Okay so last week's episode began with the battle of Corinne vs. Taylor. This week is also beginning that way. CAN TAYLOR LEAVE ALREADY?
PART -I (Also known as last week's pre-rose ceremony):
- Oh RIGHT I forgot that crazy ass Taylor let those swamp people rub oil on her and now we have to find out why.
- Man she's walkin' with a purpose, huh? Looks like me when someone says, "Pizza!"
- Taylor interrupts Corinne and Nick's meal and, like the weasel he is, Nick leaves his current date to go hang out with another girl.
- ...I don't think he's really concerned with whether you're taking this anymore, Taylor. Thankfully, the option for you to take or not to take this has been removed from the table!
- ...wait, that's it?? We STILL DON'T KNOW WHY SHE GOT RUBBED DOWN? She didn't even put a hex on him or anything?!
- RIP Taylor. You were really annoying and now you're trying to make yourself a martyr to get rid of Corinne.
PART I: Rose ceremony.
- Harrison comes in and drops the bomb: NO COCKTAIL PARTY FOR YOU.
- Dolphinshark knows she's headed home.
- So: Josephine, Jasmine, and Jamie are gone, maybe?
- VANESSA. WHO WEARS A BRA WITH A SPAGHETTI STRAP DRESS.
- Good grief, someone please call the fashion police.
- I'm so distracted by that flagrant bra that I'm not even paying attention. Okay who went home?
- Josephine, Dolphinshark (NOOOOO!), and Jaime?
- Wow Jasmine is STILL HERE. They have had exactly 0 meaningful conversations that we've gotten to see. WTF.
- At least Josephine can get back to her cats.
- It was beautiful while it lasted, Dolphinshark. We loved you the most. CUE THE SARAH MCLACHLAN.
PART II - One-on-one.
- Did these girls not get the memo from that last haunted house date?? DON'T WEAR JEANS AND WHITE TOPS. Everyone does that.
- You fools look like you're in a girl band.
- But Rachel, my queen, looks perfect.
- Okay. Kristina gets the date. Interesting, interesting.
- I think that Kristina interests Nick not because she's multifaceted, but actually he enjoys congratulating himself that he'd be interested in a multifaceted girl. I mean LOOK at how smug he is.
- "She has a sister in Russia. Does that make me look cool or WHAT??"
- Is he wearing a Livestrong bracelet?!?!
Meanwhile, back at the Marriott:
- ABC, this is low, even for you. You plant a "nanny" to give Corinne even more storyline??
- Oh no she's really doing things for her. Oh no oh no.
- WHY WOULD ABC THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE AN OLDER BLACK WOMAN SERVE A YOUNG SPOILED WHITE GIRL?! Have you no idea how this looks, you idiots??
- My husband literally took one look at this and said, "Oh, GOD. No WAY."
- Dear ABC,
This was very bad. You are stupid and, as usual, at least vaguely racist. This time it wasn't even vague.
Back on the date...
- Kristina tells Nick, no exaggeration, one of the most gut-wrenching stories I've ever heard.
- Okay this Kristina stuff is absolutely the heaviest and most inspiring thing I've ever heard on this show. Holy HELL.
- I was kind of crying through this whole thing.
- Yes, would be. But you won't be, because you'll cut her loose in 2 weeks because she's too complicated for you.
- RUN, KRISTINA.
PART III - Group date.
- Man they are really covering a lot of ground tonight! I'm here for it.
- Okay y'all I have a hot take.
- I don't like Vanessa.
- I don't know!! I just don't care for her. She's a little too much. I think she'll reveal more of her hand and you'll agree with me eventually.
- This group date is just them all getting hammered.
- ...while you creepily stand in the bushes and watch??
- Sometimes I like to remember what these folks do in the real world:
- HahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah ya were. And now? You're playin' drunk volleyball for a weasel.
- Also why is everyone's bathing suit so weird and complicated? Danielle's was woven by a spider and Corinne's has 85 extra straps.
- Then, the most amazing thing happens.
- All the women start to melt down because they're drunk enough to objectively realize how stupid this.
- I totally totally totally totally totally agree with you, Rachel. Why the hell are these grown women playing volleyball "for" him?? This was so indecent and antifeminist.
- This was so ridiculous. Everyone's wasted, you forced them to play volleyball while you watched like the creepy next door neighbor, and now they're all realizing how dumb that was.
- I love this so much. This was stupid and it just blew up in his face.
Later, at the afterparty...
- First of all, let's just assume everyone had a nice long nap. Because #probably. You can't daydrink like that without consequences, people.
- Rachel has fabulous clothes. I want to switch wardrobes with her.
- She tells Nick that it was almost curtains for him today, and he's all, "But please don't go home, that would make me sad."
- "Which is why I'm having...gas pains." Is probably how that sentence ended.
- Anyway, the real drama is that Jasmine has officially come unhinged and she is DONE WITH THIS.
- Everybody wave goodbye as she spirals into her doom!
- Nick and Jasmine finally get some alone time together and she is primed. Ready. Jasmine did NOT have a nap earlier.
- Uh oh. Here come the tears.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, NO. We went from tears to her miming choking him not once but THRICE.
- Oh that was extremely hard to watch.
- Gah is this whole episode supposed to make me feel so damn uncomfortable? Where is the frippery?? Where are the fun, stupid dates?!
- Anyway, as I said earlier, bye Jasmine!
PART IV: Two-on-one.
- One thing I'll say about Nick is that he is not kidding around. We've already lost four girls in one episode and it looks like we're at least due to lose one more.
- Okay. Tits vs. Whits.
- What is gonna happen??? I think Tits is definitely headed to Sex Island (AKA Fantasy Suites).
- Tits is adorable and we don't know a single damn thing about Whitney.
- That is some VERY intense contouring for a day at the beach.
- He keeps rubbing her leg in this upsetting way:
- Here's how this conversation goes:
Him: How are you feeling?
Her: Fine I guess but this whole thing is super weird but I'm gonna pretend it isn't.
Him: *Pretends to listen while groping her leg*
- Then he goes to visit Tits' part of the island.
- She's talking, but he's thinking:
- So after 5 minutes with Tits he's like, "Okay yeah bye Whitney."
- ...but still Tits doesn't have a rose?? Weird.
- Then Nick 'n' Tits have some din din.
- ...what?? So you're love adjacent adjacent?
- What's the matter with him? Does he feel like he wants to send her home? Because he's acting constipated.
- I mean it might as well have been as simple as that.
- Him: What flavors of ice cream do you like?
Her: Vanilla. Butter pecan.
Him: Mmhmm. Mmhmm.
Her: What about you?
Him: Superman with sprinkles BYE.
- He is absolutely a stone cold psycho for letting her get through this whole conversation and still OBVIOUSLY about to send her home.
- This is terrible.
- AT LEAST PUT THE ROSE DOWN WHILE YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH HER.
- Then he goes back looking for some comfort.
- "I just really want to be honest with you guys and tell you that I'm basically fearful for every single relationship. I'm worried that it's going to work out with none of you. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Anyway, good talk."
- Sorry your life is so tough, Nicholas. Maybe stop throwing away quality girls and act less like a sewer rat.
- Although obviously #teamRachel forever, though I can't decide if that means I'd rather her win or I'd rather her escape with her life.
- He knocked out a whole MESS of girls tonight:
At least we have this to look forward to next week:
- In the meantime, please bow your heads for a moment of silence.
- 🎶 I will remember youuuuuuuu 🎶