So I read this thing the other day about how Vanessa sucks and is mean to everyone, and all I could think was:
The Case of the Missing Orgasm: Part II
- Nick and Raven wake up in a tiny snowglobe.
- "This girl's about to be screwed up forever." - My husband.
- How great would it be if Vanessa and Rachel were just in those other huts waiting on him??
- ...did we just watch an orgasm montage??
PART II: Snow Angel
- Where's Waldo, you guys?
- Nailed it.
- So I guess this is the episode where Rachel goes home?
- Seriously though, I really hope he doesn't sleep with her then send her home. I know that's always what happens on this date, but Rachel is too good to do this.
- Rachel, adorably, cannot cross country ski.
- They go to a reindeer petting zoo and I'm super jealous because this looks awesome.
- After the reindeer experience, they head inside for some hot beverages and dance around telling each other they love each other.
- A rogue, unmanned reindeer carries Nick and Rachel away in a sleigh.
- That reindeer is all, "Makin' my way downtown..."
- CROP TOP IN THE SNOW come on now girl. You know I'm on your side but that is just ri-damn-diculous.
- Then the cutest moment I've ever seen happens:
- HOW is it possible that he didn't pick her?? That's THE SWEETEST moment ever.
- Like the only way that this doesn't turn out perfectly is if she Kim Basinger's him in the fantasy suite.
- Of. COURSE. she has on the most presh onesie I've ever seen in my life and isn't wakin' up in underwear like some 2-bit skank.
- Damn right you will make her breakfast. She is OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, you peasant.
- If it's Rachel who goes tonight, this is gonna hurt. But it can't be. It can't be, right?
PART III - Canadian Bacon.
- Now that's romantic.
- Polar plunge, blah blah blah, seen it a million times...
- Me and this baby sloth are so bored you guys.
- In the hot tub, Nick and Vanessa use the word "traditional" over and over.
- Nick asks Vanessa if there are things she isn't willing to compromise on and she says lunch with her family every Sunday. In Montreal. So THAT'S gonna be an expensive plane ticket.
- Just saying Rachel and Raven got the short end of the sticks being shoved in those tiny houses while Vanessa got a full-on insulated teepee.
- They talk about how similar they are, about Canada, about America, about stubbornness, and then she says:
- "I've been looking for someone who makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world that exists except for his two other girlfriends."
- Also, didn't she already say, "I love you?" Am I crazy? Why is this confession a big deal? Wasn't she like the first one to say it?
- This date's making my eyes bleed, but I just saw this photo of Dolphinshark and it made everything okay.
- They eventually make it to the fantasy suite and and are basically a tangled jumble of ribbed sweaters:
- And the next morning...
- OH MY GOSH SKANK DOGGY DOG. HOLY COWWWWWWWW.
- I mean keep in mind, people, producers came into this house and said, "Can we put you guys underneath a blanket naked?" And she was like, "Yeah, cool." Gross. Pass.
PART IV: Rose ceremony.
- At least we're finally ending an episode of this show with a rose ceremony like GOD INTENDED.
- Okay y'all, hot take: I think that Hoxie's going home tonight. I know we know who wins, but I think ABC will still manage to make Rachel and Vanessa a dramatic finale.
- Because WHY would she go home??
- I could start a new blog called, "Nick Viall crying."
- Okay so this clearly means that producers manipulated him into making this choice so that Rachel could be the first Black Bachelorette. That may sound callous to you, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that things like this happen on this show on the REG.
- Good grief she is poised.
- Never in my wildest did I think I'd see the day where perfect Rachel got sent home for the sake of Hoxie and Canada.
- ...then again, this is the most completely twisted TV show.
- Okay so my guess is this is how this went: Harrison and other producers pulled Nick and Rachel into a room and said,
"Listen. If you guys know right now with 100% certainty that you are perfect for each other, then fine. But if you have any doubts, Rachel, we'd like to offer you a contract as The Bachelorette on the spot. So it's your call."
- That's the only reason that breakup was so amicable and didn't result in Rachel being completely side-swiped and confused.
- In closing, this show is brain poison and we all deserve to be dumber for watching it.
- WE LOVE YOU RACHEL. See you on The Bachelorette.