Let me say a couple of things riiiiiiight up front:
1. ABC, for some reason, doesn't release the finale of these shows online for a full 24 hours. So this will be a relatively screen-grab-free post because there's nothing for me to grab. Except scraps of clips that I could find. Sorry about that. Blame Chris Harrison.
2. I think this is the worst season of either franchise (The Bachelor or The Bachelorette) that I have ever seen. JoJo's lack of ability to captivate an audience caused the producers to have to make Chad, an otherwise eye-roll inducing contestant who was eliminated rather early on, the star of the show.
3. If they don't pay Luke Pell literally anything he wants to secure him as The Bachelor, that is lunacy. That's the only possible way this could be salvaged.
4. If, by some roll of the dice, the following scenario happens, then I will be forced to resign as a member of Planet Earth and need to be immediately rocketed onto an alien planet and be left there. Scenario:
Jordan becomes the next Bachelor.
I mean it. I will pull out my eyeballs out if Chris Harrison puts me through having to listen to Robby pretend he's not a homosexual man during After The Final Rose OR makes me suffer through JORDAN as The Bachelor next season.
You guys, I might quit if that happens. I'm no quitter, but even I have limits.
And it doesn't even matter because this is what's gonna happen tonight. Ready?
JoJo spends time "thinking" on lots of "balconies" and "beach walks" and in front of lots of "mirrors."
JoJo has doubts.
The guys meet JoJo's family.
The GUYS have doubts. (Just kidding. But they should.)
JoJo cries a lot.
JoJo spends more time with the guys.
JoJo cries some more.
Chris Harrison keeps asking the audience how they feel.
JoJo worries that she "won't be able to make this choice."
The guys pick rings.
Robby painstakingly gets down on one knee and is helped back up by JoJo. And then gets dumped.
Jordan guy shows up.
JoJo cries. Gets engaged. Proceeds to be gross at After The Final Rose.
Great. Recapped. Can we all go home now?
...oh, all right.
PART ONE - JOJO SPENDS TIME THINKING.
- Lauren Bushnell is TEENY TINY. Wow. Much thinner than she was when she was on the show.
- Bachelor in Paradise, y'all. SEE?? A Chad reference right out of the freakin' gate. I'm telling you - he turned into the star of this season.
- "Someone get him a meat tray." - Chris Harrison.
- ...they're "getting to the bottom" of Jordan's very deep and personal family issues?? Damn, ABC. I forgot how soulless you are. I wonder how many times Chris Harrison is going to say "Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers" before the night is over.
- "I started with 26 guys and weeded it down to two," JoJo explains to her skeptical family members. Every parent's dream.
- So there is this show called Real Housewives of Miami, and there is a mother/daughter (Marysol and Mama Elsa) on that show who, combined, look just like JoJo's mom.
- I know. I'm not wrong about this.
- Jordan wore a T-SHIRT to meet the parents?? What the hell is wrong with these people. Seriously, that is completely gross and dumb. I would send anyone who didn't meet my parents in a collared shirt back to the car/dumpster where they BELONG.
- The flowers he brought are pretty, though.
- Hey, just for the record, "I make fun of him, he makes fun of me," shouldn't really be your selling point about your new relationship.
- ...I'm sorry. What?? He brought them random hats for everyone put on at the table?? What is happening? Did I drop acid and forget??
- He's coming off as a slimeball. Very cocky and too comfortable in this sitting. He should be deferential and respectful.
- Mama Elsa sees it.
- SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND?! Did you really just say that? You've known her for 9 weeks.
- "I think you guys are too much alike," Mama Elsa says. Read: "He's a douche and so are you."
- This is the first respectable thing he's done - not asking for permission from her dad to propose because it's ridiculous to ask something like that given that there are two guys she's banging at the same time.
- The PROBLEM is that this is a normal human reaction, not a "The Bachelor" reaction. You gotta play the game, Jordan.
- What do we think? Either she gets engaged to Jordan and they break up in 6 months, or they DON'T get engaged, leave the show as "boyfriend and girlfriend" and are together for 3 months. Anyone placing bets?
- The fact that I just saw sweet little Caila on a Bachelor in Paradise preview killssssss me. Jordan Scott (my husband) is very disappointed. She was his favorite.
PART II - Robby's stupid ass.
- At least Robby wore a collared shirt.
- DIdn't he break up with his girlfriend like two seconds ago? How is he ready to be engaged?
- The parents ask if he loves their daughter. He responds with "That's a loaded question." He meant it to be synonymous with "foregone conclusion.' ...that's not what "loaded question" means.
- Those brothers.
"Hey man, does this guy seem gay to you?"
"Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything, but totally..."
- Mama Elsa HATES Jordan.
- "My favorite thing about Robby is how he makes me feel when I'm with him." - JoJo.
Y'all, do you think she hears herself???? Her favorite thing about Robby is HER.
- I told y'all. Didn't I tell you??? The reason she's with Robby is because she feels secure and safe.
- "I don't want her broken heart to be an issue of discussion at our table." - Mama Elsa
Read: "I don't want to have to hear my daughter bitch about this show anymore."
- I love that he's asking both parents. I don't love him, but I love that.
- Did the parents just all each other "Mom" and "Dad??"
- The dad is eating out of the palm of his hand.
- Why does Robby seem sympathetic to me right now??
- OH SHIT DAD!
- HE JUST TOLD ROBBY JOJO LOVES HIM. Spoiler alert, dude.
- Awwwww, the dad's crying. That just got me.
- Damn you HARRISON YOU BASTARD. I don't like to cry at this show. It's like crying when you're ironically watching Nicholas Sparks. Never have I ever had a lower opinion of myself than crying during The Vow.
- My girlfriend just texted me that this is set in Phuket. Come on. Too many jokes.
- I mean these parents are like, "We don't approve of this show, but, phuket. Let's go with Robby."
- So JoJo had a VISCERAL reaction to the news that Jordan didn't ask her dad to marry her. Uh, wonder who she's gonna pick?
- Mama Elsa suggests that maybe she feels sorry for Robby and that's why she is attached to him. HAHAHAHAHAHA
- JoJo loves Jordan but Jordan doesn't love her and she knows it.
- You know why you are so confused, Joje? Because you don't ACTUALLY love either guy. That's like me saying I'm confused aboutdoing algebra homework or be slowly suffocated to death. I'm not confused, I don't want to do either.
PART III - EXERCISES IN FUTILITY, AKA Robby's Date
- JoJo goes on a thoughtful beach walk! Man I'm killing the game.
- "Propose to Jo." Who's Jo, Robert?? Are you talking about your girlfriend Joelle? The names. I can't.
- "Joe" is probably Robby's boyfriend.
- That boob shot. So gratuitous. Somebody was filming that. Isn't that crazy to think about? The perv who was like, "Oh yeah - NICE." And editing that. And inevitably making a GIF of them bouncing.
- Dude you are just coming on WAY too strong.
- Y'all. THIS STORY HE'S TELLING HER about their life together where she burns the meatloaf.
- This is actually physically painful to listen to. This is THE CHEESIEST THING EVER and so weird and gross and she's so clearly freaked out by it.
- IT DOESN'T GO BETTER WITH PIZZA. Full bodied white wine goes with pizza. Sauvignon blanc isn't full bodied, you GOON. Just SHUT UP ROBBY AND GO HOME.
- Since we're on this subject, it doesn't go with meatloaf either. Why did you even buy white wine to begin with?? You're having MEATLOAF. Ugh. I can't.
- Do you think he re-combed and blow dried his hair for this scene? Because it's completely perfect and they just got out of the water.
- Stop straddling him while you make out, please.
- "Before I propose to Jo." WHO IS JO.
- Robby, Please kindly go throw yourself in a fire.
- Look, I'm just going to speak for all straight women here: Guys who are desperate and needy, or worse, too available, are undesirable.
- "There's one more surprise to come," said Robby. "I'm gay. Meet Joe."
- Basically what she's saying is, "I feel important and special when I'm with Robby. I know he'll spoil me forever. I'll never have to wonder who loves who more. It doesn't matter that I don't feel the same way because he'll never stop loving me no matter what."
- Mmmhmm. I went there. Consider yourself READ like the newest Harry Potter book, Joelle.
- Teasing this "intense conversation" about "Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers" is getting to be a LEETLE much, Chris Harrison. This is worse than last year when you kept showing Ben Higgins' hometown preacher as though he and Lauren would get married on live TV.
Chris Harrison: "Are you guys ready for this shit to be over??" *Crowd cheers*
PART IV - JORDAN SUCKS
- It really is worth getting far on this show just for the stamps on your passport. They got to see some cool parts of Thailand this --
- WHY ARE THEY GOING IN THERE
- CAVE KAYAKING
- I am claustrophobic just LOOKING at them. What if the cave collapses and they're pinned and they drown!?!?!? (Is that irrational? Imagine being married to me.)
- Jordan Scott, my husband, just walked through and said, "Of course the guy doesn't care about her. He is still his number one priority."
This has been Drive By Commentary with Jordan Scott.
- JoJo then starts peppering Jordan with really subtle questions like, "What did you and my dad talk about?"
- "You know how important my family meant to me." ...is she wasted?
- Oh. She's drunk. Seriously.
- He didn't ask your dad because he doesn't actually love you. That's the answer.
- I think her family really did freak him out.
- "I thought it was important to you to ask my dad, and you know it was important to me..."
- Put two and two together, girl.
- "How does it make you feel to know that that moment is gone forever?"
- ...why is it gone forever? That's what phones are for.
- And on top of that, this show will literally helicopter anyone anywhere you want.
- Can't he do it later?!
- Why are they talking about it as though that was the only chance Jordan and and he blew it? I don't understand the logic of this conversation at all.
- Know why?
- Because THERE ISN'T ANY LOGIC. Because Jordan is 1,000% not into this relationship in a meaningful way.
- He is so full of shit. Any guy who bites his lip in the middle of the conversation is a guy who knows that women are looking at him and he's trying to be sexy. Not cute. It's not a good look.
- "If it takes me having some faith to prove to her that I care," = if that takes me putting aside my giant doubts about this relationship, proposing anyway, then finding a way to blame JoJo.
- ARE THEY GONNA MAKE CHAD THE BACHELOR
- OH MY GOSH
- IS THAT WHY THEY'VE BEEN PIMPING HIM
- DID I JUST CRACK THE CASE
- Oh wait, nevermind. He's on Bachelor in Paradise. But I haven't ruled it out. NEVER underestimate Chris Harrison.
PART V - Ring Pickin'
- Could he possibly say "Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers" one more time?!
- YES WE GOT TO SEE ROBBY STYLING HIS HAIR oh my gosh this has all been worth it.
- It's like Donald Trump's hair - mysterious. Yes. Love.
- Every single Neil Lane ring is a square or princess cut diamond in a diamond halo with baguettes. It's just like HEY THIS IS A RING FROM THE BACHELOR
- Let's take a walk down memory lane:
- IT'S THE SAME RING EVERY TIME, PEOPLE.
- Of course Jordan is calling the dad.
- Of course.
- As though that was even a question.
- I bet they paid him not to ask him during their time together and create a plot by waiting to do it because this show is so boring.
- WAIT -- JOE IS HER DAD'S NAME??
- So THAT'S Robby's boyf.
- Robby and Joe. Forever.
- So, of course, Jordan got the blessing and so he's gonna go get a ring too.
- Why is everyone calling her Joelle??
- He's writing her a letter. He has 4th grader handwriting.
- Wow - Jordan picked the only non-halo ring that Neil Lane has ever made.
- Good for you, Jordan. Good for you. This is the second thing I've been proud of you for this episode.
- So we watched her putting her shoes on, but she's now walking outside and is shoe-free. Huh.
- Now JoJo is having a meltdown about who to choose in the confessional.
- She's patting her tears dry with the back of her hand.
- You keep getting the tears and missing the snot, girl. Get the snot.
- Why does Robby have a woman's hair tie around his wrist all the times?
- Y'all, it's Jordan. It's so obvious, I feel like.
- ...the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are in the audience?? Help me. I don't get it.
- Okay, people. Here we go.
PART VI: SOMEONE GETS DUMPED
- Whoever is out of this limo first is the loser.
- Gonna be Robby.
- CALLED IT
- NAILED IT
- Oh man
- He has no idea what he's walking into.
- But girl, you can't marry a guy who wears those shoes with those socks.
- She should seriously just shoot him in the face right now. That would be less painful.
- DON'T LET HIM MAKE THE SPEECH.
- DON'T LET HIM MAKE THE SPEECH.
- DON'T LET HIM.
- THE SPEECH.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
- YOU'RE LETTING HIM MAKE THE SPEECH.
- She could be stopping him at any point.
- This is dirty and terrible.
- This is truly awful.
- The good part about all this is that Robby doesn't actually love her either - he JUST broke up with someone. Come on. He's not in love. He's in love with her boobs.
- For her to keep saying "You don't get how badly I wanted it to be you," is horrible. Does she not understand how bad that sounds?
- That's like saying this: "No matter how hard I tried, Robby, and I TRIED, okay?? I REALLY TRIED. But I can't make myself want to marry you. BUT I REALLY WANTED TO."
- So she put on those shoes in her room just for the shot? Then took them off immediately? 'Cause girl, you barefoot.
- Also, you sunburned.
- "I gotta go." - Robby.
- Dramatic ridiculousness. Get in the car. Muss your hair. Fix your shoes. Come out of the closet. Carry on.
PART VII: Someone gets picked.
- ormally it would be a deal-breaker to have JUST broken up with someone on the day you get engaged. Like, "Yeah I'll marry you but just FYI I also may have told someone else I'm in love with them today. Just in the spirit of full disclosure. But YES I'LL MARRY YOU!! "
- Unbotton your jacket Jordan you dweeb.
- They deserve each other
- I mean this KIND OF feels genuine and everything but I still hate it on principle because both these people are obsessed with themselves.
- HER SHOES ARE BACK ON
- SHOES BACK ON
- So she put her shoes back on for the guy whose proposal she accepted.
- Good to know. If the shoes ain't on, it ain't happening.
- This is the fifth time someone has said GREENBAYPACKERSQUARTERBACKAARONRODGERS END IT SOMEONE END IT
After The Final Rose
- Somehow Robby's teeth got even whiter.
- The rosette and the tie, y'all. I actually cannot even say how much I hate this.
- "In developing the feelings I had for Joe..." - Robby
- Robby doesn't understand what "Loaded question" means. It doesn't mean "foregone conclusion." It doesn't mean "goes without saying." It means "tricky to answer," or "trap."
- You've got questions, Robert? No, I'VE got a question - who told you to wear that rosette and tie together?
- This dress is much better than her dress with Ben which I still maintain looks like the Lorax looking through the shutter.
- "And I know you were on the same level with me."
- ...she wasn't on the same level. You were going to propose and she was going to say no.
- "For closure purposes" should be the name of Robby's inevitable post-Bachelor biography.
- Poor guy. She really is beating a dead horse about how much she loves Jordan and preferred him over Robby.
- Of course Jordan is primping in the mirror before coming out. Of. Course.
- Ashley I. and JoJo are wearing the same thing.
- I love that Harrison is acknowledging that she's a shitty Bachelorette.
- "You guys seem to have faced a lot of flack - people saying that you aren't genuine, that you are just in it for the publicity.
- "Last year, when Ben and Lauren got engaged, people rallied around them. And people seem to be attacking you guys."
- "I mean, just look at Ben! He was awesome! People LOVED he and Lauren. What do you think is wrong with you??"
- I wonder how it felt for Jordan to hear his "future wife's" family wholeheartedly pick Robby. Just thought about that.
- There are already cracks in the foundation of this relationship. This is gonna go up in smoke in a matter of months. I'll say 9, but part of me thinks it'll be a year because they can't keep the ring unless they make it for a year.
- This is completely Chris Harrison at his best. "Hey guys, look at all this shit people are saying about you. Look at this tabloid. Does it make you mad? Does it? Does it? Does it???"
- Side note, this "Ben and Lauren" show is just insane. About as interesting as this:
- Holy QUESTION EVASION.
- Harrison asks him about Aaron and he gives a very weird and jumbled response. I'm sure some PR guy gave him a stock answer to use, but good grief, he botched it.
Transcript of Jordan's response to the Aaron question:
"Anything with my family -- you know, JoJo's been a part of my family and any conversation we have about that. Moving forward, are with us and about us and we're excited about starting that journey with our families. And I'll be in Dallas closer to her family, so we're excited about that."
- Wow he's pissed.
- Gah that was a reeeeeeeeal tense moment. Jordan did not love that.
- In closing, Ben Higgins still can't SHAVE THAT FREAKING BEARD.
Well people, another season has come and gone. I have to say...this season is not one I'm sad to see go. You can never tell at the beginning what kind of season it will be, but this one was profoundly boring, sloppy, badly produced and more superficial than usual.
Now let's all watch Bachelor in Paradise together and relax at the fact that absolutely NO ONE, including the contestants, take that smut seriously.
Until next season, I'm faithfully your Bachelor correspondent,