I feel like that's what ABC should call this season of The Bachelor. "This guy," people will say, shaking their heads, as they gesture toward Ben with their thumb. "This guy is just too much."
Because that is the kind of thing you say when your homeschooled friend tries to tell a dirty joke.
And that's what kind of season this will be. Watching kind-hearted, morally sound, parents and small-town-loving Ben Higgins attempt to be a suave lady-killer and try to navigate dating over 20 women at once.
Don't get me wrong - I love "this guy." Ask my friends, Ben H. was a favorite of mine last season. I found him to not only be the only voice of reason on the Kaitlyn's season of the show, but also a cute guy in that "90's dad" kind of way, which is my favorite aesthetic.
And let me say before we start that if you haven't seen the show unREAL on Lifetime, do yourself a favor and go watch it. Read more about it here. unREAL was created by a former producer of The Bachelor who quit because the demands of manipulating people for a living took a toll on her mental health. unREAL is styled as a perfect re-creation of The Bachelor, except their show is called Everlasting. It is a brutal commentary on how the producers of these shows will stop at nothing to achieve the result they feel will draw the biggest ratings. For example, a producer is featured being charged by her boss to convince their "bachelor" to choose a particular girl, propose, and stay engaged for at least a year so that the couple can have a spinoff show -- all because she knows their "bachelor" needs money to help his fledging business and he'll bite at anything that'll get hime some. Time after time unREAL shows producers asking questions to the girls in their private interviews: "Who's the girl you're most intimidated by? Why?" "How did it make you feel when _____ said ______ about you?" "Who's your biggest competition?"
Just interesting to have this in mind as I watched this season - those scenes on unREAL are surely dramatized, but are grown from the real truth of the people on these shows being manipulated into a "role" - the mean, pretty girl; the hot, athletic, tomboyish girl; the sweet, demure girl, the sexy girl with the super Kardashian body; the morally sound and smart girl; etc.
I figured that the best way to Bach-cap is in a little bit of narrative, bullets, and a few closing thoughts. So that's how we're going to do it. ROUND 'EM UP!
- Those former Bachelors coming back to give him advice said something about it being a once-in-a-lifetime chance for him and a once-in-a-lifetime chance for the girls. ...except for the two who came back? ...and except for Brad whatever his name was who proposed to Emily Maynard?
- Jubilee is my new everything. Her military record and body are equally slammin'.
- Ben saying, "Hopefully, I walk away from this experience with a young lady and we begin our lives together." Ben, you sound like an 85-year-old man. See what I mean? This guy.
- The short brunette girl who broke up with her boyfriend...because she saw Ben on the show!? And then literally jumped into his arms? Watch out, Ben - you might be a skin suit soon.
- Hiked. A. Football. In. A. Ball gown.
- Someone surprising me by getting out of a car in a full-head horse mask would not be met with laughter. It would met by me stabbing them to death in a blackout fit of terror and then going to prison.
- ...so you're trying to tell me this girl only speaks Russian?
- "Gluten is Satan, let's be real." Girl who threw out perfectly good bread deserves to be thrown out herself. Also, if pressed, my money is on the fact that she doesn't actually know what gluten is.
- Tiara the "chicken enthusiast" is going to turn out to be awesome. Let's all remember, they portrayed Kaitlyn Bristowe as a bit of a loose canon early on in Chris' season and it turns out she was great. You can't trust ABC.
- But girls like Lace will sabotage themselves, like all means girls always do. This is not the face of a winner. This is the face of a girl who needs to go to bed.
- Ben calling his parents is so realistic. Who wouldn't call their parents after all those crazy things just happened?
- Ben making a sweet speech to all the ladies was great and everything, but how am I supposed to focus with a PONY IN THE ROOM?
- My husband, a dentist, watched that dentist examining Ben's mouth, and was horrified. Horrified about the fact that she did it without gloves, horrified at the "lack of sufficient light," horrified that this girl was on this show.
- Becca and Amber sure are pal-ing around a lot for two people who are going after the same guy. Wonder how long that'll last.
- The man went back to find a girl he thought he'd offended (before he realized she was from Crazytown). Like, that was a classy move. This guy. Then he found out she was a nutbag. Then he looked like this.
To close, an observation:
Boys always, always pick the prettiest girl for First Impression Rose, and it almost always turns out badly. Olivia, like Britt, is going to be full of unexpected surprises. These guys are so bowled over by the fact that beautiful women can string together a sentence that they fall prey to not paying very close attention. Britt is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl of epic proportions, and it looks like Olivia is going to fill the "I hope Ben sees the real side of Olivia," role. I put $20 that some poor soul tries to tell Ben that Olivia is bad news and gets sent home for it. Calling it now.
Until next week, Bachelor Nation. Thanks for reading.