I know the term “self care” is thrown around with the fury of a thousand suns these days. Typically when you hear it, it’s in reference to some kind of luxury: a massage, getting a manicure, having a hair appointment.
My mom and dad live in Tulsa, but have a place here in Asheville where my mom spends a lot of time to hang out with her grandchildren while my dad is working back in Oklahoma. In the beginning of August, she left for the month (a longer stretch for her to be gone), and that meant Jordan and I were on our own here with no “built-in child-care.” It’s weird necessity breeds invention.
Her absence coupled with my desire to stay on top of my life (anyone who has kids knows that if you live somewhere you don’t have family, things can get on top of you quickly) and my recently having read this article caused me to have a moment of clarity:
I am in charge of my life.
Simple and cliche, yeah. But there are so many things I did throughout the day that were just rote: I did them because I’d always done them. I didn’t even really remember deciding to do them.
So a few weeks ago, I made a decision that was, for me, the epitome of self care: I decided to take a hard look at my daily routines and see what was serving me and what wasn’t. Again, it seems like such a simple idea, but it had truly never occurred to me to take inventory. I saw it written somewhere, “Imagine the life you want to live. What do you want to be wearing? What do you want to be doing with your time? Okay - so go do that.” Duh. smacks forehead
For me, it began with the mornings. Over the last few months, my morning routine was that Jordan would come in and drop coffee off (a saint) on his way to work at 6:30. I’d start stirring around and then, within minutes, there would be a child awake who needed me. I’d wake up, but really lounge around until 7 (the earliest I’ll get Rosie out of her room), then go in to feed her a bottle. After that, I’d send Mac into the den to watch a show while I jumped in the shower and shut Rosie in my room with me while I did my hair and makeup. I’d cook breakfast in a robe, kids in PJ’s, FaceTime my Dad over breakfast, and with 10 minutes left on the clock, be in a screaming hurry to get the kids dressed, Mac’s backpack loaded, and everybody in the car for school.
Once I looked at that one section of my day, it all started clicking. Why?? Why was I allowing myself to begin my day with that much chaos?
Two weeks ago, I set an alarm for 6:15. I didn’t immediately look at my phone or mindlessly open Instagram (a habit i’m ashamed to admit was pretty engrained). Instead, the night before, I chose an inspirational podcast to listen to (like this series Kristen Bell and Monica Padman are doing, or this episode Glennon Doyle and her wife Abby Wambach hosted). While I got in the shower, I got to stick an AirPod in and listen to the voices of powerful women pump me up. I did my makeup and hair, put on my robe, and got back into bed for 10 full minutes of coffee sipping before I was on deck as a parent. And before I sat back into my sheets, I sprayed a delicious-smelling linen spray I got at this fabulous home store in town.
From there, the morning went so. much. more. smoothly. I had already gotten myself up and ready, so all that was left was breakfast and kid dressing. Guess what? That’s real easy to do in an hour and fifteen minutes, as opposed to a tight thirty five.
What surprised me, though, was how changing my morning set off a chain reaction of other things I’ve always wanted to prioritize, but never had:
I’ve started picking up hard copy books more, setting aside 10 or 15 minutes here and there to chip away at something.
I’ve re-organized so much: both kids’ closets, my refrigerator (HEART EYES), cabinets galore.
I’ve started following the motto “Don’t put it down, put it away.” Right when Mac gets home from school, all his things get put in a place just for them. My laundry (gasp) goes where it’s supposed to right away.
I really prioritized my nightly skincare routine, which I often rush through/skip steps of.
I set a couple of important boundaries with work-related writing that are allowing me to write creatively and pour more of myself into things like this blog!
My takeaway from all this is that my life routines had become very reactive rather than proactive. The first minutes of my day were the perfect microcosm of how I’d chosen to go about the rest of the day: within the first ten minutes of opening my eyes, someone needed me. That wasn’t good for me.
In one of my morning shower podcast sessions, I heard Abby Wambach quote her wife Glennon: “The idea of selflessness is bullshit. A lack of self?? Who wants that?”
Of course, we all know the traditional definition of the word “selfless,” to put others before yourself, to be a servant. And that is a beautiful quality – but it’s a beautiful quality in moderation. Putting my own feet on the ground each morning before I’m needed? Making sure I’m taking care of myself first, and establishing that I’m a self first? That was, truly, a game-changer for me.
And by the way, many, many parts of my life are still a mess. My eating is garbage, I haven’t worked out in weeks. I don’t say that to be self-deprecating, I say it to acknowledge that self-improvement is progress.
But there are so many little ways that I realized that I could be kinder to myself than I was being. Why not get a linen spray? Why not light a wonderful candle before I shower? Why not remind myself in tiny ways that I’m a “self?” This has been a lesson in true self care. In addition to the bigger, more obvious things (like a hair appointment which absolutely counts), I’ve been caring for my SELF. Who I am, unto myself, before I’m anything to anyone else.
When my alarm went off, I remembered something one of my old roommates told me one time. When I worked for Teach For America in Memphis, I lived with two straight goofball guys (oh, the stories I could tell you). One night over a box of pizza (because #ofcourse), we were talking about the first thing we do when we open our eyes. I can’t remember what everyone said, but I remember Kyle’s response because it struck me as so damn sweet. He said, “I smile.” He was totally serious. I said, “Are you kidding? You smile?” He said, “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”
It was a tiny act of declaration, right at the beginning of the day. Alone in the dark, he made the choice to begin his day in a way that honored himself.
“Why wouldn’t I?”
It’s a pretty good question.