Okay y'all, a few burning questions before we kick off this episode:
- When the hell does Rachel go home??
- How horrible/amazing is Corinne's family going to be?
- Will Nick have to go muddin' with Raven in Hoxie?
- ...who's the other one? I don't even remember. Oh yeah. Vanessa. Yawn.
Let's get to gettin'.
PART LAST WEEK
- Nick shows up with four roses to take the pressure off.
- Meaning Rachel still sticks around. What are you doing, ABC??
- STOP CRYING.
- This whole "casual rose ceremony" thing is cute and everything but more cute in a way that your 12 year old little brother takes a flower for every girl in his homeroom for Valentine's. He just looks so damn pleased with himself.
- I wouldn't put it past him to just make up a rule that he also gets to take all these women to the Fantasy Suite.
- "And for you four beautiful women, I'd like to just go ahead and extend this rose to Sex Island. You're all getting to come to bed with me!!!"
- Okay so my dream scenario is that Rachel and Corinne are going to be the final two, and Rachel goes home (obviously), and Corinne wins. PLEASE GOD let #corn win.
PART I: Home sweet HOXIE.
Oh my gosh. Every bit of this is already solid gold.
- So basically this'll be a really fun date but it's also going to be the date where Nick realizes he does not fit into this girl's life AT ALL.
- Like, the whole "country girl" thing has been cute up to now and now it's going to be like,
- He wore plaid to the country, you guys. Adorable.
- Raven takes him to "climb some grain bins." Whatever that means.
- Why are they dirty already??
- They look like photos of children in the Dust Bowl.
- "WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOIN'??" - Every Southern cop ever.
- So it turns out the cop is Raven's older brother. I like it.
- Seriously though why are they so filthy??
- This isn't happening.
- Wet t-shirt contest in the swamp.
- Do you KNOW what lives in there??
- Are you even aware of the bacteria???
- I would be so so so pissed that he just put my hair in that freakin' gangrene water. No way, no how.
- Then they got to meet Raven's fam.
- Gotta say, I don't see the resemblance.
- They then proceed to have the sweetest moment I've ever seen on this show.
- Welp now I'm sobbing.
- DAMMIT HOXIE STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU.
- Y'all honestly this is the best hometown ever. These folks sound exactly lke the folks I grew up with. The South is the best.
- They shouldn't end up together, but I still love it.
- Raven fails to say I love you (probably because her mama scared her about it earlier) and that's that. I can't really even see the rest of the date through my tears. Bye, Hoxie! We loved visiting!
PART II: Texas Forever.
- Well, let's deliver this stillborn.
- I'm gonna hit the highlights because we obviously already know how this turns out.
- Nick arrives in Texas wearing his Texas Costume (a collared, starched shirt instead of a plaid one).
- Rachel tells him she has a surprise for him and they go...
- Good question. Let's watch!
- Later, they visit the house, where Rachel's family proves to be exactly as perfect as we thought they'd be.
- Okay so this begs the question...WHY does Rachel go home?? She has to make it to the final two and get sent home. Has to. Because why else would she go??
PART III: #CORN
- Women who run up to their boyfriends and do the leg wrap gross me. Sorry. They do. I know I've done it before but even the memory of it grosses me.
- "So today I'm gonna show Nick exactly how expensive it would be be married to me."
- Although I guess technically this money is hers?
- We are then treated to a montage of Corn shopping that I honestly couldn't be more delighted by:
- Followed by a montage of Nick shopping that made me want to throw up.
- Except for the part where Corinne is the sugar daddy in this scenario. I do love that.
- *needle scratch*
- HOW MUCH???
- Mmkay let's just cut to Raquel.
- This whole "Raquel is our servant" thing is not the cutest.
- At least she's eating with them? I guess? ...I don't know. It's odd. I feel weird about it.
- "AND NOW, THE OLIVES!!!"
- Nick exercises horrible table manners by sticking his forefinger in the bowl as he passes it. Nobody wants your finger germs, Nick.
- Dad Corn takes Corn for a talk....
- ...on her bed.
- He then shares a 15-year-old single malt scotch with Nick, but adds a couple of ice cubes. You know, to make the scotch worse!
- Nick gets Raquel's blessing and all is well.
- #corn win.
PART IV: Canada
- ABC chose to spend a full half of the episode here, but I will not be. I'm treating Vanessa fairly. Because THAT'S WHO WE DO THINGS IN AMERICA, ya maple leaf.
- Nick's Canada costume: white t-shirt and a sweater.
- Vanessa takes Nick to meet her students and the interaction starts off as very touching:
- ...and then gets really strange, as she has her adult special needs students make a scrapbook of she and her boyfriend making out in bathing suits.
- By the way, the reciprocal of getting a scrapbook is GIVING a scrapbook. Not having them make another scrapbook.
- Not loving this. I feel like these sweet folks are getting pimped out for the sake of reality TV.
- I'm telling you. Didn't I tell you? Vanessa is not the one.
- The only way this date gets interesting to me is if Justin Trudeau shows up
- Yes, please, Justin.
- Then we go to the houses where things get even weirder.
- I will illustrate how I think each conversation went with a closing GIF.
- The sister:
- Then, the torture continues with her dad's side of the family which is, if possible, less warm and even weirder.
- Although we do get treated to this DELICIOUS moment:
- Oh, sorry. That last GIF is actually MY reaction. Not how the conversation went.
- The conversation went more like this:
PART V: The 4-minute "deliberation" before this episode is over.
- ...apparently Andi shows up.
- She won't be doing anything but giving him advice. Especially since she's boinking Chris Harrison (probably). This smells like a desperate publicity stunt from someone whose book got reviews like this one:
'Til next week, Bachelor Nation. You know what's coming.