First of all, thanks to the blogging community for being patient over the last couple of days with my deatbeat-ness. Sometimes, you run up against a week that just owns you, and this was one of them. However, I haven't run out of opinions, of course.
Let's talk about some things. (As usual, credit for this concept goes to the hilarious Mollie Erickson).
Dear Instagram,
Hi. I see that you have upgraded your situation to now feature "stories." I feel like there was already a social media service doing that. Instagram, you are stressing me out. Do you know how much pressure we all already feel to keep up with everyone's Snap stories, Instagram photos, Facebook feeds, and Tweets? Have you ANY IDEA how much of my day is spent speed-scrolling through these various mediums, barely even enjoying it, but doing it to make sure I've seen every single picture? You're making this REALLY complicated, Instagram. I haven't used your new feature yet. I'm mad at you for adding it. But I'm also scared I'm gonna like it and I can't deal with another "thing" to pay attention to. Tell your other social media platform friends to CHILL OUT because this is TOO FREAKIN' MUCH. Sincerely, An Addict. DNR - JTI.
Dear Presidential Election Cycle,
Are you over yet? I am so, so tired of you. If I'm using my "feeling words," you make me sad and mad. Please hurry up. Goodbye. DNR - JTI.
Dear Retail Customers,
I know you think you are being helpful by putting your own selections back on the racks after you've tried them on, and I appreciate the sentiment. What you're actually doing is creating a game of "needle in a haystack," in which retail employees must dig through the piles to find and correctly re-hang the item you've replaced. It's a lot. Just put those thangs on the "rejects" table and don't feel a darn bit bad about it. DNR - JTI.
Dear President Obama,
This morning I scrolled through an article about how much you love kids. It made me really happy. This isn't the first time I've gotten nostalgic about you lately - in the midst of all this turmoil and insanity, I am reeeeeeeeeeeeeally going to miss having a President who is such a dynamic public speaker and a charming personality. However people feel about your time in office, one thing that's hard to deny is how charismatic and awesome you are. One of my friends referred to you as "Season 8 Obama," implying that you have turned on an extra special level of frankness and swagger in this final chapter of your administration. I agree. I love you. I'm going to miss you so much. DNR - JTI. (But respond if you want, sir - I'm not trying to tell you what to do.)
Dear Produce,
Please stay fresh for longer than a week. I know, I am a complete lame-o and should've already cooked with you. But sometimes I'm tired and I just want to eat cereal for dinner. Is there a spell I can cast to make you stay fresh forever? Let me know. Especially you, brussels sprouts. You're stinkin' up my fridge. DNR - JTI.
Dear Chad from The Bachelorette,
Go ahead and be The Bachelor already. I feel it coming. I know it's gonna happen. I just KNOW IT. Don't get me wrong, I don't want it to happen. I want Luke to be The Bachelor (although I also simultaneously don't, because I want him to run far away from this franchise because he's #toogooforthisshow). But I feel like that rat Chris Harrison is going to do it. You are ratings gold, though I'm growing weary of the "is he or isn't he" game. Let's cut to the chase, Harrison. DNR - JTI.
Dear Self Tanner,
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY BACK???? How. How. Somebody explain this to me. Because right now, I have two big stripes on my shouler blades because MY HANDS CAN'T REACH THAT FAR. I guess I could just not use it, but then I'd also not be able to go outside because my lily white skin would scorch people's retinas and I'd be responsible for hospital bills. We can give people face transplants - we should have the technology to evenly apply tanning foam to a person's back. DNR - JTI. (Actually, please respond because this is so annoying.)
Dear Weekend,
Hello. I love you. Let's hold hands. Never leave me. DNR - JTI.