Greetings Bach-Cap Nation,
Writing this guest post feels like I’m coming full circle: I wouldn’t even be watching Bachelor if it weren’t for Mary Catherine. I only started watching during JoJo’s Bachelorette season and I had no idea it could be this good.
God help us.
Come, accept this rose, and join me for what promises to be the most EXPLOSIVE episode of The Bachelor ever.
- Alright. Preview. We're recapping Liz the Doula who HAS A SECRET that she's totally keeping on the DL by bringing it up at every possible moment.
PICTURED: LIZ'S SECRET MANAGEMENT SYSTEM
- Omg y'all, like, they met at Jade and Tanner's WEDDING and like totally had sexxxxxxxxx omg
- My favorite part of this story was that she got dumped in front of a Cold Stone Creamery.
LIKE IT, LOVE IT, GOTTA HAVE IT
- And now we get to see the AFTERMATH.
PART I: The Aftermath
- Ok, so part of me thinks Nick has had sex with multiple people on previous seasons of this very show, so people really shouldn't be surprised--they knew what they were getting into. But then, I can also see where I'd be upset if I were a contestant here.
- Brianna the Travel Nurse (who's somehow still here) with a grade-A teeth suck.
- "If you have a question, please ask me! I'm an open book." Nick's gonna be holding office hours in the candlelit alcove if you wanna swing by. He'll have free Dunkin'! He values your feedback!
CURRENTLY HANGING IN BACHELOR MANSION
- We see Vanessa, then Astrid getting time with Nick. Side note: no one named Astrid is gonna win The Bachelor. You gotta be a Lauren C to win this game.
- I have no idea who some of these people are.
- So far, everyone's reacting normally like a regular adult human person. So obviously it's time to check in on Crazy Town and see what Corinne's up to.
- "I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm" *THROWS ROBE TO THE FLOOR*
- Her eyes are not the eyes of a sane person. They just aren't.
- Everything's going on swimmingly at Bachelor Mansion. Meanwhile, somewhere near the service entrance, BLACK BOX OVER CORINNE'S BOOBS. She comes out to see Nick in just an overcoat and they walk to a giant red beanbag.
- Nick: "I'm very attracted to Corinne" as she is literally spraying whipped cream on her boobs.
Never forget that her "guilty pleasure" is Frasier. Frasier!
- I hate her so much. I really can't talk about the whipped cream any more so let's just skip to:
PART II: The Rose Ceremony
Corinne sleeps through the rose ceremony.
- Crazyface aka Josephine gets a rose and I do not know why.
- Dolphinshark gets a rose and says, "move bitches," as she goes to get it. I love her so much.
- Last rose. Prediction: Jasmine.
- NAILED IT.
- No longer with us: Hailey (aka no underwear), some blonde, Corinne's confidante. Corinne's gonna be pissed when she wakes up.
- Hailey tries to throw shade at Corinne for being gross but come on, Hailey, you introduced yourself by saying you weren't wearing underwear and later said you were your best self that day.
- Summary: no huge surprises.
PART III: Group Date I: Party Like It's 1999
- This group date randomly involves the Backstreet Boys. We've got Christen aka Jane the Virgin, Danielle L aka T. McGee, Raven aka Hoxie, Jasmine, some forgettable characters like Sarah, aaaaaaand ... Corinne.
- Jane is more excited than the rest. Backstreet's BACK, y'all.
- Side note: Backstreet > N*Sync. I won't take it back.
- But really this is a weird date.
- Sarah (who?): "Twelve-year-old me is so excited." Exactly.
- Corinne appears to be having an, ahem, acne problem on the upper chest. Whipped cream will do that to ya.
- The Backstreet Boys are starting a residency at PLANET HOLLYWOOD in Vegas. Applebee's must have already booked 98 Degrees.
PICTURED: NICK LACHEY WITH MEMBERS OF FEDERAL WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
- T. McGee is really getting into the 90s Britney look with her tied-up top and she's crushing it.
- Meanwhile, Corinne looks like a drugged penguin. Who is sitting on a folding chair in the corner.
- Corinne: "I'm not a crybaby when the attention's not on me, that's not me, I mean, no."
- TIME TO GO TO PLANET HOLLYWOOD!
- T. McGee gets the win and her reward is a slow dance with Nick (Viall, not Lachey) to an a capella version of I Want it That Way.
- Worst prize ever, but earlier T. told us that the Backstreet Boys are her favorite band. Not used to be. Are. Also, liberal use of the term "band."
PICTURED: DISAPPOINTMENT. ALSO PICTURED: ACNE
- Jasmine: "Every day, it's Corinne, Corinne, Corinne. I'm sick of talking about Corinne." Girl, me too.
HOW WE ALL FEEL.
PART IV: One-on-One Date
- But first, more Corinne. We learn that her nanny Raquel makes "cheese pasta" like no one else. Is that... mac n cheese? Or some other type of cheese pasta? This is also someone who refers to choreography as "planned dancing."
- Nick takes Vanessa on a zero-G plane, which is sometimes termed the Vomit Comet. We already know where this is gonna end from the preview.
- A picture is worth 1,000 words. Oh, Vanessa. Sweet, sweet Vanessa.
- But we recover. To wrap up the date and get #vulnerable, Nick takes Vanessa to the tallest building in LA, which also had a cameo in Independence Day (1996).
STILL LESS EXPLOSIVE THAN VANESSA
- To lighten the mood, Vanessa tells Nick about the day of her grandfather's funeral.
- Apparently, she got a red rose in the car on the way to the funeral and roses make her think of that day, so this entire show is basically an unending nightmare of flashbacks for her.
"DO YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME?"
- She gets the rose, obv. Vanessa can really see herself falling for Nick, but the previews tell us that poolside tribulations are yet to come.
PART V: Group Date II: #fitness
- Commercial break note: I could not care less about this upcoming island of misfit toys group date. Rachel is the only redeeming thing here. And Dolphinshark. Always Dolphinshark.
- We open with Nick running laps on a track because #sports
- Some former Olympians run up and are immediately identified with excitement despite there being no way anyone would be able to do that. One is a shot putter. It's a very dated crew.
- Oh my god, this date is awful. The women are NOT prepared. Except, of course, for Noseballs. Girl's got like 6 sports bras on.
- Dolphinshark: "Nick always gets the silver medal, so I hope maybe he'll get the gold today"
- Dominique sees the writing on the wall early. "Always overlooked. Always overlooked."
- Side note: I couldn't remember who Dominique was and just wrote ??? as a placeholder until her name popped up.
- Astrid wins the grand prize, hot tub time with Nick, but she's so boring that the producers focus on Dominique, who has gotten zero screen time so far and is obviously about to go home.
- Back at Bachelor Mansion, Dominique decides to press it. Surprise: he's not interested. Next stop: tears in the back of the limo.
- No one reacts AT ALL when Nick tells them Dominique is gone.
- Dolphinshark lies down with Nick on a giant printout of his face and I love her so much.
- The rose goes to Rachel (yay!).
- Prediction: Your final three are T. McGee, Rachel, and Vanessa. Rachel is your next Bachelorette.
PART VI: Perfect Storm Pool Party
- There are only EIGHT minutes left in this episode and I am DRAINED. It will not end.
- Dolphinshark, increasingly the muse of this show, previews the pool party: "these girls are really horny and I don't know how this is gonna work." Me either, Dolphinshark. Me either.
- Nick joins Corinne in a bouncy castle: "what are we doing?" Uhh... bouncing?
- Oh, jk, gross public sexy time is happening in the bouncy castle because Corinne.
- Dolphinshark proclaims this the worst pool party she's ever been to, which is saying something. Girl knows her way around a pool.
- Corinne is shown sleeping because that's the new Chad eating meat.
- HOXIE INTERVENTION TIME: "Corinne is 24 and has a nanny."
SHE MAKES GREAT CHEESE PASTA
- Hoxie drops truth left and right re: Corinne. Remember last week when she said that maybe that's the reason he's on The Bachelor for the 4th time?
- Hoxie: "She doesn't even know how to clean a spoon."
- Vanessa confronts Nick about his bouncy castle trysts with Corinne.
- "Are you looking for a wife? Or are you looking for someone to ---- around with?"
END OF THE EPISODE. BOOM.
- They packed A LOT into those last 8 minutes. Wow.
- Next week looks like the Corinne Confrontation this entire season has been building toward. Is Nick here for the right reasons? We'll find out.
- Spoiler: probably not but it'll be great TV.
Y'all, if you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me! So much happened this week. I'm glad I got to spend it with you. Til next time!