Fetch or Wretch: Oscars 2019

Here we are again, friends, at the precipice of some major decision-making. The Academy’s decisions have been made (*ahemBradleyCooperwasrobbed*), but we’ve yet to hand down our rulings. Walk with me as we judge this year’s fashion, which includes a new category called “Girl, I GUESS...” because there were simply so many underwhelming fashion choices this year. 

First, let’s bathe our eyeballs in the gloriousness of  

FETCH.    

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Gemma Chan.

Gemma Chan is a person who looks like she was created in a lab to be an example of a perfect human specimen. She was on that show...what was that show...where she played a robot, and it was extremely believable. Because SHE IS GORGEOUS. Anyway, pink was having a moment last night and I absolutely loved every second of this. And speaking of pink... 

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Kacey Musgraves.

 Fresh off her Grammy landslide, this chicken was ready to rock and roll. She is never afraid to take a risk and be playful with what she wears, which I love. This dress is ethereal perfection and so is she.  And if Andy Cohen, with whom I’m normally aligned 100%, wants to come for Kacey’s hair one more time? He’s gonna have to go through ME, Y’ALL.

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Michelle Yeoh.

Both bold and ethereal and perfectly proportioned. For anyone who still questions my Wretchest pick from the Grammys (Katy Perry) and is curious about what a well-executed neckline looks like, this is it. I feel like this might get panned as being the tiniest bit age inappropriate, but if you got it, flaunt it. And she got it. 

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Lady Gaga.

I mean COME ON WITH THIS. It is so movie star, so glam, so elegant. But it’s also so her. The hip details, the opera gloves, the fact that she wore Alexander McQueen (a designer who dressed her when she was coming up in the music industry and whose clothes she’s worn in many a music video), and that big ol’ honkin’ Tiffany diamond around her neck that’s worth $50 million - all these things scream Gaga.  LOVE the understated makeup. NOW WILL YOU AND BRADLEY COOPER JUST PLEASE DATE ALREADY THANKS BYE. That performance. I cannot. I have died. Gootbye.

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Ashley Graham.

This is very simple, but a master class in dressing for your body type. That silhouette is BEYOND.  

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Amandla Stenberg.

Completely stunning. The drape of this and the color and the head styling...so beautiful. Very 20’s without being too kitschy.  

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Tessa Thompson.

This is so beautiful and SO old-school. Love the length, the embellishments, love the hair.  

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Melissa McCarthy.

Okay y’all. Honestly, this isn’t a full “fetch” for me because of her head styling. But we’re including her because Melissa McCarthy looks IN.CREDIBLE. The outfit is so gorgeous and the colors are beautiful on her. We’re just going to ignore that her hair is...not what I would’ve chosen.  

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Laura Herrier.

This dress is ALMOST too tight. The bust is problematic. But the color and the embellishments are really pretty. It squeaked into this category, but it’s here.  

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Danai Gurira.

So cool, so different, LOVE the color, she looks like royalty, I know I can’t say it because I am #thewhitest but will someone else please scream, “Wakanda Forever!”??  

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Elsie Fisher.

Absolutely LOVE THIS LOOK. She is serving young Diane Keaton and I am here. For. It. This girl is living her 14-year-old truth and wearing something that she feels comfortable in. I think it’s deeply fabulous.  

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Regina King.

It doesn’t get better than this. And she won, to boot! 

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Emma Stone.

Went back and forth on this about a thousand times before I finally decided on “fetch.” Her dress looks like an actual cobra. It’s snakeskin-y and the shoulder pads are the cobra’s hood. But even with the snakiness, I think it’s great. Fits incredibly and I like what her head looks like. 

 

Now, a new category. There were so many “almosts” or “not quites” this year that they needed their own category. Some of these are perfectly pretty, they’re just so BORRRRRING. So, here we are, with a little blurb about why each one didn’t set my wig on fire.  

GIRL, I GUESS.  

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Emilia Clarke.

Certainly lengthens her, but that bunching detail by the hip gives me bugs.  

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Glenn Close.

Everyone else is freaking out about this. She was definitely dressing for the job she wanted (AKA dressing like the Oscar statuette itself), but it doesn’t feel like “her” and it clearly weighs 1,000,000 pounds.  

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Constance Wu.

It’s beautiful but this was such a MOMENT, and her co-stars were BRINGING IT. This just feels a little prom-y.  

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Billy Porter.

I mean gender bend all you want, henny, but those weird Victorian sleeves sticking out of your well-tailored tux jacket are killin’ me. Everything else is kind of flawless.  

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Brie Larson.

Everything works except for the weird low cutouts under the arms. That’s a part that no woman wants to really feature. So...I guess.  

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J Lo.

Look, we all know that J Lo is the pinnacle of human beauty. She ages in reverse. Time has no effect on her. And yet, this is just so...expected. She could do anything with that face and head of hair and body on one of the biggest fashion nights of the year. Why this?  

 

Okay, congregants. Now, for the reason you all came today. 

WRETCH:  

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Sandy Powell.

Girl, I’m not gonna lie - I absolutely love this. You had me until we got to the shoes. It’s what my icons Tom and Lorenzo call a “scrolldown fug:” gets uglier with every minute down the page. SO close. 

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Rachel Weisz.

Cherry flavored condom mixed with Camelot.  

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Laura Dern.

*You’ll love David’s Briiiiidal!*

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Charlize Theron.

Look, this woman can almost do no wrong. But unless she was photographed from the perfect angle, this dress made her look droopy and badly proportioned. I see where this was trying to go and it was ALMOST there, but the weird fit plus the dark hair...it’s just a miss. 

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Allison Janney.

AJ is suffering from a familiar affliction for all us girls who dye our hairs that I lovingly dub, “Skunk Head.” Girl, those bangs are a fully different color than your head. They gotta go.

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Sarah Paulson.

I LOVE me some Sarah Paulson, but she looks like she’s trying to protect her chest from wind or water damage. Doesn’t that look like some kind of furniture cover?? It’s bad. She’s great, but this is bad.

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Molly Sims.

Those cutouts draw our attention immediately to them and when we get there, I’m betting that’s not the look Molly was going for. It’s just a fit issue.

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Hannah Beachler.

That shoulder detail looks like some kind of exploding mushroom on the forest floor. She might need to breathe through some sort of protective mask to avoid inhaling the fungus.

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Linda Cardellini.

Another one I went back and forth on a dozen times. I LOVE so much about this, but the high/low skirt eventually killed it for me. It’s just too much on a dress that is already too much.

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Angela Bassett.

Now BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME, hear me out. Angela Bassett is a queen, a goddess among mere mortals. SHE herself is not deserving of this category. But her team? The team of stylists that allowed her to get into a limo, sit down, and then stand on a step and repeat with a dress full of horrible wrinkles that totally distract from the impact of the look?? THEY ARE WRETCHED. She needs to surround herself with people who bring her to the fullness of her FABULOUSNESS. Sashay away, Angela’s team. Y’all have messed up.

AND NOW…FOR THE WRETCHEST OF THEM ALL….

ZOOEY DESCHANEL!

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Oh man oh man oh man…let’s start by saying that this woman is adorable, stylish, and normally really cutes-y and on point. This is SUCH a departure from her normal aesthetic and I think that’s probably why it stands out so much. The top half of this dress looks like a swimsuit coverup/what your friend Stacy wore to the club in 2004. It also reads as wildly casual for the occasion. Yet another otherwise fashionable woman taken down by a troublesome neckline that skews her proportions so violently that it is physically tic-inducing to look at her standing next to another person. Sorry, friend. Whoever recommended this to you led you astray.

Learning to Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!

If you’re like me, you do an okay job at recycling, but not a great one. Recently, a study was released that said we pretty much have 12 years to get it together or else the world is going to explode.  

(Okay, maybe that’s dramatic, but it’s not much better than that. You can read it for yourself here.)  

While the majority of the change needs to come from large companies and their factories, there are simple things that you and I can do to help, too. Every tiny contribution is something!  

Since moving to Asheville, I’ve gotten to encounter a lot of folks who absolutely crush the recycling game. Not only that, but they’ve found ways to lessen their environmental impact that have taught me so much! I felt a little daunted by this concept at first because I’m not someone who can, let’s say, live without central air (obviously I can, I’m being a brat) - but I’m dipping my toe into the pool and taking my transformation into Eco Girl one step at a time.

Many of you may be thinking, “Yeah, dumb dumb - we’ve been on this train for a long time. You’re not telling us anything new.” If you’re one of those people, I salute you. If you’re more like I am, here are some things I’ve recently been inspired (I polled Instagram, too - so many of your answers made it into this post!) by that have helped me feel like I’m helping, even if it seems small! 

1. Wildly reducing the paper products we use.  

Let’s be realistic: I have a 10-month-old and a dog. I can’t NOT have paper towels in the house. But I used to use them for everything. Are we sitting down for a meal? Tear off a paper towel to use as a napkin. Do I need something to stick my bagel on in the morning? Paper towel. Mac threw solid food all over the floor under his high chair? Paper towel. 

We have cloth dish towels that we use to dry our hands off, but we were under-utilizing them. I recently bought a pack of surgical-grade towels from Amazon that are coming in so handy with all of Mac’s spills and any kitchen messes. Now, I just toss a dirty towel in the laundry rather than throwing a paper towel away. It’s been a week since I started this effort and I’ve only used 4 (!!!) paper towels! That’s an enormous difference for our family. Hoping to get down to zero!

2. No straws, napkins, or cutlery at restaurants; using glass containers to store food or reusing plastic containers from takeout. 

This can be a tough one if you’re driving through because of a road trip or some other truly time-sensitive reason, but if not, it’s a great way to change your habits. I stopped using plastic straws this summer! It’s a really easy thing to refuse - I’ve started saying, “No straw, please!” And it’s as simple as that.  

There are great companies that make washable metal or silicon straws, and even cutlery packets that you can take with you and re-use if you’re going somewhere that would give you plastic silverware. Easy and great! Best part - the people with whom you’re dining will also be inspired! Someone on Instagram even suggested bringing your own takeout containers to a restaurant from which you know you’ll take home leftovers. It’s brilliant!

Another great food-related suggestion I got is to buy glass containers for food storage and/or put containers you already have to use. Pay attention to which restaurants deliver food with compostable or reusable containers, and patronize their business. We vote with our dollars. 

And, sadly, red meat consumption has been proven to be tough on the environment. As a non-meat-eater, this one isn’t tough for me (just another excuse not to eat tons of meat!), but it’s a great way to make a change that’s both healthy for you and the earth.  

3. Keeping the AC at a reasonable temp.  

It’s really tough to do this one for me because I am a SUPER WIMP about heat (that’s what growing up in Alabama will do to you. I have summer PTSD). However, I guesssssss the planet is more important than my comfort UGHGHHGHGH. 

We keep our AC set to 74, although some of my friends keep theirs as high as 78 and many of my Asheville buddies don’t even have/use their AC at all. MIND BLOWING. I’m not at that level, but I can avoid cooling my house to freezing temps.  

 4. Buy in bulk. 

This is one I haven’t started putting into practice yet, so I’m excited to try. I’m learning so much about what products are sold in “single-serving” packages that are totally unnecessary. Toothbrushes, for example. Why buy one, individually packaged toothbrush when you could buy a pack of 6 and save packaging waste? 

This goes for food, too - buying in bulk at places like Costco can often save waste and save money. Items that are great bulk purchases: cereal or oatmeal; peanut butter; granola or any kind of protein/power bar; snack food like raisins, cashews, almonds; coffee, the list goes on and on. It also just occurred to me while writing this that this concept totally applies to toiletries as well!

5. Checking into what is included in curbside recycling.  

Believe it or not, lots of things you’d think are recyclable aren’t actually accepted by curbside services. Plastic grocery store bags are one of those items for us! It took me many moons to realize that. I’d been putting them in the bin without knowing - now, I know that if I take them back to our local grocery store, they ensure the bags get taken to the proper facility.  

Plastic bags that come from the dry cleaners are another no-no. Who knew?  

6. Vote! 

This might be the biggest way that we can make systemic change. We are at a point in our global society where unfortunately, small, individual actions aren’t going to be enough to change the future of our planet. Enter: people who can make a big difference.

This is a great one because it isn’t even a partisan issue! It’s based in science and data, which is a refreshing black and white in the midst of what can seem like a sea of uncertain grey. Climate change is real, global warming is real, and we need to elect leaders who both accept those facts and are ready to do something to address it. Midterms are coming - look into which candidates support saving our planet and go vote for them!  

And if you need help, here is a list of folks currently serving in Congress who do not acknowledge climate change as being real. You know what to do, y’all - boot ‘em! The stakes are just too high not to.

Fetch or Wretch? The 2018 Emmy Awards

SNORE.

Y’all! This Emmys was so borrrrrrring (and, despite the chirpy little opening number, very white. Which wouldn’t have necessarily been as problematic if the production hadn’t been so self-congratulatory about the “most diverse group of nominees ever” at every single opportunity…but I digress.). Easily the best part of the show was this moment, which had both my husband and me agape on the couch choking up (shut up, Jordan, you know you did):

Oh my gosh I just watched it and cried all over again. HIS MOM’S RING, Y’ALL

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Whew. But THAT isn’t what we’re here to talk about, is it, my friends? No, we’re here to dissect Emmy fashion with a sharp, merciless knife.

ROUND ‘EM UP!

FETCH.

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Rachel Brosnahan.

The woman knew she was going to be picking up an award (and the show itself swept the evening), and she DRESSED FOR IT. This is pretty down-the-line flawless and you could tell she felt like a million bucks.

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Thandie Newton.

THE BITCH DOESN’T AGE. This knocked me out. Styling, accessory choices, color, how they managed to keep that dress wrinkle-free all night…so many things to praise. There are several people last night that shocked me with their agelessness - Thandie Newton, Angela Bassett, Sandra Oh, Heidi Klum. Speaking of the last two, let’s just go ahead and put ‘em where they belong…

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Heidi Klum.

Gotta give credit where credit’s due.

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Sandra Oh.

Very disappointed we didn’t get to hear a speech from this amazing actress who I LOVE, but the dress said it all. What an amazing statement and a banner night for Asian American actresses, despite the loss. Although the real star of the red carpet wasn’t Sandra Oh, but instead was her mom, who wore the most FABULOUS hanbok I have ever seen. Mrs. Oh - we are here for you, girl. Google the image, the stupid internet won’t let me find a good one. Just trust me.

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Tracee Ellis Ross

Lemme just be basic here for a minute and scream ‘YAS QUEEN!’ I mean are you kidding me?! This is so beyond fabulous I can’t. I canNOT.

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Ru Paul.

Another that needs no commentary. Sashay away!

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Leslie Jones.

Look, this one is tough. Do I love the length of the pants? No, I do not. Do I love the button placement that skews her proportions? Nope. But the color, her confidence, and the overall cut/fit of this custom Christian Siriano gets my vote, especially because CS has made a habit of dressing women who aren’t runway sizes and making them feel fabulous and confident. And she certainly felt both. Please pay special attention to her reaction during that proposal video - SO good.

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Angela Sarafyan.

So elegant, so gorgeous, so darkly Cinderella. I LOVED it.

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Kristen Bell.

Another tough one for me because that neckline is damn near impossible to pull off. But from every angle, sister was WORKING IT. The fit and the styling are perfection.

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Sarah Paulson.

I thought this was pretty divine. The low-cut bodice is right on the edge of not great, but everything else (the feathers, the length, the head styling) works.

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Jessica Biel.

I am damn near positive that the major critique of this gown will be that it looks like it’s made of coffee filters. Even so, I thought it was beautiful.

There are more Fetches, but I have to take my son to the doctor so that he can pee all over the nurses the second his diaper is removed, so let’s just get to the real reason we’re all gathered here today, shall we?

WRETCH.

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Emilia Clarke.

Such a disappointment. Her head is so beautiful. Her body is sublime. But that dress looks like leftover Halloween decorations and dead flowers glued to a tarp. And I am VERY VERY OVER THE SHEER BODICE TREND. Can’t we all say once and for all that it’s dead, never again to be resurrected?! It’s so tacky looking! The Mother of Dragons really let us down - maybe she’ll pull it out next year when GOT is over.

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Michelle Wolf.

I can’t decide if the bodice looks more like Maleficent’s head or cat-eye glasses, which would make her boobs the eyeballs, which is not something anyone wants to have said about what they wear to an awards show.

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Tiffany Haddish.

I know I know I know I know I know, this is the it girl, I love her so much - I really do!! But this dress is a PROBLEM. Remember those big, colorful, circular parachutes that you used to play with in gym class in elementary school and all your classmates would hold onto the outsides and lift it up at the same time? …mmhmm. I know she’s honoring her dad’s culture, but that doesn’t make this a good dress. Not her fault, she’s still the best, but…PE parachute.

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Ellie Kemper.

Another fave of mine, but I think she slipped in a vat of old tea. It looks like a Project Runway design where the theme was “Breakfast Beverages.” It’s the same color as her head/skin/lips/hair. Have I said enough? K.

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Scarlett Johannessenenenennnnn

Her last name is impossible to spell and I’m too lazy to Google it. You’re not nominated, you’re not a Kardashian, and that Balmain silhouette is officially O-V-E-R. “Oh my dress is barely hanging onto my body oops there it goes!” Girl, pull up ya shoulder straps and go back home.

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JVN, Tan France, and Karamo Brown

WHY must you guys disappoint me so?! Bobby and Antoni get a pass. And I’m not hating simply because these three guys have avant garde looks - I’m hating because they are also awful. JVN - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, but we do not need to see your chest every single time you step onto a red carpet. Sheer is amaze, but let’s add some variety. Tan, you look like a Chanel vision except that suit reads as very “daytime” and is made even clunkier by the random addition of a heavy black boot and black bowtie. And Karamo…oh my. It’s like equestrian mixed with aging socialite mixed with…someone who wears a pocket watch. Strugs. To. Func.

And finally, for this year’s WRETCHEST OF THEM ALL…


drum roll please

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Amy Sherman-Palladino.

What the HOT HELL.

She can’t decide if she wants to be the magician or the magician’s assistant.

This is the most annoying outfit I’ve ever seen. Begging for people to think she’s adorable and kitschy when in reality she appears to have walked into a costume shop whilst on mushrooms. I get that hats are your thing, lady, but this is HORRIFYING. Don’t try to win me over with your quirkiness. I live in Asheville, okay? I regularly see a man who walks down the street in a chicken costume FOR NO REASON. He doesn’t work at a chicken store. He just feels like it. You’re not impressing me. You are also pretty annoying and both your speeches were very “I’m a 13-year-old theater kid, LOVE ME!!!!”

And her hose were ripped.

…and that hat.

Don’t look at it too long. It wounds the eyeballs.

That’s it for me, kids - see you soon. Keep your fingers crossed that only one nurse is taken out with Mac’s unbelievable geyser of urine.

The 7-Minute Blowout

I am so excited to share this with y'all! You know that feeling when you go to the salon, get a great blowout, and then when you try to wash your hair and recreate it, you're defeated and also kind of haggard? 

ME TOO, GIRL. 

This blowout has given me  L I F E   since I mastered the technique. Together with OI All In One Milk, this method of drying my hair has not only saved me so much time, but has also given me a shiny, touchable blowout that lasts for days. I can't say enough good things about it. Even if you have super thick hair, this should work! It might be a ten minute blowout for you super-thick-haired girls. Hehe! 

All you'll need is a hairdryer with a nozzle, a paddle brush, a volumizing spray or mousse, and a pre-treatment like OI's All In One Milk (which I use in this video). 

I hope this saves you time so you can get to the business of being awesome!