I'm coming off one of the best birthdays I can remember, so I am caffeinated, happy, and ready to rock. LET'S MOTOR.
Watching it live and recapping it live, just like last week.
PART I - ONE ON ONE.
- We open with Single Mom Amanda and Lauren B. talking some early-morning smack. I think the "it" they're referring to is Olivia.
- "I know things are gonna get intense and emotional, but that's why we're here." Thanks, Chris Harrison, for reminding us that even the producers know what an a stupid show this is.
- Lauren B., aka "Stranger 1" from last week, wins the 1x1 in a curveball move. This is the girl who received a photo from Ben at the last rose ceremony.
- "What's keeping me going are the little glimpses I get to see him before taking other women on dates." ...Caila, girl. That's just sad. Somebody go swaddle Caila like a baby marsupial.
- Lauren B. has normal girl convertible hair, which is comforting in a weird way.
- ...are they already holding hands? I feel like that's a lot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against hand-holding, but hand-holding is kind of an intimate thing I feel like you only do if you're super comfortable with someone. It just always reads as very "forced" on this show.
- Their date is in a propeller plane. Let me just say right now, HELL. NO. I was in a two-propeller plane recently with Jordan from Charlotte to Asheville. We were flying low (because it was a short flight) and through a thunderstorm. About 15 minutes into the trip, the plane suddenly shuddered and dropped about 50 feet, then hit major turbulence and dropped again. This caused me to close the book about dog psychology that I was reading and start quietly weeping in my chair, resigned to the fact that I had moments to live. So, NO. This is not an ideal date, Ben.
- And flying over water? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH good joke. Oh, sorry, I just puked all over the dashboard. Hope you're still interested in holding my hand, Ben.
- Smooth kiss, James Bond. *SARCASM*
- Finally, they get rid of the mics while trying to kiss. Much better.
- ...hot tub in the middle of the desert. Oh, Lord. I am rolling my eyes so hard. Do you want to get in that Hot Tub Time Machine and go back to before you were on this show, Lauren B.?
- Despite the plane ride from hell and the weird HTTM, Lauren B. is charming and adorable. She has a very "real girl" quality that I think Ben is going to dig. But I also think she's going to be one of those girls who "has a hard time showing her feelings," which really just means that she is a normal person with a working brain. But that means Ben is going to dig for feelings with her, which is always problematic. However, I feel like she's gonna make it VERY far.
- Caila. Once again, honey. Find your chill. Going a little far.
- Goodness gracious, this date never ends. It's a three-part date.
- This week, on FOOD NO ONE EATS. There's like not even food on those plates. The napkins haven't even been removed from their napkin rings.
- Ben telling Lauren B. about how his pastor called with an update on his dad's surgery = precious. I love him.
- Blah blah another concert.
PART II - GROUP DATE.
- Does it bother anyone else that Ben literally never appears to be clean-shaven? Like get rid of that weird stubble.
- "As a treat, I brought in these World Cup winners who are going to be better than you and make you look bad! Go ahead, try! You'll never be as good!" Good idea, Ben.
- Meanwhile, back at the house, Jubilee makes some assumptions about Ben's "type." Girl, don't fret! I've seen the teasers. You get a 1x1! Just wait!
- Side note: I have been constantly referencing this list of girls in front of me because holy crap these women all blend into each other.
- This soccer game reminds me of peewee soccer when 100% of the kids follow the ball everywhere it goes. There's no strategy. Just little kids kicking furiously and whacking each other in the shins with their cleats. Except for that one kid who's all alone on the corner of the field playin' in the dirt.
- Ben. Loves. This.
- Gotta be honest, I think it's bs that the Stripes won despite Emily clearly being the MVP of the game. I think it's because Rachel caught a mean calf cramp and couldn't play properly.
- We move on to the after-party.
- Ben: I'm so glad to be with you guys, to get to know more abou--
Olivia: CAN I STEAL YOU REAL QUICK IS THAT OKAY???? #thirsty
- And then takes him up to the balcony of a hotel room and waves down, just to screw with everyone. She is next-level crazy.
- Listen up, Ben, and let me educate you. Whenever someone declares that they are something, they usually aren't. People who really are (insert quality here) don't have to tell you they are - you just figure it out because they embody that quality. For example: A teacher who is screaming over her classroom, "LISTEN! I'M IN CHARGE!" ...she ain't in charge. People don't find Olivia intimidating. They find her to be a wretch.
- ...so much so in fact that the girls start ripping apart her...toes? And breath? That's hateful. Quit it, Amber and Lace.
- Back at the house, Jubilee is jubilant about that date card! (Sorry, had to.)
- Lace manages to use the word "crazy" again within seconds of sitting down with Ben. Bless her heart. It's like when you know you aren't supposed to say something, and you blurt it out immediately.
- Amber WENT for it. Oh, and it pays off! Go, girl. Except you weren't nice earlier so...you know. Be nicer.
PART III - ONE ON ONE.
- Said it before, saying it again, Jubilee's body is SLAMMIN'. You know every single girl in that place binge ate a box of doughnuts after she waltzed out in that all-white outfit.
- Ben arrives and she rakes him for being "20 minutes late." WHAT?!?! Oh geez. Poor girl. I feel like Jubilee doesn't know how to be vulnerable, so she uses this kind of hateful humor to cope, but it's coming off as unappreciative.
- "Does anyone else want to go on my date?" STOP WHILE YOU'RE BEHIND, JUJUBEE.
- Walking into a beautiful home where there's a table full of lots of food and Veuve is my dream. I have literally dreamed about this.
- Jubilee spitting out the caviar and talking about how much she likes hot dogs is all of us.
- They're sitting so far apart...eesh. This date is weird.
- But I'm distracted by how freaking stunning she is.
- "I ain't that white." - Ben
Let's all just take a minute.
- HER BODY IS SO INSANE I'M DISTRACTED WHAT'S EVEN HAPPENING ON TV. Please come be my personal trainer, Jubilee.
- Somehow her nervous energy has translated into a sort of breaking-the-fourth-wall realness. This is the biggest roller coaster of a date, you guys. How do I feel about this?!
- Ben, fix your collar. That's a shirt that you wear with a tie. Not a shirt that you wear open. You need a button-down collar if you're going tie-less. He has 0 swag. But remember, you guys - HE AIN'T THAT WHITE.
- Good grief, this girl has some tragic history. Bless her heart. Totally understandable that she has some awkward social tendencies given that she has been through so much. That is unbelievably hard.
- Man, Ben handled it like a champ. This is what I mean - he's laughably square a lot of the time, but the man has such a great heart.
PART IV - ROSE CEREMONY
- I can understand why girls were surprised that Jubilee was back given her comments before she left, but anyone with a shred of objectivity would know that all of Jubilee's weirdness on the front end was just an act because she was nervous.
- This is such a great example of why judging people whose stories you don't know is just always a mistake. Judging in general, really. Because there is ALWAYS a story we don't know. Except for Olivia, who is a straight up headcase (judgment leveled. See what I did there? Not following my own rule).
- Genuinely don't understand why these girls are going after Jubilee so hard. Like...leave it alone?
- ...whoa. Holy crap. Family friends passed away in a plane crash? Bless his heart, that's horrifying.
- And of course, Olivia swoops right in. Come on, girl. Like a fine wine, you need to LET HIM BREATHE.
- ...no she did not. His close family friends died and she's talking about how she hates her legs?!?!? And SHE'S crying about that?? "I TRY TO BE STRONG ALL THE TIME?!" You are horrific, go crawl in a hole.
- LEAVE JUBILEE ALONE. So what if she's not being outgoing?? She's processing what's on her mind, goodness gracious. I'm overwhelmed by how judgmental these women are being.
- She gives him a massage. This is the sweetest. She's putting herself out there. Man, I think I really like her.
- So, an unspoken Bachelor rules is that if you have a rose, you don't take up tons of time before the Rose Ceremony. But this is a special circumstance, in my opinion. This sweet girl is so broken inside and is trying to build something for herself.
- ...why is it important for these girls to air their grievances with Jubilee? Like if she wants to be alone, LET HER BE ALONE. They're chasing her through the house. This is the most middle school thing. Why are you worried about her making a joke about the date?
- Listen, I understand the whole "Ben wants a woman that gets along with other women" thing. But at the end of the day, this isn't a show about the women being compatible. It's a show about Ben and a woman being compatible. And at this particular juncture, Ben and Jubilee have a spark. And everybody needs to back up OFF IT. I'm annoyed.
- Amber, don't try to run back to Ben and play the hero when you've been hateful this whole time. Nope. Not cute. But Ben totally comes to Jubilee's defense and I AM HERE FOR THAT. Worry about your own relationship with Ben. Stay in your lane. I am officially off #teamAmber. I think if she hadn't already gotten a rose, he would've bounced her tonight. I bet she goes next week.
- ...is Lace about to self-eliminate?! OH SNAP.
- Well good on you, honey. Good self-awareness. You need to take a beat.
- K, here we go. They've been focusing so much on Jami that I feel like she's going home for sure. You can always tell which girls are getting roses/going home based on who production follows.
ROSES: Lauren B., Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H., Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel (who's basically getting a rose because she played through an injury), Caila, JoJo, Jennifer (AKA Still a Stranger), Leah, Olivia (by a nose - I mean, toes - I mean...).
ELIMINATED: Shushana and Jami. Nailed it.
Stay tuned next week for the inevitable continuation of the witch hunt against Jubilee and more of Olivia being nothing more than a self-obsessed pile of fake eyelashes. Yech. But she'll self-destruct, people. Don't worry. They always do.