There's not a single week on this show that I love more. Hometowns tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about a person. As someone who loves using my exactly 0 amount of professional training to analyze others, it's like a 2-hour marathon of pop psychology. Nothing beats it.
Here's what I think we're going to discover in this episode:
- Jordan is sucky and so is his family.
- Robby is a bumpkin and that's why he's so over-groomed - he never had anyone teach him how.
- Chase is a totally boring chump and probably has a perfectly nice family
- Luke is going to continue to look super attractive, manly, and grounded, and pribbably has a great family.
PART I - CHASE (aka "WHO?")
- Good. Let's get this date out of the way.
- Of course it's in the snow. Everything about this date is WHITE.
- Wait - how did they just go from wearing heavy winter coats to NO coats at all?? ...is this a set?? Why aren't they cold?
- Chase's Douche Beard. It needs its own Twitter account.
- Men of Earth: if this blog has served no other purpose, let it serve the purpose now of teaching you that you NEVER shave your beard along your jawline. It's not cute. It's like wearing a sign that says, "I don't know how to take care of myself!"
- Okay so Chase has a sad divorce story, blah blah blah.
- It's not that I'm unsympathetic, it's that this is just too normal for this show. In order to be successful, you have to have a GREAT family or a CRAZY family. No in-between. Half of America has the exact same backstory as Chase.
- Sorry, HIS house or his PARENTS' house? Because this house is pimp if it's HIS house.
- Always very interested in how men decorate their houses left to their own devices. Looks like Chase went with a Native American theme?
- Oh this is sick. They brought his dad back for a reunion with him and is appearing on this show? What?
- I would NEVER touch a boyfriend in front of his parents the first time I met him. NEVER. That is the epitome of classless, in my opinion, to be physically affectionate the first time you meet a boyfriend's parents. This is so trashy.
- I'll tell you what, if my future children come home with somebody who's touching all over them the first time they meet me?? HELL no. I will keep a bonesaw in the Junk Drawer and they'll leave my house with stumps if they touch my children.
- And LOUNGING?? What is the matter with this girl?! Sit up straight, Joelle. Respect your elders.
- So you're telling me this guy, who hasn't visited with his own daddy in what seems like at least months if not years, is now telling said estranged parent that he's gonna marry this girl? After he and his dad have a conversation about the way his dad ruined his life? And he's only known this chick for like 8 weeks?
- ARE YOU JOKING
- THE JUST KISSED IN FRONT OF HIS DAD
- WHAT THE ACTUAL
- THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE
- WHERE ARE MY SOUTHERN GIRLS ON THIS I AM OUTRAGED
...I have to go get some ice cream.
I'm back. That one really took a lot out of me, you guys.
- When parents are not openly skeptical of this show, it makes me judge them. If your son or daughter brought home a contestant he met on a TV show and then told you they were probably gonna go ahead and just marry them, you'd freak out/be really judgmental.
- "I can tell you know how to have fun" = "I have seen this GIF of your mom."
- Oh snap the sister is for sure judging. There you go. Somebody in this family needs to.
- "Thank you for this experience." = "This show is stupid and so are you."
- Ugh I really like this mom in spite of myself. Damn it.
- WHAT?! Holy shit. I like Chase.
- I hate being wrong about people.
- I better be right about Jordan freakin' Rodgers.
- So Chase and Snake. Okay. Although I will say, I really disliked Chase for a while because he really was not nice to some of the guys. So I can't be totally off-base.
- I just saw a preview for a movie in which Academy Award Winner Kevin Spacey is providing the voice in a movie about dad who turns into a cat. We really need a time-out as a species.
- This meme says it all:
ART II : Jordan (ugh).
- How many phone calls do you think it took for Jordan and JoJo to coordinate outfits?
- It always amazes me how many of these guys still have parents who still live in the house they grew up in. I feel like that's PRETTY unusual?
- This campus looks like the campus of the high school in Easy A. Is it?
- Okay it's not but it looks like it.
- Of course this date is All About Jordan. Of course it is. For someone who doesn't want us to think he has an inferiority complex, this guy is doing a great job of acting like he has a lot to prove.
- His Spanish teacher clarified that, "He is one of my favorites" instead of, "He is my favorite." Telling. Telling.
- Honestly, this guy is obsessed with himself. I knew I wasn't wrong about freakin' Jordan Rodgers.
- Oh, please. Stop acting like we caught you off guard. You brought the cameras in here specifically for this reason. At least JoJo knows you're being kind of desperate.
- Okay, so let's just talk about it: What happened with Aaron? This is the internet's theory is that Olivia Munn, girlfriend of Aaron Rodgers and famous actress, set Jordan up with his ex-girlfriend (and her close friend), Brittany. Brittany is the same ex-girlfriend who told JoJo a few episodes back that Jordan cheated on her. So it looks like there's some bad blood between not only Jordan and Brittany, but Jordan and Olivia/Aaron as a result.
- ...I can't believe I know this information. Someone lobotomize me.
- So right away, JoJo brings Aaron up:
- ...virtually a guarantee it's going to come up anyway.
- Truly can't believe she finds him attractive. I have no respect for this guy.
- Stop trying to make Jordan Rodgers happen. He's never going to happen.
- I predict a crazy mom. Anyone wanna take that bet?
- Y'all. This story about Jordan Rodgers wanting to run away and the fact that his family didn't give a shit and literally TOLD him to run away is everything. you need. to know. about Jordan.
- Slash, the image of Jordan standing at the property line and looking dramatically over his shoulder is VERY:
- Also, did anyone else hear this? His dad just dropped into conversation that Jordan kicked his teacher...
- So like, JoJo was definitely told by Jordan specifically NOT to address the Aaron situation and straight up did it anyway.
- The brother and Jordan having the same haircut is so completely insane to me.
- The decorating in this house and the other house are both extremely interesting.
- I really think she's going to pick him, and I really think they deserve each other.
- So...did anyone else get the vibe that the Rodgers are hardcore Christians? Because I did.
- UPDATE: I've just found out that there's also a rumor floating around that the Rodgers have disowned Aaron because Aaron is gay. So, you know. There's that.
PART III - Robby.
- Robby is SO getting dropped this week. I haven't even seen a second of his date and I already know it.
- This place looks like Clearwater, Florida, which is the home of Scientology, which should make us all very suspicious.
- You're excited to see him because he's your gay best friend.
- Okay so before I had a dog, I never cared about horses, but now every time I see a horse-drawn carriage, all I can think about is how those poor horses are probably overworked. We had a hard time in Charleston because on one hand it was our anniversary trip, but on the other hand, I felt the compelling need to stop and talk to each carriage driver about how the horses were treated. I was basically a dream date for Jordan. Thank God he was already married to me because he probably would've been like, "You're crazy, I'm out."
- He keeps talking about loving her in order to get her to say it back. Seriously.
- The count is up to 4. He's said, "I love you," four times in this segment. Find your chill, Robert.
- Why does she look like a totally different person in this scene? Invasion of the body snatchers.
- ...dude. Seriously. Reel it in.
- "I don't see how things could go wrong." Famous last words.
- Um, did they hit the gift shop on the way home?? GEEZ.
- ait a minute - did he just call his own father "Coach Hayes??"
- ...that's really weird.
- Y'all JoJo is SO tiny. She doesn't even come up over the top of a chair! She's a miniature person!
- I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. These seem like perfectly nice, perfectly boring folks. I like the mom. The brothers have the cumulative IQ of exactly one stick of butter.
- Do you think Robby MIGHT be prone to exaggeration?
- Need to just update you. Didn't even know Jordan Scott was near this room. He just heard Robby say all that about not getting sleep and said while passing through the room, "Closers ALWAYS sleep well before the big game. That guy is shakin' in his boots. He's not gonna make it."
- ..."Closers always sleep well??" Who ARE you?! Who am I married to?
- Also we need to talk about these glasses:
- Is it a wine glass? Is it a tumbler?
- Okay so anyway Robby's mom is all, "I really like JoJo but by the way your reputation is basically being ruined," and he's all, "UGH MOM I CAN'T HANDLE THIS," and then JoJo's all like, "These were my worst fears!" and then Robby's all, "NO you have to believe me I LOVE YOU AND I'M NOT AT ALL PRONE TO EXAGGERATION!"
- Some quick observations from these scenes, the plot of which I obviously do not care about:
- I love that Chad (yes, that Chad) is dating Robby's ex-girlfriend. HAHAHA it's so brilliant. I love Chad.
- You should win a million dollars on this show if you can work "I'm not here for the right reasons" into conversation naturally. I think it should be like the secret word on Watch What Happens Live!
- Better yet: it's now a drinking game. Take a shot if it ever happens again. I can't find the screengrab, but he said it twice.
- Random, but - I can never have serious conversations with ANYone at that level of facial closeness. Seriously, I have to be across the room (or at least the table) from someone to have a real talk.
- Anyway, blah blah I'm asleep. She's not picking Robby let's move on.
PART IV - Snake. AKA, the only acceptable choice.
- So I'm gonna go ahead and put money down that she picks Jordan and that Snake is the next Bachelor. At least, let's hope that's what happens. Snake is QUITE attractive.
- Mmk they look like they're going to a fraternity mixer themed "Squardance."
- Jordan Scott just did some more drive-by commentary. He let me know that he, "Finds this guy untrustworthy." Okay, well, you don't know what you're talking about, so just keep walkin'.
- Seriously, if she doesn't pick Snake (and she won't) then she is such a dumb dumb.
- STOP KISSING IN FRONT OF THE PARENTS.
- Seriously though who brought her up to act like this?
- Oh yeah. Right.
- Snake's sister is beautiful.
- I love this dad. Such a sweetheart. Reminds me of a lot of great, sweet men I know. Snake, PLEASE run away. You're gonna get your heart broken.
- Are you KIDDING ME THE SPEECH ABOUT HIM SERVING HIS COUNTRY AND CRYING?!?!?!?! OH MY GOSH
- This show is bullshit, but that was actually a completely precious and tender moment. Luke's family is fantastic. Y'all. Who do we know that can marry Snake?! He deserves someone who is not on a reality show.
- Y'all, here is an extremely good looking war veteran who is also in touch with his sensitive side AND lives on a farm with a precious family.
- ...this is a robot sent here from aliens. This isn't a real human man.
- You know the producers are just crying tears of joy right now with two beautiful people in golden light on a ranch. This is like visual porn.
- "I want us?" Are you kidding me?!? Are you KIDDING ME?!
- Okay this show is over. He just delivered the kill shot. He LED HER TO HIS HEART
AMONG FLOWER PETALS
AND PLAYED A LOVE SONG (and he actually played it, not the show)
AND TOLD HER HE LOVED HER
- Their exit seemed rushed. Why isn't she falling all over him? Why isn't she so happy and just overwhelmed? If she dumps him after that I am going to burn down my own house.
- IF I SEE ONE MORE TRAILER FOR LIGHTS OUT I SWEAR TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY SOMEONE IS GONNA GET SUED
PART V - ROSE CEREMONY.
- Jordan's stuit is, once again, too small.
- That's right, Robert. Take a good hard around. You're going home.
- I seriously feel like she had some kind of plastic surgery procedure between weeks of this show. Something looks different.
- SAY GOODBYE TO LUKE
- ARE YOU SAYING
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME
- ARE YOU MENTALLY ILL
- GO HOME
- ARE DRUNK
- Okay here comes Luke to talk to her.
- He's clarifying that he's IN love with her.
- I'm sorry, was that not made perfectly clear by the HEART MADE OUT OF FLOWER PETALS?!?!?!
- The fact that she wasn going to send him home because he had not verbalized the specific words, "I love you," is the dumbest thing I've ever heard and once again reinforces that she deserves to be with someone who is not Luke (aka someone who sucks).
- This is gonna be a to be continued isn't it?
- ISN'T IT?!
- DAMN YOU, CHRIS HARRISON!!
- I hope JoJo has to sit in that exact position until next week. She deserves it after even CONSIDERING sending Snake home.
This season, you guys. I can't decide who I dislike more - Jordan, Evan, or JoJo.
'Til next week.