Week 5.

Let me start by posting the podcast from last week's episode. 

Now then. According to the caucus last night, we aren't going to be swearing President Trump into office, which I think by most accounts is a #win. Let's take that good energy and funnel it into BACHCAPPING. 

Ready? 

Good. Because from the preview, it looks like we're really gonna sink our teeth into this one. 

PART I: ONE ON ONE. 

  • This fuzzy screengrab is because I wanted to remind you these girls are flying first class internationally. So if you're not going on the show to find love, go on the show for the amenities.
  • Single Mom Amanda gets the first one-on-one date, which surprises Olivia as she digs herself further and further into a hole of evil remarks. 

She's a real delight. 

  • A point I need to make before we move forward: If you're a longtime Bachelor fan, you remember Emily Maynard, the shy, single mom whose fiancé died in a PLANE CRASH. She was stunning and mild-mannered, much like Amanda - but more importantly, she sounds just like Amanda. Do some YouTubing. I'm right about this. Anyway, let's proceed.  
  • Though Amanda is the only person who's going on this date, Ben feels the need to wake every girl up by shining a bright blue flashlight in their faces a la A Really Bad Cop Show. Let's take a tour through their reactions: 
  • On the off-chance that any straight guys read this blog, let me discourage you from this behavior. If ever you need to wake up your girlfriend in the middle of the night for a date, the best way to do it is to approach her bed with your face turned away, place a hot cup of coffee on her nightstand, and whisper at increasing decibel levels until she sweetly opens her eyes and wipes her drool-mouth. 
  • God bless Lauren H. and her retainer. Love. 
  • Also, Ben picked up someone's blonde weave. Love x 2. 
  • Olivia is charming, isn't she? I bet it gets worse. 
  • Ben and Amanda take a hot air balloon ride over Mexico City. One thing you should know about a hot air balloon ride is that you can't hear each other over the helium pump. So I bet that conversation was riveting. 

Precious. 

  • Amanda is impossibly sweet, down-to-earth, and practical, which makes her an easy frontrunner as far as quality on this show. She knows she comes with two sweet little girls, and takes that very seriously. 
  • Getting allusions to the fact that she might have been in an abusive marriage. I want to round up all my friends and go kick that guy's ass. She is a gem. 
  • Meanwhile, back at the house, the group date card comes with everyone's name on it but Lauren H.'s. That retainer worked, girl! 

Olivia is thrilled. 

  • Olivia is flexing her crazy muscles. She's really working it out. Do we think she's on this show for publicity? Yes. Do we think she actually cares about Ben? No. She's trying to make a career out of having been on this show. 
  • Ben and Amanda continue their marathon date into dinnertime, where they talk real life. 
  • Can we all agree to go and pummel this guy until his eyeballs pop out? I mean - if I'm being generous, I understand that people do the best they can, this guy just isn't evolved enough yet, blah blah blah - but the primal part of me wants to slather that guy in lighter fluid and put him over a fire pit. KILL THE BEAST! 
  • OBVIOUSLY, Amanda gets the rose. 

PART II - GROUP DATE. 

  • The women meet Ben in downtown Mexico City for some...sightseeing? 
  • Oh, nope. Spanish class. I actually love this - one of my goals this year is to learn Spanish, so I'd love to do this. 
  • Except for this part. Awkward watching him talk to all these people and tell them he loves them? 
  • Okay - wait a minute. I'm sorry. People are mad because Jubilee doesn't want to play along having just listened to Ben tell 7 other women that he loves them and wants to kiss them? And we think JUBILEE is being irrational?? How about this whole situation is royally WEIRD and Jubilee is the only one having a normal reaction. 

"Hi, I'm Jubilee and I have some sense." 

  • ...what this actually means is that these girls like American Mexican food with dollar margs and bottomless cheese dip. Don't lie, ladies. Don't tell a lie. 
  • A battle ensues for Ben between Jujubee and Olivia. Of course, Olivia comes out on top. She didn't get a one-on-one, but she sho' did make herself a one-on-one.  

He looks excited, right? 

  • Caila's hair game continues to be on point. 
  • Jennifer makes a crack about Emily's palate not having expanded past the kid's menu. 
  • Emily makes a crack about Olivia's breath being horrible. Lots of crackin' in this ep. 
  • Back at the house, Lauren H. and Amanda are having a civil, normal conversation about dating the same person. 
  • And in the kitchen, Ben is making really horrible cooking puns, God bless him. 
  • ... 
  • Jubilee starts to melt down a little bit because she's not seeing enough of Ben. Okay, I will concede here that you do have to play the game if you come on this show. You can't wilt on group dates! Poor Juj. I love her unconditionally.
  • The brother and sister chefs taste the dishes. Becca and her topknot are very appreciative of the compliments. 

Boom.

  • And Olivia weirdly microaggresses the Mexican culture?

UGGGH GO AWAY.

  • JUBILEE AND LAUREN B. WIN! I love it. 
  • At the cocktail party, Olivia literally cuts Ben off mid-sentence to take him away first. He hates her. It's pretty obvious at this point. 

Over it. 

  • Lauren B. rocks bridal white, shows off her slammin' bod, and walks through Mexico City with Ben. Oh sorry did I say walks? I meant "stands on a street corner and makes out." 
  • This is a classic Bachelor mistake. Ben wants to assure his front-runners that he's into them, but there's a pack of other women who are waiting, knowing he's smashing faces with Lauren B.. Chris Soules made this same mistake with Britt when he took her to a special concert while on a group date. 
  • ...I can't believe I'm psychoanalyzing this show. I hate myself. 
  • Things are getting pretty testy at the cocktail party. YIKES. 
  • Jubilee tells Ben she feels overshadowed, and Ben is very patient. ...to start out with. 
  • He then tells her that he feels their connection is dwindling because she's literally and figuratively pulling away. 
  • Okay, Ben. I have some opinions for you here. I understand that I'm only getting to see what the producers want me to see of this conversation, but you need to LIGHTEN UP. She didn't hold your hand because she's feeling weird in front of other people, given that they picked apart her comments last time. Cut her some slack, maybe. Stop making assumptions. She got shut down before she had the chance to feel comfortable enough to explain what she felt! 
  • ...again, I hate myself. 

SHE'S DOING THE BEST SHE CAN LEAVE HER ALONE. 

  • Okay, I did not see this coming. He's about to dump her, isn't he? 
  • I really can't believe this. I'm pretty mad at him right now. 
  • Are you serious?? Are. You. Serious. He knew exactly how that conversation was going to turn out the minute he sat down, as evidenced by the fact that he didn't give her any emotional space to express herself. 
  • UNBELIEVABLE. 

This is breaking my heart.

  • You know who else I'm mad at right now? The producers of this show. For making it look like Jubilee had some kind of epic meltdown in the teaser for this episode. She was perfectly calm throughout the whole thing, even when Ben SENT HER HOME. That is shady and not okay. And, if we really want to get real, plays into the "mad black woman" stereotype. So much for your shining, diversified cast of contestants, ABC. Well done. 
  • OOOOOO, I have a lot of opinions right now. I am MAD. 
  • Ben's really upset, you guys. He's SO UPSET and SO heartbroken. 

See? He's so upset. Obviously. 

  • But don't fret! He's definitely up for making out with JoJo 5 minutes later. It's cool! It's fine. Don't panic. 

Shave your FREAKING face, you ass hat. 

  • I'm pretty irritated. Can you tell? Okay, rose ceremony. And he gives the rose to...
  • ...I have no words. I need a break. I'm going to get a coffee. 

PART III - ONE ON ONE

  • I'm still not over it. My heart rate is up right now because I TRUSTED BEN HIGGINS. 
  • I'm tempted to just end the recap because I don't care about what happens to him this episode. But I won't, in case he does the impossible and wins me back. ...which he won't. 
  • He and Lauren H. go shopping. Shopping. On a date. Groundbreaking. 
  • They get to go to fashion week in Mexico City. Kewl. Sounds fun. 
  • Back at the house, the girls are plotting about whether or not to tell Ben that Olivia is heinous. What they don't know is that, ALWAYS, people who come to the Bachelor/Bachelorette and tell on another contestant for being awful are always sent home for "caring more about the drama than about the person they're dating." Their only hope is to use Amanda, who can do no wrong in Ben's eyes. 
  • Lauren H. and Ben prepare to walk in a fashion show. 

My new life motto. 

You deserve that God-awful shirt. Stop winking. You aren't cool. 

  • HE LITERALLY NEVER SHAVES PROPERLY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU SHAVE YOUR 5 O'CLOCK SHADOW. 
  • I'm over it. Lauren H. is obviously adorable and is going to get a rose. I'm not even recapping the rest of this date because I'm too pissed. I'm bored and this is generic AF. Let's get to the rose ceremony. 

PART IV: ROSE CEREMONY

  • Girls continue to conspire against Olivia. Duh. 
  • Ben's getting more and more comfortable being in the position of talking to/dating 10 women. He shouldn't be. NO ONE should be. He needs to eat a big ol' hunk of humble pie, because he's getting pretty full of himself. 
  • Ugh, but to be fair, how could you not when you're the Bachelor? Of COURSE you have an inflated sense of self. 
  • Whatever, Ben makes out with JoJo again. Grool. 
  • ...and Lauren B. ...

...we know. 

  • Then this happens, which is unprecedented and insane. What is the MATTER WITH YOU. 
  • And then she tries to cry her way out of it. 
  • And everyone is, OF COURSE, horrified.
  • So then Emily decides she'll be the one to fall on the sword, which usually doesn't turn out well, but might in this case because Amanda is going to back her up (according to the previews). 
  • Then Ben asks all the women about Olivia. This storyline is so deeply manufactured that it's painful to watch. We've seen Ben's total exasperation with Olivia for two weeks, and he's suddenly shocked that people have a problem with Olivia?? Right. No. 
  • Drunk Chris Harrison shows up, speaks Spanish, and announces that it's time for the rose ceremony, at which point Ben picks Olivia off for a private conversation.
  • I'M SORRY, WE DON'T GET TO SEE HOW THIS ENDS UP??? 

Dear ABC, 

I am so over you that I can't even see straight. I watched the teaser for next week. It looks dramatic. But you're manipulative and The Devil, so who even knows? 

I hate you, 
Mary Catherine and probably millions of other fans.