It's barely 6 in the morning, and last night I had to look at this haircut.
Let's just say I'm not in the most forgiving mood.
Although Taylor did throw Kanyé some serious shade last night and I am here. For. THAT. Because that guy is beyond.
ROUND 'EM UP.
PART I: ONE-ON-ONE.
- We begin by watching Ben disappoint his parents by reminding them that he's on this show.
- But seriously, his parents are adorable, no?
- The girls have an adorable leaf-fight while JoJo complains about not having had a 1x1.
EAT THESE LEAVES BECCA hahahaha only joking...love you girl!
- The girls settle into an the only AirBnB in Warsaw and Ben makes a super awkward sex joke about his parents.
- I'm glad he mentioned that, because I overheard them talking about how they really wanted to spy on Ben's parents. ...???
- Ben gives Lauren B. the date card, drives her around town, and recycles his lines from 7th grade.
- Meanwhile JoJo the mermaid is feeling kinda bitter.
I guess it's also possible this shirt says, "Herman," though it's less likely.
- Ben and Lauren "The Bee" B. go to a glorified Boys and Girls Club and play with a bunch of really cute little kids.
- Ronnie, the Half Court King, schools Ben in sinking a shot from half court, and his coach/mentor loses his mind.
- Ronnie for Bachelor, y'all. I love that kid.
- Ben tells Lauren a surprise is coming, while continuing to touch her way too much. She looks like she's struggling to get away.
- Some sports guys show up that I'm sure are relevant to someone but I don't know who they are, so #hardpass.
- Ben comforts a crying kid in a scene that is actually very sweet.
Or is he crying because Ben is talking to him?
- Back at the AirBnB, JoJo finally gets a 1x1 with Ben.
- Ben and Lauren B. traipse around charming downtown Warsaw in their matching outfits.
Who do they think they are, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Thereoux?
- Lauren B. confronts Ben about listening to Leah stirring up garbage last week.
- ...I'm confused about why there's no rose on this date? Was that ever explained?
- They go to a dive bar in Warsaw and are actually completely adorable.
- And then this happens:
Lauren B. is ruining my bracket by being the front-runner.
- Can we quickly talk about how Lauren B. always looks like she's about to cry?? She's like Beth Ellen Hansen in Harriet the Spy. Much like Harriet, "I wish someone would just kick her and get it over with." (Harriet the Spy anyone? Anyone??)
PART II: ONE-ON-ONE, AGAIN.
- Ben meets JoJo in Chicago and she jumps his bones.
- Calm the hell down, this isn't The Notebook.
- Y'all there are so many times on this show where they rent entire stadiums. What does it cost, like $50 to clear out an entire professional arena for a Bachelor date?? They do this like every season.
- They walk across the field to find jerseys emblazoned with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins.
- Now, at this point I feel the need to say that I would be HIGHLY uncomfortable rockin' "Mrs. Higgins" on my back before there was a ring involved. You guys, that looks #crazy and #desperate. Once again, ABC = the devil.
- Now it's like guaranteed that JoJo isn't going to win, just so they can play this moment back at the After The Final Rose show and we can all wince at how awkward it is.
...awkward.
- And he's calling her "Mrs. Higgins??" Oof.
- JoJo slams the ball into the outfield.
- I feel bad for JoJo. In a romantic comedy, she would be the "boyish female friend of the romantic male lead who eventually develops feelings for him she can't admit."
...says every guy about their platonic, female best friend.
- They change for dinner, and Ben FINALLY DRINKS A MIXED DRINK instead of wine!
Atta boy. Drink that bourbon rocks.
- Back at the house, the girls are all admitting that they're nervous they're going to get their hearts broken. ...on an elimination-style dating show. ...on national television.
- JoJo opens up to Ben about her insecurities.
- Healthy fear. Also,
- ...no, you guys. No. No. No. What would you do if your boyf called you that after 2 dates? You'd be all:
- But instead, "Joje" (Ben's word) is like:
- Hmm. Also, WHY are there no roses?! Whatever, JoJo's in.
PART III: GROUP DATE.
- Caila, Amanda, and Becca head off like besties to compete for a guy's attention.
Looking like they're starring in an ad for hepatitis.
- Ben takes these chicks to a farm and makes them row around a lake by themselves.
They're actually paddling in circles right now.
- Gah lee this is super awkward. They're tossing a kite around and paddling in circles. WTF?
- Ben announces that whoever gets the rose gets to continue hanging out with him, while the other two women are getting bounced.
- Based on the preview of her crying, do we think that Becca gets sent back? I'm betting Amanda gets that rose.
- My mom texted me last night to say that she's tired of listening to "Amanda's squeaky, Minnie Mouse voice." ...she's not wrong.
- Amanda continues to sell herself short.
- Honey, let met stop you there. You are a beautiful bombshell who's a size 2 after having children. You are kind and good-hearted. You are a catch, forever. The end.
- Becca, on the other hand, has a talent for retaining the exact same facial expression while delivering a speech to Ben about her feelings.
- ...at least she won't need Botox?
- I think she just freaked him out. I bet she's going home this week.
- Ben "steals" Caila for some snuggly make out time.
THAT. HAIR. THOUGH.
- Caila tells Ben that she doesn't really have a hometown, and that she's moss on a tree or something.
- Caila is too smart for this show.
- Time for the group date rose - Becca is super nervous, can you tell?
...you can't? Weird.
- Amanda gets her second group date rose in a row, and a guaranteed hometown visit from Ben. Wow.
- ...um, harsh much? Damn, son. Coulda cushioned that blow a little more.
- Becca starts crying and SOMEHOW IS STILL MAKING THE SAME FACE.
Kind of unreal, actually.
- But I mean, I kind of get it. She basically begged him to share his feelings with her and he was like, "Cool, cool. Okay so AMANDA YOU WANNA HANG OUT??"
- Ben and Amanda GO. TO. MCDONALD'S. Y'ALL.
- WHAT IS HAPPENING.
- Y'ALL THIS IS MY DREAM DATE.
- Okay, quick story. One time I was at a New Year's Eve party and I was...overserved. At the end of the night, it was me and two girls who are 5'2'' and maybe 115 pounds soaking wet. We were contemplating grabbing some late-night/fourth meal. I suggested McDonald's to EVERYONE'S immediate disgust. Drunk Mary Catherine couldn't conceive of the fact that no one was on board, so I went around and individually, loudly polled the entire room. "Would you rather have no late-night meals ever again, or only be able to eat McDonald's when you wanted a fourth meal?" Every. Single. Person. replied, "Never eat late-night again," accompanied by an expression of pity.
Basically what I'm saying is that I was living the movie A League of Their Own, and the cute 5'2' girls were like,
- And I was Marla Hooch:
Yeah. That's me.
- The moral of the story, people, is that girls who look like Amanda DON'T EAT AT MCDONALD'S. Girls like Marla and me? Hell yeah, we do.
- Ben "God Complex" Higgins weasels his way behind the counter at McDonald's:
YES, BEN. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BEN.
- They go to a weird carnival in the middle of town where COINCIDENTALLY Ben runs into the child actor who Ben "comforted" while he was "crying."
HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU, LITTLE BOY???
- Ben screams on fair rides like...well, I'll let Leslie Jones say it for me:
Thanks, Leslie.
PART IV: ONE-ON-ONE.
- Although I hate to agree with Olivia, I do agree that Emily seems very immature compared to the other girls, though she isn't actually younger.
...yeaaaaaahhhh.
- Uh oh. So basically Ben doesn't want to do his own dirty work. He's gonna let his parents be the ones to tell him that Emily is wrong for him.
- Also I'm HORRIFIED that she's calling his parents by their first names.
- Y'all, she doesn't. Stop. Talking.
- You guys, this is painful. Bless her heart.
- Also, the only thing that Ben ever says about Emily is that he sees "a whole new side of Emily." He's literally said the same thing 4 times this episode.
- Okay so his mom cried telling Ben that Emily was immature. Meaning she's going home.
- Is he about to break up with her right now on the boat??
- Oh SNAP. Oh my gosh. HARSH. HARSH HARSH HARSH. This is not an exaggeration, he told her how beautiful her eyes were and then dropped this:
- Even though I think this was the right move, I think it was cowardly that Ben took Emily to meet his parents and then dumped her. That's toying with a girl's emotions in a totally unfair way. There was NO REASON to bring his parents into it besides that he didn't have the stones to pull the trigger on his own.
- And he broke up with her AT GOLDEN HOUR, no less. Most beautiful breakup ever.
PART V: ROSE CEREMONY.
- FINALLY we get to see what this "conversation with Chris Harrison on the steps" is about.
- Yipes. Okay, pause - we have three roses and four girls, plus Amanda who already has a rose.
- I really think it's Becca, you guys.
- IF IT'S CAILA I'M GOING TO BE REALLY MAD BECAUSE #MYBRACKET.
- YESSSSSSSSS THANK GOD.
- I will never understand why these girls allow the guys to hold their hands as they walk them to the car that drives them away.
- So Becca is definitely a contender for Bachelorette. We know that.
- We get a preview for next week that Ben puts Amanda's kids to bed and freaks out.
- And that JoJo (who OF COURSE grew up with brothers) has a family who hates Ben from the jump.
UGH oh my gosh so much drama, but I'm happy with this Top 4, y'all. I'm really feeling good.
'Til next week, ladies and germs. Harrison: out.