I was told last night that Twitter was blowing up because of this episode. I'm watching it (early) this morning, and I. Can't. WAIT.
Bur first, last week's podcast with Jordan. Spoiler: he had lots to say about the McDonald's date.
Now. LET'S GET CRACKIN'.
AMANDA: LAGUNA BEACH.
- We start by watching Ben and Amanda run toward each other a la Bo Derek.
- Amanda has two little girls who are completely adorable. Maybe they'll turn into hellions later, but watching her see them for the first time in weeks is pretty precious.
- You guys, this is really sweet. He is being so precious with these babies. Like, he's chasing them around on the beach! And making sandcastles with them!
- If I'm Amanda, I think I just spontaneously got pregnant watching this sweet scene.
- Uh oh...the reality sets in during the car ride that parenting is not all adorable beach scenes with a hot young mom.
- This family seems like they've got a solid grasp on reality. I like these people. Cautious, but kind and welcoming.
- "Your kids need you to be happy, and to see that you have your own life too - that makes them happy." Amanda's mom is a smarty.
- There's honestly just nothing to snark about in this family. They're all decent people who love their daughter and want the best for her.
- What's going to be really tough about this is that Ben is going to be disappointing an entire family, not just a woman.
- I REALLY hope that if he has even a shred of doubt about Amanda, that he'll cut her this week. Keeping her until Sex Island when she's got these two precious girls would just not be okay.
- Ben. Don't do this girl wrong. Send her home this week if you're going to send her home at all.
LAUREN "THE BEE" B., PORTLAND.
- First off, curveball that Lauren B. is from Portland. Portland is widely known to be one of the kookiest towns in America (and I live in Asheville, Weirdo Capital of the South, so I know what I'm talking about).
- Like, where are Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein?
- Also, I'm going into this date liking Lauren B., but I'm also starting to find her perfection a little grating. I need a little personality or some edge, some humor...something. She's so adorable that it's almost off putting.
- But I also feel like she's Ben's easy frontrunner.
- Wait...could it be?? Was a bite taken?!
- Lauren B. wins my final rose for eating on The Bachelor. I have such a low bar.
- They then wander around/make out in a library, which I'm preeeeeeetty sure Lauren pronounces as "lie-bear-y."
- ...I take my final rose back.
- Okay, this family is adorable. But the OBVIOUS winner in my book is Tessa, the true matriarch.
- Lauren's sister Mollie is really pretty.
- Hot Sister Mollie "grills" Ben about his intentions at which point he starts crying because LAUREN B. IS GOING TO WIN THIS SHOW DAMN IT MY BRACKET IS RUINED.
- Then Mollie talks to Lauren B. and she starts crying, too.
- New theory: Mollie is pinching people really hard during these conversations.
- Ben talks to Lauren B.'s dad and they have a kind of weird conversation about how Ben is "coping." I don't know what he's talking about, but sure.
- Then we get Lauren B. and dad's conversation. REALLY like this dad.
- Based on those cautionings from her dad, Lauren B. decides not to tell Ben that she loves him, so he rides off into the night unsure of his feelin -- oh wait he obviously loves her and is going to propose to her in four episodes.
- I'll toast them while I'm drowning my sorrows for losing #MYBRACKET which I can't even talk about. But you know what they'd say about this on Portlandia?
CAILA - HUDSON.
- You guys, I'm so nervous. I really want this to go well.
- Ugh I love her. She is so perfect, like a Barbie doll. And apparently Ben likes her, too.
- They smooch on a bench swing and talk about the day. Seriously though, what's cuter than this??
- Next on the date, they sit down to design their dream house, because OF COURSE CAILA'S DAD IS A TOYMAKER. Because she is perfection. She's like walking cotton candy. She's like a human Dreamsicle.
- Ben gets creepy about Caila at the toy factory and further proves he was not ever touched by a woman until like a year ago.
- They design their dream house, then they go to the factory and build it. Which, once again, is freakin' adorable.
- At Caila's parents' house, the evening starts with this quote:
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M DEAD.
- Caila's dad is getting a lot of little digs in at dinner. He's showing Ben who's boss.
- Oh, snap! Adult braces! Didn't see that coming.
- Caila's mom and Ben have a pretty standard convo, but Caila's dad asks hard questions and is serious about making sure his daughter is taken care of. And I love it. He's precious, but he's hardcore.
- Why did this episode make me cry?
- And despite that advice, she doesn't. And he leaves.
- WOOOOO this is complicated, y'all. COM.PLI.CA.TED. Avril Lavigne-style.
JOJO - DALLAS.
- Okay, let's see where this ends up. Previews have made this look like a real doozy.
- JoJo arrives home to her apartment to find a beautiful bouquet of roses on her doorstep, accompanied by a letter.
- LETTER IS NOT FROM BEN. I REPEAT. LETTER. IS NOT. FROM BEN.
- Oh snap, JoJo starts to melt down.
- OMG this is so dramatic. JoJo is finishing up her phone call with 'CHAD' while Ben rolls up to her apt.
- Chad the ex-boyfriend is about to throw a real wrench in things.
- I mean, I guess she did the right thing by calling him to dump him officially? It's not her fault that she got flowers from CHAD, ew.
- I get that Ben and JoJo are close, but I really just feel like they're buddies. My official prediction is that JoJo goes home this week.
- But before she goes home, she has to go home.
- Okay, so we are for sure in Dallas. Looky at that house.
- Ben looks like a giant in this family.
- Goodness, everybody is SO TINY!!
- They talk about whether Ben would move to Dallas and, I'm assuming, work for JoJo's dad.
- JoJo's mom looks like a much healthier version of Mama Elsa of Real Housewives of Miami fame.
- JoJo and Mama Elsa have real talk, where it becomes clear that Mama Elsa doesn't know how this show works.
- The brothers, for now at least, are just kind of telling the truth and not being bullies.
- Mama Elsa comes to his defense.
- The thing was, as far as hometowns go, I've seen worse (see: Jade, Desiree, etc.), but this was definitely the least successful of the four. It just happens that the girls he's chosen up to this point have wonderful families, so JoJo's peeps being kind of turse and cold/protective seemed extra prickly.
- So this whole week, I've known that either Amanda or JoJo is going home. Part of me feels like he'll send Amanda to keep her from further heartbreak because of her kids, but the other part feels like JoJo is out because of her family.
- Also, Lauren B. is a lot taller than I thought?
- I honestly think that this is the most quality group of four finalists I've ever seen on this show. It really is just pretty outstanding. All four of these women are kind, smart, beautiful people.
- Okay, Lauren B. gets a rose.
- CAILA GETS A ROSE MY BRACKET STILL HAS A CHANCE YOU GUYS.
- I think Amanda's going home. I changed my mind. I just have a funky feeling.
- Good for Ben. He had doubts about Amanda so he sent her home. PAINFUL to watch, but also...the gentlemanly thing to do.
- Could Amanda be the person we see him calling in the finale? The one who he says he sent home too soon??
- True to form, she handles the breakup with nothing but class.
- Okay, so now Amanda and Becca will be contenders for Bachelorette.
- Ben, on the other hand, isn't taking it quite as well.
- I'm sorry to see Amanda go, but I'm thankful that she won't get further down this rabbit hole and get hurt. Bless her sweet heart.
NEXT WEEK, ON SEX ISLAND...
- Me, too, Mama Elsa. Me, too.
See you next week, Bachelor Nation.