- Hoxie is might sound unintelligent but she's sharp, and I appreciate the fact that she's representing strong-accented Southern people well.
- Nick and Harrison have a conversation on a beach...with about 300 other tourists, hahahahahaha ABC you're stupid. Don't try to convince me this is a nice resort.
- Can I just ask right now why any of these girls are sticking around to let Nick decide whether he can scrape himself together to keep dating them?
- Nick and his shorts come in to reassure everyone that he will, in fact, fight through the pain and continue to date seven beautiful women.
- What a martyr.
PART I: One-on-one.
None of these bitches had ever heard of Bimini before this.
- WOW Danielle is tall. How have I not noticed that?
- In a curveball, Vanessa gets a second one-on-one.
- Vanessa throws some expert-level shade by rubbing her second one-on-one in in front of Corinne. And this is why (hot take alert) I am not Team Vanessa.
- I am Team Rachel.
- (Well really, I'm Team Rachel Please Run Away This Show Will Destroy Your Soul, although it looks like that's DEFINITELY not happening, but you know what I mean.)
- Rachel and Corinne are friends, you guys. That says something good about Corinne, right?
- I don't even care. I love Corinne.
- On their date, Nick starts with a bunch of REALLY confusing stuff:
- I may not like Nessy, but that body is slammin'. DAYUM.
- Few things bother me more than when girls show up in cocktail dresses and guys show up in daggum T-SHIRTS.
- Vanessa drops the L bomb.
- And he responds by...making a really long, strange speech.
- Vanessa isn't supercharged about the whole interaction.
- It's like his goal is to speak in relationship code to her.
- I would say that did not go well.
PART II: GROUP DATE.
- Oh, honey. You bringing Nick to Hoxie is the last time you'll see him. He'll roll in wearing a v-neck and pre-ripped jeans, and the people of Hoxie will be all,
- ABC treats us to some gratuitous sunscreen slathering.
- Then Hoxie treats us to yet another colorful threat of violence.
- Seriously though, this seems pretty dangerous. They're just swimming in open water with sharks while wearing flippers?? Hope no one nicked themselves in the shower this morning...
I need to take a moment during this date to make some predictions.
- Jordan and I decided that Kristina might win this show. If not her, then Vanessa.
- And, apparently, Rachel will be The Bachelorette, so she'll go home this week.
- Corinne and Hoxie are going home this week.
Okay. Back to your regularly scheduled bitchery.
- OH MAN that's what his hair looks like wet?!?! Deal breaker.
- Later on the date, he sits down with Kristina.
- Wait. He's crying AGAIN?? It's getting to be a bit much.
- To be clear, Nick is crying about having to choose among six hot, smart women to a person who has literally eaten lipstick because her family had no food in the cabinets.
Meanwhile, back at the tropical cabana...
- Danielle goes Exorcist over the date card.
- Seriously though, what's the appeal? Have we just not been allowed to see her personality?
- Cause I'm asleep, Danielle. I'M ASLEEP.
Back on the date...
- WHAAAAAAT????? WOW.
- Oh, well, of course. Now that I've stopped to think about it, It all makes sense now. Hoxie is going to be a ridiculous ratings machine because it will be full of hill people. Of course she got the rose.
PART III: One-on-one.
- I guess my major complaint about her is that everything out of her mouth is in the voice and language of a cute 8-year old.
- This season, on the most dramatic and racist date yet, we're supposed to be charmed by white people Nick and Danielle playing basketball with non-white children.
- Conversation between these two grinds to a halt, unsurprisingly.
- Oh RIGHT I forgot she has a dead fiance.
- "The last time I was in love with someone, they died."
- Oh don't worry Danielle. He's not gonna die, he's just gonna humiliate you on national television.
- Oh please cry again., Nick. Definitely show us how hard this is for YOU.
- Good for her for having the balls to just say what every girl has always thought.
- Poor thing.
PART IV: Corinne's Platinum Vagine
- I love ya girl, but that was the best you could do with your hair?
- This is already my favorite part of the episode.
- Oh. My. Gosh.
- Corinne, I love you. #teamcorn
- I can't believe I'm saying this, but it looks like Nick has actually learned some lessons on this show. So he pumps the brakes until the episode when, you know, they actually are allowed to have sex for millions of viewers.
- Corinne leaves, upset, and we discover she absolutely canNOT walk in heels.
- She also bypasses the sliding glass doors in favor of the push door.
- She's a fascinating creature.
PART V: One-one-one.
Okay so if Rachel is announcing she's The Bachelorette tonight, she has to leave the show tonight. The variable is HOW she's going to leave. Right? Am I crazy?
- Oh my gosh she is an angel from heaven and literally always looks perfect.
- I really want to have that skirt please.
- Oh I'm sure they're just WILD about the television crew.
- Blah blah blah, they have a perfect date but I can't get invested because it's already come out that Rachel is the Bachelorette.
- Okay so if Hoxie gets a hometown date, that probably means Corinne does too. Because you KNOW Chris Harrison wants us to meet Raquel.
- Nick surprises everyone with a tearful goodbye, but not to Rachel...
- ...to Kristina.
- I feel like someone predicted this last episode...
- Which is all I have because obviously I was W R O N G about everything else this episode, shit.
- Vanessa is conspicuously absent from the "comforting Kristina" party.
- Kristina was so sweet. Her lil' cheese cube self. RIP Kristina. You deserve better.
This episode was a slog, you guys. But hometowns are next week, and if anything has ever been entertaining, it's hometowns.
See you in Hoxie, kids.