This post could be about 1,000 years long. Why? Because the Enneagram is just. So. GOOD.
I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the Enneagram when I was about 18. After taking a test from a workbook to determine my type, I began to read about myself in a depth that I’d never read before. Suddenly, a lot of hidden pieces of my personality were right in front of me in black and white, some of which weren’t particularly flattering.
But let’s back up for a second. What is the Enneagram?
The basics:
The Enneagram (pronounced “any-ah-gram”) is a thousands-of-years-old tool that’s been used by spiritual healers, gurus, and leaders for centuries. The modern version as we know it has been around since the 70’s, but the teachings behind that method are drawn from ancient traditions and have been synthesized to create what we now know as “The Enneagram.” Using it builds self-awareness, deep introspective knowledge, improves relationships, and can even act as a form of therapy (it certainly has for me!).
It’s gained a ton of popularity - like, a ton - in the last few years because of meme culture and Instagram accounts like @enneagramandcoffee (who lives in Asheville, wouldn’t you know!), among others. People casually identify with a type and may even type themselves according to things they see on social media. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but the real work begins when you take a test written by Enneagram experts.
There are nine personality types within the Enneagram. The number of a type has nothing to do with the order of development - in other words, a Type 1 is not superior to a Type 7, or vice versa. Each number contains within it descriptions of the deep ins and outs of what makes a person tick: our motivations, our fears, our best and worst selves. And the types relate to one another in lots of different and fascinating ways.
One thing you’ll often hear people talk about when they're discussing Enneagram types is “wings.” Someone might say, “I’m a Type One, wing 2.” A lot of times it’s written as “1w2.” A “wing” simply means that of the two types on either side of your number, you identify more strongly with one than the other. It’s just a way to add some complexity to your type, because no one fits every single tenet of a single type and no tenets of any other type. A really common misconception is that a “wing” is the type you score second highest in - for example, if someone took the test and scored highest as a 6, and second-highest as a 2, they might say they’re a 6w2. That’s an incorrect usage of the term, because a wing can only be attached to your primary type. Think about it like a bird: if you’re a Type 9, your wings are on either side, so you can either be a 9w1 or a 9w8, but not a 9w4.
I know, it’s a lot.
BUT - it’s important stuff, because the more you understand about how it works, the better you can apply it to life, and the more profound conclusions you’ll get out of it. I promise!
It may seem like gobbledygook, woo woo, astrological bullshit to some of you. And I get that - I think I’d probably feel that way on a first pass, myself. But I’ll tell you that my husband, the ultimate skeptic and data-driven geek, is very into the Enneagram because he knows what I know: this is the real deal.
Okay, so let’s get personal.
My life as an 8:
It’s so funny that even years into this thing, I still get nervous about admitting I’m an 8. If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, you know that 8’s have an association with anger and confrontation, which are things that make me wince to imagine you might associate with me. You can read more about Type 8’s here so we’ll all be on the same page.
SO.
I’m an 8w9, which essentially means my version of an 8 is a bit less intense and confrontational than most. I don’t really consider myself a confrontational person by nature, but I also think the root of the description is true for me: I don’t allow myself to be pushed around, and I have a deeply flowing sense of justice - both for myself, those I love, and those who can’t defend themselves. One of the things you learn about when you delve into the Enneagram is the concept of “triads,” and that each type falls into one of three: the Feelings/Heart Triad (Types 2, 3, 4), the Anger/Gut Triad (Types 8, 9, 1), and Thinking/Head Triad (Types 5, 6, 7). 8 sits firmly in the Anger Triad, which just means that we tend to default to anger. If something unexpected happens, rather than feeling sad or anxious, we’re more likely to get angry. And boy, is that true for me.
If someone cuts me off in traffic? Angry. If someone changes a dinner plan that I’d made pains to arrange my schedule around? Angry. If someone is late? Angry. Not necessarily long-lasting, plotting your death anger, but like...a flash of white hot “How dare you?” anger. I know many of you might be thinking, “Well yeah - those are situations that would make anyone angry.” But in reality, many people would experience sadness (“Why doesn’t this person respect me?”) or anxiety (“I’ll never be worthy of love,”) as an initial response. It’s so interesting how differently we all process.
Being that the other name for my triad is the Gut Triad, I’m also a person who makes quick, gut-based decisions on things. As with most traits, sometimes that’s a great quality, and sometimes it means I’m a stubborn ass who is hard to be married to. Jordan is a Type 3 (3w4, for anyone who wants to know!), and he is much slower to make a decision than I am - again, sometimes great and sometimes it makes me want to punch him in the head. But when we work together best is when we each “stay in our lane” and respect the other’s process, rather than trying to force the other over to our side.
Here are a few examples of how this quality shows up for me:
In good ways! When I was pregnant with Mac, I made the decision right up front that I didn’t need to seek out every single person or book’s input on how to have/raise a baby. I wanted to honor and trust my own instincts as a mom. I chose one sleep training program, one “how to” book about pregnancy, and two young moms to really invest in. Doing that allowed me to let other people’s unsolicited advice or feedback just roll off my back, because I knew that I had what I needed to know - and that all the things I didn’t know, I could ask my trusted advisors! When Mac was born, I took the reigns of sleep training him and had no problem playing “bad cop” on the nights when he had to cry it out because I knew, ultimately, it was for his own good. It’s easy for me to compartmentalize unpleasant things if I know that doing so will produce fruit for me. 8’s are typically very pragmatic that way - we lead with kind of a no-nonsense stride.
In bad ways! Any time I make a decision about something, I have a really hard time hearing other people’s feedback about it because I’m so convinced it’s the right thing (even when it’s not). This comes up most frequently with furniture or interior design. If I’ve made a choice about where something should go and have gone to the trouble to move it and style it, it both wounds and enrages me to have Jordan come in and say, “Do you really like that there?” Even in the most benign comments, the ugly streak of “UM YES I DO AND I AM RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING SO SUCK IT,” is always bubbling just below the surface. Unless you’re very close to me, you wouldn’t know this trait existed, but in my most intimate and comfortable relationships, it rears its head!
Over the years, Jordan has lovingly developed a state of mind he calls “Mary Catherine-Level Confidence” to describe any time that I claim I’m 100% sure about something, only to find out that I’m dreadfully wrong or misguided. His favorite example of this was when there was a mysterious buzz coming from somewhere in our house. We couldn’t place it, but I’d decided that it was coming from the speaker where our doorbell rang. (Did I know this for sure? No. No, I did not.) I told Jordan I was “1,000% sure it’s coming from there.” He, of course, checked, and...it wasn’t. For him, 1,000% sure would entail having already gone to the electrical board, switched things on/off, found the buzz by process of elimination, etc. For me,1,000% sure meant, “Yeah, I feel like this is right.” Because a lot of the time, that works out pretty well - so that bad habit is reinforced!
Female 8’s are a particularly unique type on the Enneagram spectrum, because the qualities of an 8 on paper are most likely associated with male energy. I mean, the four words used to sum up an 8 on The Enneagram Institute’s website are “self-confident, decisive, willful,” and “confrontational.” That doesn’t sound like how we culturally describe women, as a rule. And that can make life tricky - over the years, I have found myself comfortable in groups of men sometimes more so than groups of women because my foul mouth and occasional crass-ness can ruffle the feathers of some female comrades. In groups of women, I often find myself subconsciously “testing the waters” by dropping a few subtle swear words into the conversation to see who is offended and who doesn’t care. The “don’t cares” are typically more my speed.
I, along with many 8’s, am a “suffer-no-fools” sort of person, and have a really hard time with passive aggression, indecision, whining, hypochondria, and exaggeration about how bad something is. Most of those things present as very disingenuous to me, which makes me immediately suspect that someone is not trustworthy, and therefore not someone I can safely be around or open up to.
Of course, this is not to say that I myself am not emotional. I’m very tender-hearted and sensitive to other people's emotions and pain. Empathy is one of my strongest soft skills, and it’s one of the major reasons why I’ve cultivated this blog to be a space where everyone, regardless of political or religious ilk, can feel welcome. But the strong empathetic quality is a double-edged sword: over-done, it can mean that I take on other people’s feelings, which is why compartmentalizing is so important for me. Done just right, it means I’m emotional and expressive, but still can maintain a healthy boundary.
The bottom line of all that is that 8’s are, in our hearts, very tender, sensitive, and deeply vulnerable people. The tougher exterior is constructed so that our soft little under bellies aren’t wounded by every passerby. Me seeing who can “handle” me socially (by swearing, for example) is a cursory way for me to figure out who is likely to be a real, deep friend.
In my most meaningful relationships, I think (I hope!) most of my very close friends would describe me as loyal, loving, and very supportive through thick and thin. Those I consider to be “my people” have my undying support. I try to really prioritize showing up for people and letting them know they can count on me, and I hope that they feel it! :)
One of the biggest things I struggle with in life is the concept of control. Control is big for 8’s, because, on a basic level, if we can control our environments, that means we will never be hurt. (Of course that’s not true, but we’re great at convincing ourselves that it is!) Releasing control in any given situation is always an act of will for me - whether that’s trusting someone else to make plans for a group outing, allowing Mac to stay up beyond the parameters of a nap for a special occasion, etc. But those moments of surrender are also so important and healthy; the older I get, the more I’m learning to embrace them!
So I feel like I’ve revealed a lot of deeply unflattering things about myself in this type - here are some things I love about being an 8:
I think I’m a good leader, and really enjoy rallying a team or creating bonds among people who might otherwise have nothing in common.
A commitment to social justice has always been and will always be of paramount important for me; I love seeing the needs of traditionally disenfranchised people being met, and I love when the underdog wins.
I like to think I have a “can-do” attitude, as The Enneagram Institute describes, and that I don’t balk in the face of a challenge. I like to think that I can handle most things that come my way (which, as I said earlier, can be problematic but can also be good!).
What I’ve learned:
The Enneagram has taught me SO MUCH. One of my favorite things about using it as a tool is that you get information about yourself at your best and at your worst - it’s a dynamic device. You can tell when you’ve slipped into a less healthy version of yourself because those traits are clearly identified, and you can tell when you’re soaring because that’s laid out, too!
My lessons will be specific to me, of course, but I hope the gravity of what they mean to my life helps illuminate just how great using The Enneagram can be. I’ve learned:
To open, soften, and release control. I talked about this a little above, but the biggest takeaway for me has been that just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should - and that, in many cases, I actually cannot do that thing (or don’t know the answer, or can’t control it, etc.). It is actually a great relief to not be in charge, and the more I embrace that, the happier I am.
That it’s okay to be myself. I spent years navigating the waters of “She’s a little much,” from elementary school until a few years ago. I think, on some level, I feared my big personality because it might make people think I was attention-crazy, or selfish, or obnoxious, or not very smart. I’ve settled into a groove now of allowing my “big-ness” to come through in the ways I both choose and embrace, and celebrating that might mean I can accomplish a lot if I put my mind to it!
That softness does not equal weakness. It’s easy for 8’s to confuse quietness, indecision, or emotionality for weakness - and that’s just plain wrong. SO many people who embody characteristics that are most subtle are the strongest among us!
How useful the Enneagram is as a tool to understand others! My marriage has been enriched so much by the Enneagram because Jordan and I have both read and studied each other’s types. When we’re most frustrated with each other, we can look to what is truly causing the offending behavior and understand it rather than dismiss or get angry with it. That’s all thanks to what the Enneagram has brought to our lives in terms of grasping each other’s deepest fears, vulnerabilities, and the ways in which we can best love and partner with the other. I have also forced all of my best friends to take the test and am so grateful for how much better I have a handle on who they are and what makes them tick.
I thought I’d end with several questions my Instagram followers posed about the Enneagram, along with a couple I’ve gotten over the years.
Enneagram FAQ:
How can I find out my type? There are lots of quizzes online, but my recommendation is to fork over the $12 and take the real test, which can be found here.
What if I’m stuck between two types? Do some investigating! You can read about each type in depth on the website. A good rule of thumb is that reading about your own type will often cause you to feel a little embarrassment or self-consciousness, almost like someone is reading your diary - if you feel like they’re calling you out, chances are, that’s your type!
Okay, I know my type - where can I learn more? There are so many amazing books and resources out there - my only caution would be to make sure you are choosing sources written by experts, and not by random Instagram accounts (for the record, @enneagramandcoffee is a certified Enneagram guru and knows her stuff!). The Wisdom of the Enneagram is basically a textbook - worth every penny and is something I’ve had on my nightstand for the last decade. The Road Back to You is also wonderful. Those are my two favorites.
Is The Enneagram a religion? No! It’s just a tool to know and better yourself. I’m United Methodist and I love how the Enneagram complements the teachings of Jesus. It’s often used alongside or in tandem with lots of different religious teachings.
Is this like astrology? Or Myers Briggs? Kind of, but not really.
Astrology’s whole basis (per my very limited understanding) is that when you’re born, the stars align and produce some sort of result that’s based on factors outside your control. The Enneagram also posits that you’re born a particular type, but it’s got a lot more to do with the factors that make you you, rather than what happened to be going on in the cosmos at the time of your birth.
Myers Briggs and other personality tests are also really great tools, but what I love about the Enneagram is how dynamic it is. Rather than just a diagnosis, the Enneagram gives you a roadmap.
Is The Enneagram Satanist? ...um, no. Believe it or not this a real question that several people submitted to my Instagram questions box prior to writing this post. My guess is that people are confusing the shape of the Enneagram with a pentagram, which is a Satanist symbol? I honestly have no idea where this came from, but it’s a hard no.
Is one type better than another? Like I said above, the numbers assigned to the type should be seen as just numbers, not ranks. There is no type that is more evolved or better than any other type - everyone is equal, and everyone is different.
What about types in relationship with each other - is there such a thing as a mis-match? No! All types are compatible in both friendship and relationship. Although there will be some types that bring out better and worse qualities in each other, there’s no such thing as a “bad” pairing.
Does your type ever change? Nope. You are who you are.
Happy self-discovery!