Contestant Rundown: The Bachelor

Oh, how I debated. 

Me: I don't want to cover this season. I think Nick is a slimeball and I hate him. 

Me to me: YOU IDIOT. 

...so, here I am. Covering it. And I'm gonna tell you right now, I am NOT going easy on this ass clown. 

But enough about him. I'll get to him. Don't worry. 

Before we talk about Nick (who I just decided I'm going to call "Rick" this season for fun because I don't respect enough to use his real name), we have to meet the ladies who are vying (inexplicably) for his attention. 

First of all, I want to say that I've never been more intrigued by a contestant group photo. Observe: 

group photo.jpg

RIGHT out of the gate, Rick is really really tall. Too tall. Normally tall is my thing, but they gave him a lot of teenty lil' tots in this season and he looks like a freaky scarecrow. 

(Wow. This is gonna be fun.) 

I've noted 7 women who I believe deserve extra attention. 

1. Lauren Bushnell. 
2. & 3. Standing awkwardly. 
4. Zebra. 
5. Leaning MUCH too far backwards. 
6. If you zoom in (and I obviously did), her dress has sheer strips cut out all the way to her bellybutton. 
7. Shark. 

Oh man I bet these girls are NUTS. 

As you know, I like to cite my sources. Here's where I'm getting these delightful bios. 

First up? 

 Alexis, 23 

Alexis, 23 

Alexis looks sweet, innocent, and likely to be eliminated early. Profile highlights: she has two tattoos (one is a star sign because #ofcourse), ranks the movies Good Will Hunting and Tristan and Isolde on the same critical plane, lists "my family" and "whitening strips" as things she couldn't live without, and is actively frightened of E.T. 

After closer examination, I'm also pretty positive this is our Shark. 

 Angela, 26

Angela, 26

Angela is a model and looks like a winner. Angela might be first out of the limo. Who even knows? She loves dolphins (...again with the dolphins?). I feel like Ang DEF did pageants at some point. She is fairly normal except she admits to licking the inside of the popcorn bag, which is something LITERALLY EVERYONE does but no one ever talks about. Fine, cool, next. 

 Astrid, 26

Astrid, 26

Astrid is a plastic surgery office manager. She ALSO lists the dolphin as her favorite animal, what the hell?? She is the second person who has listed fake eyelashes as something she couldn't live without. I'm going to keep a tally. Eyelashes: II. Her greatest fear is "dying alone and just getting old and wrinkly." Good news, Ass. You can ask your boss to fix that for ya. 

 Briana, 28 

Briana, 28 

Oh, Briana. Briana, Briana, Briana. This show is going to kill your spirit. You are this season's James Taylor. I am so sorry. Okay so let me expand the tally: Dolphins, IV. Ariel listed as the fictional character they'd most want to be: II. I wish you could see how far my eyeballs are rolled back in my head. What is it with these girls and flippers? 

 Brittany, 26

Brittany, 26

I won't even subject you to it. This is THE MOST boring contestant profile ever. If you want to go read it, go read it. I promise you'll get dumber from lack of stimulation. Which, as you know, means Brittany is too good for this show and shouldn't do it. 

 Christen, 25

Christen, 25

Jojo??? Oh, no. Sorry. My bad. Two things about her - just gonna copy/paste them. 

If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? The President. So curious what actually goes on back there (a.k.a. the show, Scandal).

...someone has let Secret Service know about her, right? 

 

 Corrine, 24

Corrine, 24

Not traditionally how Corinne is spelled, but sure. Cory is an interesting one. She's 5'1'', so she's basically pocket-sized, and she HAD tattoos, but is now having them removed. She hates it when her date "is in love with themselves." HAHAHA WAIT 'TIL YA MEET RICK. And her guilty pleasure is watching Frasier. 

Interesting. I agree.

 Danielle L., 27

Danielle L., 27

Goody. That means there's more than one Danielle. Danielle is The Queen of Basic Answers. Has three of the most White Girl Tattoos - a lotus on the back of her neck and two butterfly tattoos, one on each ankle. Her three favorite movies are A Walk to RememberLove Actually, and The Notebook. I am not kidding. She's obsessed with Chrissy Teigen. She loves to listen to Glee soundtracks. Her favorite book is the Love Languages book. Gonna stop here. Goodbye. 

 Danielle M., 31

Danielle M., 31

She's a freakin' neonatal nurse in Nashville (which is already where Rick lives, so they wouldn't have to relocate). She, too, has two tattoos that she's getting removed. Uh oh. Wait. Red flag. She just said, "I moved to Nashville to put myself back together." Oooooohkay. So she's #dramatic. OH WAIT DAMMIT NOW I FEEL BAD her fiancé died?!?! SHIT. Dang. Okay. Well. Damn. Next. 

 Dominique, 25

Dominique, 25

Dominique brings the count of Naming Olivia Pope as your Favorite Fictional Character to III. She really likes Chipotle and Jesus. Pass. Next. 

 Liz, 29

Liz, 29

NICE. Liz is a doula. Oh my gosh please let there be a storyline where one of the contestants is secretly pregnant and Liz, in the heat of unexpected labor, has to deliver the child and oh my gosh and then they call in the doctors from GREY'S because it's ABC and they can!!! Oh man I don't even care about her actual bio because now I'm really just writing this story in my own head. 

NOPE lied she has 8 tattoos. K. Now we're done. 

 Elizabeth, 24

Elizabeth, 24

Elizabeth's answers are all very paradoxical. For example: her favorite movies are Finding Nemo (a Pixar movie) and Sleeping With Other People (a very crass movie starring Jason Sudeikis). When asked which celebrity she'd like to be, she said either "Kate Middleton or Britney Spears." I feel confused by her and I feel like she's gonna turn out to be duplicitous and strange. 

 Hailey, 23

Hailey, 23

Reminds me of Lace for some reason. Seven tattoos. Hails' here is from CANADA. She gave one of the best answers so far: "I'm very passionate and can be intense but I'm not into making out all the time and being sang to." The wonder of that answer is that it's both inarticulate AND bitchy, which is really more impressive than it is upsetting.

She also says, "Only children are strange," when asked if she wants to have multiple kids one day. And she mentions that she's "not into butterflies at all. Butterflies are a solid no for me." She's talking about literal butterflies, not the kind in your stomach. You know, just in case the producers put her in a situation where she was in close proximity with butterflies.

DON'T. 

 Ida Marie, 23

Ida Marie, 23

I don't think Ida Marie knew these answers were going on the Internet. 

What kind of snacks do you like? Cheetos with a pickle. 

What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.

Who is your favorite author?: Again, I need to read more books.

Oh, Ida. 

 Jaimi, 28

Jaimi, 28

So Jaimi is one of my personal favorites already because she's a chef who CATERED THE OSCARS. So that's pretty cool. 

But she also mentioned that the thing she'd do to impress a man would be to bench press him with her legs. "It's pretty surprising and exciting," she said. That it would, Jaimi. That it would. 

Oh, no. Wow. She is also what's called a "pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian." Meaning she only eats fish, birds, and their byproducts. 

What the hell. Where's the escape button?? 

 Jasmine B.

Jasmine B.

Jasmine B. is FEELING HERSELF. 

What's the closest you have ever come to being married and why didn't it work out? Engaged. Because I was too young and he ended up proving he doesn't deserve my greatness.

Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you and why? A man who pursues me. I don't usually chase men. I know I'm attractive and have a lot of great qualities.

She's cute. She'll be good TV. But ABC will probably make Rick cut her by the fifth episode since people of color don't usually make it to the final two. Or ever serve as the Bachelor/Bachelorette. 

I'll just leave that right there. 

 Jasmine G., 29

Jasmine G., 29

Oh, no. There are two non-White women named Jasmine?! Should we play "How Many Racist Bloggers are Going to Mix Them Up?" I think so. I'm so glad they put Rick in this position so that he'll have to actually remember details about each woman instead of one general detail. 

Jasmine G. sounds like someone I want to be friends with. The three people she'd have lunch with are RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince. ...can I be invited? Please? 

Jasmine is also the leaner in the group photo.

She also rounds our Olivia Pope tally to IV. 

 Josephine, 24

Josephine, 24

Josie looks like a mix of Lauren H. from Ben Higgins' season and Ashley Tisdale. Look: 

Anyone? Just me? 

She's smart so she probably needs to go. Run away, Jose. Trust. You don't even want to get out of the limo. 

 Kristina, 24

Kristina, 24

Kristina is a dental hygienist, which makes me like her immediately. She looks kind of TOO good in her picture, as though she was designed by some sort of alien presence to make the women of Earth feel bad about themselves. 

She also gave one of the most interesting answers so far - the fictional character she'd like to be is "Fiona from Shrek." 

...sounds like something an alien would say. 

 Lacey, 25

Lacey, 25

I'm gonna go ahead and and say right away that this girl is too good for Rick. Highlights include that she knows Arabic and has never brought anyone home to her parents before because no one has been worthy.

Oh, girl. Your parents are going to be SO disappointed in you.

 Lauren, 30

Lauren, 30

I think it's important to note that this is the most age-appropriate woman so far for ol' Rick, who is THIRTY SIX. That's right. He's closer to 40 than he is to 30 and he's doing this show. With a bunch of 20-year-olds. Oh my gosh I hate myself for covering this. 

Lauren's profession is listed as "law school graduate," which leads me to believe that she's one of those poor souls who graduated and can't find a job. She brings our "I want to be a dolphin" tally to (I lost count, but probably) 1,000. 

 Michelle, 24

Michelle, 24

Michelle's "who would you have lunch with, dead or alive, and what would you order" answer is very interesting: Albus Dumbledore – Sunday roast, Gwen Stefani – Tacos, Princess Diana – Fish and chips

I like that she customized each person's order and that what she chose for Albus Dumbledore (who is not only dead, but also fictional) is Sunday roast. Whatever that is. 

And if you're about to throw a fit that I spoiled that Dumbledore dies then I don't know what to tell you because you're about fifteen years behind a basic grasp of pop culture. 

NEXT. 

 Olivia, 25

Olivia, 25

Heeeeere she issssssss, The Craaaaazy Viiiii-hiii-laaaaiinnnnnnn....

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. 

In her bio, we find out that Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author (which is actually WORSE than that girl up there who said she can't think of a single book because she "needs to read more"), and that she ends sentences in prepositions. 

I can't wait to see where she's gonna end up at. 

 Rachel, 31

Rachel, 31

Not just a law school graduate, but an actual attorney. Also, killer arms. And the person she'd want to know more about is Jean-Michel Basquiat. 

Too smart for Rick by about a million IQ points. 

 Raven, 25

Raven, 25

Looks like she could be related to Jade. You know, of Jade and Tanner. (If you don't know who those people are, God bless you. Good for you.) 

Snoozefest except that her answer to "who would you trade lives with for a day" was Blue Ivy Carter. So just so I'm clear - of ALL the people in this world, living or dead (and also apparently fictional or real), you'd choose a 4-year-old girl. A 4-year-old with an awesome life, but still, a 4-year-old.

Hmm. 

 Sarah, 26

Sarah, 26

WOW. LOTS to sink our teeth into here. 

First of all, she quotes a DEEEEEP track line from the old Broadway score of the musical Annie. In a song that was cut from the movie because it is boring (called "NYC,") a bit character sings, the following: 

"NYC - just got here this morning! 3 bucks, 2 bags, 1 me! NYC - I'll give you fair warning: up there in lights I'll be!"

I only know this because in 5th grade, we did Annie, and I was Annie, and the girl who sang this line got sick one night. So in the middle of this song, I had to run off stage, put on a hat, run back on stage, sing this line, run away, lose the hat, and come back as Annie.

I know, that was a riveting story.

My point is that I find it really strange that a 26-year-old woman is quoting some obscure line from Annie. And trying to pass it off as her own creation.

When asked what animal she wants to be she said, "A puppy! Or, if you're a bird, I'm a bird, right? : )"

eye roll.gif

Next.

 Susannah, 26

Susannah, 26

So many tattoos this season. I feel like this chicks either have zero or have seven. She has four, including a bow on the back of each ankle. 

Titanic has been listed as a favorite movie 5 times at this point. Susannah also adds to the Chrissy Teigen count for "who would you trade lives with?" 

Am I crazy or are all these girls giving the same five answers?? 

 Taylor, 23

Taylor, 23

I feel like this may be our runner up for Crazy One. 

Most outrageous thing she's ever done? Streaking. 
Three best attributes? Loyal, transparency, honesty. (Gonna go ahead and say that the word she was going for was loyalty, but also have to point out that these are all kind of the same quality.)
Favorite designer? Forever 21. HAHAHAHA
How would you impress a man? Be myself, be authentic, look bomb. 

Those are real answers and have not been tampered with. Taylor is 100% going to poison someone's coffee. 

 Vanessa, 29

Vanessa, 29

Nessy is a Canadian special ed teacher. 

The most romantic thing she has ever received is a promise ring. 

She is going to be crushed by this show and spiral into an alcoholic sob-fest. 

 Whitney, 25

Whitney, 25

I just want to say for the record that at this point in the list, ABC has stopped uploading high-def pictures of these women. The last two photos I had to fish around for, because whatever genius intern at ABC who compiled this article had just given up at this point. 

And you know what? So have I. Whitney is a yawn and that's enough. 

 

So THERE THEY ARE, ladies and germs. Can't wait to see how Rick manipulates this fresh new set of girls by pretending he's so shy and so innocent

Season premiere is Monday, Jan 2. I'll meet you there.