For no other reason than to add some precious-ness to your day. Happy Wednesday! Love each other!
Fetch or Wretch? Golden Globes 2017.
PLUNGING NECKLINES!
...sorry, reflex. In case you missed it, there were about 50 of them last night.
Let's get right to it, shall we?
Fetch.
Evan Rachel Wood.
I will always be wild about a well-fitted suit or jumpsuit on a woman. She is slaying this and I want to borrow it. Mmkay, ERW? But leave that freaky robot personality at home. Thanks.
Lily Collins
This isn't something I would choose, but she is wearing the hell out of it. I'm realizing that this "lots of lace, frippery, maybe-looks-like-someone's-drapes" trend is really kind of everywhere this year, so I'm embracing it. With bad head styling, this could've been dated and terrible. But it wasn't.
Annette Bening
I mean she just looks damn good. 57 years old and, radiant, statuesque. Get it, girl.
Emma Stone
Again, not something I would've chosen, but it works perfectly on an actress who's selling a movie-musical about a whimsical fantasy world. Emma Stone is just off-beat enough to pull this off. Though I'm not wild about the color.
Janelle Monae
Okay, okay, I know, hot take. I just think this is SO FABULOUS and super fun. It's kooky, yes, but it's also perfectly styled and perfectly her. Even her toenails are black and white! Get outta here! I love it. It's okay to hate it. But I love it.
Viola Davis
LOTS of canary yellow on the red carpet last night, but this was my favorite. This is the epitome of "BAM." Everything about Viola Davis makes me want to sit at her feet and learn her ways, but this look is particularly powerful. You can't miss her, and thank God.
Reese Witherspoon
Certainly not as striking as Viola, but this is a case study in doing it right. Every single detail - hair, makeup, jewelry, the fit of the dress - is perfectly tuned. Werk that old Hollywood glam, Reese!
Natalie Portman
The last of the bright yellows, Natalie serves up some serious Jackie Kennedy realness. And who doesn't need that? Also, SHE'S PREGNANT. So, yeah. She wins.
Naomie Harris
Just plan gorgeousness. Doesn't get any better. Not in love with the plunging neckline proportionally, but everything else is pretty freakin' on point.
Honorable Mention Fetch:
Mandy Moore
It's pretty fabulous, don't get me wrong. That neckline is just a SKOSH too wide and too deep for me. I don't know what it is, but it's making my eyes bleed. Everything else is so lovely - 70's vibes with the hair, the dress, the makeup...could also be that I have a pre-existing prejudice against Mandy because in the early aughts she BUGGED SO MUCH.
Sarah Paulson
Dressing like the award she eventually won. It's not my favorite dress I've seen her in, but I love this lady too much to leave her out. Get it, Sarah Paulson, you fabulous creature. You earned it.
...but enough with the pretty. Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here today to discuss the
Wretch.
Anna Kendrick
Oh, Anna Kendrick, how I wish you had not worn this. This dress, along with some unfortunate posing, gives the illusion that Anna is a mannequin who was assembled incorrectly. Her legs are facing square to the camera, her torso is turned to the side, and her head is facing back at us. Third graders across the country should study this photo as one of those Magic Eye images. This was so close to being good, but just...wasn't.
Nicole Kidman
Shhhh. Nobody scare her. Everyone stand still. Nicole? (I'll handle it, she spooks easily.) Nicole, honey? Hey, it's okay, girl! It's okay. Shhhhh. I've got ya. I'm just gonna walk you over here into this limo and send you home, and when you wake up, this will all seem like a bad dream.
Really, though, WHAT is happening. Free association with this dress: glitter baby shredder saloon STOP IT WITH THE NAKED DRESSES.
Priyanka Chopra
8 pounds of makeup, a dress that is going to cause millions of "Is Priyanka Chopra pregnant" searches, and squished boobs. Girl, ya done missed the mark.
SJP
I can't talk about this for reasons of loyalty, but for the sake of impartiality I had to include it. Anyway, next.
Sophie Turner
Sad boobs. Right? Wasn't that your first thought? Asymmetry + droopy lines = sad. I cannot wait for this sheer dress trend to die. Why won't it die?? It's like the Hydra in Hercules - we manage to wrangle one sheer dress and three more pop up in its place.
Sofia Vergara
Anna Chlumsky
I have a running theory that Anna Chlumsky has offended every gay man in Hollywood somehow, because I have yet to see her show up to an awards show looking her best. Everything about this, from the slick ponytail down to the chunky black peep-toes, is so terribly unfortunate. But I was always taught to say something nice instead of something mean, so...the color goes really well with the plants in the background?
Blake Lively
I see where she was trying to go, but this is such an aging look. She looks like Elizabeth Taylor: The Later Years. You can do better than that, Blake.
Carly Steel
I have absolutely no idea who this is, but WOW WOW WOW. Wow. I liked free association last time, so let's try it again:
Bump-it, snake-neck, babyheads, mother of the bride.
Fun!
Felicity Jones
Just so I'm clear, are those ruffles at the top and on the sleeves sewn on/not real? I think so. And the ones at the bottom that look like sad little black palm trees. TOO MUCH. When did Toddlers and Tiaras become a design motif? BOWS! FRILLS! LACE! SMILE AT THE CAMERA HONEY! NOD YOUR HEAD! NOW DO A POUTY FACE AND WAG YOUR FINGER AT THE JUDGES!
Chrissy Metz
Let me be clear RIGHT upfront that this has nothing to do with Chrissy and everything to do with Christian Siriano, who designed this look. Listen, I gotta give it up for my boy Christian Siriano, who I LOVE: he has taken on the clients that other designers are too snooty for. When Leslie Jones complained that no high-level designer had offered her any gowns for the Ghostbusters premiere, Christian Siriano stepped up and designed for her. He loves "non-traditional" body types. But this is a design failure. Instead of highlighting Chrissy's assets, Christian made her look like a frumpy purple rectangle. Disappointing.
UPDATE: It seems that, though this was billed as a Christian Siriano, it wasn't. Apparently he'd designed two custom gowns for her, and she chose to wear another designer's dress at the last minute. Whew. That's a relief. Sorry, Christian! Your track record is still sparkling.
...and now for the very WORST. Worst worst worst. Worst. Can't even believe it happened.
THE WRETCHEST OF THEM ALL...
CUBA GOODING, JR.!
What what WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Is that your son's suit?
Did you have a romp with someone and accidentally switched jackets with her in the backseat of the limo?
Did you spill wine on your coat and had to trade with your doorman who is also a little person?
Are you trying to raise awareness for some group of people whose clothes don't fit?
Truly awful.
But let's leave on a happy note, shall we?
...close enough.
DNR - JTI: Retail Edition.
As usual, credit for "DNR - JTI" ("Do not respond, just take it") goes to the fabulous Mollie Erickson whose idea I totally plagiarized.
When Jordan and I moved to Asheville in the summer of 2015, I had no jobs and no friends. I decided to take a part-time gig at a national retail chain (whose name I can't share for legal reasons -- theirs, not mine). I'd never worked retail, and I'd always kind of wanted to.
I've been working there almost a year and a half. I've learned some things. And I've seen some things. And today, I'm gonna share.
Dear Shrill Woman Bossing Your Husband Around,
Hi. Over here! Right. I've been fifteen feet away from you for the past few minutes and have heard every single marching order you've yelled at this poor man. I think the whole store has overheard, actually. We really don't need to know that you think your husband lacks a butt to hold his pants up because he's "so weirdly shaped, like a potato with toothpicks." Also, please stop digging into the back o his pants to see what size they are. You literally have both your hands in the man's pants. We're all RIGHT HERE. DNR - JTI.
Dear Middle Aged White Women,
You've done a really good job creating witch hunts about people of other races and ages being thieves, but now I know better. YOU are the thieves. I see you casually perusing the sale section, eyes darting around, before you stuff that bangle into your purse. I SEE YOU. I know what you're doing when you take too long in the fitting room. We see the tags you've cut out all over the floor. You assume no one would ever suspect you. Middle aged White women, you've pulled the wool over the world's eyes. But NOT ME. Prepare to be profiled. DNR - JTI.
Dear Woman in the Fitting Room,
Are you doing okay in there? Anything else I can get you? OH. OH. Oh my goodness. You've opened the door and you're pants-less. And you're 90. You're now in the middle of the store yelling and asking why no one came to check on your sooner. You're having an Elaine Stritch moment and you're burning my retinas. Back into the fitting room with you. Shhhh. DNR - JTI.
Dear Adult Man Who is Sweating Profusely and Shifting his Weight from Side to Side,
Yeah, we have a bathroom. Yikes, dude. Come on. DNR - JTI.
Dear Teenager Messing Up a Perfect Pile of Sweaters,
I know you just saw me fold those. I know you did. I watched you watch me. And now you've not only knocked the stack over, you're going through each individual sweater, holding it up, and checking it for size. Cut the crap. You're not buying a sweater. You're 14 and you're carrying a skateboard. GET OUTTA HERE, KID. DNR - JTI.
Dear Disgruntled Customer,
When you asked me to get different sizes of shoes for you to try on, it was my pleasure. Truly. It's my job. When, however, after five tries, you decided that you "just aren't going to pay that much for flats," it got a bit irritating. On a similar note, I neither designed nor priced these shoes, so your disapproving glances are wasted on me. Hope you find what you're looking for, Cinderella. DNR - JTI.
Dear Window Shoppers,
UGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGGGGGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH. DNR - JTI.
Dear Well-Intentioned Man,
It is so supremely thoughtful that you are going to buy your wife a gift with the leftover money from the return you just made. We've got some beautiful jewelry and some nice silk tops. But the spaghetti strap XXS black crushed velvet peplum top that you've chosen, while certainly fashionable, is going to miss the mark with your 45-year old wife who just had a baby and you told me is 5'11. I'm trying to help, here. Nope? Gonna buy it anyway? Mmk. DNR - JTI.
Dear That Man's Wife,
Got a return for us? Yeah. I know. I tried to tell him. Let me show you the jewelry. DNR - JTI.
5 Shows I Started, 4 I Dropped
Jordan and I made the decision when we got married to opt out of having cable. We have Netflix, Hulu, and HBO, and we feel like we have access to everything we need to watch. Here in the age of instant streaming, it's easy for me to sit down in front of the computer and mindlessly watch something for hours. But I'm resolved not to do that this year, and I've been slowly paring down my television choices so that they're more intentional.
Don't worry - I'm still watching The Bachelor. God help us.
So, beginning with the shows I stopped watching:
Narcos
Available on Netflix.
I don't have a grand explanation for this choice besides that season two of Narcos just didn't grab me in the same way that the first season did. S1 of this Netflix original was so compelling and watchable, albeit violent and sometimes a little upsetting. The acting was fantastic and, as someone who is only peripherally familiar with the story of Pablo Escobar, it was compelling and kept me on the edge of my seat. But S2E1 just didn't deliver. We watched an episode when the new season dropped and then genuinely forgot about it. Maybe we'll return sometime in 2017, but I doubt it.
Bloodline
Available on Netflix.
This was another great, promising Netflix original whose second season just missed the mark. Bloodline, though, was different - I actively disliked this second season, rather than being just ambivalent about it, as with Narcos. SPOILERS AHEAD - At the end of S1, Danny Rayburn, arguably the most interesting character, is murdered by his siblings. S2 was so overwrought and dark as the remaining Rayburn children try to cover their crime - it was all drama furrowed brows and no substance. Pass.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
I don't even know what channel this comes on.
Well, I finally did it. As a latecomer to KUWTK (I started watching 2 years ago), this was easy to give up. I made a decision last year that I wasn't going to support anything to do with the Kardashian/West clan, including clicking on random Buzzfeed articles written about them or reading their tweets. I unfollowed them on Instagram, and this was the last piece of the puzzle. Because I can only vote with my choices, right? Either way, as the drama has gotten even more ridiculous than usual, I have never been happier to NOT be Keeping Up.
unREAL
Available on Lifetime.
This was the most disappointing for me. unREAL was a brilliantly conceived show, designed as a mock-The Bachelor and created by a former assistant director of ABC's juggernaut reality series. While the first season was twisted, edgy, and definitely pushed the boundaries, the second season did all that and more, except with the first Black "suitor" (AKA bachelor) at the helm. SPOILERS AHEAD: the season ended with a police shootout between the Black contestant and his manager, who is also Black. unREAL may be a dark satire, but this was all too real and made viewers across the nation say, "Too soon." I appreciate what they were trying to do in the way of relevant and timely social commentary, but they had plenty of juicy subject matter (feminism, how women are treated in positions of power, what The Bachelor says about its viewers, what people are willing to do for fame) without dipping their toes into this particular pool. I'm not arguing those issues shouldn't be brought to light; I am arguing that dropping them in as a sensationalist plot point on a show about reality television is in poor taste. So sad to bid adieu to this show whose first season I was wild about.
Moving on to shows I've picked up this year:
Black Mirror
Available on Netflix.
Black Mirror and I have a complicated relationship. Unlike many Netflix shows, it's not binge-able. I watch one episode every two weeks or so. After turning the S1E1 off mid-episode because I was so horrified, I was reticent to give it another shot; I'm so glad I did. Since then, I've only watched two episodes - S3E1 starring Bryce Dallas Howard and S3E4, titled San Junipero. This cutting edge imagination of a not-too-distant future will pull you in, make you think, and challenge the way you see the world. Because it's a mini-series, you can watch each episode without having seen any before or after. It really is a beautifully shot, well-acted, INCREDIBLY written show. Give it a shot.
Fargo
Available on Hulu.
And I've only seen one season. Jordan and I watched Billy Bob Thornton's season of this show on Hulu and were basically riveted to the television. An adaptation of the Coen brothers' movie of the same name, this show is show in film quality and you'll forget you're watching TV. I don't want to say too much in the way of describing it to save the fabulous plot for you, but trust me - this one's a must.
Westworld
Available on HBO.
Okay okay, so I haven't technically started this one yet. But all my smartest friends are in love with it, and Jordan and I plan to start next week. So it kind of counts, right?
Divorce
Available on HBO.
If you know anything about me, you know that SJP is my icon in all things. This new HBO show starring SJP and Thomas Hayden Church (who I remember best from George of the Jungle as Lyle - where are my 90's kids at?) explores the story of a couple navigating a divorce in all its stages; politeness, acceptance, revelation, honesty, catharsis, rage, ambivalence. I'm not totally sold on it, but I'm going to keep watching it because #SJP. I'll at least give it another season.
This Is Us
Available on Hulu.
DAMN YOU, THIS IS US. I had a friend text me a few months back and insist that I start watching this show. I told her that I was giving up crappy TV for the most part, and she told me that was an unacceptable answer and I had to at least give it one episode. So did, and now I'm 100% in. This Is Us feels like one of those shows that is too good to be true and will lose its magic after the first season, but I'm going to be there to see it because I am TOTALLY HOOKED. I don't want to say too much, but watch the first episode all the way through and if you're not intrigued, I'll pay you $10. Plus we get to watch hottie HOT Milo Ventimiglia (Jess from Gilmore Girls) and the brilliant Sterling K. Brown (who wowed me in American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson).
---
SO.What about you? What TV have you bailed on, what are you still watching, and what are you looking to start?
Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs Ever.
Today on HuffPo, check out my definitive list of the all-time WORST Christmas songs on the radio.
The Good, the Bad, the Last Four Words.
A note: This piece explicitly lists several major plot points. If ya don't wanna know, run away.
As I watched the most recent Netflix juggernaut, Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life, I found myself in a familiar pickle. When it's in season, I blog about The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. While watching, I have to constantly decide which route to take. Should I:
1. Watch with a critical eye, placing this show in the real world and analyzing people's behaviors through a practical lens? Or
2. Sit back, turn off my brain, and let the ridiculousness wash over me?
Spoiler: it is hard for me to turn my brain off. Not because I'm a smarty, but because I am an analytical hamster wheel. I can't "just" anything. I am a judger. It's what helps me be a good observational writer, but it also means that it's tough to enjoy things that are meant to be just enjoyed.
So let me say upfront: If you fall into Category #2, you will not like this piece, which picks apart lots of details in a show you probably found delightful. Also, I am jealous of you.
I am a Category #1 person. And that made the Gilmore Girls revival problematic for me. I tried to make it work, but ultimately, I couldn't shake this feeling:
It wasn't great.
I think the easiest way to run it down will be to actually run it down. I took four pages of notes in a Moleskin while watching. (I told you, I'm a nightmare).
1. Too much foam, not enough beer.
When I heard that we were going to get four 90-minute episodes to sink our collective teeth into, I was very excited. I bet you were, too. Now, having watched them all, I wish we'd been given one 2-hour episode chock full of plot.
The upside of creating four separate episodes was that we got to check in with all of our favorite characters. The downside is that, in-between all those meet-cutes, they had to fill time. And boy, did they.
Gilmore Girls was a show with a lot of zany, unrealistic pieces, but also a show with a lot of substance. It told the real stories of women (albeit mostly white women), their relationships with each other, themselves; it tackled hard subjects like sex, dating, finding your purpose, disappointing your family. Gilmore Girls was like an M&M: the ratio of candy coating to substance was 4:1. The re-boot, though, was like a disappointing jelly-filled doughnut: all sticky pastry and a barely-there filling. When they delivered, they delivered (see: Emily Gilmore's entire storyline). But they didn't deliver often enough.
This problem really needs subcategories, so here we go.
(Have you stopped reading yet? I get it.)
A. Minor characters.
Part of the charm of Stars Hollow is that it's filled with whimsical, eccentric townspeople, while Rory and Lorelai serve as the audience's points of access into that world. As a viewer of the series, I loved getting glimpses into these characters' lives - what was going on with Morey and Babette? What crazy hijinks had Kirk gotten himself into? Who was Mrs. Kim terrorizing now?
The reason that worked is because those glimpses were anecdotal. There weren't entire storylines built around them. The fact that Michel, previously a total caricature of a human whose main goals were to count calories and be a general pain in the ass, was developed into a main character in this re-boot, is silly. Though he and Lorelai had the occasional tender moment, he was not her best friend. To characterize him as her "Paris" was re-writing history and badly making up for the fact that Lorelai's real best friend, Sookie, was conspicuously missing from the story.
When it went well, it went very well: Kirk, Paris, and Taylor all "kept" beautifully over the years. These three, particularly Paris, who was flawlessly played by Liza Weil, were just as charming and intense as I remember. But the reason they worked is because these characters felt familiar to us; they were already caricatures of themselves in the series, and when we met up with them again, they were still those people. The reverse (trying to make Michel, a cartoon, into a suddenly sympathetic character with a backstory, husband, job opportunity, and child on the way), was a failure.
B. Plots to nowhere
Several times, we were taken on a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride of irrelevant sub-plots that didn't seem to serve the story in any real way, other than to fill time.
What is the motivation for people to stand in line?? (Apparently to cram in a lot of cameos and provide the audience with a possible second paternity option for Rory's child!)
Will Lorelai and Rory deliver the Star Hollow Gazette in time?! (Breaking: It didn't matter, and they never cared about it again!)
Will Luke agree to a surrogate? (Who cares? We just needed a way to get Paris into the script!)
When will Luke's diner get franchised? (Never, and that conversation only served as yet another thing Luke and Lorelai weren't sharing with each other!)
Is Lorelai going to make it to the Wild trail? (No, and they beat this extended metaphor 'til it was dead as a doornail!)
And WHERE THE HELL IS RORY'S UNDERWEAR?! (She actually goes months without it! Not a joke!)
Of course, the most egregious and painful: The Stars Hollow FREAKIN' Musical. Y'all. 18 minutes (including the debrief after the show) of pure, unnecessary foolishness. Though the performers were great (Sutton Foster and Christian Borle of Broadway fame), what…and I mean this sincerely…was that? And the additional song at the end of "Summer," where the female singer literally reaches toward Lorelai while singing, "I'm breaking right now?” Come on, Amy Sherman-Palladino. You're better than this. That was precious time to viewers, and it was squandered.
Rory.
I've read several think pieces about with some pithy title like, "Rory Gilmore Has Always Been Awful," citing the same handful of talking points about some of Rory's not-so-savory moments on the series (the fight with Lorelai, living with Emily and Richard, sex with married Dean, ignorance to her own massive privilege), and claiming that we should've seen her character's demise coming.
But if we're going to play that game, then let's play it.
Lorelai got engaged to her daughter's high school teacher, then broke the news that the engagement was off by bursting into her daughter's room in the middle of the night and announcing that the two of them were going on a road trip. She got engaged to Luke. Broke that off. Married Rory's father on a whim. Divorce. Treated her mother and best friend horribly.
The point I'm trying to make is that every character we encounter (both fictional and real) has had their fair share of poor choices and triumphant moments. To argue that Rory's behavior in this re-boot solidifies her status as a snooty, selfish, wreck is to overlook both her virtues and similar unpleasant qualities of the other principles. Each of these characters (particularly Emily, Lorelai, Richard, and Rory) has lots of wonderful AND lots of awful traits. That's what makes them interesting, dynamic.
But the Rory we know would never string a perfectly nice, albeit boring and apparently very forgiving, guy along for an entire year while secretly sleeping with her engaged ex-boyfriend. Not that she hasn't been the subject of an extra-marital affair before – she has. But that affair with Dean was clearly a low point. 32-year-old Rory carelessly cheating with someone who is also cheating just doesn't ring true.
Our Rory was independent, ambitious, driven, kind, thoughtful, introspective, and sharp as a damn tack. The Rory we got here was aimless, casual, scattered, unreliable, and sometimes downright selfish.
The silver lining here was that we did get a glimpse of the "old" Rory in the second half of "Fall," as she broke it off for good with Logan and passionately wrote the first three chapters of her new book. The bad news is that we had to wait for five hours to see her again.
Of course, there were winning moments. There were moments that GG fans everywhere gobbled up with total satisfaction and veracity.
Among them:
The fact that the characters can finally swear. Emily Gilmore saying "bullshit" and "tits" was such a highlight.
Petal the pig.
Finally being casually introduced to "Mr. Kim," Lane's perpetually absent father.
Callbacks to fan favorites like the basket auction.
Michel is finally gay! And Taylor, surprisingly, isn't.
Luke feeding Paul Anka the steak and blowing on it in Lorelai's absence.
April's marijuana confession.
However irresponsible and unrealistic, the Life and Death Brigade sequence.
Parenthood cameos galore.
Logan.
Logan shirtless.
Dean.
Jess.
Rory and Lorelai's standing Jeep ride to her secret nuptials.
The song Luke and Lorelai get married to is being the same song that was playing while they shared their first dance:
My favorite season was "Fall." We got so much in "Fall" that we'd been pining for: Christopher. Dean. Sookie. Colin and Finn. Lorelai's dreamy, town-square wedding (though it did bother me that Emily and Sookie weren't present). Lorelai's reconciliatory (and tear-jerking) phone call with Emily, telling the Richard story she should've told the night of his wake. Rory and Logan's tender goodbye, perfectly acted by Matt Czuchry.
And Emily. Good God. Emily Gilmore's storyline was easily the most winning, realistic, and triumphant. ASP did a hell of a job writing for the unparalleled Kelly Bishop, who, somehow having not aged a day since the Season 7 finale, delivered a powerhouse performance and got her character the ending she deserved.
As did Lorelai. How many sighs of relief were breathed throughout the world as Lorelai and Luke FINALLY, FINALLY ended up together?
In the end, that's what makes Rory's storyline so unsatisfying. Everyone got their ending -- except Rory. Instead, she was handed a meandering, listless arc punctuated by a surprise pregnancy and a mystery father. To think that ASP had this "last four words" ending in mind for the original, 22-year-old Rory is even more disturbing. Sure, I get it: Logan is supposed to be Rory's Christopher; Jess, her Luke. But those stories aren't consistent with any of the people involved. Logan loved Rory deeply and was rejected by her. Jess loved Rory deeply and has an actually life outside of Stars Hollow. And Rory is an Ivy League graduate in her early thirties who...accidentally gets pregnant? Sure, it happens all the time. But not to Rory.
At its heart, this re-boot isn't all bad. The key, though, is to switch gears when watching it. I was watching it like I used to watch the series - ready to encounter the kookiness, but, ultimately, expecting the majority of each season to be meaningful and compelling. It took me a while to figure out why I had such a hard time enjoying it, but that's the reason: I wanted substance, and I got froth.
Don't expect it to be the series. Expect cotton candy instead. And then, when you're surprised by a little nugget of solid gold storyline, you can be pleased instead of starving for it.
That way, maybe you can really enjoy this last visit with our Gilmore Girls.