Let me start by linking this, which is a 40 minute podcast I made my husband do with me about last week's episode of The Bach. I know what you're thinking - "I don't know MC's husband, why would I want to listen to this?" At the risk of inflating his ego, he's actually kind of hysterical. Trust me.
NOW then. Let's get down to business. (If you didn't finish that line by singing, "To defeat the Huns!" then I'm through with you.)
PART I - ONE-ON-ONE:
We start here:
- The girls freak out about being schlepped to Las Vegas, International Capital of "Oh SNAP! I GOT MARRIED LAST NIGHT!?" Romantic, right?
- Even the great Britney Spears had a marriage that didn't last in Vegas. Although she now is a performer in residence there, so she came out on top of that deal.
- Haley and Emily freak out with excitement because they're headed back to their hometown, not realizing that the prospect of each of them getting a 1x1 DEFINITELY means that they're going to be the 2x1 date. Silly girls, Vegas is for ruthlessly tearing sisters apart.
- Lauren H. is adorable but her accent is getting a little obnoxious, no? (I am fully aware that my accent would cause people to feel the same way.)
- Ben H. gives the date card to JoJo, a dark horse who (in my bracket, at least) is going to go pretty far.
- Olivia rattles on for a while about how excited she is that she and Ben are soulmates.
- The fact that Ben Higgins is pulling out all of these small planes and helicopters makes him one of the smoothest bachelors in history...
- ...oh, right. Nevermind. Nice guy, though!
- Olivia continues to talk crazy. I'm not even going to deal with it at this moment because I feel like she's going to explode later in this episode, so we'll get to it.
- Except for this, which proves to me that Olivia came on this show in order to get famous and have a D-list celebrity career afterwards. She'll be hawking teeth whiteners on Instagram a la Tanner, Jade, and Ashley I. in NO TIME. I'll put $100 down right now that she ends up on Bachelor in Paradise.
- Jojo and Ben sit on the couch and have real talk, which seems very normal and good. She admits that she's been cheated on by dirtbags, and Ben assures her that he is not a dirtbag. While awkwardly holding onto her arm.
- Wait, she ALREADY has the rose?? Is this the shortest 1x1 ever??
- Okay...well, sure. He digs her.
- Fireworks, making out, blah blah blah.
- WAIT - Emily and Haley are both on the group date? Dadgum - I was so wrong! Okay - let's group date.
PART II - GROUP DATE.
- The girls are obviously going to perform in some sort of Vegas showcase, which, I'm not even going to lie, is 100% my dream date.
- ...except they're performing with puppets? OH. Nevermind.
- The twins plan their dance talent and I bet they're going to look something like that emoji:
- God. Bless. Lauren. H. If she doesn't get the rose after this, I will be angry for her.
- Of COURSE my girl Jubilee plays the cello because she is a BAMF.
- ABC tries to convince us that Olivia has some sort of hidden talent that she's going to pull. I predict that Olivia's real talent is just going to be flopping around on the stage like a weirdo.
- I really can't deal with ANY of this. First of all, Olivia, if you keep pulling your face down to put eyeliner on your waterline, your skin is going to lose its elasticity in a hurry. Just a tip from me to you, girl.
- The girls all perform - twins are solid, Jubilee is the best, there is actually a girl who bounces on a pogo stick and catches food in her mouth. Come on, Chris Harrison. DRAW THE LINE.
- Olivia then proceeds to have a meltdown because she knows she looked like an idiot and thinks she lost control of how Ben perceives her...
- ...while Amber continues to throw unnecessary shade. Every week, she shows a new and meaner side of herself. I really hope she goes home this week. I prefer crazy over mean any day.
- Single Mom Amanda sounds EXACTLY like Emily Maynard of Bachelor seasons past.
- Caila and company try to get Ben's attention at the cocktail party, and Caila does a pretty dang good job.
- So in mine and Jordan's podcast, I said that Ben has 0% game. But Jordan said that Ben's game is acting like he has no game, which is the most successful game of all. And damn it, I think he's right. Because he talked to a girl WITH A PUPPET ON HIS HAND and then got kissed anyway.
- Cue Olivia making the classic girl mistake of over-explaining. Did you do something embarrassing? Okay. Just let it lie. It probably wasn't that big a deal. It's the same concept as having to explain why a joke is funny. If you have to follow up a joke with, "Get it?? Because ________," the joke is dead. Leave it alone.
- Lauren B. has some one-on-one time with Ben and admits that she's having feelings that are so strong that she is uncomfortable. It's weird because I feel like someone called that this was going to happen...
- Olivia comes back and wrecks time with Emily in the. most. awkward. way.
- But it doesn't matter, because Lauren B. is the ultimate fighting champion.
PART III: ONE ON ONE:
- Okay, so now it's Becca's turn. She gets a giant dress box which I can only imagine is...CURVEBALL. A wedding gown.
- Never in one million years would I have ever put on a wedding gown before I got married. I don't think I'm very superstitious, but that just seems like really bad luck.
- My anxiety level was up even though I knew that they weren't actually getting married. Still - this show is crazy.
- FIX YOUR COLLAR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
- We then get to bear witness to an oddly sweet Vegas wedding ceremony, though you have to question the strength of a relationship where both parties agree to be married on The Bachelor. But still. They seemed sweet.
- Also, I have to say...I don't know why, but I kind of don't like Becca. Am I alone here? There's something about her that really rubs me the wrong way. I think on Chris' season, I really thought she was a down-to-earth Cool Girl, but since she's doing her second stint on this show, she just feels a little...desperate?
- The pair travels from the wedding ceremony to a neon museum.
- Gah, Becca does have great hair though, doesn't she?
- This is a first for Bachelor territory - I think Ben and Becca share an evangelical streak and have a sex talk. I do think that Ben will be wooed by this because he and Becca come from a place of similar beliefs.
- Y'all...I think he likes her a lot. And vice versa.
- Man oh man. I had Becca not making it to the top 2, but now I'm thinking she may win the show. UGH, MY BRACKET IS DOOMED.
PART IV - SURPRISE 2X1 YESSSSS
- OH MY GOSH I'M RIGHT HE'S GOING TO DO A 2X1. You guys. I am crushing the predictions.
- Come on now, did they have to dress alike??
- Haley (the twin I think he'll send home) has pictures of her ex-boyfriend all. over. her room.
- And then Emily pulls a totally cutthroat move and tries to manipulate his choice by trashing her sister.
- Also, did she break her thumb??
- BYE HALEY. I am scoring over and over again today, you guys. Just call me Cam Newton.
PART V - ROSE CEREMONY
- Sweet Jennifer AKA Perfect Stranger pulls Ben aside and talks to him for maybe the first time?
- Aaaaaand then Olivia steals him and officially FREAKS BEN OUT.
- Just to twist the knife, Olivia finds JoJo and tells her that Ben told her he loved her. I have to say, I knew she would unravel, but I didn't think it would happen this soon.
- And then makes a face that every single mean girl has made since the dawn of time.
- I think that Ben is charmed (for now) by Jujubee's humility, but I think if she keeps this up week after week, he's going to tire of re-assuring her that she's awesome. They need to be able to talk about something other than her insecurities, because she is THE BEST. Calm down, Juj.
- I feel like Ben wants to send Olivia home because he saw the crazy behind her eyes, but we all know that the production team wouldn't let that happen. Ratings, people. RATINGS. But I do bet that Amber is GONE. Let's watch:
ROSES: JoJo, Lauren B., Becca, Emily, Amanda/Emily Maynard, Lauren H., Jubilee (YES), Caila, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia.
ELIMINATED: Haley, Amber (NAILED IT), Rachel.
Ben looks upset, but his harem is here to comfort him:
Stay tuned for next week's show wherein Ben inevitably regrets letting the producers talk him into keeping Olivia, and where we get a week free from Amber's hatefulness.