First things first - thanks so much to Andy Garden for taking over last week. I knew he'd kill it and he did. Okay, so I think we'll see Jasmine head home tonight. Otherwise, I don't know. It will probably be the Corinne show.
PART -I: LAST WEEK.
- A classic issue.
- Meanwhile Corinne is...unconcerned:
- We get some deliciousness courtesy of Canadian Vanessa:
- And Nick is rendered speechless as a result of this sound logic and normal reaction.
- Everybody needs to worry less about Corinne. Corinne has made an impact. Corinne will take care of Corinne. ...or maybe Corinne's nanny, Raquel, will.
- Sweet Sarah and Dr. Ruth decide to confront Corinne about the fact that she's a walking hellscape, which leads to this amazing Bachelor moment:
- What these girls are failing to understand is that Corinne does not care. She is unaffected by the real world. Consequences have no meaning to her. This is probably a girl who squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube. She probably takes more than one bite to eat a Dorito. SOME PEOPLE JUST WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN.
PART II, I GUESS? Rose ceremony.
- Chris Harrison tries to "talk some sense into Nick" AKA pretend that he's not maniacally rubbing his hands together with glee every time Corinne opens her mouth, and Corinne aggressively scratches her eye:
Some other thoughts on this rose ceremony:
- Christen, you're totally going home tonight.
- Taylor's high pony is reeeeeeeeealllllllllly bugging. I love ya girl, but that Ariana Grande hair has to go.
- WHOA Jamie with the curveball straightened hair!
- Hoxie (AKA Raven) is kept around. Hmm.
- DAMMIT I had Jasmine leaving tonight. Rats.
- Brittany...who are you????
- Me (AKA Josephine) gets a rose.
- OBVIOUSLY CORINNE IS GETTING A ROSE. Duh. Why the suspense? We've all seen the previews where Taylor is fighting with her.
- Bye Christa. Christen. Or something.
- Ooooooo the finger chewing while crying is tough for me. I want to feel bad for you but I no longer do.
- I genuinely love Corinne. She is batshit crazy and I am here for it. There's absolutely nothing redeemable about her and it's pretty rare that you get a villain that is 100% disgusting.
PART II - One on one.
- Chris Harrison is so savage. "You will literally be going around the world...but first, A CAMPING TRIP IN THE BACKYARD! PACK YOUR BAGS!!!!"
- Can you imagine being on a plane with The Bachelor contestants?? Gah. My dream.
- Nick's mom has a) veneers, and b) the same haircut as all those guys last season.
- YOU AND ME BOTH, POPS.
- McGee, Tits gets the date. I think she's gonna turn out to be good and boring. Maybe I'm wrong! I'm judging her based on appearance and what we've been allowed to see at this point, which is a lot of giggling.
- Nick, please don't act like you had girls to make out with when you were in high school. At the LIBRARY of all places. Those poor books.
- Nothin' like trying to kiss a guy with a big finger full of icing.
- REALLY, ABC???
- "She's an ex." Oh yeah. I bet she was just coincidentally in that coffee shop. This is not a very good "surprised" face.
- Poor McGee has to sit through this totally stilted conversation, but makes the most out of it.
- Then they go have a "conversation" on a "hillside."
- They probably left all their garbage.
- Cocktail dress means we get to see McGee's Tits!
- Y'all she looks so uncomfortable.
- McGee is going to either win the show or make it to the final three and then get dumped for "not opening up enough."
- Listening to McGee's vocal fry is like listening to a record scratch for a straight hour.
- BUT SERIOUSLY WITH THE BOOBS I think they went to a concert or something but I can't be sure because I was too distracted.
PART III - Group date.
Anytime you see a group date wide shot, it's basically a microcosm of what's happening in fashion with basic white girls everywhere. This season: Ripped jeans. HIgh waisted. Capes. Crop tops.
- The way midwesterners pronounce the word "milk." really bugs me. "Melk." So gross and weird. Although I know the way I pronounce everything bothers everyone, so #withdrawn.
- Sweet Sarah is so excited about any and everything.
- I would actually be so excited for this date.
- HIS JEANS ARE RIPPED?!?!?! I didn't think it was possible for me to hate him more but I do.
- "I think some of the women are going to have to show him how it's done." ...
- So the bisexual girl gets in there and handles the teats.
- This is really just too damn much.
- Then this happens:
- But she does.
- And yet...who's winning in this situation??
- Corinne then describes herself as corn:
- Is it sick that that actually made me want corn?? Girlfriend is a hell of a salesman.
- Nick if anything has ever made you feel like you don't deserve love this book from special needs students should.
- Meanwhile, Corinne opens the floor for questions and Sweet Sarah has had enough:
- Corinne responds by gaslighting the shit out of everyone:
- Michael Jordan.
- Abe Lincoln.
- "And I almost had to go to the hospital for it."
- Dear Chris Harrison,
The Russian gets the rose.
PART IV: One-on-one.
- I feel like Hoxie is going home.
- Also WHERE did Nick get his height??
- Let's just go ahead and get straight to it:
- I've never in my lahf heard a story like that. Hoxie gets the rose. Mostly because I think Nick fears for his life. What is happening.
PART V - Cocktail party
Okay BUT REALLY WITH THE BOOBS
- Drunk Corinne, while pounding chicken nuggets, is completely overwhelming me with Bachelor joy.
- Then Taylor decides to talk to Corinne. Or maybe it was the other way around but I can't stand Taylor or her high ponytail or anything about how involved she is in this situation at this point:
- The upspeak y'all. THE UPSPEAK.
- I just feel? Like you don't have the emotional intelligence? To enter into a healthy relationship?
- I wouldn't be sorry if Corinne socked her. Or maybe we should just get Hoxie out here to take Taylor out back and stiletto her to death.
And this is where I leave you.
See you next week? For more of this terrible show? Hopefully Taylor can explain everything to us?