I usually bake things for my neighbors at Christmas, but this year (with the help of my mom, as you'll see in a moment), I thought it would be fun to do more of a crafty gift. The idea of these cute lil' guys it that the recipient can dump out the contents of the jar into some water, simmer it on the stovetop, and make their house smell like Christmas! Once you've gathered all your ingredients, this is an incredibly easy and fun project that makes your OWN house smell delicious as you work on it. It's also really kid-friendly, so if you have young babies at home, they can easily help in assembling your jars. 

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You will need: 

  • An assistant who has graphic design experience and make your tags adorable, if you're 9 months pregnant, will go pick up all these ingredients for you and bring them to your house along with lunch. (Okay, you don't REALLY need that, but it sure does help!)
  • Halo or Cutie clementines 
  • Whole cranberries 
  • Christmas tree clippings
  • Mulling spices (available at World Market!) 
  • Mason jars 
  • Festive ribbon 
  • Cute gift tags 

Then just work from the bottom up! Start with your mulling spices, which is really the key to making this smell so dadgum fabulous: 

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Next, add a handful of cranberries: 

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One or two clementines, depending on the size of your jar: 

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And then fill the top with Christmas tree clippings: 

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Seal off the jar, tie some ribbon around the top, and add a cute message along with some instructions, to the tag. Voila! 

 (Sorry about the extra text here - this was downloaded from my Instagram story because it was the only photo I had of the tags. Oops!) 

(Sorry about the extra text here - this was downloaded from my Instagram story because it was the only photo I had of the tags. Oops!) 

It's so colorful and fun AND functional - the best part about these jars is that, as the water boils/simmers out, the recipient can just add more water and leave the same ingredients in your pan. Get creative if you don't have mulling spice on hand - you can use cinnamon sticks, cloves, ground nutmeg - all scents of the season. 

Hope you enjoy!