Week 5.

February 1, 2017 Mary Catherine Scott

I'm gonna go on record as saying that I hope that Taylor gets her ass handed to her. Corinne is an 8-car pileup but Taylor is annoying as hell.

PART -I: Rose Ceremony AKA Taylor and Corinne Showdown:

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THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M F-CKING TALKING ABOUT, YOU DUMB BITCH.
Oh my gosh Corinne is the hero of this season.
The other girls discuss the massacre that's taking place:

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Or, written phonetically: "Azzhee end uhda day? We're owall heah for the same reason."
How is Dolphinshark one of the most entertaining girls on this show and we've barely gotten to know her??
Corinne has turned this entire argument on its ear by coming out from behind and punching Taylor in the head with DARK HORSE DEBATE SKILLS.

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What an amazing display of manipulation.
And then she drops THE BIG ONE:

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If Corinne can pull this off and get Taylor eliminated, I am going to bow at the feet of the most successful Bachelor villain of all time. Because she will have convinced Nick to kick someone of the show by basically using her boobies.
Okay, rose ceremony.
I bet Sweet Sarah is going home. I'm going to be so sad! I love her!
WHO IS WHITNEY????

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Why did Chris Harrison insist that they have this rose ceremony in the arctic?? Every time someone speaks their breath looks like they're in the water at the end of Titanic.

Spoiler alert: she does let go.
If they cut to Taylor one more freakin' time and she has that stupid look on her face. Will someone just punch her in the head and get it over with??

Dophinshark keeps advancing! Man what a curveball!
KEEP SARAH YOU IDIOT.
UGH I KNEW IT.

She's precious and that was a mistake, but whatever. He's a dumb dumb so it's not a surprise.
And they're headed to New Orleans. Or, as Nick pronounces it, "Norr-land."

PART I: One-on-one.

Part of me thinks this season is so good because Chris Harrison knew he had a lot of making up to do from last season. I mean Joje was fine or whatever but that season was boring and full of guys who were probably gay. This season has Corinne, haunted houses, and Dolphinshark. I really feel spoiled.
Date card:

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...is it terrible that I'm shocked Hoxie knew how to pronounce "beignet" correctly??
Rachel's self-perception is about as warped as Kanye's, except in the reverse direction. She doesn't think she's nearly as good as she is. Why are you still here, Rachel? You are SO too good for this.
Okay yeah seriously though this is a great date.
Okay wow this is a REALLY good date.
THIS IS VERY CUTE.

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But REALLY. This is the best date I've ever seen on The Bachelor. And it's not just because of the activities. It's because Rachel is the highest quality person to have EVER BEEN ON THIS STUPID SHOW.
I'm having a hard time with it because I hate him so much.
Rachel has it bagged. The end. The show is over.
The Dinner No One Eats date takes place in a warehouse where Mardi Gras floats are stored, AKA my actual nightmare.

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They're already talking about meeting each other's families.
He is smiling like an idiot. Y'all. She's gotta win.
The drunker he gets the spittier his "s" gets.

Like they genuinely look like they've fallen in love.

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I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I'll marry her, Nick!!!

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Aaaaaaaaand THAT'S THE SHOW! Tune in next season for Vanessa as The Bachelorette!!
Just kidding. Kinda.

PART II: Group date.

Tits McGee looks very different without makeup.
Wait wait wait there are three girls wearing white shirts and jeans/jean shorts?

They're all trying not to stand next to each other hahahahahaha.

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That's our Hoxie!
We meet "Boo," the caretaker of this old and creepy house, who was apparently hired from the local theater company 'cause his acting is about as good as Taylor's:

Second time I've gotten to use this GIF this season:

We are also introduced to Tall Danielle's bralette which I find to be very poorly styled:

Meanwhile, back at the hotel:

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Oh my gosh I COULD NOT LOVE HER MORE.
Can we just name all the things she ordered from room service??

Caesar salad.
Wings.
"Cheese pasta" AKA mac and cheese.
A giant steak.
Mashed potatoes.
Creme brulee.
A giant slice of some kind of chocolate cake with raspberry sauce.
Bread pudding? Maybe? Something else, though, for sure.

And Taylor prepares for the date by doing...this?

"I'm just going to meditate here in front of the mirror." Normal.

Back at the "haunted' "mansion:

You guys I'm gonna be really honest, this date bored me to tears. The only significant part was that Hoxie told him she loved him and he acted like a toenail.

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By some miracle, Tall and Boring Danielle gets the rose. THE END GET ME OUTTA THIS CHEESY ASS TOURIST TRAP.

PART III: Two-on-one.

So....um, this whole date feels vaguely racist?

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Yeah this is about as authentic as that time Angela dressed up as Voodoo Mama Juju.

Corinne gets a little alone time with Nick and tells him that Taylor called her stupid.
Taylor get alone time with Nick and defends herself by insisting that Corinne IS stupid.

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But it's cool.

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Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. If you're gonna call someone crazy, you better know that you've got the guy in your pocket first. Otherwise...

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So wait...he dumped her, hugged her, she walked off, then he left with Corinne on a boat??
YEESSSSSSS, THIS SEASON - YES!!!
Wait...what is happening?
A mental health counselor is letting a hired ABC cast of "voodoo tribe members" rub her down with baby oil?
Girl if you weren't awful before, now we know you have bad enough judgment to let the producers convince you to do this shit. Off with your head.

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'Til next week, my little cheese pastas.