Sorry if you Bammers didn't get to watch because of the 'ship. That's why it pays to be an Auburn fan. We never go to the 'ship. Always free to watch.
Wait - so from the preview, we know the topless thing AND the slap happens in this episode?? Geez what drama is left for the rest of the season?
Part I: Group date.
- I don't know why I love Josephine (AKA Me). I think it's because I secretly feel like I look like her (big nose, dark eyebrows, blonde hair) so I want her to do well. Is that weird?
- "Congratulations for being here." "Congratulations" isn't the word I'd use, but okay.
- Shocking.
- Then, everyone sees that their carefully cultivated hairstyles are about to get wrecked. That's every girl's first thought when seeing a convertible. I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit on these fake excited reactions.
- I feel like McGee (AKA Tits McGee AKA Danielle) is really dumb. I know that's not fair, but everything she's said so far has sounded dumb.
- I'm sorry, is Corinne Jewish??
- I have a fundamental problem with this show using putting women in wedding gowns on a first date. Like how cruel can you be? I think about what I would do...I didn't try on gowns until I was engaged. I don't think I would've done it. I also would N E V E R go on this show, so it's a moot point.
- Shotgun bride? Are they actually about to dress this girl up in a pregnancy belly??
- "Would get this suphraahz at the end." Girl PLEASE control that accent. You're makin' us look bad. Every single time I pronounce a word with a long "i" in the middle, I think, "Don't be a redneck, say it right." Know why? Because if people hear us talking like that, they think we're all inbred idiots.
- THEY DID. THEY DID IT. THEY REALLY DID IT.
- OH MY GOSH.
- Chris Harrison is in disbelief right now that he got so lucky with this maniac Corinne.
- Why does Rick look like such a tool? He could literally do anything he wanted.
- Go lil' Sarah!! Love you!!! She's precious.
- This isn't happening. Someone tell me it's not happening.
- Okay McGee is like SUPER pretty. I'm scared of her she's so pretty.
- And the traditional wedding was...something.
- "I know you from before time." What's going on, even? Am I stoned?
- Does anyone else feel like they can't actually figure out what Liz looks like?? I don't know, I just really can't get it. Like she looked SO DIFFERENT last week, right?? I feel like she looks so much younger and glowy-er right now.
- Yada yada yada she lies by omission by saying, "I didn't kiss him last night." Mmmhmm. We see what you did there, Lizard.
Meanwhile, back at the photoshoot...
- For the first time this season, I say, Your grandparents are watching this show.
- Now it's Corinne's turn. Maybe she'll have her nanny show up and perform tasks for them.
- I'm sorry, how is this a bridal shoot??
- They're in the pool topless and this is supposed to be bridal?!
- Also Rick is SO UNCOMFORTABLE which makes me kind of like for a second.
- They are RIGHT. THERE.
- I genuinely think that he's going to tell her that she can't get a rose. Like I think she might get sent home this season.
- At least somebody around here has some sense.
- Of COURSE that creepy ass photographer chose Corinne. Kill me.
After party:
- She's waaaaaaaaasted.
- She literally cut herself off mid-sentence to suck his face.
- I'm going to start calling her Brilliance because she evidently has three brain cells to rub together and all that champagne she drank earlier probably killed at least one.
- His questions with Raven are good questions, but it feels like an interrogation.
- Also move your hand from in front of your mouth, Rick.
- Also also what's going on with his spontaneous lisp?
- Meg Ryan got a date. Mmhmm.
- Girl...chill.
- Okay and now Liz looks different AGAIN?!
- What the hell does this person look like?
- YOU, ma'am, are a bitch.
- Sarah if your cute ass gets kicked off this show because you were too nice and waited around I will be so mad!
- And she drinks weirdly, apparently.
- This Taylor girl is cute. I think I like her.
- No Brilliance is NOT going back there again.
- Okay but seriously at that point he should have said, "No." He can do whatever he wants - he can say anything to them. Just say no. "Can I steal you for a second?" "No, sorry. Give me 5 minutes and I'll come find you." NOT HARD.
- And WHY are you still kissing her?? And where the hell is your shirt??
- It's been awhile since I've seen one of those poor idiots this drunk.
- Taylor got her time back! YES GIRL!
- Taylor is gonna be Girl Who The Bachelor Really Relates to But Has No Spark With.
- Okay Taylor handled Brilliance badgering her AS WELL AS POSSIBLE. It's actually insane how well she handled it. She is too good for this show but I hope she stays because she's literally a mental health counselor and I want to hear her analysis of everyone here.
- I am amazed at how much Corinne thinks other people are interested in her/want to listen to her talk. She might be the most entitled person I've ever seen on this show. Or ever?
- And the rose goes to...
- AND ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE, the Rick Sympathizers, The "Did You See Him On Paradise? He Was So Nice!" crowed read 'em and weep. He picked Corinne's crazy ass. Of his own free will.
- Did she just say "Daddy Would Be Proud??"
- HAHAHAHAHAHA you can't write this.
- XOXO Gossip Girl.
- BOOM ROASTED. Leave it to the Southern girl to bring it with some old school sexual shaming.
PART II: One-on-one.
- Okay so this date is VERY boring. Lemme hit the highlights.
- Meg Ryan sounds like Marcel the Shell.
- So but seriously does she speak above a whisper do you think?
- AAAAND THERE IT IS, DEAD FIANCE.
- I'm not making light of this story, I'm just saying that there are horrifying people on these shows who use these people's saddest stories for ratings.
- I do love that jumpsuit though for real.
- She is also boring for real.
- Back at the house, Liz is telling the frizzy-haired girl that she's banged Rick. If I have to hear her say, "We had sex," one more time, I'm gonna light someone on fire.
- I just decided that I think Liz is going home tonight. I think everyone's going to find out they had sex, freak out, and he's going to send her home to show that he's "Serious about finding love."
- Blah blah blah boring girl is here for another week.
PART III: Group date again.
- Is it bad that I could immediately eliminate some girls based solely on haircuts and outfit choices?
- They're at the Museum of Bad Relationships - is this museum run by The Bachelor franchise? 'Cause like, only three or four of these things have worked out.
- I like that we're all pretending that that enormous Neil Lane engagement ring actually lives in that case. Good one.
- Wow, that was like watching a masterclass in acting. I'm waiting for Meryl to show up any minute here.
- Ohhh so THIS is where the slap happens.
- I actually love this challenge. I think this is a great idea. Let's let them scream at him.
- "It's awkward because I had sex with this girl, then she came on the show, then I asked her on this date, but now I feel nervous around her so I'm going to ice her and make her cry." - Rick.
- Yeah this is weird.
- These staged breakups are SUPA awkward. Like this pedestrians they pulled off the street and were like, "Will you please come break up on TV? Thanks."
- Me is having camera-ready reactions left and right.
- HOLY HELL
- SHE ACTUALLY SLAPPED HIM.
- WOW. That was kind of great.
- HAHAHAHA his face is so shocked. I could watch this GIF for years.
- Okay, now Liz is up. I feel as though this is going to be bad.
- That is the face of someone who is so scared everyone is about to hear that he banged their friend.
- Yeah he hates this a lot.
- #dramatic
- Frizzy hair is all ABOUT IT.
After party:
- Voiceover of Rick saying that he wants to talk to Liz and stop talking to these people. Why didn't he just grab her first?
- Although I get it, I can hardly listen to Me either.
- "This just got a lot more interesting." - Every straight guy in America.
- Seriously though when he gets drunk does his spitty "s" get worse?
- Oh, SHIIIIIIIT! Rat! Rat fink!
- GO GET LIZ AND TALK TO HER.
- Told you. Liz is gone. Bye, Liz!
- Why would you wear a romper that showcased that tattoo? I can hear my dad saying, "Mary, some people like their tattoos. That's why they get them." Well put, Dad.
- Also that romper is too small.
- Anyway they have a weird and strange conversation and she goes.
- It kiiiiiiinda doesn't surprise me that Liz is Jade's bestie. You can draw whatever meaning you'd like from that.
- Obviously Rick sucks the worst but Liz is really problematic and awful.
- 'Bye, Liz. Hope your enjoy life with your back tat!
Oh MAN this episode. So much. Brilliance, Liz's Tattoo, so much. What. This was a lot to process.
Next week, I have a special treat for you guys, so stay tuned for the Bachelor Re-cap coming on Tuesday the 17th.
'Til then, your faithful correspondent:
