This episode was deemed "Sex Island" by my husband last year when he asked me what the premise of the particular series of dates is.
"Oh," I replied. "This is the episode where the Bachelor/Bachelorette gets to sleep with all the remaining cast members."
"So it's basically just like...an island of sex? Sex Island?"
"...this is a terrible TV show."
Part Last Week.
- Clearly he knew this was happening. This is such a stupid facade.
- Get it, you guys?? Because this is going to be The Most Dramatic Conversation In Bachelor History.
- Oh just kidding it's going to be pretty uninteresting and not that deep.
- Can someone explain to me why Andi is acting like she's such hot shit? Like she's doing a lot of "look how adorable I am" nose-wrinkling/eyebrow-raising/growly-voice-talking.
- Andi, this is mean, but you are not a big deal. You weren't a very popular Bachelorette and you picked a cro magnon with four brain cells to rub together.
- Meanwhile all the other girls line up and wait in the arctic temps.
- I'm about to tell you suckers something RIGHT NOW - Rachel better not get dragged to Sex Island and then dumped.
- He better dump her right now if he's gonna do it.
- SO I think we have two outcomes here: Hoxie goes home or Rachel goes home.
- Back to this insipid dribble:
- HOW IS THIS AN OKAY CONVERSATION TO HAVE?!
- I hope that whoever he picked in the end is watching this episode and whacking him over the head with a magazine for discussing their sexual relationship with HIS EX GIRLFRIEND ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
- Blah blah blah Andi basically says, "You're entitled to boink whoever you want, don't hold back, do your thing," and concludes with:
- Finally Andi leaves and Nick goes to the rose ceremony.
- RAVEN GETS IN??
- CANNOT BELIEVE Hoxie got a rose first. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!
- RACHEL TOO???? HOLY WOW what is happening
- Who's going home?!?!
- NO CORN
- NO CORN PLEASE STAY
- I'm devastated
- I can't go on
- Please notice Raven and Rachel hugging and Vanessa...not hugging. Because Vanessa is the WORST.
- Nick walks Corinne out with a heart-wrenching conversation:
- Corn gets into the limo and talks about how she's done "kissing up" to men and from now on, she's just gonna let the mens come to her.
- And then closes with this perfect line:
- And, just as mysteriously as she arrived, she was gone.
- You were my girl, Corn. I'll never forget you.
PART I: The Case of the Missing Orgasm
- "Raven's so great, Raven's right for me, blah blah blah." I am honestly shocked that she's made it this far. NEVER would've pegged it.
- Can we all just turn this off and go to Finland?? This place looks magical.
- They chat about hometowns, about reindeer, about snow, or something...I'm not really listening at this point because I'm still mourning Corn. #courning
- I'm going to just roll right through that one, Nick.
- What's shocking to me about Hoxie still being here is not just that Nick still likes her, but that I like her. A lot.
- But for real, she's adorable.
- I honestly can't believe how candid she's being about all of this stuff.
- Did you really need to make her spell it out, Nick??
- Okay we're all nervous. Good deal. NEXT.
- Let's all go find this guy she dated and beat him to death.
- DON'T BRING YOUR DAD INTO THIS, DAMMIT! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO
- She's so nervous to tell him this - Hoxie, you rascal. You're makin' me love you.
- Well that was extremely genuine and precious and now Hoxie is my front-runner. Because I loathe Vanessa And obvi Rachel doesn't win.
- Fantasy suite card comes out and Raven has two reminders:
- But seriously, how is this actually being discussed on TV, you guys?? How. How. How. HOW. How. Somebody tell me.
- Remember how I said we should all go find the ex-boyfriend and beat him to death? Well...I think she just took care of it. That guy ain't gettin' NO dates.
- And that's where we leave things.
- Oh, nope. Wait. I lied. THIS is where we leave things:
Next week we find out what happens with Raven (I predict the euphemism "fireworks" will be used at least twice) and whether or not Nick is the dirtbag who sleeps with Rachel and then cuts her.
This was a stupid one-hour episode. I hate you, Chris Harrison.
And also the Women Tell All. Which is basically going to just be a Corinne v. Taylor showdown. And we all know whose team I'm on.