Creating a Killer Gallery Wall

Wowowowowowowow I mean...it’s been basically a lifetime since I updated this blog. SO sorry! Not that anyone’s waiting on pins and needles, but...in case you are - sorry ‘bout that. Turns out, moving is a crazy experience and getting settled in a house with a child who decided to learn how to walk at 11 months old is QUITE a lot to juggle! 

Having said that, though, we are getting settled - slowly but surely. So much of the house came together in a snap (thanks to my incredible mother and her vision for fabulousness/completely unparalleled work ethic), but there are other pieces of the puzzle that were going to take time and effort to complete. 

We worked hard on developing an aesthetic. Any of you who own a home know the pride that comes with decorating and styling your very first space. We painted, renovated, and got the “canvas” ready, so it was time to put some paint on that bad boy.  

The house was built in 1959, so a mid-century modern vibe really fits the design of the structure itself. I wanted to keep things clean, polished, and tailored, but it was important to me to add lots of big, bold colors in each room. In our dining room, it’s the rug and our green velvet chairs. In our bar, it’s a giant painting of a big, red, cartoon apple. In the big den on the back of the house, we started with neutral colors (a grey sectional, creamy carpet, white walls), so I knew I had a real opportunity to go kind of nuts.

Enter: my favorite corner of our house. I’m calling it my Crazy Corner.  

We’ve accumulated so many things over the years that are framed, and in our old house, we had several gallery walls. In this space, we had the perfect corner to incorporate ALL our framed art, and I absolutely love love LOVE how it turned out. While we used the Internet to help with a lot of other design choices, I think this particular corner fills me with pride because it is 100% my idea and execution.  

I shared it on Instagram and got lots of messages asking how I chose what went where, whether I laid things out on the floor first, etc. I thought I’d offer a few tips and tricks so that you can make your own in a snap!  

- Consult Pinterest. There is a huge wealth of design help there and you can find any number of templates that lay out exactly what you should do before beginning to hang things. If you’re a person who likes to lay things out first, start by measuring your space, then lay your photos out on the floor. You’ll be surprised what comfort it brings you!

- Command Strips are your friend. I couldn’t have done this without 3M Command Strips. When hanging a gallery wall, stepping back and getting perspective is a huge piece of the puzzle. When you’re up close, things look one way, but when you sit with things for a while, you realize that that one photo might need to scoot over juuuuust a tad. If you’ve nailed a hole in your wall, it gets disastrous quickly (speaking from experience here). But if you’re using a Command Strip, it’s so easy to remove it and replace it in the correct location. Game-changer. 

- Take it slow. I designed this wall over the course of about a week. It was really helpful for me to take stock each night while sitting on the couch watching TV of what looked good and what needed some adjusting.  

- Combine 3D elements with flat photos or framed art. One of the really fun things you can play with when putting together a gallery wall is pieces in your house you would otherwise have no place for. A giant homemade wreath made out of Harry Potter book pages? Um...the only place for that is in the good ol’ Crazy Corner. I was able to make good use of out antlers, too!   

A few of these need straightening!

- Keep it interesting with size. Try not to hang two photos or paintings that are the same size right next to each other. I broke this rule a couple of times and I wish that I hadn’t - it looks so much better when there’s variety!  

- Decide on a color scheme, or decide against one. I’ve made several gallery walls in the past that primarily featured one color or set of colors. My favorite was a neutral/blue combination I did in our old house. In this one, though, I went into it from the beginning with the intention to make it an “anything goes” sort of design. But that did mean that I had to be careful about not clumping too many browns/blacks/neutrals together without adding some color in, too. But knowing where you’re headed is essential to success, because getting halfway through and realizing you’ve used all your neutrals in one corner is a bummer. 

- Watch your weight. When you’re hanging things, keep it balanced. You’ll notice in the wider shots of this space that I made sure any dark frames were spaced out and filled in with lighter frames or art to keep it from looking too heavy on one side.  

- Mix it up by including paintings, drawings, words, and photos. One of my favorite things about this experience was that I got to hang all kinds of things that have meaning to our family. The “Be Nice Or Leave” print came from a juke joint in York, Alabama where I taught in Teach for America. The painting of Tom Hanks came form a dear childhood friend. Jordan’s dental school diploma is framed on the wall under the my college copy of “A Farewell To Arms,” which has my handwritten note in the margin that Hemingway re-wrote the ending to that book 33 times (a reminder to keep trying and trying!). The fork and knife painting was done by Jordan’s sister; the peony was done by my mom; the black sports car is a print from our wedding photographer. Each piece has a story attached and is up there for a reason, and every time I look at it, it feels like an artistic representation of our family. 

Lastly, don’t take it too seriously! If you hang something and decide you don’t like it, don’t panic - just take it down and start again. Several folks messaged me saying they were scared to get started, but the only way to complete something like this is just to take the leap. Creating a gallery wall (especially one of this size that spans three walls floor-to-ceiling) is all about confidence and creativity. You know what you want - make it happen!

Happy hanging!

Moving Always Makes Me Cry

I played with a bunch of titles for this post, but as my cursor blinked at me from the title bar, that’s what I typed. Because man, oh man, is it the truth.

I don’t know if you guys are like this. You may not be. You may be the sort of person who turns in their keys or closes a door for the last time and thinks, “Great run! On to the next.”

I am decidedly not that person. I’m more the “turns in her key, sobs, goes to every room and stares lovingly around at all the empty walls and feels an enormous sense of gratitude and sadness for all that took place within them” sort of person.

There’s just so much of LIFE that happens in a house. I remember Sarah Jessica Parker always saying that the city of New York was essentially the fifth women in the cast of Sex and the City, and that’s exactly how I feel about this house. It’s been the fifth member of our family.

When we moved to Asheville, it was July of 2015. We were just shy of our one year wedding anniversary and were moving to North Carolina to “have an adventure,” since we had no children and didn’t own a home yet. We planned to be here for two, maybe three years (on the very outside). Three years later, our heels are dug in, and, for as long as we can see in front of us, we’re Ashevillians. It snuck up on us, like almost all good things do. We moved here with no friends or family in town - a newly married couple striking out on their own to a new state for the very first time. Jordan had never lived anywhere but Alabama, and my longest stint outside the state was a one year stopover in Memphis, during which I practically split my time between the 901 and the 205 in order to visit my then-boyfriend/fiance.

We moved into this house sight unseen. I found an ad on Craigslist, and, like a true and unmitigated psychopath, proceeded to give my personal information to a total stranger in exchange for a 2-year lease on a home I’d never set foot in. I remember making the 7-hour (with many stops, of course) trek from Birmingham to Asheville with four cars and a massive uHaul. Somehow, Tom Hanks and I were the first to arrive in our new home. I met our landlord and my sweet dog and I trotted around the empty craftsman home, stunned that we’d hit the jackpot with what was a beautiful house with a lovely view. The neighborhood we could take or leave, but the house itself was perfectly wonderful.

For the first 4 months or so, we lived like that. No real interactions with our neighbors, no real friendships. Jordan was working at a practice 45 minutes out of town, so I had a lot of time to myself. I took a job at J Crew to make friends (and thankfully, succeeded in making one of my closest in Asheville who started out as my manager and ended up as my dear friend). Soon, construction started on a slew of new homes in what used to be the lot to the right of us where baby bears would frolic in the trees. I’ll admit, our initial reaction was to be wildly annoyed and peeved that our landlord had promised us nothing would ever come of those lots - that the builders had been “saying they would start for years - don’t worry about it.”

“Maybe you’ll end up with wonderful neighbors you never even knew you needed,” my mom suggested at one point.

“Yeah, right,” I scowled back. “Fat chance.”

Seven new houses and three years later, things are very different.

The families that inhabit those seven homes are our family in Asheville. They have hosted us, eaten with us, invited us over, celebrated our birthdays and baby. They’ve cried with us in moments of sorrow and frustration, danced late night, played poker and discussed novels. Their dogs have become our dog’s friends.

There’s no way to really describe the street we lucked into living on except to say that it is magical in every possible way. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it, and I know I never will. Though the people will still be very much a part of our lives (we’re only moving across town), the luxury of walking out onto the street and running into three, four, five, ten of our neighbors/family members for an impromptu neighborhood street party with babies and dogs and no shoes and cold beers and sunset light is a thing I will miss for as long as I don’t have it. If you’ve been lucky enough to know what I mean, you know what a true heartbreaker it is to leave.

But we had to buy instead of rent. And so we did.

This is the house I brought my son home to. I started this blog on a wing and a prayer from the couch here. I told Jordan we were pregnant in the den. Tom Hanks got stung by a wasp for the first time in the shower the day we moved in. Brand new baby Mac settled into his very first non-hospital nap in the master bedroom. All the big news in my life has been received while standing in the kitchen or lounging in front of the fireplace - babies, engagements, jobs. Some of the things I’m most proud of having written were typed at the desk where I’m sitting now, or the kitchen table.

It is unbearable, if I’m being honest. And I don’t think that makes me a wimp. I think it makes a sentimental sonofabitch, and I think that quality makes me a good writer. But these things - what some other more practical peers might find to be mundane and just another part of life - these are the things that gut me.

I am wounded by the thought that the sunrise will still be in Mac’s nursery window but I won’t be there to see it. Add in any number of lines like that about things that will continue to go on without me in this house. I’ve thought about them all already. This week, I’ve perfected the art of the 5-minute sob, wherein I feel the tears shoot up from my gut and stab my sinuses like hot pepper, swell my throat like a bee sting, then slide back down into my stomach and wait to be invited back by the next soul-crushing realization of house-related grief. In the meantime, back to business. Packing, feeding my baby, all the things life demands.

It is a process to grieve the walls within which a load, a bundle, an impossible mass of memories were made.

If you want to cry next time you move homes, give me a ring. I’m around. I’ll make sure to tell you your house is proud of you, even if other people think it’s ridiculous. The Practicals think almost everything is ridiculous. But they’re only seeing the construction. They need a push to be reminded of the magic that’s waiting around the corner, like I did, and will again one day. Tonight, though, I’m square in the middle of it. I feel it prickling my skin.

Ah, well. Here’s to those of you who manage to get out of this thing without shedding any tears. Write me a manual and maybe one day I’ll get a little better at it. Of course, I know this new house will be incredible and I’m so excited and everything will ultimately be fine. Blah, blah, blah. It’s always fine with the right attitude, isn’t it? We’ve walked through scary things before and moving, even across town, away from our friends and this house feels scary. We’ll do it again, and it’ll be great just like it has been every time so far.

But first I have to walk room to room, filled with that gratitude I was talking about earlier, imagining that the house itself is a living breathing thing like I’ve always suspected, who’s watched me grow and chance from a brand new 26-year-old wife into an almost-30 year old mom and all the millions of less significant (but probably equally significant in other ways) changes in between.

I wonder what it thinks about me. I hope it likes me. I think it does. I think it’s probably proud of me. I think maybe I confuse houses with the tangible spirit of God, and that’s why it feels so devastating to leave. Then again, maybe that’s not confusion - maybe that’s a lesson that we just aren’t ever, ever, ever alone. It’s never about what it’s about, and this isn’t about just the house. It’s about chapters of life opening and closing and being written right under my feet with every step and choice, and how fast it all seems to go.

I started this post while the sun was up, watched it set over the mountains for the second-to-last time from this particular vantage point, and now it’s time to go make Halloween costumes with my husband. Life just keeps right on rolling.

Anyway. Here’s to 22 Thurland Avenue, one of the great loves of my life.

Thank you, friend.

Learning to Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!

If you’re like me, you do an okay job at recycling, but not a great one. Recently, a study was released that said we pretty much have 12 years to get it together or else the world is going to explode.  

(Okay, maybe that’s dramatic, but it’s not much better than that. You can read it for yourself here.)  

While the majority of the change needs to come from large companies and their factories, there are simple things that you and I can do to help, too. Every tiny contribution is something!  

Since moving to Asheville, I’ve gotten to encounter a lot of folks who absolutely crush the recycling game. Not only that, but they’ve found ways to lessen their environmental impact that have taught me so much! I felt a little daunted by this concept at first because I’m not someone who can, let’s say, live without central air (obviously I can, I’m being a brat) - but I’m dipping my toe into the pool and taking my transformation into Eco Girl one step at a time.

Many of you may be thinking, “Yeah, dumb dumb - we’ve been on this train for a long time. You’re not telling us anything new.” If you’re one of those people, I salute you. If you’re more like I am, here are some things I’ve recently been inspired (I polled Instagram, too - so many of your answers made it into this post!) by that have helped me feel like I’m helping, even if it seems small! 

1. Wildly reducing the paper products we use.  

Let’s be realistic: I have a 10-month-old and a dog. I can’t NOT have paper towels in the house. But I used to use them for everything. Are we sitting down for a meal? Tear off a paper towel to use as a napkin. Do I need something to stick my bagel on in the morning? Paper towel. Mac threw solid food all over the floor under his high chair? Paper towel. 

We have cloth dish towels that we use to dry our hands off, but we were under-utilizing them. I recently bought a pack of surgical-grade towels from Amazon that are coming in so handy with all of Mac’s spills and any kitchen messes. Now, I just toss a dirty towel in the laundry rather than throwing a paper towel away. It’s been a week since I started this effort and I’ve only used 4 (!!!) paper towels! That’s an enormous difference for our family. Hoping to get down to zero!

2. No straws, napkins, or cutlery at restaurants; using glass containers to store food or reusing plastic containers from takeout. 

This can be a tough one if you’re driving through because of a road trip or some other truly time-sensitive reason, but if not, it’s a great way to change your habits. I stopped using plastic straws this summer! It’s a really easy thing to refuse - I’ve started saying, “No straw, please!” And it’s as simple as that.  

There are great companies that make washable metal or silicon straws, and even cutlery packets that you can take with you and re-use if you’re going somewhere that would give you plastic silverware. Easy and great! Best part - the people with whom you’re dining will also be inspired! Someone on Instagram even suggested bringing your own takeout containers to a restaurant from which you know you’ll take home leftovers. It’s brilliant!

Another great food-related suggestion I got is to buy glass containers for food storage and/or put containers you already have to use. Pay attention to which restaurants deliver food with compostable or reusable containers, and patronize their business. We vote with our dollars. 

And, sadly, red meat consumption has been proven to be tough on the environment. As a non-meat-eater, this one isn’t tough for me (just another excuse not to eat tons of meat!), but it’s a great way to make a change that’s both healthy for you and the earth.  

3. Keeping the AC at a reasonable temp.  

It’s really tough to do this one for me because I am a SUPER WIMP about heat (that’s what growing up in Alabama will do to you. I have summer PTSD). However, I guesssssss the planet is more important than my comfort UGHGHHGHGH. 

We keep our AC set to 74, although some of my friends keep theirs as high as 78 and many of my Asheville buddies don’t even have/use their AC at all. MIND BLOWING. I’m not at that level, but I can avoid cooling my house to freezing temps.  

 4. Buy in bulk. 

This is one I haven’t started putting into practice yet, so I’m excited to try. I’m learning so much about what products are sold in “single-serving” packages that are totally unnecessary. Toothbrushes, for example. Why buy one, individually packaged toothbrush when you could buy a pack of 6 and save packaging waste? 

This goes for food, too - buying in bulk at places like Costco can often save waste and save money. Items that are great bulk purchases: cereal or oatmeal; peanut butter; granola or any kind of protein/power bar; snack food like raisins, cashews, almonds; coffee, the list goes on and on. It also just occurred to me while writing this that this concept totally applies to toiletries as well!

5. Checking into what is included in curbside recycling.  

Believe it or not, lots of things you’d think are recyclable aren’t actually accepted by curbside services. Plastic grocery store bags are one of those items for us! It took me many moons to realize that. I’d been putting them in the bin without knowing - now, I know that if I take them back to our local grocery store, they ensure the bags get taken to the proper facility.  

Plastic bags that come from the dry cleaners are another no-no. Who knew?  

6. Vote! 

This might be the biggest way that we can make systemic change. We are at a point in our global society where unfortunately, small, individual actions aren’t going to be enough to change the future of our planet. Enter: people who can make a big difference.

This is a great one because it isn’t even a partisan issue! It’s based in science and data, which is a refreshing black and white in the midst of what can seem like a sea of uncertain grey. Climate change is real, global warming is real, and we need to elect leaders who both accept those facts and are ready to do something to address it. Midterms are coming - look into which candidates support saving our planet and go vote for them!  

And if you need help, here is a list of folks currently serving in Congress who do not acknowledge climate change as being real. You know what to do, y’all - boot ‘em! The stakes are just too high not to.

The Fastest Year.

WHEW.

That’s my general feeling right now. Any spare moment that I have when my brain is not preoccupied with a thousand different things, I find myself collapsing onto a nearby soft surface (usually my couch), taking a deep breath, and sighing, “WHEW.” 

This particular season of life has been an unbelievable whirlwind. Besides the fact that my son is growing faster than time can measure, we have been on the road more weekends than we haven’t. All the destinations and the reasons for our travel have been wonderful and joyous, but it has meant a lot of time in the car and balancing naps, feedings, and the tons of equipment that come with traveling anywhere with a baby. I’m convinced my breast milk supply is going to just dry up in protest (it pretty much already has, but, you know, the three drops I have left a day will also evaporate. More on that here. Sorry for the TMI if you’re a man that doesn’t know that women’s bodies produce food for children.). 

In the last few weeks, we’ve been to: 

- Birmingham (twice)  
 - Nashville 
 - Charleston
 - Atlanta, 

hosted several sets of out-of-town guests. My brother and precious almost-sister’s wedding is fast approaching and getting to participate in the events leading up to that event has been so incredible and gleeful and makes my heart explode. There is nothing like seeing your sibling happy with the person they chose, and independently loving that person so much you could just blow your dang top. There’s also nothing like a wedding to inspire you to lose the last ten pounds of baby weight. 

Jordan’s sister, Kaitlyn, is in her third trimester and Baby Beck Amanor will be making his debut anytime now. One of my very best friends had her sweet angel baby girl within the last couple of days, and it explodes my heart to know there’s a new person in the world that was brought here by someone I love so much.

Two weeks ago, Mac had 2 teeth. Now, he has eight teeth (four top, four bottom). He went from crawling to pulling up and standing on his own, and from tepidly enjoying solids to shoveling any and everything he can find into his baby mouth (including pizza, grilled cheese, and - suspend your judgment here - ice cream. We’re basically treating our first child with a “second child” mentality. It’ll probably be fine, right??). Jordan says that Mac is an alligator - he starts out moving slowly, but by the time he sees something he wants, he’s shot up to full speed and is suddenly across a room, standing near a glass table with a thousand sharp edges and waving a knife over his head. Hypothetically. You get it.

Jordan is celebrating one full year of working at the practice he moved to in October 2017, and his name is officially on the side of the building. We feel very blessed to be surrounded by professionals who are as kind, good-humored, and talented as those who’ve counted us in their company. 

And in the midst of ALL of this, we went crazy and decided to buy a house. The process went lightning-fast - we knew what we wanted and had looked a bit, but once we started truly looking, we ended up choosing the first house we saw. We are so excited to start working on this home that will be ALL OURS after renting for four years. Neither Jordan nor I have ever owned a home, so we are coming unglued with excitement (and anxiety) about this new chapter.

We’re also plagued with sadness and feelings of mourning as we leave the world’s greatest neighborhood on Thurland Avenue, which has been lovingly dubbed “Thurlandia” by its residents. I have never before (and I expect never will again) experience the kind of instant friendship that exists on this street. Of the 13 houses on this street, Jordan, Mac, Tom Hanks, and I are friends with every single soul (human and animal) that inhabit them. As a neighborhood, we have cookouts, monthly book clubs and poker nights, hot tub parties, dinners and drinks on each other’s porches - but the best of all is when one person casually strolls down the street, causing all the other Thurlandians to pour out of their homes and visit, laugh, and drink a beer while kids play together. Thurlandia is a magical place and I’ll never know what we did to deserve such neighbors. I know that nothing will change in the friendships, but the inability to just pop down to someone’s house is going to be a real blow to my soul. It’ll all be fine, of course, but that is certainly a big change. 

I’m going to dump some pictures here so you can see what we’ve been up to! Bachelorette parties, weddings, Mac pictures, oh my. Please pay special attention to the wedding photos. This was my paternal cousin, John B. Stroud, who married a beautiful Scottish girl named Eilidh Geddes. Her parents and extended family were born and raised in Scotland, and invited all the men attending the wedding to wear kilts, and the women to wear hats (think Royal Wedding). So we said, “Don’t mind if we do!” And some of us...not naming any names...REALLY enjoyed ourselves and may or may not have brandished the rental kilt knife on the dance floor while also peddling bottles of liquor to anyone who had inhibitions low enough to receive it. SOMEONE may or may not have been the life of the party. I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.  

Oh, oh. Also, I’m reading “Operating Instructions” by Anne Lamott. It is brilliant.  

9 Months Scored by SNL

So back in 2017 when I was pregnant, Jordan and I were trying to figure out a clever way to document my growing belly that didn’t involve me standing in front of a mirror taking pictures of myself. We are big Saturday Night Live fans and have been for our whole lives, and (just to make him laugh) I always do this stupid, extremely goofy and uncoordinated dance during the opening credits of the show.

Inspiration struck when I got up to do the dance the first time after finding out we were expecting - this would be our documentation! Though there’s a huge gap in the middle where SNL took their summer break between seasons 42 and 43, I absolutely love the end of this video where you can really see how big I got week to week. Make sure you watch until the end…there’s a special surprise.

Have been waiting to share this for months and SNL’s season premiere this weekend felt like the perfect time. Hope it brings a smile (or maybe a wince at my dancing - that’d be understandable, too) to your face!

Welcome back, SNL! Thanks for being a part of our lives.

Fetch or Wretch? The 2018 Emmy Awards

SNORE.

Y’all! This Emmys was so borrrrrrring (and, despite the chirpy little opening number, very white. Which wouldn’t have necessarily been as problematic if the production hadn’t been so self-congratulatory about the “most diverse group of nominees ever” at every single opportunity…but I digress.). Easily the best part of the show was this moment, which had both my husband and me choking up (shut up, Jordan, you know you did):

Oh my gosh I just watched it and cried all over again. HIS MOM’S RING, Y’ALL

Whew. But THAT isn’t what we’re here to talk about, is it, my friends? No, we’re here to dissect Emmy fashion with a sharp, merciless knife.

ROUND ‘EM UP!

FETCH.

Rachel Brosnahan.

The woman knew she was going to be picking up an award (and the show itself swept the evening), and she DRESSED FOR IT. This is pretty down-the-line flawless and you could tell she felt like a million bucks.

Thandie Newton.

THE BITCH DOESN’T AGE. This knocked me out. Styling, accessory choices, color, how they managed to keep that dress wrinkle-free all night…so many things to praise. There are several people last night that shocked me with their agelessness - Thandie Newton, Angela Bassett, Sandra Oh, Heidi Klum. Speaking of the last two, let’s just go ahead and put ‘em where they belong…

Heidi Klum.

Gotta give credit where credit’s due.

Sandra Oh.

Very disappointed we didn’t get to hear a speech from this amazing actress who I LOVE, but the dress said it all. What an amazing statement and a banner night for Asian American actresses, despite the loss. Although the real star of the red carpet wasn’t Sandra Oh, but instead was her mom, who wore the most FABULOUS hanbok I have ever seen. Mrs. Oh - we are here for you, girl. Google the image, the stupid internet won’t let me find a good one. Just trust me.

Tracee Ellis Ross

Lemme just be basic here for a minute and scream ‘YAS QUEEN!’ I mean are you kidding me?! This is so beyond fabulous I can’t. I canNOT.

Ru Paul.

Another that needs no commentary. Sashay away!

Leslie Jones.

Look, this one is tough. Do I love the length of the pants? No, I do not. Do I love the button placement that skews her proportions? Nope. But the color, her confidence, and the overall cut/fit of this custom Christian Siriano gets my vote, especially because CS has made a habit of dressing women who aren’t runway sizes and making them feel fabulous and confident. And she certainly felt both. Please pay special attention to her reaction during that proposal video - SO good.

Angela Sarafyan.

So elegant, so gorgeous, so darkly Cinderella. I LOVED it.

Kristen Bell.

Another tough one for me because that neckline is damn near impossible to pull off. But from every angle, sister was WORKING IT. The fit and the styling are perfection.

Sarah Paulson.

I thought this was pretty divine. The low-cut bodice is right on the edge of not great, but everything else (the feathers, the length, the head styling) works.

Jessica Biel.

I am damn near positive that the major critique of this gown will be that it looks like it’s made of coffee filters. Even so, I thought it was beautiful.

There are more Fetches, but I have to take my son to the doctor so that he can pee all over the nurses the second his diaper is removed, so let’s just get to the real reason we’re all gathered here today, shall we?

WRETCH.

Emilia Clarke.

Such a disappointment. Her head is so beautiful. Her body is sublime. But that dress looks like leftover Halloween decorations and dead flowers glued to a tarp. And I am VERY VERY OVER THE SHEER BODICE TREND. Can’t we all say once and for all that it’s dead, never again to be resurrected?! It’s so tacky looking! The Mother of Dragons really let us down - maybe she’ll pull it out next year when GOT is over.

Michelle Wolf.

I can’t decide if the bodice looks more like Maleficent’s head or cat-eye glasses, which would make her boobs the eyeballs, which is not something anyone wants to have said about what they wear to an awards show.

Tiffany Haddish.

I know I know I know I know I know, this is the it girl, I love her so much - I really do!! But this dress is a PROBLEM. Remember those big, colorful, circular parachutes that you used to play with in gym class in elementary school and all your classmates would hold onto the outsides and lift it up at the same time? …mmhmm. I know she’s honoring her dad’s culture, but that doesn’t make this a good dress. Not her fault, she’s still the best, but…PE parachute.

Ellie Kemper.

Another fave of mine, but I think she slipped in a vat of old tea. It looks like a Project Runway design where the theme was “Breakfast Beverages.” It’s the same color as her head/skin/lips/hair. Have I said enough? K.

Scarlett Johannessenenenennnnn

Her last name is impossible to spell and I’m too lazy to Google it. You’re not nominated, you’re not a Kardashian, and that Balmain silhouette is officially O-V-E-R. “Oh my dress is barely hanging onto my body oops there it goes!” Girl, pull up ya shoulder straps and go back home.

JVN, Tan France, and Karamo Brown

WHY must you guys disappoint me so?! Bobby and Antoni get a pass. And I’m not hating simply because these three guys have avant garde looks - I’m hating because they are also awful. JVN - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, but we do not need to see your chest every single time you step onto a red carpet. Sheer is amaze, but let’s add some variety. Tan, you look like a Chanel vision except that suit reads as very “daytime” and is made even clunkier by the random addition of a heavy black boot and black bowtie. And Karamo…oh my. It’s like equestrian mixed with aging socialite mixed with…someone who wears a pocket watch. Strugs. To. Func.

And finally, for this year’s WRETCHEST OF THEM ALL…

drum roll please

Amy Sherman-Palladino.

What the HOT HELL.

She can’t decide if she wants to be the magician or the magician’s assistant.

This is the most annoying outfit I’ve ever seen. Begging for people to think she’s adorable and kitschy when in reality she appears to have walked into a costume shop whilst on mushrooms. I get that hats are your thing, lady, but this is HORRIFYING. Don’t try to win me over with your quirkiness. I live in Asheville, okay? I regularly see a man who walks down the street in a chicken costume FOR NO REASON. He doesn’t work at a chicken store. He just feels like it. You’re not impressing me. You are also pretty annoying and both your speeches were very “I’m a 13-year-old theater kid, LOVE ME!!!!”

And her hose were ripped.

…and that hat.

Don’t look at it too long. It wounds the eyeballs.

That’s it for me, kids - see you soon. Keep your fingers crossed that only one nurse is taken out with Mac’s unbelievable geyser of urine.