I watch Hocus Pocus every year, and Jordan and I are constantly narrating through it. So this year, those narrations arrive in blog form. Here are 85 things I thought while watching this movie as an adult.
We open with the livestock going nuts. The animals always know. They know the witches are back.
Was it normal for ancient siblings to share a room? It feels…intimate.
I need to understand more about the accent work Thackery is doing. Are we…English?? Vaguely English? Puritans? I don’t really have a full grip on it.
Fun historical fact, our accents today in the US are actually more reminiscent of what British people sounded like pre-US founding.
…no shoes? didn’t need to just real quick stop to put on shoes? Don’t you think that would make you a lot faster?
Also what time is it???? Wasn’t it just morning?? Why is it pitch black dark now?
I love the ugly “old” witches. So amazing and camp.
Bette Midler did an incredible job developing that voice where her teeth are out the entire time.
Honestly the reason this movie is what it is is because all three of the Sanderson sisters are committing SO. HARD. to their roles. Next time you watch it, just pay special attention to how hardcore each of them is going into their part. If even one of them was like, “No this is kind of lame, I’m embarrassed,” it doesn’t work. They’re 1000000% in. Like, for effect: if you just go watch an episode of Sex and the City, then immediately watch Hocus Pocus, you’ll really see the level of character commitment here.
DEAD MAN’S TOE.
The whole time Thackery was up there in the rafters monitoring the situation, he could’ve been crafting a plan of some sort. Instead he just jumped down on the ground. Rather…cat-like? HMMMMM???
That little grey slumped over dead girl sure the hell is just sitting in the background of this whole damn scene. WOOF.
Also…equally tough that they just HANG the witches and we watch it happen?? Brutal.
This part always breaks my heart when Thackery goes to find his family and the dad says AWAY BEAST! it’s so sad!!! Like I’m the kind of person who starts spinning out about that kind of thing. “Where does he go? He doesn't know how to live in the wild!!! How did he stay warm?? Did he just sleep in the leaves? Can cats cry? Do you think he was crying in the leaves?”
Do you think Max Dennison is hot y/n I feel like it says a lot about you either way
Allison’s hair is absolutely sta-RAIGHT cut on the ends. Boy. That is a 90’s blunt cut right there, people.
Allison is also wearing a fully bright red tasseled, hooded witch’s cloak. It was really a choice.
“Trick or treat? …trick, you son of a bitch. Here’s your number back, leave me alone.” - Allison, probably
Riding your bike through a graveyard y/n (n)
The fact that these random guys just are chillin in the graveyard? What on earth? Are you deviants rolling marijuana cigarettes out here?
Riding a bike in socks would hurt like the dickens.
Hot dad in this movie. Kind of.
Now I’m watching this with 32 y/o eyes, thinking, “Oh my gosh, a Cape Cod with a lofted bedroom and belltower?? Well pass the white wine and sign me UP!”
“KISS ME I’M ALLISON!” This is the first example of the very odd, romantic overtone within this brother sister relationship. If you have a brother you know you would never roll into his room and be like, “_________, kiss me, I’m your girlfriend.” That is a weird fucking thing to say. Stay tuned for more.
“You’re 8, go by yourself.”
That scream Dani uses to get him to go? That is the opposite of how to try to get me to do something. Just in case anyone ever tries that scream in the future, like in a negotiation or something. Hand over a bag of bagels and I’m yours.
Thora Birch is fantastic in this movie. Her little girl ‘tude is unmatched.
Dani dramatically collapsing into someone else’s Halloween hay display his iconic dramatic little girl.
Meanwhile, Max snuggling in behind her and sweetly flirting/pouting with her until she changes her mood is…a choice. “Something just flew across the moon! JUST KIDDING” holds from behind
“Max likes your yabos. In fact, he loves them.” - something a sister would not say about her brother
Two distinct pronunciations of the words of the word costume: “KOH-schyoom,” and “KOS-toom.” I am in the latter camp.
Trick or treating as Wendy and Peter Pan is honestly a horrible punishment. He really did like those yabos.
Max really thinks a lot of his lighter flip.
PICKING NITS (a la The Rewatchables, the best podcast): The museum has power despite the fact it’s been out of commission for long enough to get covered in cobwebs?
“Bound in human skin” is a really high level of gross for a Disney movie.
There it is!!! He said the line! HOCUS POCUS
Max Dennison comes out as a virgin AND basically ruins everyone’s lives in a single moment.
…does Mary Sanderson eat children? Because she talks about prep methods a lot. BBQ, shishkebaby…
The CGI on Thackery. Stunning to a 2021 eye. Nearly 30 years since this movie was made.
First responders are very quick to blame strange occurrences on “teenagers.” “Teenagers” breaking the hardware story in Halloween and steal all the knives. “Teenagers.” set off the mayhem in the Sanderson house. Let’s maybe investigate a bit further?
Emily’s tombstone is spelled “Binx.” But everything I’ve ever read bills Thackery as “Binks.” What on earth?? I’m getting to the bottom of this.
Wow. Googled it. It is actually Binx. With an x.
“Farewell, mortal bus boy!”
This movie really is so funny and brilliant. Like, them being able to walk around in plain sight because it’s Halloween?? SO GOOD.
Garry Marshall GOD BLESS YOU. A genius and a legend. And adding even MORE to the theory that the writing between Dani and Max is romantic…who plays Garry Marshall’s wife in this movie? His SISTER PENNY MARSHALL I’VE CRACKED THE CASE
I kind of feel like impersonating a cop on Halloween is a weird and dangerous thing to do? Isn’t that illegal?
“And he’s a virgin.” “Come here. Are you a virgin?” LORDY people this child is in high school!!! Only in the 90’s.
My husband once cut the tip of his finger off trimming bamboo. Whenever Billy’s fingers got chopped off in the sewer grate, Jordan said “Triggered” and left the room.
Penny Marshall’s curlers, fully smoking and drinking inside. I mean, come on. It’s too good.
“AMOK! AMOK AMOK AMOK AMOK!”
Hot dad has become creepy dad kissing the hand of a strange teenage girl. “Who might this charming young blood be?” Dear Dad-cula, you’re canceled. The aud-dad-city.
I’m trying to think about what I would do in this position as parents. My children arrive at a party where I’m likely not sober, telling me a story about witches. I mean I think at the very least we’d go outside and talk about it quietly and not be standing in the middle of a party screaming at each other. Right?
Okay I saw on a behind the scenes thing that Bette Midler insisted that there be shots of her feet in this movie. And in the “I’ll Put A Spell On You” scene, they do showcase her feet. …weird.
Bette Midler just serving pure showgirl in the song. Why does it give me chills? I’m obsessed with it.
Who’s gonna be the other two sisters with me?? Obviously I want to be SJP so I need someone who’s willing to be Mary and Winifred. Please?
Picking nits: I’m going to ignore the fact that this song came out in the 50’s and also none of these sisters would understand it. As well as…electricity. And a live band. And lights and all the other things.
That said, a lot of movies really try hard to make a random musical number work and it really, really is weird. But this really makes sense.
They make it easy to break into a school.
Aaaaaand they’re back to not understanding how technology works. Honestly I’m not even mad at it.
Boy they sure just stood there and watched their bodies burn, huh? Just right up against the glass. Even the 8 year old. Therapy fodder.
“You’re a Dennison now, one of us!” “Actually I’m all good, I’ve been living alone for 300 years so I’ve kind of got a routine, do my own thing…thanks though.” - Thackery, probably
POV: you come home to find your elementary school daughter in bed with a strange cat and your teenage son sleeping nearby with his girlfriend. What is their punishment?
Love the “Call me ugly and get put into cages in my witch house” energy.
“A dead man’s ‘chungs’?? CHUNGS?!"'
32-year-old me is watching that long-haired assy teenager get spun around real fast in that cage and is about to vomit. Nothing like getting older to really lock in the motion sickness.
Listen you’re an idiot if you haven’t learned your lesson and open the book anyway. “The witches are dead, what harm could it do?” WELL, let’s workshop. What happened the last time you did something that seemed really stupid? I really think they deserve what they get at this point. Thackery is a cat and he’s a cat forever the end.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” “Bye bye world.” “Goodbye, life.” “Bye bye life.” Classique.
Phew that pantry is a disaster in that “looking for salt” scene. Like, mason jars randomly shoved in there? 7 UP? Seasonings? Call The Home Edit immediately.
The shot where they bust out of the roof after kidnapping Dani is a HUGE EXPLOSION, hahahahahahahahahahaa oh my word it’s enormous. Did Michael Bay direct this movie?!? What on earth?! Please go watch that scene. I am dying laughing
Ah, the SJP song scene. Like is this an example of a song that doesn’t fully work? Does she love that broom so much? She does. But like, it’s fine. We love her so we’re making it work.
Why are Max and Alison driving the opposite way the kids are going?
The car headlights - brilliant!!
Stone cold Max, leaving those creeps in the cage.
“Max, I want to see them turn to dust.” …yikes?
Allison sweetie I don’t think you have to whistle anymore. Like you look very tired and exasperated, you’re good. Just talk aloud. The signal has lost its power. Say “I’m here with the car!”
I read that the guy who plays Billy had actual live moths in his mouth and he had to hold thee in there while he pretending to cut the threads. And that they had to do it twice, because the first time the moths died. IN HIS MOUTH. And then, like…fell out soggily.
Classic greedy villain, a whole sea of children, but she’s gotta have the one.
Allison, again, girl…just put everybody in a ring of salt. Like, jump in the circle with Dani? We’re wasting a lot of salt here babe. I’m going to deem you officially the Least Helpful character in this movie.
MAX YOU’RE IN A STANDOFF, LITERALLY ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS WAIT, STANDING THERE WITH THE POTION UNTIL THE SUN CAME UP. WHY DID YA DRINK IT. WHY!??!
Amazing power cord on the vacuum.
Falling that far off a broom is 100% a trip to the ER. Like, when he drank the potion it must have also made him boneless.
They did Bette Midler WRONG with that statue. You have to know she was PISSED about her rendering and how unattractive it is.
Also why does she turn to stone first and the other sisters just explode in a glitter disco ball? Fascinating. Ah, the physics of the paranormal.
“You saved my life.” “Well I had to, I’m your big brother.” “I love you, jerk face.” “I love you ,too.” Laying on his side with his shirt torn open. It’s a lot, Romeo. Cut the crap.
Once again, Thora Birch is a scene-stealer. Very believable tears in the Binx death scene no I’m not crying are you crying?? (I’m crying)
“Thackery! Thackery Binx!” in a fully American accent
Always get massive chills at the final scene with the sun rising and the ghosts walking into the horizon iT’S SO GOOD
Final shot is Max nuzzling into Dani’s cheek GET AWAY YOU’RE SIBLINGS!!!!
Epilogue: the parents coming out from the party hammered and pouring sweat is hysterical. And the kids still stuck in the cages. Amazing.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!