Fetch or Wretch: Grammys 2017.

The Grammys, similar to the VMA's, marks the time when famous musicians let their freak flags fly. Boobs, sideboobs, underboobs, bellybuttons, underwear - we get to see it all! 

In honor of that, there will be no Fetch or Wretch columns this morning (because almost everyone is Wretch - spoiler alert!). Instead, there will be drive-by commentary on almost everyone. 

Let's get to gettin': 


Looks great and was totally endearing last night. Her acceptance speech where she basically Kanye'd herself into thanking Beyonce was precious and probably kept her from getting dragged in the blogs this morning since everyone with ears knows Beyonce should've won Album of the Year. Anyway, Adele, you nailed it. Would've liked a bolder lip, but that's it. 

J Lo

Giving us Angelina Jolie leg and looking like she put an Easter dress through a life-size shredder. J Lo, you're better than this dress. WAY better. But as always, you're also giving us #face. 

Katy Perry

Caterpillar! Half-worm! Cousin It! Snake while molting! Partially digested pipe cleaner! 

In other words, what the hell, Katy Perry?? 


She looks like the official spokesperson of Halloween. She's also one lift of her arms away from exposing both her bare breasts, as that top has no underwire and is just laying on her body. Riri, I love you girl, and I'm all for your bold choices, but this is a mess. Send that top back to an NFL cheerleader where it belongs. 

Lady Gaga

And speaking of underboob, WOW. She's really carrying that whole "shoulderpads only" thing from the Superbowl into her schtick. And if anyone gets too close, she can just shoot them with one of the poison darts on her forearms. 


Well this is pretty fabulous. Giving me "under the sea" vibes. Next. 

Demi Lovato

Somebody please wake me up with the naked dress trend is over. I feel like my eyeballs are rotting. It's been three years of this stuff. I mean, your bod looks great, but I'm distracted by the dark spot in your crotch where your bodysuit ends. And I don't think "I'm distracted by the dark spot in your crotch," was the reaction you were hoping for. 

Cee Lo Green

Taraji P. Henson

I think we should just all agree to pretend this never happened. Taraji honestly doesn't even look like she knows where she is. We know you are much too fabulous for this cheap looking, too-tight thing, girl. We'll keep walking and we'll never speak of this again.

Chrissy Teigen 

Like I said, wake me up when this is over. 

Andra Day

I have no idea who Andra Day is, but this is some serious old lady styling. Starting with the random flowers in her hair, I'm getting Phaedra from Real Housewives of Atlanta at her baby shower (anyone? anyone??), followed by a sherbet colored dress that makes me want some ice cream, and then some slippers everyone's grandmother has. Her head screams Priscilla Presley but her feet scream, "Murder She Wrote!" 

Lea Michele

Shhhhhhhhhhhh. Everybody lower your voices. Don't look directly at her. This is a Lea Michele, and it's really a treat that we get to see one today. They're very rare. Normally, Lea Micheles wear lots and lots of makeup and have sex hair, but it seems today we've found one that is going for a natural look. Without her makeup, she's very vulnerable and frightened, so no sudden movement. You can take pictures, but make sure there isn't a flash. She also seems to be unaware that her dress is see-through and her black underwear is pretty prominent. Good, everyone. Now, walk away slowly...

Charli XCX

🎶 You’ll love David’s Bridal! 🎶


...P!nk? Is that you? 

Erika Jayne

QUEEEEEEEEN. I love her so so so so so much. I'm not even mad that she's yet another person wearing a Balmain dress with a topknot. I don't care. LOVE YOU GIRL CAN'T WAIT 'TIL THE RECORD DROPS!! 

Kristen Cavallari's Sternum

That's all. 

Giuliana Rancic

Can't decide if she wants to be a saloon girl or Kim Kardashian. And neither is working. 


That's right, ENYA's ass is still around. Why did I think she'd be a lot younger than this? Mother of the bride. Who also wore white and now the bride hates her. Sail away, Enya. 

Joy Villa

Let's hope whoever this is is making an ironic political statement? This is hideous. 

And to close with some truly crazy:

Girl Crush

No idea who this is but I appreciate the fact that she WENT FOR IT. Even her bag has gumballs on it. Get it, weirdo. You are the reason this is fun.