I am so glad it's Snake.
Seriously, can you imagine watching the show if it had been anyone else?? Like Chad?!
Luke is so dreamy, so strapping, so...Luke. He's the best. I love him and I'm genuinely rooting for him. Don't you think he'll be a great husb--
HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE?!
Damn. Okay, jokes aside, I guess it's time to acknowledge that this ass-hat is actually running the show this year.
I don't have a bracket, but can we all just agree that we've ALL already lost because we're gonna watch Rick skulk around and bite his bottom lip and be generally terrible?
I can just picture him now...probably in an extra room he calls his "study," oiling himself up in the mirror and flexing his pecs, considering Chris Harrison's offer. "I think I'll do it. I think America needs more of this."
Secretly he's all,
And I'm all,
Oh, good. It's starting. Chris Harrison is already telling me how "controversial" and "exciting" this is going to be.
PART I: The torture begins.
"THE UNPRECEDENTED SEASON PREMIERE OF THE BACHELOR" Um yeah that's what premiere means. First. Unprecedented. Ya ding dong.
- Already with the gratuitous shirtless scenes.
- NAKED?!?!?! Oh my gosh this idiot.
- Cool man purse. I bet he calls it a satchel.
- HE HAD FROSTED TIPS. NO WORSE HE HAD BLONDE HAIR. HE IS THE WORST.
- Also has everyone forgotten Rick's super weird family from Andi's hometown date?? 'Cause they were, how you say, not good.
- Y'ALL HE LOVES HIMSELF SO MUCH.
- I'm calling it now - Rick is gonna end up with Rick.
- Now, three former Bachelors attempt to redeem the jerk.
For you non-superfans/sane people, from left to right: Professional Virgin Sean Lowe, happily married to the woman he proposed to; Farmer Chris Soules, broke up with the woman he proposed to; 90's Dad Ben Higgins, engaged to the woman he proposed to. And yes, I know it's "to whom he proposed." It's 4 in the morning as I'm writing this. Deal.
- They're being kind of brutal on him...
- Oh man I missed that farmer giggle. Come back to us, Chris Soules. I'd watch your season AGAIN (as boring as it was) if it'll save me from Rick.
- Although Chris did give us this...
- I feel like Ben HATES him. He keeps saying something nice and then totally invalidating it. "Yeah, I mean I love guacamole - I can just see how some people wouldn't like it because it has the texture of mucous and is kind of lumpy and turns brown really fast. But I mean, like I said, I personally love it."
PART II - The mini-intro's.
- Well as least now I know how to pronounce Rick's last name. Rhymes with "vile."
- ...I don't even need to make a joke here, right?
- Yeah Josephine looks exactly what I said - Ashley Tisdale and Lauren whatever-her-name-is.
+
=
- Y'all this Southern girl NO NO NO NO NO. She pronounces her long "i's" like "ah." "Bahble," instead of Bible. "Lahfe," not life. For the record, this is country. Not Southern. They are different.
- Corinne I think is going to be the one who tries to kiss him.
- Not even hot girls look cool rollerblading.
PART III : LIMO.
- Oh snap, who's gonna be first out of the limo. This one is always a very specific choice that producers make. They want this girl to be "wife material." Two seasons in a row the girl who was chosen was the first out of the limo.
- Annnnnnd it's....
- BOOOOOOOBS!
- Sorry, it just flew out of my mouth.
- She's wearing a wedding gown. Subtle.
- TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHOW, RUN AWAY, RACHEL!!!
- Fangirl.
- All these girls keep saying something about what a butthole he is.
- Ida Marie NO. SHEER HOSE AND STRIPPER SHOES?! Only Mariah Carey is allowed to do that.
- WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW.
- WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWWWWW.
- Oh this is a SURPRISE to you, is it Chris?? I bet. I bet you didn't have anything to do with that at all, you sneaky rat bastard.
- Vanessa you're beautiful and smart RUN AWAY. And you're giving me Julia Roberts realness.
- The country girl is teaching him an Arkansas pig call that I will not even bother to mention because #yikes.
- I'm gonna go ahead and say that if you pull something out of your nose and/or mention your own balls that you're going home:
- Come on Ashley Tisdale!
- ...oh.
- Then, this happens:
- Yikes. She said "dolphinately," but she's a shark. That can't be good.
- By the way, ABC closed captioning - thanks for clearing the "wiener" and the "dolphinately" pun up for me by explaining what they really meant. I don't know if I would've gotten it otherwise.
- Oh wait...she thinks she's a dolphin. Oh my gosh. She's a shark. Oh my gosh this is amazing. She's definitely not going home tonight. Seriously. That's amazing. She legit thinks she is a freaking dolphin.
- ...that's it? That seems...underwhelming.
- Rachel is so freakin' charming.
- But then there's BOOBS.
- First impression rose...hmm...the girl with a giant brain of the girl with giant babyheads coming out of her dress?
- Okay I need to take a brief break from The Bachelor to say that this commercial in the middle absolutely terrified me.
- Did anyone else see that?? It's so scary!!
- Corinne is standing out as our early villain. But I don't think she's going to be here long enough to be a true bad guy - time will tell.
- He honestly seems disappointed by this group of women. We are too, Nick. Don't worry.
- "She actually asked first." I've never heard anyone say that. They usually just get up and go.
- Ooo Jasmine, you dressed to match the couch.
- WE HAVE OUR FIRST CRIER.
- Let's all remember, lest we judge, that this episode is filmed until 4 AM and all these girls have been drinking since 9.
- Corinne is hypothesizing that Shark must be fat if she's wearing that costume. Charming.
- AND ONE'S IN THE POOL.
- At least he's being honest.
- "If we're supposed to cross paths again we would." What is this, Serendpity?
- That conversation was much more awkward than I thought it was going to be.
- I think he's gonna give the first impression rose to Rachel. I think he's trying to rehab his image and he'll pick the smart, brilliant girl over the girl whose boobs he can see.
- I feel like he probably wants to get a beer with Shark, but not marry Shark.
- NAILED IT
- Yeah Rachel is absolutely adorable in every SINGLE way. #toogoodforthisshow
Part something, rose ceremony
- The big questions are: Is Shark going home? And
- Is Jade's BFF going home?
- I'm gonna vote no and no.
- Also I'm just sayin'...if a guy ever said, "Is she gonna base her decision on something that happened nine months ago?" like this Liz character just did, we'd be burning him at the stake. "Is he gonna base his decision about whether or not to pursue me on the fact that I slept with him and never called and then only decided to come on this show after I saw him on TV??"
- Watching this episode is like being an adult chaperone at a middle school lock-in. It's mostly harmless, there's some light making out, and then lots of people get slap-happy and start crying.
- Tits is definitely getting a rose. Like the first rose.
- ...I think I'm gonna call her Tits. Is that bad? That's bad. Okay let's call her...McGee.
- Therrrre she goes.
- Corinne OF COURSE got one.
- Raven got one? Come on.
- Sarah the jogger is delightful to me. I really like her.
- YAY ASHLEY TISDALE.
- Hailey with an "i" is pulling no punches:
- GIANT BACK TATTOO ON LIZ.
- Also wow I called everything and I feel good.
- ...no. No. I don't. I feel bad. Because that means I've watched this show 8,000,000 times.
- It's daylight. These poor girls have been up all night.
Roses: Almost everyone.
Eliminated: Olivia, Lauren, Angela, Briana
- As for the season preview, let me leave you with this and say, STRAP IN boys and girls. It's gonna be good.
You can't write this.
'Til next week.