I already hate this episode. I already know we're going to spend the first 1/2 on Chad, who has already been dismissed, so his storyline is essentially over. Because JOJO IS SO BORING they have to use every second of Chad they have on film.
Let's get to work.
PART I - Return of the Chad.
I just remembered Chad told Lil' Tyke Alex to "have some milk" and it made me die laughing again.
- Oh yeah, and forgot JoJo said, "Beat your ass," repeatedly. #drippingwithclass
- ...did we hear her say, "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you?" I don't remember that from the last episode. That's pretty freakin' harsh.
- Back at the mansion, the guys decide to have a little funeral for Chad by scattering his ashes - - I mean, protein powder. Let's chalk this ceremony up as the third completely wienery thing that has happened next to the song and the coordinated dive.
- They're also looping the track of Chad whistling the same tune to make him seem menacing, I guess?
- Evan might have pooped in his pants when he saw Chad at that door.
- (Poop jokes. That's where we are. That's how far we've fallen.)
- So then we get into this altercation where Chad tries to explain himself and Jordan tries to empathize.
- Wells the philosopher drops this gem. That's some brilliant stuff right there. Is it just me, or does Wells look constantly jaundiced or something?
- The minute that Chad said he'd say all those things again, he became exactly who they wanted him to be: a total ass.
- Meanwhile, Daniel just focused on eating his mac and cheese. I strongly identify with that impulse. "Don't care what's going on over here, but nobody touch my food."
- Chad is getting too comfortable with these guys. Him touching Jordan's head was too far. At the same time, Jordan seems like one of those guys who's going to keep pursuing something until he gets punched in the face, so I don't really have a dog in this fight.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS EVAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN CHAD. YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE WIENER IN A ROOM FULLA WIENERS.
- Anyway, Chad leaves for good and Alex arrives to a hero's welcome. They kept chanting, "Dragon slayer! Dragon slayer!" because this is the girliest season in human history.
- Look, he's finally tall.
- I predict that now that Chad is gone, we're going to see ugly sides of some of these guys that were getting trumped by Chad.
- My predictions for Town Villain are: Jordan, Lil' Tyke Alex, and over-groomed Robby.
PART II: Rose Ceremony.
But first, OF COURSE CHAD IS GOING TO BACHELOR IN PARADISE.
- Kinda love her dress.
- Chase thought it would be sexy to put a girl who's in full hair, makeup, a gown, and heels inside one of those giant hamster balls.
- OMG YOU GUYS I HAVE BEEN IN ONE OF THOSE BALLS. Oh man. Quick side note: A group of girlfriends and I came across these in a park in Atlanta, so a couple of us paid to get in there and run around. (The other patrons were 7 year olds, just to paint the picture.) Anyway, I thought it was going to be hysterical, and it was, but they are SO hot and at a certain point I got so claustrophobic that I had to get out. I was panicking and running around like a crazed molerat. I thought maybe I could outrun my crippling anxiety about it, but nope. Followed me.
- Meanwhile, Chase describes their relationship this way:
- ...so Chase isn't the sharpest tool.
- I know that it should always be hard to believe that guys can "fall for" a girl within a month, but because this whole show has been devoted to Chad so far, it's even more ridiculous that these guys are saying things like, "I'm really falling for this girl." We've barely gotten to see any interaction between them.
- here's also a lot of first kissing that includes tongue. You guys, can we at least not start with the tongue?? I mean, good Lord. We're not animals.
- Oh, no.
- Okay, let's talk about this poem. Did it have a rhyme scheme?? Let's dissect:
Her heart is like a treasure (A)
Her dreams not far away (B)
And whenever she decides to hand someone the key (C)
That man should let her know (D)
And daily help her see (C)
The wonder that is her (E)
The beauty that is she. (C)
So...nope. No discernable rhyme scheme except sporadically rhyming with the word "key." I mean, I guess if we're being super generous we could say that the first two lines are a couplet? But that's not how couplets work so I'm out.
- ...I know. I'm a monster and I'm mean. But I'm an English major, I can't help it!!!
- Daniel, you're goin' home.
- There is SO much tongue happening. Y'all, wow.
- I hate Evan.
- Jordan steals JoJo and, to get his taboo kicks, hardcore makes out with her just around the corner from the rest of the guys.
- This is easily the trashiest thing I've ever seen. This is the trashiest season I've ever seen. What kind of respectable guy does that? No one. You're either decent (James Taylor) or gross (Chad). But the most dangerous guys are the guys who APPEAR to be decent and then are gross, like Jordan.
- Also, ABC is getting ridiculous with the editing. Before the commercial, they teased this scene to look like Jordan used physical force to make out with JoJo and then said, "Oops," in some kind of evil, rape-y way. That was a little far, I think. But then again, this show knows no bounds.
Rose Ceremony:
- PLEASE SEND EVAN HOME for the love of GOD.
- But seriously, is Wells just really tired or what? Dude looks like he needs an IV.
ROSES: Snake (Luke), Jordan, JTT, Robby, Chase, Wells, Vinny the Barber, Grant, James T. and EVAN?!?!?! COME ON COME ON COME ONNNNNNNNNN.
BYE: James F. (who wrote the poem - I bet it was the lack of rhyme scheme) and Daniel (who gave a very pitiful exit interview about how hot his body is).
- During this commercial I'll write a list of things that make me feel the way that I feel when I look at Evan:
- If I was on the street and it had just rained and a wet rat ran across my shoe.
- When I cut my fingernail below the quick.
- Taking a big gulp of pulp-free OJ but realizing mid-sip that it's high pulp.
- Watching a GIF of a guy doing a skateboard trick down a stair railing and he falls off and hurts himself.
- Reaching to grab a fruit except it turns out the fruit is soft and rotten.
- During this commercial I'll write a list of things that make me feel the way that I feel when I look at Evan:
PART III - One-on-one.
- I wonder if this is the furthest an African American contestant has ever made it. I need to find out what episodes Marquel and Jubes were eliminated.
*does some research*
Okay, so the longest a Black contestant has ever stayed is 5 episodes. So pathetic.
- Jordan gets the one-on-one and all the other guys are super jeal.
- I have a couple of complaints about Jordan's overall look:
- Jordan has what I like to call the "douche beard." His beard is shaved along his jawline instead of of along his neckline.
- Jordan shouldn't have a beard because his "beard" is very patchy.
- That hair.
- I really don't like this guy. I know that's unpopular. Someone defend Jordan to me. Make me like him more, because I'm sure he's going to go far.
- Oh SNAP, the guys got their hands on some contraband.
- Okay so quick pop quiz: Are the guys on The Bachelorette allowed to have magazines, books, or cell phones?
Answer: NO.
Gold star to all those who knew that because of my podcast last week.
- It just occurred to me that the producers planted these magazines.
- This is how boring this season is. They PLANTED THOSE MAGAZINES. Holy hot dogs this is ridiculous. They knew that without Chad this show stops being interesting.
- ...do guys not know that In Touch is a gossip rag? That means it's not real.
- I just asked Jordan (Scott) and he said he wouldn't have known that. So, there ya go.
- So this Jordan story about his girlfriend reporting that he's a shady boyfriend is making me pretty wary. Not that he wasn't ALREADY making me feel that way.
- SO basically he did to this girl what Ben did to her. He said I love you and talked about marriage, then ghosted her.
- #bringbackchad
- JoJo is SO into Jordan. I bet he's one of the final two. Rose.
PART IV - Group date.
- Y'all I can guarantee you that the producers not only planted this magazine but PAID In Touch to write it. I would seriously bet my life.
- I have never in my life been as bored by any season of this show as I am by this season. The amount of drama that they're had to manufacture in order to keep us interested speaks volumes.
- So blah blah blah, they present JoJo with the magazine, she goes and makes nicey with the guys, I'm asleep.
- Here's another reason I can't stand Jordan: he's an attention-whore. Who does this???
- We get to see about 20 seconds of the guys sand surfing, which actually looks like it would be super fun.
- James T, I love you. You are so sweet and nice.
- At the cocktail party, poor sweet JTT has a little chat with Joje. I think he's so precious and is too good for this smutty show.
- Snake loves kissing JoJo. And JoJo REALLY loves mackin' Snake.
- I think it's gonna be Snake and Jordan in the final two.
- YES JTT!! You deserve that group rose, honey! But now run away and leave.
- We get some not-so-pleased reactions from the Tyke.
- Turns out the Tyke is kinda hateful. Tiny and hateful? I'll let Buddy say what I'm thinking:
PART V - One-on-one.
- I only feel the need to comment on two things about this date:
- What happened to that dog when they were done using it as a prop?
- That. Bathing suit.
- A shark attack would've been way better.
- ...did he just say he knows he loves her? After three weeks?
- Sure.
PART VI - ROSE CEREMONY.
- List of guys who I actually like:
- JTT, Snake, and James Taylor.
- That's it. - Who I think is going home:
- Evan, Grant, and Vinny.
Okay, here we go.
Holy cow, I nailed it. Not that it's that hard, all those guys needed to go.
- Go home to your kids! Don't do any more reality shows! Ever!
BYE EVAN! BYE BARBER! BYE SWEET GREG! BYE!!!
The previews for the rest of the season at least look a little more entertaining that it's been so far, so we've got that to look forward to. But without Chad, let's all be honest, it's just not the same.
'Til next week,
