Okay, people. I'm gonna recap this on the condition that I'll be using fewer screengrabs, because the screengrabs part of those recaps takes me about two hours to compile, and, frankly, these stooges are not worth it.
But I did watch. And I am gonna snark all over them.
- HOW many times are we gonna have to hear Chad's whistle from the 2x1 looped over itself. Oy.
- Chad is so pitiful - he started out being awesome because he was kind of anti-establishment in a fun way, but now he's sold out to The Man and will do literally whatever will make him more famous.
- Case in point: he's eating a sweet potato in his trailer. Because he wants ATTENTION.
- Oh man Bachelor in Paradise preview DID I JUST SEE JUBILEE IN BED WITH EVAN
- TELL ME I DIDN'T
- NICK VIALL YOU KEEP YOUR DAMN DIRTY HANDS OFF OF SWEET SINGLE MOM AMANDA
- Oh man I really hope Evan gets punched out by Chad. I wanna see him just get knocked the hell out and hospitalized. Not killed, mind you, just taken out for a while so he can think about his life and his choices.
- CAILA IS ON THIS SHOW?!? CAILA I THOUGHT MORE OF YOU DAMN IT
- That preview made me feel the way I feel after my birthday party is over. Sad and alone. It premieres on my anniversary. I mean, come on. Thank you, universe.
- Brandon got a haircut.
- OH, SAINT NICK. That's why that guy dressed up like Santa. I just got that. Wow. Blonde moment.
- Jonathan put on a little weight.
- Vinny got Jordan/Luke/Chase/Robby's haircut. Remember, he used to have those straight-across bangs?
- Not wanting to ever be left out of anything, Evan, in his failed attempts to be cool, also got that haircut:
- So did James Taylor, who was teetering on the edge of having that cut anyway.
- No surprise that Snake's applause breaks the applause-o-meter.
- All the other guys are looking at each other like, "Great. SO glad Chad is getting this much attention. Fantastic."
- We're treated to this extremely pornographic montage of JoJo, who Evan calls, "The best Bachelorette there's ever been." I think he said that because he saw boobs for the first time. Oh, Evan. I remember my first beer.
- Then we get into trying to psychoanalyze the behavior of all these guys, as though that's a) interesting, or b) possible.
- Lil' Tyke Alex is first up in the shrink's chair.
- Dr. Wells actually offers up a pretty solid theory that because Alex was raised in combat, he looks for conflict. Surprising depth there, Wells. Would've liked to have seen you as the next Bachelor, but I saw you on that Paradise preview and it looks like you're in it for the nookie.
- Snake is not having the fact that military guys are being portrayed as loose canons.
- He didn't even have to get mean. Just tellin' it like it is. That's my Snake right there. Love that guy.
- Just noticed that homeboy is still in his kilt.
- John Krasinski is not coming off great in this episode. He's kind of whiney and lame.
- Honestly, THAT is how pitiful this season is. They're making an entire show out of Chad, a villain for like 5 episodes, because JoJo is so deeply uninteresting and unsympathetic.
- Thanks for your thoughts, Evan, but I'm gonna have to stop you right there because NOBODY CARES.
- I'm tempted to just bail on this entire recap because of how ridiculous this ALREADY is re: all things Chad. This show doesn't deserve my viewership.
- But I can't help myself. I want to know what happens.
- This line will go down for me as one of the greatest in Bachelor history:
- And this one:
- The thing is, Chad could HANDILY kick the asses of everyone here. He is a monster. Super tall and absolutely HUGE.
- His cheek line on his beard is up to his eyeballs. It's so high! How did I not notice that?? Also has the weirdest beard line ever.
- A security guard?. Come on.
- So, what, he dug up secrets on every single person here so they can't respond to them?
- Chris Harrison basically just asked Chad if he's slept with Robby and Grant's girlfriends. This is where are, people. This is where we are.
- Now Saint Nick wants to fight Chad? That's how he's gonna get his 15 minutes?
- In the most epic screen grab of all time, I accidentally captured Evan checking out Nick's ass. Proving ONCE AND FOR ALL that Evan is gayer than Peter Pan.
- The Canadian delivers the best line of the night and puts us all on blast:
- So what now? Is that guy gonna just stand there throughout the entire commercial break??? What is this, a duel?
- Okay yes, apparently he did in fact stand there through the commercial. So ridiculous. And then just kind of anti-climactically went back to his seat.
- Chad is really just not entertaining any of this stuff - he doesn't care about being a part of this conversation in a genuine way, which is amazing.
- He's just trolling everyone.
- Trying to get a rise out of them. And it's working. John Krasinski is talking to him about something normal and this was his response:
- Also we're learning some interesting information about Jordan - that he 1) has a sportscasting job and is 2) "only in it for the fame." Which I TOTALLY believe because I do not like Jordan.
- I've never been in a scenario where I don't like anyone in the finale, including the Bachelor/Bachelorette, until this season. Like I genuinely don't care who wins.
- Chad keeps trolling everyone to my delight.
- Then. We have to. Listen. To Evan. UGH.
- The audience apparently is the new jury for what happened on this season. As in, Harrison is legit asking the people what their opinions are about everything.
- Evan, your fate has been decided, you little tiny squirrely greasy Keebler Elf:
- Blah blah blah Chad keeps getting talked about, I'm bored, let's move on.
SNAKE AND CHASE'S TURN.
- Poor Snake. This montage of their relationship is brutal.
Then we move on to Chase's sad story:
Let's hear from JOJE:
- What kind of person is she?? She just admitted that she sent Snake home because he didn't literally say the words, "I love you," in that order. I mean, come on. You're a monster.
- Then it's Chase's turn to hear why this lil' Candy Corn broke his heart:
- And she basically said that she still doesn't know if she made a mistake sending him home. So that'll make a guy feel great.
- Both these guys were so sweet and handled the breakup with such dignity. Both thanked her for what she'd taught them. I mean, it doesn't get a lot better than that.
- Then Chad tries to turn the attention back toward him by firing shots at Robby and Jordan to JoJo herself, which she doesn't entertain because she knows Chad is not #herefortherightreasons.
- Then Donatella Versace showed up. Oh -- wait, no. That's Vinny's mom.
- Good deal.
- Then we have a blooper reel.
- People. This reunion was full of Chad being an idiot and the other guys being so decent that they aren't even interesting. UGH COME ON.
- Harrison's GOT JOKES!!! He knows how stupid the phrase "amazing journey" is - I love this:
- Okay so the show's over - we need to talk about JoJo's family.
- Y'all, when these guys meet HER family, they're going to start doubting their relationship with her. Trust.
- They thought THEIR families were the hurdle. HAHAHAHAHA good joke. The Fletchers are...a special bunch.
- Good luck, buttercups. You're gonna need it.
Slash it looks like she's gonna pick Robby. I feel like his beard is the beard in theis shot where she says "I love you."
See you next week on the