Refresh yourself from last week here:
Let's get to gettin', because according to last week's preview for this week, Ben must stab an entire box of cute furry creatures to death because there's SO MUCH CRYING.
I have lots of screen grabbing of lots of sobbing girls to do. Such is the life of a Bachelor blogger.
PART I: ROSE CEREMONY FROM LAST WEEK.
- We left last week on a note of uncertainty. Whether Ben is going to drop the axe over Olivia's head, or show mercy - we're about to see.
- Ben basically says, "What gives with you being an awful person?" And Olivia's all, "Every other girl here has a low IQ and I'm a genius and THAT'S why girls have such a hard time getting along with me. Because I know how to read."
- And so Ben decides to keep her. At least it appears that way. WHICH MEANS JORDAN WAS RIGHT, UGGGGHHHHHHHH so over it.
- Ben comes back to talk to the girls who are obviously disappointed in his choices. He says "BYE, cocktail party, I'm gonna go cut some peeps."
- My dad always told me guys find it super attractive when you say things like, "Everybody else can suck it." So I get it. I mean, who ISN'T charmed by her??
- (That is a joke. My dad never said that.)
- I feel like we're gonna be saying goodbye to Jennifer this week. LET'S WATCH.
- Poor Jenny. Bye girl.
PART II: ONE-ON-ONE.
- How many times do you think the producers have to do these shots where all the girls yell, "Hello, _______!" per season? Like, 8?
- But really though, I'm sitting in the mountains in Uggs and a big giant sweater with snow on the ground. Let's go to the Bahamas.
- Chris Harrison rolls in to drop a bomb as usual. Time for a 2x1. For some reason I have a hankering that it's going to be Emily and Leah on that date.
- Leah is the Cardly Waddell of this season.
- Ben gives Caila the date card, which is pretty ballsy considering that there are three girls (Leah, Olivia, and Emily) who haven't gotten a one-on-one with him yet. This will be Caila's second one-on-one. But I mean...this was said about her:
- ...what exactly are you questioning? You don't have a relationship.
- So Caila and Ben take off on a boat, and she couldn't be more adorable. THE BELT LITERALLY SWALLOWS HER. SHE IS TOO SMALL FOR THE BELT, ugh. I think I just developed a spontaneous eating disorder watching her.
- ...nope, false alarm. I just remembered pizza exists.
- I kind of want her to just win the show right now. Not just because I have her slated to win, but because anyone who can look and act this precious while in rough waters where all you really want to do is yack into the chum bucket is my girl and I am HERE FOR THEM.
- Although I will say, this date is kind of a snoozefest and we could kick up the drama easily by adding some actual chum.
- Meanwhile Leah is upset about...what, again?? I really don't get it. And I don't care about this storyline because inevitably the producers have locked Leah in a room and fed her only Long Island Ice Teas for a week and that's why she's behaving like an insane person.
- He's actually complaining about this. This is not a drill. He is complaining about her being TOO HAPPY.
- I'm just going to screengrab this ENTIRE COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS CONVERSATION THAT HE TRIES TO START.
- So he says, "Be vulnerable!" and she's all, "I don't know why you're trying to make me cry just to prove that I like you," and he's like, "No, no, I would never ask you to be vulnerable, I just want to know if you love me," and she's like, "Well, I do, but I'm not going to tell you."
- If you're still following the narrative arc of the most strangely cut convo in history, I salute you. On a serious note, though, I absolutely love that she wasn't playing his "spill your guts to me after 5 weeks" game. She TOTALLY held the cards and made him work for it.
- Back at the house, the group date card arrives.
- THE TWO ON ONE IS WITH EMILY AND OLIVIA?! STOP. STOP. ABC, you have outdone yourself.
- Obviously Olivia is going to come out with the rose, if anyone. Emily has the moral high ground, but she's going up against a heavyweight.
- Meanwhile, in the space time continuum of this conversation, Caila says, "Listen, I'm falling in love, okay? Just gimme the damn rose." And he does.
PART III: GROUP DATE.
- Leah is melting down. She's def going to make a mistake this episode out of pure exhaustion and drunkenness. #longislandiceteas
- Ben takes his Bevy of Blonde Beauties out on the boat, where the dress code was obviously jean shorts and bikini tops.
- We move on to one of the most hysterical things I've ever seen, which is a hoard of wild sea pigs chasing a bunch of skinny girls with hot dogs. Y'all. I can't.
- I'd like to turn off the TV now, because this is unbeatable. Best group date of all time. Hell, best DATE of all time. Somebody tell my husband I want to go scream with the pigs.
- Then things get awkward because 6 women are trying to date 1 guy.
- Drunk Leah starts to self-destruct.
- At the cocktail party afterwards, Ben pulls his BFF Becca aside and they talk like pals about why all the girls were being weird. But part of being in a relash is being a BFF, so that probably put a few ticks in Becca's column.
- That's ticks, not ticks. I hope Becca doesn't have any ticks.
- Blah blah blah one on one time with all the women reassuring them that they're the one and making out with all of them like the Tongue Burglar he is.
- At the house, sweet little Caila REVELS in telling these chicks that one of them is toast.
- Back on Weirdo Island, Ben finally gives Drunk Leah some personal attention.
- Okay, I'm bored, so we're going to play Spot How ABC is Manipulating Us. Ready? Pay really close attention. I'm going to walk you through my theory.
- A producer pulled Drunk Leah aside, handed her a Long Island Iced Tea, and said, "Listen, Leah - aren't you mad that Ben hasn't spent any real time with you? You have been so overlooked. You deserve some special time with him. And the way to get it is by mentioning how Lauren B. is really inauthentic."
- This is called manipulation by the production. I bet Drunk Leah didn't actually feel this much animosity toward Lauren B., but she's weak enough and desperate enough that the producers were able to trick her into "creating a storyline" for herself by slingin' mud at Lauren "The Bee" B.
- I do, I do! It's because the producers told her to!
- And Leah is now the villain. And Lauren B. is now a total mess.
- Sorry to pull back the curtain for a minute, but I think it's important that we think about how these women are pitted against each o-- OH SNAP SHE'S GOING BACK AFTER HIM?!
- She's going to his HOUSE?!
- If I were writing my Bad Grammar on The Bachelor blog, I'd say, "It's not 'less,' it's 'fewer,' because you're talking about a finite number of things." But like, what kind of nerd notices THAT boring stuff??
- Once again, Leah is the Carly of this season. Carly told Chris that Britt was inauthentic, just like Leah is telling Ben that Lauren B. isn't serious.
- And then Ben proves why he's one of the best guys to have ever been on this show. He sees through the producer's BS and says, "Not in my backyard."
- HOLLA BACK PRODUCTION PUPPET, talk to you never. Call Carly Waddell, you guys will have tons to chat about.
- Is this the longest episode ever?? UGH let's get this 2x1 over with.
PART IV: TWO-ON-ONE.
- Let me start this section by mentioning that Olivia and Emily have an age difference of...one year. Olivia is 23 and Emily is 22.
- Also, Olivia is 23?? She seems like a 45 year old witch doctor.
- So Olivia and Emily go out on the appropriately stormy Bahama seas.
- Ben steals Olivia and her "cankles" for the first convo.
- Meanwhile Emily looks like a dime while waiting on the beach. Did she lighten her hair?? I don't know...something looks different, though.
- Olivia casually drops that she's in love with Ben after 5 weeks of knowing him and probably less than 24 hours cumulatively spent together. And Ben says, "Yeah." Which is every girl's dream response.
- Oh, sorry, he CHUCKLES and then says, "Yeah." That's worse.
- WOW. Oh, man. You guys, I mean, he reacted so poorly when she told him she loved him, but I also never thought he'd axe her. How 'bout that?! Go on, BEN! Redeeming yourself!! (But you just ruined my bracket so poof you.)
- Although taking the rose with him to bounce her was a little cold-blooded. But, whatever.
- Emily gets the rose, which means she's sticking around, and Olivia is left alone on an island full of...geysers?
- Sorry, girl. I get it. You played your game, but it had a shelf life. Villains gotta vil' and geysers gotta geys'. That's what you get for being the worst. Geyser Island by your damn self.
- This episode has been SO. DRA. MATIC. And not even good, just...dramatic. Let's remember happier times.
PART V: ROSE CEREMONY.
- Is he even going to cut anyone this week?? He cut Leah and Olivia already. I bet he doesn't send anyone home - he digs all these girls.
- NAILED IT. Drunk Chris Harrison (probably a facilitator of Drunk Leah) rolls in and drops the bomb that the cocktail party is for chumps and IT'S OVER.
- Okay so wait...let me gather my thoughts. Caila, Amanda, and Emily have roses, so there are three roses to be distributed among...4 women? Becca, JoJo, Lauren H., and Lauren B. Hmm. And he's gonna do it? Okay. Curveball.
- So I guess it'll come down to the Laurens - Lauren B. and her tiny mouth vs. Lauren H. and her giant one. So he'll pick The Bee.
- This one hit me hard - I really like her. Jordan will not love that she's gone - she was an early favorite of his because she's nice and funny. Disappointed Emily's still around and she's gone.
- So at this point on the show, we have QUALITY girls. Jordan says, and I agree, that Emily is a "burner," meaning Ben could (and will) get rid of her and not sweat it.
- BUT. Then we're down to Amanda, Lauren B., Caila, Becca, and JoJo. All of whom I can see him ending up with, and all of whom tell him they love him in the preview for the rest of the season. We also get to hear Ben say, "I love you" prior to the finale, which is fairly unprecedented.
Buckle in, people. It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride to paradise.
See you next week.