THE MEN TELL ALL.
WAIT - this is Sex Island AKA Fantasy Suites??
HOW did I not know this was coming? Oh man, it's gonna be a good night.
Okay wow I forgot about how dramatic this last episode was. Let me just say what we've all been thinking: JoJo has a set of priorities (hot, good kisser, hot, tall, good body, hot) and she's not really worried about long-term traits like "smart" or "decent."
All that to say, I hope she doesn't pick Snake. I want Snake to escape this show. He's too good for it. And honestly, they never use the fourth-runner-up as The Bachelor, which would mean that if she doesn't move him forward tonight, he'd for SURE escape with his life. Unless Chris Harrison decides to pull a fast one and make him Bachelor. But it's still really going to bother me if she cuts him just because it will reflect her consistently bad judgment. RUN SNAKE RUN!!
Okay. Let's see what happens:
PART LEFTOVER: Last Week's Rose Ceremony:
- The fact that he had to go back and make sure he said, "I love you," specifically...I'll just never get over it. As though the gesture at his hometown wasn't enough.
- Wonder who's going to be in the bottom? I think Chase and Luke, then she'll pick Chase. Because I'm starting to learn that she will do the exact opposite of what I'd do.
- Is anyone else just 1,000% confused about why Robby is still here?? He has the features of an old woman.
- She picked Chase.
- I know I called it, but I still can't believe it.
- Not that I was carrying around loads of respect for her anyway, but this choice was the most unintelligent one I've ever seen made in the history of this show. That's right, THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW. Luke is the clear front-runner and why she let him go is TOTALLY BEYOND ME.
- This sealed the deal that Jordan is winning. It's so boring now.
- Newsflash: if you're crying this hard, it might mean something about YOU MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE.
- Good for you, Luke. Get out of there. Don't let her sit there and try to justify this.
- STOP HUGGING HIM, YOU JUST DUMPED HIM.
- YOU ARE THE WORST.
- SHE NEVER COMMUNICATED THAT THIS WAS A PROBLEM.
- She broke up with him because he didn't communicate to her and she NEVER communicated to him that he wasn't communicating. GET IT??
- Of course you did, honey. Because that's how normal people work.
- Damn this is brutal.
- This is a total bitch move. This is something that I really have a problem with. If you're breaking up with someone, don't sit around and cry and try to get them to make YOU feel better about it. Say what you need to say and leave them their dignity.
- Cool story, JoJo.
- Jordan (my husband, not Rodgers): "This whole 'sobbing in the airplane hangar' scene is really gonna make these other guys feel great."
- Seriously any woman who would pick Robby over Luke (using his real name here)...I can't.
- Also this is what you're missing, JoJo, you unbelievable moron. That's right. Snake is also a country singer.
PART I - Robby. Ugh.
- - Literally any guy on this show could have said that exact quote and it would've been applicable.
- Robby's thirstiness trying to get JoJo to say, "I love you" to him is really desperate. He's coming on WAY too strong.
- Stop calling her "Joelle" like you're special.
- Robby, your perception of yourself is:
- And really you're:
- You've noticed that the other two guys have your exact haircut, right? Not like a similar haircut. YOUR EXACT HAIRCUT.
- You're one in a carousel of dudes she's hardcore making out with, stop feeling good about the relationship.
- "Wow, Mary Catherine, tell us how you really feel!" Yeah I haven't even BEGUN.
- Can I also just say, at the risk of sounding sexist, that I've never seen any Bachelor or Bachelorette make out with the contestants as hardcore as JoJo has?? SO much tongue. SO much hand-action.
- She's so freaked out that he's telling her he loves her so many times. She's trying to basically say, "This is so weird," but just with her eyes.
- Your dad snuck a note into the pocket of your jeans????
- That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
- That entails a dad sneakily slipping a sheet of paper into his adult son's BACK POCKET so stealthily that the son has no idea.
- Oh, Jordan (husband not Rodgers) said maybe Robby wasn't wearing the jeans at the time and his dad just tucked the note into his suitcase.
- Well that changes things.
- Anyway regardless, let's just all agree that that note was not written by Robby's dad.
- Robby wrote that letter himself. Or a producer did.
- Can we also talk about that if a person is the Bachelor or Bachelorette, and they appear on a season as a contestant, then star on the next season, there are four people that we KNOW they've slept with?
- This is everything we need to know about why Robby is still here: because he has been vocal (to the point of being redundant and/or extremely creepy) about his feelings for her. She knows he's a sure thing.
- "I AM IN LOVE WITH ROBBY?!?!?!"
- Okay girl. Listen. I'm gonna tell it to you straight: If you picked Robby over Luke to take to Sex Island, you need to get yourself checked out. By someone with a medical degree.
- Of course it's "easy to imagine waking up to Robby" when you're in a resort hotel with room service. Know what happens when you're married? You start out being a great wife and getting up at 5 to make your husband's breakfast and then turn into a deadbeat who sleeps in. Sorry from me, Jordan Scott. Sorry from JoJo, winner of this show Jordan Rodgers.
- I feel like a youth minister saying this, but the reason she has strong feelings for all these guys is just because she wants to bang them. Girlfriend is #inlust right now.
- Also, no shade, Thailand, but this fantasy suite isn't very fantasy-esque.
PART II - Jordan.
- Yep, that's exactly what I wear on a hike.
- Could they not have told Jordan to wear a most substantial hiking shoe than knockoff Toms?
- Fun fact: whenever people say "journey" on this show, that's because the producers have asked them to replace the word "show" with "journey."
- If she kisses that guy in this temple, or if they make it some kind of montage about how badly they want to kiss each other, but can't, I'm going to stab my couch.
- "Meeting my family was the last box to check. Because my family is the one that matters. Because I'm Jordan Rodgers. Oh, right, you have a family, too -- sorry."
- The common thread in all of the guys who are left is that they are very full of themselves. Oh, and that they have exactly the same haircut.
- Honestly she should sleep with these guys immediately upon seeing them for the date, then spend the rest of the time talking. It's like she can't function properly when there's sexual tension. Get rid of it and move on.
- "The biggest moment is talking to the dad." - A guy who has clearly never proposed or talked about proposing. 'Cause I think most men would agree that the biggest moment is WHEN YOU PROPOSE.
- Sorry, what does Jordan do for a living? He's not a QB anymore, so why is his travel schedule a problem? What does he do, sell vacuum cleaners on the road?
- This is how I know she's not really that serious about Robby - when Robby keeps telling her he loves her, she just says thank you and grins. With Jordan, she presses him. Robby is just a safety choice.
- Is anyone else asleep at this point?
- Serious question: do you think the reason they don't have these guys living together from here forward is because they don't tell the guys what order they're going in? Like, I bet these guys wouldn't agree to being "second" or "third" on the sex list.
- Is it too far to say that she is the worst Bachelorette in recent history? I'm just SO uninvested in her happiness and think her judgment is about as rock solid as this election cycle. That is to say it is NOT SOLID AT ALL.
- I'm sorry.
- ...haven't we heard her say this EXACT line already?
- And this EXACT scene?!?!
- Allow me to deliver a side-by-side play-by-play:
- THIS IS THE SAME FREAKING SETUP FOR BOTH DATES. Did they think we wouldn't notice?? Oh, we noticed. We NOTICED.
- Is it obvious yet how little ABC cares about this season? Because if it isn't, it should be.
- I quit.
PART III - Chase.
- That's because it's not possible. Loving three people at once is not a thing.
- Also whatcha wearin', Joje?
- Honest to God can't believe the haircuts. It really is just comedy gold.
- Yeah I bet those Thai fisherman loved these two white assholes showing up and kissing their fish.
- I'm also like not even being shy about my dislike for her at this point.
- Monkeys and fishermen, saltwater and fish.
- He's got a cute little charm going on this episode. I have also NEVER heard him talk this much. Was he part mute before hometowns??
- She does a lot of hair-grabbing in her makeouts. Maybe that's what I think is so pornographic about her.
- I can't believe I'm saying this, but Chase, the most boring guy here, is my new favorite.
- Then this weirdo shit happens.
- "I came by to visit and just check in with you before you do this other guy."
- Robby officially just ventured into stalker territory. It just happened. I watched. So did you. It's a subtle change, people, but watch her face:
- She is just not feelin' it.
- "Country clubs and coloring books." Oh good GRIEF this guy is so cheesy. *chanting* Throw him back! Throw him back!
- "I love Jordan and I love Robby and I can see myself falling in love with Chase."
- ...do you think she knows that "love" and "boinked" mean different things?
- That's called "oxytocin." That's science, Joelle. Not "chemistry."
- Wait, she's not wearing that black dress to dinner? So she went back to her room and changed from her bikini, then into that black dress with a totally different hairstyle, then into her date outfit with hair down? So was not surprised at all that Robby was coming over. That was all planned. Okay. Got it.
- I just really like Chase now. Why? That probably means he's going home.
- Another guy who is too good for this show. Who knew? Who knew Robby was a curveball?
- KNEW IT KNEW IT
- SHE'S GONNA DUMP HIM
- Because she is brainless
- Because she is awful
- She is going to keep the TWO WORST GUYS HERE
- It's amazing, like a machine - she sends home the classy, smart, stand-up guys and keeps the egomaniacal, slimy, simpletons.
- This is the THIRD time someone has said, "I love you," and she's IMMEDIATELY dumped them. Lil' Tyke Alex, Snake, and now Chase. Each time she's claiming that when they said those words, she didn't feel what she should.
You know what? One time, someone offered me a raw oyster. And I politely declined, because I don't have to eat that slimy, boogery shit to know I'M NOT GONNA LIKE IT. I didn't eat it, chew it up, then vomit it back onto the offerer. Similarly, JoJo, you shouldn't have to hear them tell you they love you to imagine that you probably don't reciprocate those feelings.
- This poor guy has all these daddy issues and is all blocked up and he finally opens up and you SLAUGHTER him.
- TELL 'ER, CHASE!!
- GOOD FOR YOU!
- LAY IT OUT!!
- I'm so glad she's getting it handed to her right now - she deserves this. This is unreasonable behavior from her.
- Please stop crying, JoJo. I'm so over you. I'm speaking for America. We, collectively, are over you.
- She literally just told him that if she'd met him without knowing that there was something better out there, she could've been really happy settling for him.
- She's done this twice THIS episode - delivered the boom, then made the guys comfort her.
- Y'all, is anyone else as riled up as I am?
- He tried to stand up and say goodbye to her but she kept standing there sobbing so he had to walk away.
- The more she talks, the worse it gets. It's like trying to explain why it stinks in a room. Stop saying you didn't toot. You tooted. The more you say it smells like a toot, the worse this gets for you.
- Chase does something I haven't seen any other guy do: opens a beer and starts getting wasted. And I got nothin' but respect for ya, buddy.
PART IV: Rose ceremony.
- Why are all of Jordan's clothes way too tight? Look at those pants. Too short and too tight.
- Chase shows up, which I hate, because I really wanted the last shot of him to be him getting drunk in the van on the way home.
- ALL I WANT in this life is a picture of these three guys, in the same color shirt, roughly the same height, with exactly the same haircut, all standing right next to each other. Please, ABC. Give it to me.
- Once again, we get proof that she's trashing a lot of really quality guys. What kind of guy comes back to say that he's sorry for the way he acted when he was ruthlessly dumped on national TV?
- Class. Freakin'. Act.
- Well according to you, it's because you didn't have sex with him. Because those things are equivalent in your mind.
- Somebody get this girl a Pedialyte. She's got to be so dehydrated from crying for two straight hours.
- IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME HAIR, PEOPLE. I don't care if I'm repeating myself. They're repeating THEMselves.
- Blah blah everyone gets a rose. I couldn't be rolling my eyes harder.
- Best part about this entire episode was that monkey montage at the end.
- Here's a GIF of Pizza Rat to cleanse our palettes. Because we deserve it.
Monkeys and fisherman, saltwater and fish.
See you next week, if I don't stab out my eyes before then.