5 Things: Questions for Donald Trump

Dear Sir, 

Gotta be honest, I thought this whole thing was a joke. I really did. For months, I would giggle at the thought of First Lady Melania Trump (still giggling, actually), and the idea of you and your wig being inaugurated. "Yeah, right," I thought to myself. 

Then you won a whole bunch of delegates and that makes me uncomfortable. 

Not because I think you've got a chance at winning (you don't), but because there are so many people in this country who believe you do. That's unsettling to me. The idea that people think that you're the next face of America, based purely on what they've seen of you this election cycle, is troubling. 

So here on this beautiful Friday morning, I'd like to ask a few things. 

1. What is up with you putting so much stock into this whole "short-fingered vulgarian" thing? 

Granted, it's a hell of an insult. I love when the pen is mightier than the sword, because this 30-year old joke has really gotten under your skin. They're just words, Donald. I feel like you'd be a proponent of the "sticks and stones" model of dealing with criticism, especially given that you don't seem to take other people's sensitivity or feelings to heart when speaking yourself. You got real real defensive about it last night, even going so far as to say that "Nobody has ever hit my hands. I've never heard of this one." 

Uh oh! No. We know you've heard of it! That's why you're upset! 

Are your feelings genuinely hurt? Is that why you thought it appropriate to make a joke about your penis in a presidential debate on national television? 

Though, of course I understand your tactic - really trying to carve out a name for yourself. George Washington, "The Father of our Country;" Abraham Lincoln, "Honest Abe;" Donald Trump, "Doesn't Have a Small Penis." Got it. It really seems like it would stand the test of time. Clever, Donald. And, as always, classy. 

2. How long does it take to do your hair every day? 

I'm really asking. Personally, I love to do my hair. It's one of my favorite morning rituals. I never leave the house (unless I'm working out, of course) without a curling iron having touched my hair. So I'm genuinely curious about your method. 

Is it: brush, swoop, spray? Or maybe: comb, spray, swoop, spray? My last guess would be: tease, comb, smooth, spray, swoop, spray. One of those has got to be right. 

Surely there's a YouTube tutorial somewhere on Donald's hair. Oh, wow. THERE IS.  Amazing. This girl even nailed the way-too-light-undereye-concealer. A real pro, this one. 

3. Melania is an immigrant. Does that make it awkward at the dinner table when you say really xenophobic things? 

Les miserables.

Les miserables.

Melania was born in Slovenia and immigrated to the United States. So I have to wonder whether, when the dinner party guests are gone and you guys are behind closed doors, she just lets you have it. It must be pretty frustrating for her to hear you talk about immigrants with such vitriol - whether we're talking about Mexican immigrants or Syrian refugees - same overall level of intolerance. 

Although if I were Melania, I gotta say, I'd be equally upset about pretty much everything you said in this interview, which is, in a word, grotesque and horrifying. ...that was two words, I know. I couldn't help it. 

But neither can you, it seems. 

4. Do you know that the verb "disavow" should almost always be followed with an object? 

...because you keep saying "I disavow" by itself. You have to disavow something or someone for that sentence to work. And you kind of keep doing it. 

To be fair, you did include an object in the debate last night. You said, "I disavow the Klu Klux Klan." 

"Huh," I thought. "He threw an extra 'l' in the word, 'Ku.' Most of the people I've heard do that are school-aged children who are learning about the group for the first time and are having trouble pronouncing it. Admittedly, it's a clunky group name. It was a slip of the tongue. I'll cut him some slack." 

But see, then you did it again. A second time, in a row, almost immediately after the first time. Which leads me to believe that you actually think the name of the group is "Klu" Klux Klan. Which is wrong. It's upsetting to me. 

But not as upsetting as the fact that it took you longer than exactly zero seconds to "disavow" a terrorist organization who killed black people for sport. It's less upsetting than that. 

5. Are you kidding me? 

I mean it. I'm not asking ironically. 

My great hope is that this is all the most elaborate political joke of all time; that somehow that insane conspiracy theory that the Clintons paid you to run in order to give them a leg up is true. 

That we aren't living in a time in America when people believe that a bigoted, bullying, sexist, xenophobe, pretending to tout Christian valuesshould be President of the United States. Because what was it that Jesus said? Oh yeah. "BUILD ME A WALL!" 

I want to believe in my country more than that, sir. I want to believe that you're just kidding around. That, while this has certainly gone too far, has certainly embarrassed an entire nation of people, you are running the longest and best Jim Halpert-style prank that anyone has ever seen. 

This is my hope. This is my prayer. 

Don't get me wrong, sir. I don't think you'll ever be President. There are too many people on both sides of the aisle who DISAVOW! your antics and barely take the time to acknowledge you as a serious candidate. When you have two former political rivals like our current President and Mitt Romney coming out to condemn you, people have to figure that you don't really have a shot. 

Plus, my dad says you won't win, and he's pretty much always right. 

I alternate between rage and jovial dismissal when it comes to you, Mr. Trump. I go back and forth between being the embodiment of SMH and rolling my eyes. One minute, you're making me reach for a tub of ice cream to stress-eat; the next, I remember you are a clown from the circus. 

Here's the thing, Don. Can I call you Don? I know if you actually were ever to read this note, you'd probably say that I was hysterical or that it must be "that time of the month" for me, or make fun of my nose (get in line, pal), or tell me that I'm only a 5 on a scale of 10. You'd dig up pictures of me as an ugly middle-schooler and talk about my lack of fashion sense. You'd slam my 7th grade perm. That seems to be how you handle crisis or criticism.

Joke's on you, because there's nothing my husband likes better than a woman with a sense of humor whose nose used to be nicknamed "The Antler." So:

The thing is, we can't have someone like you running the country, because when it comes right down to it, you're just mean. It's amazing to me that someone so wealthy can act so cheap.

You seem to not love being presented with facts or having to combat them, so here are some facts in a clip that I know you won't like, but is something that people need to see over and over until the election. 

Here's to you, Mr. Drumpf. Stop talking about your penis, and stop being such a dick.

(Sorry to my grandparents who I know will not love the fact that I just used the word "dick." It was in service of a joke. You guys understand.)