First, some context.
This weekend, Jordan and I are headed to the east Tennessee to camp for two nights and white water raft on the Ocoee. We're meeting my brother Parker and his girlfriend, Emily, and I am jumping out of my skin with excitement to see them.
But I'm a little scared, people. I have been camping exactly once. I was about 11 years old, and it rained so hard and so long that night that our tents collapsed in on themselves.
So, as you can imagine, it was a real pleasure of a trip.
I am definitely not the kind of person who imagines the worst-case scenarios (HAHAHA yes I am), so don't worry, I haven't thought of everything that could go wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen, in no particular order, my camping fears.
1. I (or others) get eaten by a wild animal.
Just like this scene from The Parent Trap in which Meredith gets eaten by this lizard.
Guess what? We live in the woods. And bears are particularly active this year. And we're gonna have a bunch of food. Out. On the ground. Guess where we're sleeping? Also on the ground. I'm going to get mauled by a bear. Don't we need some kind of whistle? Horn? Spaceship? Something?
2. Creatures bite me all night long.
Now listen, I take pride in not being scream-y and girl-y about bugs (except ticks and roaches). I don't lose it when I see a spider - I just help it back outside where it belongs.
But y'all, mosquitoes LOVE ME. As in, once I went out in workout leggings that were mesh in the back. I put bug spray all over my body except on the backs of my legs, because, what mosquito is going to bite THROUGH mesh? None, right?? Wrong. I got 13 bites in a the half hour I was outside.
I'm basically going to be The Mummy at the end of the movie. #mynightmare.
3. No sleep.
Let me confess something to you that I'm ashamed to admit: I have become a pretty finicky sleeper.
I wish this wasn't true, but it is. Also, I think I just officially realized that I am O L D.
I like the house to be 70 degrees, I need exactly the right pillows, and a sound machine needs to be on. I know. I hate myself a little bit.
But in the woods, you don't have a sound machine. You hear every snapping twig and hooting owl and scooting bug and grumbling bear and slithering 35-foot snake. And, you know, you're sleeping on the ground. Although Jordan did get some sleeping pads. Maybe I'll take some Tylenol PM? But then what happens if I'm too asleep and don't hear the werewolves approaching me? And then I'm too groggy to wake up and run away?
Thanks a lot, Tylenol PM.
I mean, you had to be waiting for this one, right? I'm pretty much 1,000% positive that we will get murdered. I think that's a totally reasonable fear.
Jordan does carry a large knife on camping trips, though, so maybe that'll help. Maybe he can Mick Dundee the scary meth-head who lives in the woods and is going to come kill us and eat our bones.
5. We run out of s'mores.
The most grave and terrifying fear of all. Unlike Toby, who is widely regarded as THE WORST, I will never say, "No more s'mores." Never.
Jordan made a grocery run earlier this week, which was super kind and awesome, but also means that he got normal amounts of food. For s'mores, he got 4 Hershey's bars, a bag of marshmallows, and a box of graham crackers. That's right right amount of food, except you need about 7 more Hershey's bars. I'll go get them.
I know I know I KNOW everything is actually going to be fine and it's going to be really fun. I'm just being stupid. I don't want to end up like those Naked and Afraid contestants shivering alone in the woods and fighting off mountain lions while night-vision cameras watch impartially.
OH MY GOSH DO NOT GOOGLE NAKED AND AFRAID GIFS. Don't. Do not. Do not do it. There is porn in there. WHY?!? I MEANT THE TV SHOW!!! People are disgusting!
Okay. Anyway, I'm going to wrap up this blog post in which I basically word vomited all over you and say that I'll report back first thing Monday with a full report of how our weekend went.
Who knows? I might have turned a real Outdoor Girl. But probably not.
Hope Jordan remembers to bring my faux fur and my air conditioned tent. #beverlyhillswhatathrill