Dear Pedestrians Crossing the Street,
Listen, I get it. I don't always cross at a crosswalk, either. Usually I just run like a terrified rodent across the road at whatever place I see the opportunity. Notice how I said "run?" This is my problem with you people: unless you are elderly or otherwise impaired, if you're crossing the road NOT at a crosswalk, I better see some hustle. I want to see that brisk jog that says, "I'm not jogging for speed, I'm jogging out of appreciation." No leisurely strolls across the road. No. Hop along or get outta here. DNR - JTI.
Dear Truck Parked in Front of Me,
You have a "Make America Great Again: JAIL HILLARY!" bumper sticker on your 1965 Ford pickup. And yet, when I got out of my car, you were kind to me and complimented me on my parallel parking. I don't like complicated. Be one thing. DNR - JTI.
Dear Drivers Who Wait Until the Last Second to Merge When a Lane Closes,
We see you. We ALL see you. We know you saw that "RIGHT LANE CLOSED" sign just like we did, miles back. And yet, here you are, trying to shove your car through my life -- trying to break in line, really -- right at the front of the pack. Well, NOT TODAY. I mean, I might let you in, but I'm going to hate you the whole time. I have no grace to give you on this subject. DNR - JTI.
Dear Guy Who Drove Up Beside Me Yesterday,
I don't really even know what to say, here. You caught me sending a text while driving, and you held up a sign that you'd obviously pre-written. In big, black letters I read, "PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN!" I wonder how many times you've gotten the chance to use that sign today. I feel convicted, violated, embarrassed, and angry at you. But you were right. Maybe get a hobby, though. DNR - JTI.
Dear Interstate Drivers,
The left lane is not for setting your cruise control. The left lane is for fast driving and passing. Not for cruising. For passing. Don't cruise in it. Just pass in it. Please. I'm begging you. DNR - JTI.
Dear State Trooper,
A friend of yours, also a Trooper, told me once that we can all safely go 10 mph over the speed limit without being pulled over. This rule has worked for me so far. Thanks for the tip. You're the best! DNR - JTI.
Remember when I was 15 and you paid me $20 to help you with a case you were working on? You said you were representing a client who had some traffic violations, and that you needed to know what the fine and punishments were for reckless driving in each county in Alabama. Remember that? Well it took me another decade, but I finally figured out that there was no client. You just wanted me to know that if I go 20 mph over the speed limit, I'm going to owe the government $2,500 and may get my license taken away. That was crafty. I still haven't forgotten. One day, I will also trick my own children, assuming cars will still be driven by humans when my kids are 15. We could all be robots by then. DNR - JTI.